How would you respond to this?

WilseyWooWoo · 2023-12-20T11:03:53+00:00

My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year now and last night he got up in the night, 4.30am, to take some painkillers for a headache and came back to bed. When he got in bed, he rolled over and said ‘if you’re sleeping with someone else then we are over’ I was slightly taken aback and said something like I know, but I’m not. I tried to talk about it more but he just dismissed me and said go back to sleep. Thinking back he’s been quite distant this last week or so. I’m unsure with how to respond to this, whether I just ignore what he said and not bring it up again or should I say something, what would others do? How would you take it?

BranchGold · 20/12/2023 11:05

I’d probably assume he was dreaming about something and still in a sleepy state.

That or he shagged someone at the Christmas party.

swuahies · 20/12/2023 11:07

If he'd been half sleeping and in a lot of pain, I'd have dismissed it as maybe him being out of sorts and/or having one of those cheating dreams that seemed real.

If that's all it was, and it was a one off I'd shrug it off and be expecting us to be laughing about it this morning. My bf often chats absolute rubbish during the night and doesn't even remember it in the morning (it tends to be about work, football or whatever we've been watching on tv).

However, if he's been off with you for a week sounds like there's more to it. Did you bring it up this morning? How is he?

Raffington55 · 20/12/2023 11:08

Dont bring it up yet (if you can bear it) as he might change his behaviour. Then watch him like a hawk. X

HappFridays · 20/12/2023 11:13

Are you sure he is not sleeping with someone else? - reverse psychology

Original poster

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 11:17

I’m pretty sure he isn’t sleeping with anyone else, we do only see each other 3/4 nights a week though so it’s possible.

I did ask him yesterday evening why he seemed so distant and he just turned it round to ask me why I was so distant instead.

I just remembered that when he said that to me last night about sleeping with someone else and I replied, he said ‘that’s what they all say’

OP posts:

HappFridays · 20/12/2023 11:28

So what do you think has triggered his insecurities? What has his previous relationships been like?

Original poster

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 11:56

I really have no idea what has triggered this.
I know he has been cheated on in the past.

The more I think about what he said in the night is making me cross that he thinks that of me and obviously after a year still doesn’t trust me.

OP posts:

Gettingbysomehow · 20/12/2023 11:57

I would be having a conversation with him asap and asking him what that was all about. Your silence implies guilt.

anotherdisaster · 20/12/2023 12:06

He has all but accused you of cheating then. This is not on. I would be having this out with him. It wasn't even done in a nice way.

noooooooo · 20/12/2023 12:08

Sounds like the start of a head-fuck.

SamW98 · 20/12/2023 12:09

So he’s been off with you and deflected it back on you when you mention it.

Then accused you of sleeping with someone else and got defensive.

Hmm this would be getting my red flags flying if I’m honest. Sounds very much like low level gaslighting so could be the start of something you don’t want any part of.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 20/12/2023 12:12

Yes yes he's definitely a psycho fucking with you to make you doubt your own reality and conceal his true nature as what better time to drop a bombshell than in the middle of the night..

Or.. possibly.. he was half asleep, in pain, had a bad dream and made a half asleep comment.

Read into it with asking him as much as you like.

Original poster

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 12:22

Does it sound like gaslighting?

I don’t like being accused of something I haven’t done nor do I feel like I have done anything to make him doubt me. I find it very hurtful that he obviously doesn't trust me.
I also feel like his accusations are so ridiculous that they don’t require me to have to try and prove that I’m not, it’s not the first time he’s asked me.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 20/12/2023 12:50

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 12:22

Does it sound like gaslighting?

I don’t like being accused of something I haven’t done nor do I feel like I have done anything to make him doubt me. I find it very hurtful that he obviously doesn't trust me.
I also feel like his accusations are so ridiculous that they don’t require me to have to try and prove that I’m not, it’s not the first time he’s asked me.

I think he is a massive red flag. The fact he has been distant would tell me that this weird conversation is nothing to do with being half asleep. He is then gaslighting you by then accusing YOU of being distant, when in fact it is him. I honestly would not be shocked if he is the one up to something.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 20/12/2023 12:58

I wonder how many relationships Mumsnet users destroy by advocating extreme assumptions and wild leaps that a little bit of communication could have smoothed over.

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 13:00

Did you not ask him today? What did he say?

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2023 13:04

Surely this morning you asked him if he remembered saying that?

Avatartar · 20/12/2023 13:04

Life’s too short to be dealing with obtuse people- time to end the relationship

HappFridays · 20/12/2023 13:14

I would be cross too - obviously it would be over if someone slept with someone else in any relationship - he should not question his trust in you. What other occasions has he said this to you ?

SamW98 · 20/12/2023 13:15

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 12:22

Does it sound like gaslighting?

I don’t like being accused of something I haven’t done nor do I feel like I have done anything to make him doubt me. I find it very hurtful that he obviously doesn't trust me.
I also feel like his accusations are so ridiculous that they don’t require me to have to try and prove that I’m not, it’s not the first time he’s asked me.

So what happened the last time?

Original poster

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 13:22

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2023 13:04

Surely this morning you asked him if he remembered saying that?

This morning was hectic and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mention it.
I will try and find a good time later when I won’t just get dismissed or told he’s too busy.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/12/2023 13:28

WilseyWooWoo · 20/12/2023 12:22

Does it sound like gaslighting?

I don’t like being accused of something I haven’t done nor do I feel like I have done anything to make him doubt me. I find it very hurtful that he obviously doesn't trust me.
I also feel like his accusations are so ridiculous that they don’t require me to have to try and prove that I’m not, it’s not the first time he’s asked me.

That's the right way to respond to it.

Don't give credence to his irrational jealousy, it just feeds it.

I would think about ending things if this continues: it could be the start of policing who you speak to, who you are friends with, who you might have smiled at in the street, etc etc.

If it's based on his own insecurity or relationship history, it's something he needs to work on himself, not put on you. (So counselling, mental health help that he seeks out/follows through with himself.)

Telling you it's you that's acting distant when it was him and so forth is gaslighting and would fit with it being the beginning of controlling behaviours

Contemplates · 20/12/2023 13:31

I will try and find a good time later when I won’t just get dismissed or told he’s too busy.

Two things there of concern to me:

Just get dismissed
Told he's too busy.

It's not building a great picture OP.

Topjoe19 · 20/12/2023 13:42

I wouldn't let something like that lie. I'd bring it up alright & I wouldn't be dismissed. Half asleep or not it sounds like something is going on with him. Don't let him get away with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2023 14:30

If him dismissing you is already an issue, you need to ask yourself why you're still there.