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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if you did not particularly like his family or kids?

29 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 07:52

Just that really. His parents and siblings are boring most of the time and I don't enjoy visiting. They are also a little culturally ignorant and say offensive things which irks me a little as I am from an immigrant family.

His kids are emotionally draining. They are rude to their father and are always asking for money and things which he gives. Logistics is difficult as there are 2 exes to deal with and their new families. Older kid wants money for surgeries and younger kid has moved to NZ with mother and step family so my partner spends approx 7k on trips for him to visit them. Boundaries with the exes are v weak (with regards to communication and at times emotional dumping) and I try and stay out of it all tbh. I have advised that stronger boundaries might help him but often tell myself that it's not my place to intervene.

I've been with my partner for 4 years now and am becoming ambivalent when considering how many moving parts there are. Alot of it is not his fault, but none are mine either. And the idea of living like this for the next 40 years is not sparking any joy in me.

Some days I wonder if it is easier to just walk away.

Have you felt like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 07:54

I forgot to mention that what is keeping me in the relationship is my love for him, and knowing that he did not ask for any of this and that he wants everything to be ok for everyone, so i often feel guilty for feeling this ambivalence

OP posts:
SquashPenguin · 20/12/2023 07:58

I have! The relationship between me and my ex failed because of his family. I couldn’t take it anymore. His ex wife was the most demanding, horrible cow you could imagine. She’d wait outside my house, taking photos and sending them to him. She’d go out of her way to ruin everything we did. His kids were so unbelievably spoilt they were just downright unpleasant. Even other members of his own family didn’t want to be around them. They were 9 and 5, and would regularly swear, it was disgusting to be honest. I’ve never been happier since I got out of that mess. I’m with someone now whose family couldn’t be nicer! They feel like my own!

theleafandnotthetree · 20/12/2023 07:58

I might consider having a fairly loose dating type relationship with someone if I felt this way about their family, their financial behaviour etc but I certainly wouldn't entangle myself beyond that. I definitely wouldn't have children with him. How deep in are you?

Whataretheodds · 20/12/2023 07:59

Him not being able to apply boundaries will only be exhausting, and doesn't vet better without him making a concerned effort.

If he's not going to apply boundaries with them you'll need to apply them between you and him, whatever that looks like.

QueSyrahSyrah · 20/12/2023 08:03

Wider family I can cope with (I don't exactly jump for joy at the thought of seeing DH's but I've set a boundary in that I join for special occasions and largely leave them to it the rest of the time).

If he has kids and a difficult situation with their Mum though I think that's a different kettle of fish altogether, and if you don't like them and/or resent them at this stage it's not fair on anyone to drag it out. They'll always be his kids so they should will always come first.

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 08:05

Yes, I would absolutely think about walking away. You are allowed to prioritise your life happiness.

How old are the kids, if one wants money for surgeries?

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:05

@theleafandnotthetree We don't live together, no children, not engaged etc. He loves the idea of living together but I get anxious over that as it means I can't just excuse myself and go home when family are there.

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:06

@SheilaFentiman They are 19 and 15

OP posts:
MintJulia · 20/12/2023 08:11

Is he willing to deal with the various issues sensibly and with compromise? Does he have your back? If not, then leave.

I left my ex after a 24 month campaign of physical spite by his two adult dds that he refused to deal with.

I'd got to the point of being prescribed ADs, but I just wasn't prepared to let them do that to me. So ds and I left.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:16

@MintJulia To be fair he does want to make it work for all parties and asserts he wants me to be happy, but it is like whack a mole and honestly I have struggled to communicate in a way that is sensitive and that he understands but without feeling scrutinised as he does not have the healthiest way of dealing with conflict and I try and avoid that.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/12/2023 08:18

It depends what you want really. If what you want is a husband to start a family with and live together in a traditional family set up, then leave now and keep running. He is not in a position to offer that, whether he recognises it or not.

If you don't want children and want a more independent relationship where you both maintain your own homes and can spend time together or apart as you choose, then it could work, and I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker.

Basically, don't have children with him. That would magnify all the problems tenfold, and you already know that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/12/2023 08:19

he does not have the healthiest way of dealing with conflict and I try and avoid that.

Ignore my previous post and just leave now.

Angrycat2768 · 20/12/2023 08:20

If I didn't like his kids I'd definitely walk away. Partly because parenting is for life and they come first and partly because either he had a hand in them being awful kids or he stood by and did no parenting at all. Either way, not a good look. Life's too short, and love is not unconditional if it means ÿou have to put up with something you don't want to. It also seems you resent him spending money visiting his child. His ex can live where she likes. His child has a right to want to live with his mother.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 08:22

I ltb mainly because he was a man child.. But the feeling of joy when I realised I was also dumping his exes and dc.... He also was spineless regarding his exes.... Yanbu to start 2024 without him op.

MintJulia · 20/12/2023 08:23

You don't live together, the children and the exs are distant and yet it is already making you anxious and not relishing your future.

I think you have your answer.

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 08:24

If you said “we are not going to live together for the next 5 years and I am not going to come over when
Your family is visiting” - does that feel sustainable?

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:28

Not resentment. I should have clarified. My partner pleaded that they she not emigrate and take their kid away/ The Ex as part of their agreement of their emigration promised to pay for his ticket to visit once a year. She has now denied she ever said that, claiming that was years ago and he is nuts to even ask. When my partner suggests he pay for his child to come here on holiday she says no unless he is willing to pay for her and her other 3 kids (not his) to fly back too.
He is under a lot of financial stress and this adds to it I suppose. Life in NZ is expensive and the ex ahs asked for more money every month which he is paying and gifts and things to are more expensive. She does not seem reasonable and I sometimes think he is pandering to her but tbh I'd feel stuck and pay too as it's not the child's fault at all

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:33

@SheilaFentiman For me, not really no :(

Can someone hit me over the head and assure me that things don't get better and that I should not hold on for potential that it could?

I sometimes go through a what if list and think positive, but worry I am being very naive.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/12/2023 08:33

Wider family - it would depend on what boundaries I could have with them, and his relationship with them. DP's parents are not especially nice or welcoming people, but as he's LC with them it doesn't affect me. Your case is more serious as it involves racism, which you shouldn't have to put up with at all. I'm mixed-race, and I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who didn't call out racism whenever he heard it, even from his family. That's non-negotiable for me. Anyone who accepts racism around them is not someone I want as a partner. And I wouldn't want to have any contact with his family at all.

However if you don't like his kids I don't think the relationship can work at all. You can expect and enact boundaries with awful siblings and parents but not so much with his kids.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/12/2023 08:38

What would I say? To end this in a compassionate way? and what would I say if he asked why?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 08:42

It’s a 4 year relationship: if by compassionate you mean a way that won’t hurt him, there isn’t one. Pain is part of love, in that sense.

”having thought long and hard about what I want from life, and given your family situation, I don’t see a time when we would be able to move in together and really progress our relationship, so I think we need to part, I’m so sorry”

Something like that?

Chateau13 · 20/12/2023 08:42

Sorry but I’d walk away as there’s so many complications to your relationship.

stayathomer · 20/12/2023 09:34

I always think of someone even asks the question it’s a huge thing- I’m assuming me and dh are it forever, and that’s brilliant. I think if you ask it you have to consider why. When you first mentioned the in laws I didn’t think it was a big enough deal but you know yourself- with the kids it’s a different matter unfortunately. But you’re in love. Sorry am no help op, hope you all figure it out x

HappFridays · 20/12/2023 11:25

Years ago I embarked on a new relationship with a man I got to know in the village where I lived. He was lovely but his daughter was unbearable. Very possessive over her father - wanted all of the attention when we were together and would say my clothes were horrible, my hair, nails face were 'ugly' Although we were both adults and this was clearly a child that felt threatened by me even though I did everything to include her I had to put an end to it

Freddyschase554 · 20/12/2023 11:58

My dh’s family were and are, very sadly, pathologically monstrous. His mother was a hideous bully. But we were able to survive that by judicious distancing, putting clear boundaries in place, especially with regard to our dc.

The part I don’t think is as easy to negotiate is a partner’s relationship with their children. I don’t have personal experience of this, but I just wouldn’t get involved. There’s no point. Of course your advice on this issue is not welcomed and sorry but it’s right your dp is putting his dc first, at least until the age of 25 or so!

Of course 19 and 15 year olds are going to be mean to their father! Even more so having been through a parental divorce. And of course they are going to be emotionally draining. It’s naive to think they wouldn’t be! They are adolescents! It’s normal and healthy that they are being oppositional! They have to withdraw, question, and challenge their parents and their values etc in order to become separate individuals.

Honestly, parenting teens can be extremely difficult and you just don’t know how hard it is until you have been through it. It’s very, very good he is such an involved father as they really need him at this age.

The adolescent difficulties will resolve themselves but I’d say you have a good ten more years to go before they do.

I think you are very wise to maintain a separate home. Your dp sounds like a good bloke but often love isn’t enough on its own to sustain a relationship. He sounds as though he is being pulled in all directions atm.

In a nutshell, most relationships have to go somewhere and grow. I think the future of this relationship depends on what you are happy to accept in the future.

Good luck. It sounds as if you are weighing up whether his obvious good points are enough to outweigh the crappy elements of the relationship. Personally I think it would be worse to be with a man who didn’t fight for his dc but with the fighting comes a lot of attendant hassle and financial constraints and frankly it’s not your battle.