Resentment over having crap parents.

[Howxli]

My parents were 21 when I was born and I was very much unplanned, I think they’d been together around 2 years when I was born. They broke up when I was a baby so no recollection of a family unit and my childhood was a mess, to be frank.

My Mum met someone else when I was 2 and he was an abusive bastard, a drug addict and a huge racist bigot so not the best choice of stepdad. They had my brother when I was 6 and my stepdad became violent and emotionally abusive specifically towards me so I had a really fun time at home. They split when I was 15 after I’d had to call the police one night because he jumped on me and started punching me. Never had a particularly close relationship with my Mum because it’s difficult to trust someone who stayed with a man like that. He wasn’t abusive towards her AFAIK but she had MH problems so I think she was afraid to be alone. She’s also a totally different person to me and we don’t have very much in common.

My Dad evidently lives in cuckoo land and still to this day thinks he’s going to be an actor. He moved to London when I was 8 to chase this dream and is still trying to this day despite now being in his mid 50s and it not going anywhere. We stopped talking when I was 19 because he kept making endless excuses not to see me anymore. I think in his mind he’d ‘raised me’ to adulthood so that was his job done. He never remarried or had more children so I’m his only child. I always thought we were close when I was a child but in hindsight, he just spent a lot of money on me and didn’t really offer much in the way of real parenting or support. I saw him most weekends until I was a teenager when I wanted to see my friends more. I have lots of fond memories of holidays abroad, nice trips out with him etc but it is all a bit superficial really, he wasn’t around for any of the day to day boring stuff and was very much a Disney Dad. I tried to reconnect with him about 6 years ago but this consisted of me putting in all the legwork, I was chasing visits with him and I was travelling down south to see him. When I did meet up with him, he didn’t seem all that interested in my life and just spoke about himself so I gave up and he hasn’t chased a relationship with me in any way.

I still speak to my Mum a little bit but not all that often. I went to see her at the weekend to exchange Christmas gifts with my DC and she said she wants to get into fostering which I can’t fully grasp personally. She said they may contact me to ask what she was like as a Mother so I suppose I’m expected to lie because she really wasn’t a good one at all… She spent much of my childhood drunk and I don’t recall her ever being a supportive, loving or emotionally available Mum. She also obviously let her partner abuse me for almost a decade so I don’t really want to lie to them and make out like she was Mary Poppins.

Also had a rather frustrating chat with my paternal Grandma last night. She was telling me all about my cousin and how she doesn’t have to pay nursery fees now she’s back at work because my Uncle and Aunt look after her baby. My Grandma even said how expensive nursery fees are like I’m unaware in some way. We’ve never had any remote support from any relative with our DC so we’ve always had to pay for FT childcare.

I guess this time of year in particular rakes up a lot of resentment over not having a close family unit. I’ve created my own with DH and DC and that’s lovely but I’m just feeling a bit frustrated that I majorly drew the short straw with my parents. My Uncle evidently supports his DD and GC a lot which is lovely. He wasn’t much older than my Dad when she was born so can’t use the excuse that my Dad was just too young to be an effective parent… I just have useless parents, their age and circumstances are no excuse imo. I’m just looking for advice on how to overcome this built up resentment and bitterness really? I have a great career, home and family life so I don’t have much to grumble about but I do wish I had better parents.

I know what you mean OP I had a similar upbringing. Sometimes it's only from the vantage point of happiness that it hits you what you went through and how much you missed out on, and that carries on all through your life. People don't always realize the privilege and advantages that having two supportive parents throughout their life, including through adulthood gives them. I also feel bitter but I've found therapy and counseling does help.

My mum has also recently become a foster carer (I was shocked I wasn't contacted at all). I try to see her as a different person to the woman who brought me up. She is in a way, her life and even personality is totally different. I can see that she needs to fulfill that mother role, and that in a way I should see it as a positive thing for me too because its an acknowledgement that she knows she didn't get it right with me and has a guilt she needs to repay by fostering (she'd never admit this but I can see what's driving it).

Obviously it's different if you feel she's still a risk now. But I think one of the hardest things about adulthood is realising our parents are also growing and changing and that who I took to be grown ups who knew everything in hindsight were just inexperienced young people who made a lot of selfish mistakes that they wouldn't make now they're nearing retirement age.

Have you talked to her and asked her why she allowed this man to abuse you? I think that this is a question worth asking

You should not let her off the hook

However what I will say is resentment is like drinking your own poison so be careful about brooding over these things. They only hurt you whilst others generally don’t give a fig.

Im glad to read that you are not letting your experiences define your life - so many on here are helpless to that as they’ve endured misery growing up.

Re the fostering I advise you say you don’t feel able to comment on her suitability as a foster carer.They will not insist.I know a person who fosters who was a terrible mother to her 5 children in fact the children needed to be in care themselves.This person was approved and receives over £400 a week to foster a teen with SEN. Tell the social worker you don’t want your name mentioned.I would try and find some counselling for yourself re your childhood.Good luck

I'm on my own voyage into how my crap parents shaped my own life OP. One of the hardest realisations was that my sibling got all the love and admiration and support, education, whereas I had to fend for myself pretty much from age 16.

What hurts most is that they did have it in them to be wonderful parents, but only one of us got that from them, the rest of us got minimal and often brutal treatment. It would be far easier if I could pretend that they weren't capable of being perfect parents.

I don't have answers for you OP as I am still unpicking it for myself. But I do know that acceptance of what happened and surrounding myself with great people is helping me a lot.

I second therapy. It's very painful but insightful. I had 6 weeks on the nhs but I'd be careful as 6 weeks for such truma might not be long enough. It was for me but I can see it wasn't ideal

Sime of your story is very similar to mine. I don’t feel resentment that I didn’t get proper parents. It wasn’t my fault I was just a child born into the situation.
I am the adult now so have to take responsibility towards raising my own children and surround them in the love I never got.
I can understand the feelings of resentment though as I did feel it at times when I was young.
Life deals some a much tougher hand then others. Anyone living in a happy, secure, loving home is lucky.

Your mum won't change. So either it all stays the same (i.e. you feel waves of bitterness) or you change. Take charge of this. You don't need her to raise you any more. She can be exactly as it is, and your power is in letting her, without any injury to your day/mood/mindset.

It's very easy to say this stuff but I've no idea how you actually put it into practice. It's just not that simple.

People don't always realize the privilege and advantages that having two supportive parents throughout their life, including through adulthood gives them.

This is so true.

OP I'm from a similar background and I've found the anger and resentment resurfaces at particularly stressful times - it did when my DD was born and has again this year when my DF died. I manage it OK a lot of the time but I dont seem to have any control over how it makes me feel and when - I'd love to understand how to move on as suggested above.

They do both sound shit, to be honest. I think it's better to look at that honestly and sigh and acknowledge that you got a bum deal, rather than either trying to pretend they were good parents or using their shitness as an excuse in life. It sounds like you do neither of these things and live a good and generally happy life now, which is a great tribute to yourself!

The thing is this. They may not be able to foster. Because you cannot provide them with a good reference. Because they did what they did. I don't know whether if they can evidence they have done significant work in therapy working on boundaries it might make a difference. That is for them and SW. But please do not be an apologist for them.

If not they can find other paths to fulfilment.

When you say 'therapy', what do you mean exactly? (I see a counsellor but I'm not sure it's helping with childhood trauma.)

I had counselling a couple of years ago for PND after my youngest DC was born but I didn’t delve effectively into my childhood so I’m not convinced it helped a great deal. I don’t dwell too much on the past at all usually because I never see much point. It’s done and I can’t change it. I think it still subconsciously hurts me however much I ignore it though because things like this cause the hurt to resurface.

My former Stepdad died a couple of years ago very suddenly and very painfully and I was glad tbh. I didn’t say that out loud to anyone but I just thought “good” and that was that. Felt bad for my brother but not bad in the slightest that he’d died before his time.

I do primarily focus on the good life I’ve still managed to carve out for myself day to day, I think Christmas is a time for reflection and that reflection isn’t always positive I guess. I’d never put on a victim hat and let it stop me doing things in life fwiw, I’ve always used it as fuel to make sure I do succeed and make sure I’m the best I can be. I’m always envious of DH for his close relationship with FIL in particular. He always has someone to call when he needs help or support and I’ve just never had that, I have to help myself.

Oh and as for challenging my Mother, I wouldn’t know where to start. We’ve never had deep conversations in life generally and I’m barely ever in her company, whenever I am there’s other people around so I don’t know when we could have that sort of conversation or whether it’s even worthwhile. Weird it doesn’t haunt her and she doesn’t think she might owe me at least an apology but there you go.

Your feelings are really understandable. Counselling will help but pay privately so you can choose your counsellor and have as many sessions as you need. Six sessions of CBT will likely not be enough for this.

The social workers should have interviewed you about your mother before she went for and to the fostering panel as a potential foster carer. It is incredible that they did not do this- ex partners, employers past and present are all contacted as are family members.
However your mother’s MH issues would show on the medical records they should have looked at. Can you contact the fostering team? If not you can call the local MASH multi agency safeguarding hub anonymously. I have found that as I have healed from abuse, carrying out my safeguarding duties in my job has had the side effect of helping me so how far I have come and has actually put that earlier suffering to some good use in the world.

I think we all have a duty to look out for those children who are vulnerable in society. Please please make the call. You mother really does not sound like a suitable foster carer.

Therapy really helped me. Bloody hard work and totally worth it. Good luck to you!

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Without meaning to be harsh, it is better that she finds out it was you and the truth of your experiences become clear to her, whatever to the fallout, than she mistreats an already very vulnerable foster child, or potentially multiple children. Your relationship with your mother, in the grand scheme of things, is already not very strong and although it sounds harsh, your relationship with your mother is not more important than your duty of care to protect vulnerable children from what may likely be a harmful situation. You may need to accept some negative consequences from telling the truth and doing the right thing.

My parents and other family members were shite OP. Peroso if I were you I'd permanently end all contact with your parents and be completely honest with the foster people about how absolutely dreadful your mum was. That means you might save a kid from the toxic hell you went through. That'd be a really powerful thing for you to do. I suspect your mum is a complete narcissist if she let you be abused and now wants to make you lie for her so other kids can also be under her control and presumably be very poorly looked after (who has such little self reflection that she'd be as dreadful as she was to you then take in other kids? Smacks of image, narcissism or complete delusion to me).

Whatever it is it is all toxic as hell and you'd be well away from it all permanently, as would your kids. It'd be a good end the cycle move, to move on for good.