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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Concerned for boyfriend

31 replies

7Koala7 · 21/12/2023 18:01

There have been a few things recently which have been nagging at me because I am worried about my BF's mental health but he keeps dismissing it when I try to raise it. It's been little things, like going on a bender and practically disappearing for over a day without any contact. He is also incredibly short tempered and aggressive at times, and this comes on very suddenly. I have to say that he is not like this with me but I have seen him blow up at others from one second to the next. We had a fight yesterday when we were in the car. He asked me if I ever thought about veering off the road into oncoming traffic. I thought it was a very strange question and told him just that, and that it had never occurred to me. I asked if he had and he said he sometimes did and that he thought it was normal as there was nothing stopping anyone from doing so. It freaked me out and I told him to stop talking about it but he kept going, and I eventually snapped at him because it was stressing me out so much. I was angry at first but wondered about it today and it just makes me feel so uneasy because I'm wondering if he is really struggling with something, or if he was just trying to freak me out.
I don't know enough about mental health or depression to know what might be going on, and how to talk to him properly to maybe convince him to see someone.
Is this something you have heard before, or do you have any advice on how to get through to someone who might be struggling?

OP posts:
Menomeno · 21/12/2023 18:02

Is he using cocaine?

ChateauDuMont · 21/12/2023 18:07

'It's been little things, like going on a bender and practically disappearing for over a day without any contact.'

You call that little?

I must lead a sheltered life as that is a serious issue.

Original poster
7Koala7 · 21/12/2023 18:10

Menomeno · 21/12/2023 18:02

Is he using cocaine?

He did when he disappeared for the day/ night but I wouldn't have known if he hadn't told me. I don't do drugs and wouldn't know much about them. Is this a typical cocaine thing??

OP posts:
Menomeno · 21/12/2023 18:17

7Koala7 · 21/12/2023 18:10

He did when he disappeared for the day/ night but I wouldn't have known if he hadn't told me. I don't do drugs and wouldn't know much about them. Is this a typical cocaine thing??

Show quote history

My DB had a coke problem in his younger days and would disappear on benders, and would act aggressively, often spoiling for a fight at the slightest perceived ‘provocation’. He’s actually really mild-mannered usually, so it was very out of character and noticeable. It’s awful, awful stuff. It makes lovely people act like complete dickheads and they can’t see it. 😞

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2023 18:19

Run for your fucking life and stop wasting your time trying to analyse his behaviour. You are not a therapist and you are not safe with this man. It's not your job to fix broken men.

SEG152 · 21/12/2023 18:21

Don’t tip toe around the issues. Sit him down and put it bluntly. Tell him he has been acting well out of character and it has to be dealt with and not ignored. If he’s willing to admit something has changed and is wrong, you are willing to help him deal with it. But if it’s going to keep burying his head and let the issue get worse then you are not willing to be dragged down in the issues.

MILTOBE · 21/12/2023 18:23

I couldn't continue with the relationship, OP. He's clearly taking drugs and the things he's talking about are just too scary. I'd be off.

Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow · 21/12/2023 18:31

How long have you been together? The fact that you seem to be approaching this as a "how can I help him" rings alarm bells for me. I don't know much about cocaine, but I do know abusive relationships. And it can take some time for the perpetrators mask to slip. If you see him blow up at others, do not for one second believe that he won't do this to you at some point. The driving thing too... that to me sounds very threatening. How scary that must have been for you to think that while he's driving with you as a passenger that he could literally consider veering into oncoming traffic...

Xatz63 · 21/12/2023 18:33

You said it's been little things ? No they are not ! Get rid and move on

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2023 18:40

You and he should no longer be together. Bad boys are just that, bad. His issues re drug taking certainly predate you and you cannot help anyone who does not want your help or support.

Why is someone like him in your life at all?. Why are your boundaries this poor?. Are you much younger than him?.

Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works out at all well for the rescuer or saviour, in this case you. End this now before you get even more over invested and or hurt.

Pinkbonbon · 21/12/2023 19:36

Save YOU.

Too many people stay with abusive, dangerous shitheads thinking 'aww diddums, the poor man must be ill or something, how can I help him?'.

Fuck that!

Women are not rehab for damaged men.
Just get out of there before he kills you. He's already hinting that he's thinking about it. Even if it is just to make you worry and walk on eggshells around him.

Boost outa there fast!
Don't ever look back.

Original poster
7Koala7 · 21/12/2023 19:59

I didn't realise that this was common drug behaviour. I thought he might be depressed or burnt out from work...
Thank you for letting me know

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis2022 · 21/12/2023 21:05

Menomeno · 21/12/2023 18:02

Is he using cocaine?

This is my immediate thought too

NRVZ · 21/12/2023 22:07

Do you live together, or do you have a safe space @7Koala7?
If this is cocaine it can escalate quickly

NeurodivergentBurnout · 21/12/2023 22:30

I’m getting thoughts like this. I’m struggling with depression. I’m getting invasive thoughts. Crashing my car, harming myself..
I don’t really drink so no benders…I am in a relationship and I’ve worked to be open with DP about how I’m feeling.
It may not be drugs..I don’t do drugs! but yes be wary of the idea of trying to ‘help’ or ‘fix’ him. Think very carefully about the future with a man like this.

Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow · 21/12/2023 23:56

@7Koala7 he sounds abusive/toxic, whether there are drugs involved or not. Just remove yourself before he really hurts you.

MistletoeandJd · 22/12/2023 00:07

End the relationship.

That thing in the car right there.... it is a manipulation technique.

Undineimmor · 22/12/2023 00:10

I wouldn't Be getting in a car with him again. I remember a poster on here whose husband used to driver dangerously to terrify her. Not good.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 22/12/2023 00:28

the day long benders and bad temper is definitely an issue op but the car thing is way more common than you think. Loads of people have intrusive thoughts, we just don’t tell many people about them.
My best friend and I both have hideous thoughts sometimes and it’s one of the reasons our friendship works because we can confide in each other about them and understand each other. People with intrusive thoughts don’t act on them so your partner was probably hoping you’d get it and not think he was mental.

Domino20 · 22/12/2023 01:49

I think the fact that the OP mentions cocaine use has somewhat muddied the waters here. People can definitely get thoughts like this with zero drug use. Yes, it would be indicative of an underlying mental health problem such as depression, suicidal tendency or OCD.

QueenBitch666 · 22/12/2023 01:50

Menomeno · 21/12/2023 18:02

Is he using cocaine?

My first thought. It's not a woman's job to fix useless men

Original poster
7Koala7 · 22/12/2023 09:17

Thanks all, I'll properly talk to him about this and won't let it go.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 22/12/2023 09:38

There is very little evidence of anything to justify the conclusions on this post.

People with undiagnosed mental health conditions and illness can self medicate. They can isolate themselves and they can have negative thoughts or self harm thoughts.

People with drug and alcohol issues will develop mental health problems. This then displays as part of the alcohol and drug abuse.

For treatment and diagnosis it is important to know the difference.

What to do?

Decide if you want to help. You don’t have to and he isn’t asking you to help him. It will be a rocky ride for you if you do. I would encourage you to ensure he gets help from his family and medical professionals as a basic tenet of you staying with him.

If you do want to help you need to take a very different approach to interventions. Direct confrontations won’t help him to open up. Pressurising him just adds to his stress. It is like pressing down on a wound.

Get advice and support off professionals. If you do use social media then try to find specialised boards, the MN mental health forum is good but doesn’t have a lot traffic. This is a relationship board and the Pps are always slanted to offer advice that assumes a relationship problem and usually abuse.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2023 15:41

I think context is key. Yes ocd can cause intrusive thoughts.

But his behaviour on the lead up to these comments included disappearing stints, aggression and the fact that he asked it whilst she was currently driving!

Intrusive thoughts don't need to be spoken. I had ocd as a teen and there's no way I'd scare the shit out of someone just because of an intrusive thought. Even though these thoughts may have inconvenienced me at times, I would not let them make other people uncomfortable. Let alone terrified!

It would be different perhaps if he asked her whilst they were at home on the sofa. But what he did was not that. He also carried on the topic after being given told not to. That, isn't ocd. It's just one mega creepy asshole.

Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow · 22/12/2023 16:04

I read it as he was driving, but just checked the OP and it isn't clear... Not sure if it makes a difference, but I would have been terrified if I was a passenger whilst the driver was saying things like that...

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