What do I do? Leave him?

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

I cannot stop arguing with DP. We have 2 children, age 4 and 9 months.

The main issues are lack of communication and a complete inability on his part to take on his fair share of the mental load.

He barely speaks to me, I can ask him a question (and he’s heard me) and actually be met with silence. He seems to think replying is optional. I’ll message him something and he won’t bother replying - he’ll just assume I take his silence as agreement even if it’s not ‘that’ kind of message. This has lead to a lot of incidents which could have been solved or prevented with basic communication. No conversation is ever finished, he just walks off as I’m mid sentence. I find it so dismissive and rude. I’m talking basic conversations about what the kids have on that day, or things we need to discuss (for example our house move).

The second issue is the mental load. He seems utterly incapable of doing anything without so much hand holding, planning and ‘directing’ from me. He isn’t lazy and will do anything I ask him, but I don’t want to have to ask. For once I want him to decide what we do with the kids at the weekend, or book a needed GP appointment without asking, or just go into the kitchen and start making their lunch. Today he was supposed to take both kids for the morning so I could declutter a room for the baby to move into. He needs so much help getting out the door, I have to constantly check if the kids have been fed and taken to the toilet, as he gets angry and more flustered. I had to think of somewhere for them to go, and remind him when to bring them back for the baby’s next feed.

It’s all so exhausting. It’s every day. The worst thing is he gets angry at himself and being called out when something else goes tits up, and ends up snapping at me or the children. I’ve tried talking to him about it. He apologises then goes back to how he was the next morning.

Any advice?

The above is in reply to MsRosley. Thinking about it I should really change my username

What does "if a man needs lists and labels there are serious problems" even mean? This is exactly the kind of comment men find so frustrating. A solution is offered and gets dismissed without any reason whatsoever! Without even considering it, just "No".

Women quite rightly want things done. Men just like to have a checklist so they know what to do. It doesn't seem like a big compromise. In fact, it's not a compromise at all because it save women repeating themselves.

If someone needs help getting kids ready to go out that means they don't know something they need to know. Rather than telling them verbally 100 times which causes friction on both sides, just write it down once. Result, harmony.

Men can do all the things women do to run a home. They actively choose not to.

Men could sit down and write their own lists and labels if they wanted to. They could check if they have missed any household chores if they wanted to.

They could prioritise their partner and family, if they wanted to.

Its very easy to blame women for men’s lack of respect for their family, so it’s important we shift the blame where it belong, entirely on the man’s shoulders. The only blame for women is in tolerating this shit behaviour, though the many societal, financial and behavioural pressures to conform, have a partner, etc. add to the mix.

And that book mentioned upthread sounds like it was written by a handmaiden….. if women are taking on all the mental load it’s her needs and wants that should be prioritised, not her husbands.

Prioritizing the blame over the solution doesn't help.

OP you now have a range of advice and options. My take on the situation is that men are not good on either multitasking or communicating (which is what the book Why Women Talk and Men Walk is all about. Men have their strong points too.) You need to respect the beast you brought home. You won't be able to change your husband. I suggest you have a really hard look at everything you do on a daily and weekly basis. Then cut out everything that doesn't add to the family harmony. No child has ever come to harm because they ate supermarket muffins over home baked ones. You need to create time for yourself on a daily basis. To read a book, watch a TV programme, update your work skills etc. And please stop micro managing your husband. If you want to declutter the bedroom just proceed and trust that your husband will take care of the children without causing them irreparable damage. He loves his children just as much as you do, he will take care of them even if he makes a few mistakes along the way. None of this is critical to your children's long-term wellbeing. Endless arguments around the house are.

"Respect the beast you brought home" 😂😂😂

Good grief. If there's anything less respectful. 😂This view of men is so derogatory: they can't change, they're basically grunting neanderthals and the best you can hope for is to do as they want and then they'll tell their family how great you are and bring home chocolates they've slain in the supermarket. 😂

I wish I'd read and considered this ten years ago.

Wow what a depressing collection of posts.

Op your husband sounds like he's not being particularly nice to you, have you got support in family and friends around you ?

Sounds like he doesn't need the close relationship with you, that you want from him.

That made me laugh out loud on the bus, thank you

Aren't your teenagers just learning that women compromise and wait patiently, while men do things on their timetable.

Isn't it a worrying precedent to teach them? That men are entitled to essentially dictate what happens when... just because they are men?

@Tiredbehyondbelief

You need to respect the beast you brought home. You won't be able to change your husband.

It's impossible for a man to change... so the woman should?

Your teenagers are witnessing a dynamic that doesn't promote genuinely healthy partnership within relationships.

Aren't your teenagers just learning that women compromise

Of course women compromise. Families compromise. Multiple people living together in one house have to compromise or you end up with open warfare.

If everybody compromises and everybody cooperates life can be pretty good.

How odd, you cut off the second part of that sentence which gave it context.

Aren't your teenagers just learning that women compromise and wait patiently, while men do things on their timetable.

My point isn't that compromise is bad. Compromise is essential in a healthy, loving partnership.

One partner doing all the compromising isn't. Which was the point of the sentence, which you chopped in half to misrepresent it entirely. What a strange thing to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn't change the meaning whatsoever. You listed three things I quoted the first. It's too late edit to put the whole quote in but it wouldn't have altered my point (or your point) one bit.

I did the whole lists and allocated chores thing in my last relationship and it lasted all of about 3 weeks before he slowly started just not doing bits, then a few more bits, then guess what happened when I reminded him about the jobs list THAT HE ASKED FOR? I got shouted at for nagging. Safe to say he is now an ex.
It's not a route I would be prepared to go down again on the basic assumption that a lot of men that need lists made for them also lack the motivation to follow them, surprise surprise.

Compromise is essential in a healthy, loving partnership.

Then we are in complete agreement that it's utterly terrific if teenagers learn that women should compromise, just like everyone else. ✔️

"And if the man needs lists and labels given to him within the home then there are serious problems".

This was my initial comment in full. You took out the words underlined, how odd indeed.

His silence towards the OP is also disturbing; he is using this as a way to shut her down. There is also no evidence to suggest he wants compromise in this relationship; he wants her to do it all whilst he otherwise swans about.

I did the whole lists and allocated chores thing in my last relationship and it lasted all of about 3 weeks before he slowly started just not doing bits, then a few more bits, then guess what happened when I reminded him about the jobs list THAT HE ASKED FOR? I got shouted at for nagging. Safe to say he is now an ex.

It got you three weeks of assistance without verbally chasing him so that's a result even if it didn't save the marriage.

It doesn't change the meaning whatsoever. You listed three things I quoted the first. It's too late edit to put the whole quote in but it wouldn't have altered my point (or your point) one bit.

It really does. It changes it from a statement about the disparity between expectations of women vs those of men, to a statement purely about women. Completely different.

Your approach on this thread is quite strange as you're either misunderstanding people or being wilfully disingenuous in your replies.

Do you believe, fundamentally, that women should be willing to make more compromises than men?

It certainly reads that way.

Women quite rightly want things done. Men just like to have a checklist so they know what to do. It doesn't seem like a big compromise. In fact, it's not a compromise at all because it save women repeating themselves.

And by the way, plenty of decent men don't need a checklist and a perfectly capable of being equal partners in every sense when it comes to emotional labour, housework and parenting.

I think more men than women are the way you've described because they're taught that women will do the thinking for them when it comes to housework and parenting.

They're more than capable of doing so and the good ones do.

That is literally hilarious. Oh yes I was so grateful..bizarre attitude. Why on earth would anyone view 3 weeks of 'assistance' with our joint home and child without having to go on and on as a win.

Assuming this is me, the words I took out don't change the meaning of what you said or make any difference to my point.

His silence is 100pc aimed at avoiding arguments. He's thinking "There's nothing I can say that will help the situation, I'll just keep my head down and hope it goes away." If there was something he could say that would bring harmony and peace he'd say it. For men silence is a way to avoid confrontation, it's not about provoking it.

Because before lists he was doing nothing or needed micromanaging.

After lists you had three weeks of him pulling his weight.

That is what I meant by win. (Albeit it's not the biggest.)

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour

If there was something he could say that would bring harmony and peace he'd say it.

How about "Sure, I'll get those jobs done today. Thanks for the stuff you do too." That would bring 'harmony and peace', no? And make the household a nicer, calmer and more loving place for everyone who lives there?

I'm shocked anyone wants to be with someone who would rather give the silent treatment than just muck in. Especially when them not mucking means that their partner has to pick up the slack and do far more than their fair share. What low expectations.

He is not taking responsibility for his children and his own domestic life.
It needs to be 50 /50 without the OP having to make lists, or reminders or any other mental load tasks.
I bet the OPs DH is perfectly capable of getting things done at work without a boss micromanaging him.

I would be totally honest with him in a very calm way and state simply that his inaction and his dumping the mental load on you has reached a point where you can't take it anymore. He either steps up or moves out.

I wouldn't help him with tasks that he should know what to do, like helping him get the children out the door, let him deal with it. If things go wrong just ignore it.

"Assuming this is me, the words I took out don't change the meaning of what you said or make any difference to my point."

How is that so?. A grown man who has to be given a list of tasks to do within the home is a relationship that has serious problems within it. He is equally responsible for the household and how it runs. Why it is the woman's job here to give said man a list?.

Why do you think his silence is a way of avoiding arguments?. This man who is dodging conflicts may be doing so to avoid a discussion about his behaviour in the relationship. It is a way for this person to escape accountability and move forward with a self-serving act that may hurt his partner.