Dp spoke bad of me to a client - am I in the wrong?

[Denisa92]

Last night dp sent me a text, yes a ‘text’, at 3:30am in the night telling me that in the morning he will help me take the dc to school and then we will go to buy our Christmas shopping (as he drives it’s easier). He works every day but he had the morning off, not sure why he couldn’t have communicated his plans verbally with me though or woke me to tell me. My phone is on silent when I sleep and does not notify me, I woke in the morning and did my usual routine (I do everything with the dc by myself) and I did not see his text. At 8am he wakes up and goes mad at me, I explained I hadn’t seen his text and then he gets very annoyed at my morning routine…

it was a late night the night before, dc had after school activity clubs and we didn’t get home until 7:30pm. This morning I woke, got myself ready and then I will make dc breakfast and get them dressed and would usually then walk to school. They are very quick and I never have an issue with this routine, yes I could wake earlier but they are always in school on time. I woke them up 40 mins before they were due in school and dp was very annoyed about this. Considering he has never ONCE gotten our dc dressed/sorted/ready for school or for ANYTHING in all of their life, and considering I do this by myself every single day, it annoyed me how rude he was. He told me how disorganised I am, I’m basically lazy and was absolutely disgusted in the fact I gave the dc milk and cereal for breakfast…. I usually make nutritious breakfasts but they like cereal some mornings but dp was appalled at this.

he spent the majority of the day repeating how disorganised and lazy I am. After we returned home from shopping I immediately tidied away, washed all his dishes, did some jobs of his he told me to do and when I finally had 1 hour left before school pick up, I needed to study for a course I am taking but he lied in bed and told me to iron his work uniform and hang his wet washing up while he napped…. I then had to rush to pick dc up from school and take them to their after school sports clubs. We returned home at 7:30pm and after feeding/sorting them and putting them to bed I then batch cooked 12 containers of meals for dp (I do this every 2 days on top of cooking every day for him), did more tidying and then he returned home at 10pm from work.

he proceeded to go over this mornings issue and tell me again how disorganised I am etc and told me that he even told his clients what I did and they said ‘what the f*ck’… this has triggered me very bad! Being a mother is a job I take very seriously and to have people criticise or talk bad about me has really upset me, because apparently I have done something terrible by waking the dc up in ‘just enough’ time and feeding them cereal for breakfast…

I am very angry that dp has spoken badly of me to a client and especially discussed my role as a mother with them and portrayed me in a negative light. I have never done that to him. I asked him ‘well I hope you also told your clients that you have never gotten your children dressed or ready once in their entire life, and I hope you also told them that you don’t raise your own kids’. He then got annoyed at me and told me I am ‘pushing buttons’.

a few minutes later he told me that he didn’t really tell his clients anything but that my reaction clearly means I am disappointed with myself? Now my question…. Am I in the wrong?? Could I be better prepared at times - yes! But life with kids is hard and not everything is smooth. I look after the dc alone every day since they have been born, I have only ever had 1 night away from them, I never have anyone babysit, I take them to activity clubs 4 weekdays a week and on Saturdays and Sunday mornings too. I do all the homework, school activities, housework, cooking and get no help. The little time I do get for myself, to study or work, is always filled doing something for dp and then he critiques and tells me I’m disorganised!

You do jobs he tells you to do.
You seem to do a lot of cleaning, cooking and tidying for him. Yet he’s supposed to be your partner, not your employer.
He belittles you, nags you, seems to complain constantly. What does he bring to this relationship, if anything?

I wouldn't care about the client as much as I would his total disrespect to your face.

Youi've put yourself in a very vulnerable place having children and giving up work without marriage.

He sees you as a menial employee. A walking domestic appliance. Is there anything good about being married to him?

I am increasingly depressed by the way men treat their female partners, especially when they are the mothers of their children.

You need to re-establish yourself as a human being, and get rid of the condescending twat if he can't respect and value you.

Wtf. You make all the meals, AND batch cook for him AND hang out his washing and do his ironing?

What the actual fuck does he do?
He still has a responsibility even if he has a job!

He can batch cook his own shit, iron his own shit and dry his own shit too.

You're his skivvy. As pp said, you're in a very vulnerable position here. Who owns the house? Do you work at all or just study for now? This has to stop.

It’s hard to believe this is real as you must know, @Denisa92, that this is not the way happy families work.

There would be no place for the word ‘told’ if you and your partner had a decent relationship.

And the picture you paint of your single handed parenting of your child(ren) is just appalling. But you seem so accepting of this status quo. Why?

You know he gaslights, abuses and belittles you? It’s no way to live.

This sounds like a man who uses you as a domestic appliance, does not lift a finger to help raise his DC, then gaslights you into believing you are a terrible mother, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

What is the actual point of him?

You are in an abusive relationship. LTB. I’m not even joking. He sounds awful.

Have I read this correctly... you don't drive but do two school runs a day and take the kids to activities 6 days a week? And he has the audacity to say you're disorganised?

That's aside from you being his servant while he side steps parenting. He sounds fucking awful.

I can’t work out why you’re doing all that stuff for him. He sounds like a dickhead. I don’t believe he told his clients anything, but you can tell him you told Mumsnet what he did and I called him a dickhead. Stop cooking his food and ironing his stuff.

What? Why are you putting up with this? All I can see is negatives, free yourself of him and go live life fully with your DCs.

I needed to study for a course I am taking but he lied in bed and told me to iron his work uniform and hang his wet washing up while he napped….

Did you say "yes master", when he TOLD you do these things? Are you his slave? Is he abusive? If not why didn't you just tell him to go fuck himself? Does he pay you to be his skivvy? Jesus christ, grow a backbone, tell him to fuck off and start with respecting yourself!

I am very sad that you clearly do not see how abusive this man is. He sees you as the skivvy. It's fucking awful.

Wasting days of your life with a man whos set himself up as your manager. How do you even stand that level of carping? I'd have hit the eject button long ago. & I'm not someone who likes to suggest LTB. Often there are ways to sort issues out in a relationship.

Not in your relationship unfortunately, as your man is contemptuous of you. I mean if you can live with contempt like that for years on end then ok, however I should think you'll end up with your emotional health shot to pieces which will then lead to physical symptoms. I don't think you'll get much care from him. He doesn't even respect you.

He probably did tell his clients about you. That hasn't come from nowhere. If you aim to leave him he'll likely be sweetness and light to keep you so that you continue to do stuff for him. It won't last though.

Nope, that just wouldn't happen in my house.
We are a partnership, we work together to get things done.
If my dh 'told' me to do a job, rather than asked, he'd get a swift "fuck off and when you get there, fuck off a little bit more".

Think better of yourself and more importantly, expect better too.
He sounds awful!

There are also little things that bother me too, for example:
as I was washing the dishes today, he was eating then I was about to finish and he just ‘dumps’ another dish right next to me for me to wash and says nothing.
then I open my computer to study, his printer was not working properly and he couldn’t be bothered to fix it so he simply said ‘sort it out.’ As he walked past me ( I’m just expected to jump to his commands)
When I told him I’m paying for a course I don’t actually get time to study as he gives me so many jobs he replied by telling me I’m just disorganised and lazy.
he also told me I have nothing going for me, that I have had everything done for me and then had children so had years out of work not doing anything and now I’m dumb…

Oh… and after all these insults and rudeness, when I finally answered back and said ‘fuck off’ he told me I am ‘rude’ and I’m ‘very mouthy’ and basically blamed me as the cause of the problems

You can't spend your life being abused by this arsehole. Is this the first time he's turned on you like this?

I suspect he is deliberately sabotaging your studying so you don’t become employable and aren’t available to be his human doormat/washing machine/cook/domestic dogsbody.

Please leave him and let him do his own bloody cooking and cleaning. You do all the childcare already. If anything you might get a break now and then if you live separately and at least you won’t be continually disrespected and belittled in your own home, and setting an example to your children that this is an acceptable way to be treated by a spouse.

I'm just glad I was a single mother and didn't have some time and motion expert critiquing my use of time.

It sounds like you have been worn down by this man because there is nothing acceptable about how he treats you.

You don't have to answer this but can you actually have sex with him?

Have you considered divorce? Do you own your house - even if you are not on the deeds you can ask him to leave - see a divorce solicitor - you can usually stay in the family home after divorce until youngest DC is 18. You would also get CM and probably about 1/2 his pension.

My answer the next time he dares to criticise or issue a command would be "fuck off".
He can't be that annoyed at your morning routine as this is the first time he's had anything to say about it and clearly was happy for you to do it all before now. If he's that bothered then he can put his money where his mouth is. His turn, ongoing. Add to that the life admin. How many of your kids daily needs does he meet?
Sounds like this lazy cunt has turned on a coin and you're the target. I wonder why now?
Your routine was just fine before this unsolicited advice from an inexperienced knobhead. You'd do perfectly carrying that on as a single parent. He'd run for the hills rather than try to "better" you in that situation.
Don’t you dare let him command you or put you down ever again. Stand up for yourself. He probably won't allow you to list his inadequacies and try to take them on board.
Just tell him to leave. What a pathetic self serving, egotistical cunt he is.
He has crossed a line. Make that clear.

Op I'm sorry your life is such a shit show but you are not the only victim here

If you have sons they will be abusers. If you have daughters they will be abused. It's really that simple.

Please do something.

Get put now. You are heading for liw self esteem and a shit tonne of mental.heLth problems.

Your DP is a class 1 arsehole and you deserve better.