Resentment over having crap parents.

[Howxli]

My parents were 21 when I was born and I was very much unplanned, I think they’d been together around 2 years when I was born. They broke up when I was a baby so no recollection of a family unit and my childhood was a mess, to be frank.

My Mum met someone else when I was 2 and he was an abusive bastard, a drug addict and a huge racist bigot so not the best choice of stepdad. They had my brother when I was 6 and my stepdad became violent and emotionally abusive specifically towards me so I had a really fun time at home. They split when I was 15 after I’d had to call the police one night because he jumped on me and started punching me. Never had a particularly close relationship with my Mum because it’s difficult to trust someone who stayed with a man like that. He wasn’t abusive towards her AFAIK but she had MH problems so I think she was afraid to be alone. She’s also a totally different person to me and we don’t have very much in common.

My Dad evidently lives in cuckoo land and still to this day thinks he’s going to be an actor. He moved to London when I was 8 to chase this dream and is still trying to this day despite now being in his mid 50s and it not going anywhere. We stopped talking when I was 19 because he kept making endless excuses not to see me anymore. I think in his mind he’d ‘raised me’ to adulthood so that was his job done. He never remarried or had more children so I’m his only child. I always thought we were close when I was a child but in hindsight, he just spent a lot of money on me and didn’t really offer much in the way of real parenting or support. I saw him most weekends until I was a teenager when I wanted to see my friends more. I have lots of fond memories of holidays abroad, nice trips out with him etc but it is all a bit superficial really, he wasn’t around for any of the day to day boring stuff and was very much a Disney Dad. I tried to reconnect with him about 6 years ago but this consisted of me putting in all the legwork, I was chasing visits with him and I was travelling down south to see him. When I did meet up with him, he didn’t seem all that interested in my life and just spoke about himself so I gave up and he hasn’t chased a relationship with me in any way.

I still speak to my Mum a little bit but not all that often. I went to see her at the weekend to exchange Christmas gifts with my DC and she said she wants to get into fostering which I can’t fully grasp personally. She said they may contact me to ask what she was like as a Mother so I suppose I’m expected to lie because she really wasn’t a good one at all… She spent much of my childhood drunk and I don’t recall her ever being a supportive, loving or emotionally available Mum. She also obviously let her partner abuse me for almost a decade so I don’t really want to lie to them and make out like she was Mary Poppins.

Also had a rather frustrating chat with my paternal Grandma last night. She was telling me all about my cousin and how she doesn’t have to pay nursery fees now she’s back at work because my Uncle and Aunt look after her baby. My Grandma even said how expensive nursery fees are like I’m unaware in some way. We’ve never had any remote support from any relative with our DC so we’ve always had to pay for FT childcare.

I guess this time of year in particular rakes up a lot of resentment over not having a close family unit. I’ve created my own with DH and DC and that’s lovely but I’m just feeling a bit frustrated that I majorly drew the short straw with my parents. My Uncle evidently supports his DD and GC a lot which is lovely. He wasn’t much older than my Dad when she was born so can’t use the excuse that my Dad was just too young to be an effective parent… I just have useless parents, their age and circumstances are no excuse imo. I’m just looking for advice on how to overcome this built up resentment and bitterness really? I have a great career, home and family life so I don’t have much to grumble about but I do wish I had better parents.

That sounds awful, I’m sorry you went through so much and your parents are such a disappointment. Well done on building a better life for your dc.

please be honest with the SW’s you can ask to be anonymous but LAC children are so vulnerable, they need people like you being honest about your mum to protect them.

Therapy, OP. Mine were also poor parents, though in a very different way to yours, and I’ve found it very helpful to have a place to talk through exactly what ‘scripts’ and maladaptations my childhood left me with.

Please don't lie if contacted by fostering. Your mum really doesn't sound like the right person to foster at all.

I'm sorry you went through all that in childhood. You deserved far better. You deserve far better now too. 💐

Yes, I agree.. please don't lie to social workers. Your mum had her chance to be a mum and did a shit job of it.
There are some incredible foster parents out there, your mum isn't one of them!

I want to be honest but equally know if she finds out she’s been rejected because of something someone said about her (would she find out?) then it will be obvious it was me. My brother wouldn’t speak negatively of her because he had a totally different experience. His Dad wasn’t abusive towards him plus they split when he was 9 and I left home a year later so she was quite close to my brother in a way she never was with me.

This really. Eventually you wade your way through your shit and you feel differently.

The thing to be looking for is where it still interferes negatively with your life. Dysfunctional upbringings normalise really shitty behaviour so you don’t see the woods for the trees with it. It is unraveling all of that is what therapy does really well in my experience.

They'd probably tell her she hadn't passed the various assessments - I doubt they'd specify the character witness.

And, OP, the vulnerable children she could become responsible for, are more important than your relationship with her. Sorry, but lying for her would make you complicit in potential harm. Do the right thing here.

@Howxli , I think there are certain family members we understandably expect to have a positive role in our lives especially our parents. A child is in such a vulnerable situation and so dependent on the love and support of its carers. When we have children of our own it brings into sharp focus any shortcomings in how we were parented.
I’m so sorry your parents do sound to have been neglectful but that is in no way a reflection on you. You need to get to a place where you can accept the situation and move on with your life which is not easy. What you are experiencing is like grief for relationships which you should have been able to take for granted really but could not, a death of hope if you will.
The positive thing in all this is that you have used your parent’s appalling example to form your own family relationships in a much more healthy way.
You might benefit from some counselling to help work through your feelings to a place of acceptance. In your circumstances I would probably keep my interactions with my parents at a distance but only you can make that decision for yourself.
Finally, you really must not lie about your experience with your mother.
I wish you well, draw those who love you close this Christmas and enjoy their love. X

From what I’ve just read online, it’s unlikely they’ll contact me to ask for my opinion anyway. She’s already been approved and said she now has to do some training apparently so I’d guess she will be fostering irrespective of my opinions on the matter. She has changed a lot as she’s got older so may do a good job at fostering but she certainly didn’t do a good job with me…

Your parents sound crap, yes-that’s rubbish. I wouldn’t be lying to any social workers though. I would never figured myself of anything happened to another child.

Also had a rather frustrating chat with my paternal Grandma last night. She was telling me all about my cousin and how she doesn’t have to pay nursery fees now she’s back at work because my Uncle and Aunt look after her baby. My Grandma even said how expensive nursery fees are like I’m unaware in some way.

Did you say anything here? I would have replied-‘yes, I know it’s expensive. We had no help from parents so have always had to pay full time childcare, it’s more than our mortgage’ or something along those lines.

This is true. I drew upon negative experiences with lecturers when I was at uni to shape me into the lecturer I am now and I have done the same thing when parenting my DC. I basically do the opposite to my own parents and offer my DC complete stability and love. That is one benefit I suppose, you know what a bad parent is and make sure you’re not one!

I can relate to the distance you feel from your mother because she stayed in an abusive relationship.

One always gets accused of victim blaming for harbouring resentment for the parent who didn’t leave an abusive situation, because all people can think about in DV situations is the woman. The children don’t get a look in. It is the parents’ responsibility to keep children safe - who else can protect a small child from abuse if not their mother? A child is stuck - an adult woman has options. Not the most palatable options and often ones that would make her financially worse off, but they’re still options and she still has a choice. Every day she doesn’t leave is another day of forcing a child to live in an abusive environment.

I did yes. I said ‘I know, we’ve spent thousands of pounds on it over the past few years’ and she swiftly changed the subject.

I’d understand slightly more if I ever witnessed him being abusive towards her but I never did. Maybe he was behind the scenes in some way but I only ever recall him
being abusive towards me. She had severe anxiety, depression and agoraphobia for a while so I think she was afraid to be alone more than anything else. Still doesn’t justify staying with a man who beats your child.

Still doesn’t justify staying with a man who beats your child.

Exactly. I’ve heard every excuse under the sun, and the excuses are validated by society which sees women as helpless victims with no agency.

The children don’t get a look in. It is the parents’ responsibility to keep children safe. A child is stuck - an adult woman has options.

This a thousand times over. It's very hard not to have resentment in that type of situation.

I’m just feeling a bit frustrated that I majorly drew the short straw with my parents

You didn't. You had a rough time, as did many others. I did, too. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. You can see where they were wrong, because they gave you a good example of how not to be. In some ways, this could be viewed as learning important life lessons early, the hard way. But they were still lessons, and they were still useful to you.

Take the silver lining. They were shit, sure, but there are up-sides to this. They taught you (by showing you what not to do) how to parent your kids well. You've built a happy family. Your kids are doing great, and so are you. Your upbringing isn't happening now, and you're the one who is responsible for how you let it affect today, in your mind.

It helped me to feel less bitter when I focussed on me instead of them. I'm so glad I'm a decent and savvy enough person to identify that they treated me poorly. I'm so glad I have good people around me, who I chose to be in my life, and don't have to be treated that way any more. I'm so glad that although I don't get given anything, I'm adult enough to manage my own life: I don't need them. I can't be bitter about not getting what I don't need from someone. Can you?

I don’t think about it every day or let it drag me down constantly. I think there’s a lot of subconscious, built up trauma and resentment that surfaces whenever I hear about people who have decent, supportive parents like my cousin that’s all.

I don’t walk around feeling like a victim and have still pushed forward with my life, it’s just surfaced now because it’s Christmas I guess and my Mum wanting to foster children really dragged the bitterness out of me. She’s barely helped me with my DC and was a crap Mother to me but is willing to help others now? Annoying.

I understand OP and I don’t have an answer really.
My mother was (still is at times) the abusive one but she had partners who were way worse than her, sneaky, gaslighting me, goading her on, trying to sleep with my friends. She will never accept my experiences as being real and claims I only say it to hurt her. My dad decided his parenting involved a very small maintenance cheque each month and that was it. He started another family and we were a financial drain, nothing of use from him. Seeing cousins relationships with their parents hurt and seeing the support they get as adults with childcare also hurt at first but it also looked smothering to me.

It took some therapy to say out loud my parents were bad parents. I forever looked at things like they were young or they needed to have a life too to justify their behaviour. I was made to believe I caused them both to behave towards me the way they did. My mums partner and my step mum were also complicit in my believing this because my parents narcissism and clever manipulations meant the adults all believed it was obviously all my fault (I was a child!)

You were a child and you had no say in how they treated you. You are NOT responsible
for their behaviour, for them being shit parents, for their inability to protect you. Even as an older teen/young adult, when they should have been there supporting you, you were failed by THEM. You don’t suddenly turn 18 and become a mature and responsible adult, it’s a process and you need the security of role models to help you get there. They failed you.

Youve done well in spite of them, possibly even because of the way you were treated and you parent differently because of it, remember the positives that have come about because of your experience. There’s a lot to be said for working through your pain in therapy for years but there’s also a lot to be said for just letting it go, accepting it for what it was and making a decision to stop letting it hurt you but I appreciate that isn’t easy.

I don’t think about it every day or let it drag me down constantly

I didn't infer that you did.

I don’t walk around feeling like a victim

I didn't infer that you did.

She’s barely helped me with my DC and was a crap Mother to me but is willing to help others now? Annoying

You don't need her help, and so are not any kind of victim of not getting it. You don't need to care about who she gives her help to, because it makes no difference to you. You are fine, aren't you? So, in this instance, you are insisting on feeling like a victim of something that has nothing to do with you. It's not an accusation; I did this for years, myself. My dad, who I don't speak to, started saying it was 'a shame I was set in my ways' because I won't have any kind of relationship with him, after he was abusive to me and my mum, for a long long time. I drove myself mad, thinking about it... 'How dare he put this on me, how dare he not accept responsibility, who does he think he is, what's his problem that he can't accept he was wrong...' etc. But one day, I just thought 'I don't give a crap what he does or says. He can think what he likes.' and letting go of being the victim of his words and actions freed me.

Your mum won't change. So either it all stays the same (i.e. you feel waves of bitterness) or you change. Take charge of this. You don't need her to raise you any more. She can be exactly as it is, and your power is in letting her, without any injury to your day/mood/mindset.

I don't think you should get over it or stop feeling resentful but, if you can park those feelings somewhere in the back of your brain it would be good.

I have an amazing Mum who couldn't be more loving and supportive of me and my Dad isn't too bad and I find it hard to imagine how 'life' works if you don't have that solid foundation. I think it shows what an amazing person you must be to have overcome your childhood and to be providing a wonderful childhood to your own kids. That must take a lot of strength and hopefully makes you happy.
There are a lot of shite parents out there.

I get how you feel, I think at this time of year its hard when you see other families getting along and enjoying time together. I also had crap parents and feel quite bitter about it all if I compare them to my friends parents.
Ive had a lot of therapy and it made a huge difference to me to finally free myself from any blame I felt for their behaviour and shortcomings. It also helped me to see that they are how they are and there is nothing I can do to change them (not that I even speak to my dad, he has zero interest in me).
Also it is their loss. I am a nice person and would have been a great daughter to them! Ultimately its luck of the draw, some of us are born to people who really should not have had children. 😢
Ive got my own family now and like you, I use my experiences to make sure I dont do those things with my own children, their childhood is very different to mine.
One of the things my therapist said which I found really useful was that I needed to parent myself, she suggested I went back and looked through old photos and basically told myself that I deserved better and allowed myself to grieve for the little girl that didnt get that parental support. I need to be kind to myself and treat myself how a loving parent would.

There is a lot of wisdom in this but honestly to get to this point I think you have to pass through where @Howxli is at. I think it is @Watchkeys says that eventually you have to give up on the dream of decent parents and accept the extremely common reality of shitty ones. Remaining trapped in the mindset of unfairness doesn’t get you anywhere but it is incredibly unfair.

The everyone is doing their best narrative is a trap in a lot of cases, a grand delusion, sure lots of people are absolutely but a decent minority of people are not decent parents and do nowhere near their best.

We had very similar starts, except my biological dad left before birth, not seen since. And my mum and step dad didn't split up despite the abuse to me (not 6 years younger half brother brother or mum). I have a great deal of resentment too, not helped by her constant guilting and martyrdom over lack of visits etc. It's definitely amped up since having the kids (now 4 and 1).

I to didn't have a great childhood because of my parents. I've had therapy to deal with my issues. It helped so much.