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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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43 replies

Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 12:32

Good Morning Everyone.

This is a bit of a long one so apologies in advance.

In March- I did an Ancestry DNA test with my kids that we all got for Christmas from myself as I thought it would be a fun thing to do.

Anyway.....my sons came back with some random mans name as their grandad and when mine came back it also had this gentleman's name on as my father.

My mother is a massive Narcissist- I was terrified to ask her and when I did she denied all knowledge and gaslit me immensely- but I was so angry and sure it was a correct result I persued it with her- she eventually turned up at my house at 5am in tears saying she had been r by the man who is my biological father and I was never to mention it again to anyone.

Since then she has not once asked if I am ok- she literally left me with the information my biological father is a r*** and has not really spoken to me.

She has told me never to tell my dad as I will devastate him etc.

Since messaging the man I have matched with- she just had an affair with him and he never knew I existed.

I am in therapy for all of this and it is going well!

Anyway, she had messaged in July asking if me and my two teenagers wanted to go to the pantomime. I had said yes as we all go every year, me, my mum, dad sister, brother and partners. It's on December the 24th and I have just found out she has not booked my two boys tickets. She is now expecting me to attend a 7pm performance on Christmas Eve and leave my kids at home and not be returning till 12am. I have said I am not coming as she hasn't booked them tickets. Before anyone says I should have booked them myself, this is not how my mother works- she books them all and is so image conscious it would cause a row- also she offered to book them and said she had and now hasn't?

It has absolutely thrown me and I feel like it's a weird mind game.

I have just spoken to my dad and he's asking if I am coming over on Christmas day- I don't want to go- I come away every year in tears where she unnecessarily insults me and everyone else just sits there as they are too scared to say anything to her. I have just explained this to him and he has said he totally understands but he still wants to see me and my boys over Christmas.

I am so awkward about it as I am keeping this massive secret from my dad on my mums behalf and my mum is still acting like a massive p towards me.

I don't want to sit in that toxic environment where she has too much to drink, starts insulting me (telling me I have too much makeup, making snide comments about do I own an iron, have I brushed my hair this morning, how I got divorced last year and she's still got my ex husband on FB and he looks like he's doing well) and then when I say something back she cries and runs to her room and tells me I have ruined her day (this has happened every year as long as I can remember- I am 37).

Am I being over dramatic

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 20/12/2023 12:36

For all you know your mum may have been raped by this man which is why she's such a headache about it.
I'm always wary of these DNA tests because they bring up long buried family traumas.

1smallhamsterfoot · 20/12/2023 12:37

In fairness the bloke isn’t gonna say oh hi yeah I raped her is he?

Itham · 20/12/2023 12:38

She could be lying about being raped OP. She has effectively silenced you so you cannot speak about it.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 12:39

Of course not, but I also highly doubt he would have his name and contact details on a ancestry test results page and then say yes I knew her- we had an affair and have never done it again to anyone else.

OP posts:
RamsaysBitchinNightmares · 20/12/2023 12:40

Wow... That's a lot.

No, you aren't being dramatic, it sounds like a toxic relationship unfortunately.

I would say though, that whilst she's left you with this information about your real father, do keep in mind, she was the victim in that and has obviously never had the strength to report it or deal with it, burying it deep and pretending to the world that everything is ok.

This could also mean that she does resent you somewhat, the child of a R. That's not your fault. It's his, the man that did this to her.

Would she consider joining you at a therapy session to open up?

In regards to Christmas, don't go. Maybe offer to go boxing day for a few hours for your dad's sake? And also, ask your boys what they want to do.. would they rather sit at home and chill with whatever new Xbox games etc?

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 12:42

This is my issue- I asked the guy how he knew her and he said they were having an affair for weeks- he's also a teacher and is mortified she has said that about him.

OP posts:
RamsaysBitchinNightmares · 20/12/2023 12:49

Oh gosh, apologies, I missed that detail.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 12:59

This also isn't something new. She lies about alot!

OP posts:
something2say · 20/12/2023 13:00

I think...

Maybe it was an affair and she got pg and has passed the baby off as her husband's.

Maybe she feels massively threatened by you having found out.

Are you going to tell your dad?

As for Christmas, this seems like a separate issue. You cant go to the pantomime because of your boys.

Dunno what to say about Christmas day. Unless you suddenly feel ill after dinner??

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:02

No, I won't be telling him- I don't want to devastate him like that and he's still my dad. I just thought she would be trying to at least make some sort of amends after having lied to me for 37 years about it though. Instead it seems to have throttled her into even worse behaviour. I genuinly as a mother don't get how her ego and image is more important than checking on your child and helping them with the information they have just found out.

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 20/12/2023 13:07

Your mum won't change. Been there and done that. The only thing you can do is control what you let yourself and your boys get exposed to.

I did go NC with my mum. It worked for me massively and I don't regret it.
In your case I'd say you're not going on Xmas day and turn your phone off. But only you will know if you can make that work and not be constantly worrying. I found the more distance I had the better I actually felt.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:12

This is where I am currently at. I have not really spoken to her for about 3 months now properly and I have without listening to her harsh judgement of everything I do, become a lot more self confident. My boys refuse to go to theirs anyway as she constantly insults them as well.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2023 13:18

Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 12:42

This is my issue- I asked the guy how he knew her and he said they were having an affair for weeks- he's also a teacher and is mortified she has said that about him.

I’m sorry, you’ve contacted this man AND told him your mum has said he raped her?

There’s obviously lots of spinning plates here and different issues to deal with, but I think it’s really unfair to unilaterally decide your mum is lying about being raped and decide this man you’ve never met and never knew existed is telling the truth. Not sure the relevance him being a teacher has, if we know anything these days it’s that absolutely anybody can do anything- police men, nurses, people who swear to protect can be evil in disguise.

Another poster mentioned therapy together and I honestly think that is absolutely worth a try, if your mum is telling the truth then that is an absolutely horrific thing to have lived with in secret for 37 years.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:29

No, shes refusing to go to therapy and telling me if I tell anyone I will destroy our entire family and then has left me alone with the information- so yes I did ask.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 20/12/2023 13:32

To be fair, the OP knows her mum best and Narcs are very capable liars so if OP’s gut feeling is that her mum is more likely to have had an affair than being raped then fair enough. Non of us can say one way or another, if it was an affair I’d wager it was neither her 1st nor last.

Its a bloody mess though OP and i feel for you. I wouldn’t go over on Christmas. Maybe tell your mum you spoke to the man, you know she had an affair and to stay out of your way.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2023 13:34

Could you get some therapy yourself OP to discuss these things?

It is a really tough situation because I can equally see both sides. If your mum was raped and has kept that to herself for 37 years I cannot imagine how it must feel for her to be confronted with that fact again now and I don’t think anybody could blame her for not wanting to discuss it at this point.

Of course in an ideal world you would be able to discuss this with her and you do deserve answers, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to provide them.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:35

You're correct...it wasn't the last

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 20/12/2023 13:35

I get that you don’t like her much.
But you believe a total stranger over your own mum?
What if she is telling the truth? That is some secret she has been keeping and if it’s true may explain her behaviour to you over the years.

You need to work on your relationship with your mother - not form a new one with this man/rapist.

You really have no clue whether he did or didn’t rape her but I certainly wouldn’t be taking his word that he didn’t.

You love your Dad and your kids - please don’t throw your family under the bus. Leave it be. Walk away from this shit storm before it hits. Nothing good will come of it.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:36

So just continue to let her be verbally abusive to me at the detriment of myself basically?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:38

And yes I do, she has lied to me about many, many things.

OP posts:
bananablues · 20/12/2023 13:38

Don’t go there for Christmas- no one wants to go & no good will come of it.

but make an effort to see your dad (he might even know), maybe Christmas Eve or on Boxing Day.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2023 13:42

Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:36

So just continue to let her be verbally abusive to me at the detriment of myself basically?

I don’t think anybody at all is saying that? If you don’t want to spend time with her then you don’t have to, and if you don’t want to spend Christmas together then you don’t have to. That is absolutely your choice.

I don’t personally buy into the “you have to love them/go there/make an effort because they are family”, if somebody treats you badly, makes you feel bad about yourself etc, you don’t have to invest your time in them. You love the people who love you back, you put your energy into people who give you energy back. That is completely fine. If you don’t want to go then don’t go, but that is for me a separate issue to deal with.

Anisette · 20/12/2023 13:54

Invite your father round on his own.

Original poster
Amymay666 · 20/12/2023 13:59

He would not be allowed to do that

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 20/12/2023 14:03

Bollocks to that. He can tell her he's going to buy engine oil and meet you for a coffee, surely?

If she that controlling that he can't see you without her there spitting venom then I'd have no qualms at all about flat out lying to her so everyone else can have something to enjoy without it being ruined.

She's certainly had no issues with lying, has she...

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