Family threatens to disown over partner

[meesh0]

not sure where to begin. My parents come from a traditional Asian background and have found out that I'm going to move in with my boyfriend who's white. They are absolutely furious when they found out.
Dad and brothers have said I should never return to the family home because they were all planning on arranging a marriage for me abroad after I done my studies and got a stable job.
My mum is quiet and I think she just wants the whole thing to go away.
I've been living away from home for 3 years since I graduated and found a job in London. It was very liberating being here finally on my own and my bf and hope to be husband soon I met him through work and he's absolutely lovely. He just swept me off my feet and we've even discussed marriage..
His parents "seem" ok I will be visiting them hopefully in Scotland over the Xmas period.
But now my parents have even got my uncles and other relatives involved.
One of my aunt who I've never spoken to in years calls me and says "how I shouldn't put my father under stress due to his heart condition". But I can't bear this pressure. I still want to visit my family and be part of my community. Not just get cut off like this!
I'm so confused

Is there any compromise to be made here? A token gesture that may placate your family, make them feel it’s more acceptable? Would an engagement do it? Do you have any allies in the family?

It must be awful for you, to feel your loyalties are so divided. What does your partner think of it all?

Am not Asian but my sister was in a similar situation although they did t completely cut him off (I appreciate him being male may have helped and his mother was less fussed but she died early in their relationship). She's African partner was Asian male. They threatened him, they stopped business deals with him (which meant they struggled financially). My sister had even converted to his religion and dressed 100% according to her adopted faith and cooked 99% his food. It didnt matter. They ended up being married for 25 years until his death. Most of his family came around (some after 17 years) except one brother. But they had 25 good years. I would say follow love. Follow your heart. But be safe above all

I don't know the answer; can't even see a question there.

Your parents sound prejudiced against a white person. I think that's unreasonable.

They want to put you into an arranged marriage. I despise that process: it's not many steps removed from slavery.

It looks a bit like you're leaving your partner and returning to the fold, or estranging yourself from your family. I do not know which course of action will make you happier.

Can only wish you all the best.

Critical question: are you safe? You have to deal with that possibility first.

Personally I would say sorry to hear that family but this is my life and I love this man, hopefully over time your family will calm down and welcome or at least have basic respect for your partner.

An arranged marriage scares me so stay well clear of that

Oh and don’t answer that aunts call again

Surprising this school of thought exists even today, this kinda thing went out of fashion about 10 years ago 😂(fwiw I'm also asian)

My family are very open and lovely but since my divorce they have also suddenly got an aversion to the fact that I am dating a man who is white. Back in the day they'd have not cared.

I'm not entirely sure what the solution is but the fact remains that you are happy with this man and your idea of love and finding a life partner doesn't in any way involve an arrangement made by your parents.

I think the best solution is to stand firm and say you don't want to lose them, you cant see why you cant still be a part of the family and marry a man who makes you happy. Your caucasion boyfriend of a different culture hasn't given you an ultimatum regarding you family, why should they?

The aunt can fuck right off. All the stragglers come out to be a part of the gossip when stuff like this happens.

As PP said, would organising an engagement party help? Then it looks more traditional at least, and official?

Oh and of course, please tell us how safe you are in this situation. As I said, this isn't as common as it used to be so its very worrying that thier reaction is so extreme.

You don't owe anyone your life, and that includes your parents. Any culture that dictates who you should love and how you should live isn't one I'd be dedicating myself to. The choices your family members have made should have no bearing on how you choose to live.

Firstly, your family’s objection to your white boyfriend is neither unusual nor acceptable.

However ……… you are young if you’re 3 years post-graduation - 24?

First boyfriends who ‘sweep you off your feet’ aren’t always the ones you end up with (or should). How long have you been together? Don’t be in any hurry to move in together.

Enjoy your liberation in London, concentrate on your career, enjoy dating. Don’t rush into marriage or living together.

Give everybody time (including yourself) before you make life-changing decisions.

You are not doing anything wrong but be sure of your feelings as'being swept off your feet' in a way sunds worrying but only you know if it si all real or not

How long have you been together

If it a true relationship it is not your fault your family is racist

Both 26 and dated 2 years. He said he's willing to do anything like relocate even to my parents house or even convert. I just don't think it's fair on him just to "appease" my families opinion. We haven't said anything firm on a wedding because partly due to finances and our careers but my bf wants my family to accept our relationship. He said it's pains him too seeing them cut him off and my brother's and dad said horrible stuff to him.
Yes they all come out of the woodwork don't they. This aunt trying to guilt trip me "how your grandfather would be proud if you continued his family lineage", or how we hail from a "great family" (whatever thats supposed to mean). Listened to an hour monologue from her on concepts of "shame" "honour " and such and how i was a foolish child who needs to sort my head out.
It's great others have shared their experiences. Because I really don't want to marry someone the family chooses and my partner is the most loveliest guy ever.

Ignore them. Am asian. Give them time. Get on with your life.

Give them time and stay safe.
It is always wise to live apart from one's boyfriend until you are engaged.
I like having space for myself and friends and family and slowing down the moving in together.

Your family might be worried about long term committment.
The cultural issue is important. Could your boyfriend ask you for advice on learning and committing to somethings that you value about your culture?... (And vice versa, of course.)

It is your life so live it.

It's funny cause it's usually the other way round.
I don't think my white boyfriend's family really like me all that much and all the bs that they do whilst thinking they are being polite I basically don't want any contact with them not that we see them much.

Tbh good on you for standing up and showing what you want, I also did this and my whole community shunned me so moved away. I got all the I be to blame for this that and the other but I decided I had to live my life how I wanted and not thru there wants..I met my gorgeous hubby have 4 wonderful kids, great family in his side and a brand new circle of friends etc etc. wouldn't change it

I think at 26 you're too young to be thinking of marrying anyway. I would tell my family that an arranged marriage was completely off the cards. Your boyfriend must be crazy if he's saying that he would go to live with your family - that would be disastrous. I think it shows that he doesn't really have an understanding of what your family is like. I also don't think he should convert. Why should he?

I would wait a few more years to see how well you two actually get on and then I would not live in the same area as your family.

Stay with your boyfriend. Ignore emotional blackmail from your family. Two years at 26 years old isn’t a whole lot of time so just relax and enjoy being together.

However recognise that you have now been given warning by your family that they expected to arrange your marriage and may already have been planning this.

Never go on holiday with your parents. You might end up coming back married.

Like the others have said OP, give it some time, do not jump into marriage after only 2 years of dating. Also, do not visit home if they're planning to arrange your marriage, they may never let you leave and may force you into something you never wanted.

Stay safe, stay smart and stay alert above all. I hope things work out for you, keep us posted.

Tell them not to be so bloody racist 😡

There are specialised support networks you can get help from around this, as it is a type of abuse from your family.

Contact these in the link below. They will point you to the right support network.

What you're going through is very common in your community.

It will probably surprise you that your family is being abusive. However, pressure to live as they want you to is abuse.

These support networks can be a supportive ear. They are people who are trained and have lived experience in this.

I'm a survivor of an emotionally abusive childhood recreated in adulthood before I finally broke free and fled with my children many years ago.

I rebuilt a good, happy life and happily remarried. I support women now, hence how I know about the specialised support. Good luck in all you do. You aren't going to change your family. Only you can change how you deal with this.

www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/services/are-you-a-woman-being-abused

@meesh0

Sorry you are experiencing this and can understand first hand what it's like to experince estrangement from family member,

I think 🤔 you seriously need to get support and advice from charties specifically help women and girls in your predicament kind of situation you are in,
explore online Internet various different charties and organisations so you don't feel alone so much and isolated,

also look for as much support in various ways as possible from as many different sources online and elsewhere,

There is help and support out there but you need to a bit of research,
Cause obviously you have found yourself in is all too common

does your gut feelings your intuition tell you that you could be in possible danger of some sort ?

You do know the UK law is very much on your side in your Kind of situation too

enforced arranged marriage is definitely illegal here in the UK

only get engaged if you want too not to appease potential family blood related emotionally blackmail coercive oppressors

Also it's being emotional manipulative and coercive to use your father's health disorder as a emotional leverage tobring you to heel to their wishes of what they feel is right for you,

What is your family's issue with your partner is it cause you want to live together before intending yo get marriage and they percieve this as being sinful and against their culture's societal and families values or is it cause he is white so they are prejudiced about this?

Or
Is it a mixture of both these factors ?

Are they usaully emotionally manipulative and coercive or and Narastistic or other personalities disorders issues they display sometimes or often?

what is the crux of their issues with your partner then?

Are they usaully reasonable people ?

as i am wondering if it's possible to meet them outside, your parents in a neutral place such as cafe or restaurant or a library or community hub ect?
whereas their as lots of people potential witness around so less likely to misbehaving on their part but on the other hand if they are emotionally abusive you have witness there too, eating their food,

Typo omission situation *

@meesh0

Also don't rush into things like getting engaged just because of the situation you are in,
you are young enjoy your new found freedom

a first boyfriend is not allways "the one" right one to make s commitment to settle down for ever

why the rush to do things so quick ect

@meesh0
Just wondering meeting at neutral place such as cafe or restaurant ect both of you together would be easier to start off with,
to continue like that if its possible ?
along as they reasonable,

tricky situation this is....