Family threatens to disown over partner

[meesh0]

not sure where to begin. My parents come from a traditional Asian background and have found out that I'm going to move in with my boyfriend who's white. They are absolutely furious when they found out.
Dad and brothers have said I should never return to the family home because they were all planning on arranging a marriage for me abroad after I done my studies and got a stable job.
My mum is quiet and I think she just wants the whole thing to go away.
I've been living away from home for 3 years since I graduated and found a job in London. It was very liberating being here finally on my own and my bf and hope to be husband soon I met him through work and he's absolutely lovely. He just swept me off my feet and we've even discussed marriage..
His parents "seem" ok I will be visiting them hopefully in Scotland over the Xmas period.
But now my parents have even got my uncles and other relatives involved.
One of my aunt who I've never spoken to in years calls me and says "how I shouldn't put my father under stress due to his heart condition". But I can't bear this pressure. I still want to visit my family and be part of my community. Not just get cut off like this!
I'm so confused

Stay strong. Don't give up your life to bend to your families wishes. You must do what is right for you. Do not listen to them when they try to tell you to feel shame. If you do you'll end up living your life in misery just to be accepted by them. You sound like you are doing well for yourself at the moment.
Stay on your own path. Hopefully they will eventually come round. But if they don't that is their loss.

The emotional manipulation is common and nasty. It's abusive and controlling to only be nice if you do as they wish and to shun you if you don't. I might be blocking or muting aunty for a while. You are an adult and have been together two years, if you want to move in with him do so. Your relationship could break down as could any. If your family continue like this it may be an added strain for both of you.

My husband is from a traditional Asian family who wanted to arrange a marriage for him and didn't want him to marry me. I'm a different religion and culture but same colour though that comes from being mixed in my case. I know it will have been easier that he's male and that in appearance I can pass as the same. It took around two years for them to give their blessing which he really wanted to try and get. Fortunately he had some siblings and friends who were supportive. My in-laws did get grief from their community at home about 'letting' him do this. We got together at the same age you did and I've now been married 14 years and together 19.

As a pp said allies in the family and in your and their friendship groups will help as may an engagement party. You may find your parents come round as they will prefer to be seen to be happy and accepting of it than having a daughter who has gone against them.

Thanks everyone I'll try to answer a few before work. We aren't rushing the marriage bit but I do feel he's definitely Mr right for me. As mentioned we don't have plans yet.

But this guilt trip by the family and then threatening to cut me off is too much. My parents themselves took on huge responsibilities when they came here at a young age. Working in factories and manual work and this extended family network supported one another. My parents gave up everything to help us and I remember hearing how they never used to turn the heating on etc They looked after their own parents in our house and our aunts and cousins etc would stick together, were always around during key religious events and we supported one another. For me to be cut off from all of them will be difficult. Sorry if this all sounds like life from the 50s but that's how it was. 🤗
Right now my Christmas will most likely be in Scotland with my bfs family.

Are you really confused? Deep down you knew your family would disapprove and that’s why you kept quiet. Your family as much as you love them, have always been this way and university and your ‘escape’ to London, may have lulled you into thinking that they might have mellowed but clearly they haven’t.

As painful as it may be, the balls in your court. Either accept their intolerance and their belief that you have no agency over your future or call their bluff.

Unfortunately, you wouldn’t be the first or last to lose their family in such circumstances.

This

So they sacrificed a lot and worked really hard to make sure you had choices in life.

Those choices meant you could go to uni and live a life.

They came to a white country and are surprised that you would meet and fall in love with a white man.

I would ask them why they bothered if they don't want you to actually make choices for yourself.

It's such a shame that these attitudes still exist.

They exist and sadly enough, the majority of Asians living in the UK still have their minds in the the 60's and 70's. People in their respective home countries have evolved and in fact westernised a lot, however, Asians here seem to be stuck with a medieval mindset. They still carry out honour killings, which basically means killing the daughter who has gone against the family's wishes in order to protect the family's honour. It is ridiculous, I'm Asian myself and have seen such people around me. Men dominating women, patriarchal mindsets, women expecting to be subservient and submissive, women staying in the kitchen whilst men sit around and enjoy, it's a terrible thought process that needs changing.

I would say OP just focus on your career, see how the relationship pans out and take it from there. Good luck!

@meesh0 You may get more specific advice from the south Asian board as an aside.
I'm not Asian but I have a few really good friends who are and I'd say quite a good number of them have ended up marrying within the community. Not arranged marriages per se but definitely there was a strong expectation that they'd marry other Asians rather than outside the community.
Your parents have probably planned this all out for you and imagined your future and maybe talked with relatives about it and suddenly (for them) you've said no to all this. It's a shock to them. They are (over) reacting to the fact that they've worked hard all their lives to create this imagined future for you but it's not the future you actually want.
So assuming you don't want to go NC and assuming this isn't some kind of toxic situation I'd say just give it time. They need to have time to adjust.
You probably need a few lines for the aunties who are calling "thank you auntie for your concern but I'll speak to my parents about it myself" or something to shut down the conversations.
If you can get to the root of their concern then that may help. Try to find out what they are really worried about - they may have some misconceptions or something that are fueling this reaction. If you can persuade them to meet your bf then that may help too so they can see he's a nice guy.

Your family is manipulating you to get their way.
You are a grown up woman who seems to be very well headed. Now is your white boyfriend, they want to arrange you a wedding, what is going to be next. Are you going to knee every time? And when they passed away long in the future? Are you going to blame them? Are you going to resent them?

You got the key to break those "traditions" chains, do what you want to do for your life. They got their you got yours.

Be very careful op. I have seen so many honour killings (one in the paper yesterday).

100% this why come here and work so hard to then have you enter an arranged marriage? They wanted to give you freedom and opportunities and are now not happy with what you have chosen I’d be having a grown up chat with them as sounds like there is more involved here

meesh0 I can understand why you don't want to be cut off from a family that has supported each other and is tight knit. However pp are right in that the freedoms you have are what your parents should have, been prepared for, bringing you up in this country. keffie12 has given you a link to an understanding charity which seems like a sensible route to follow.
I am bemused at pp suggesting after two years of dating you are rushing into thinking about marriage. determinedtomakethiswork how on earth is 26 too young to be thinking about marriage? She's not a child but a woman, who has left home, been to university, has a career and been dating for two years.

Do you feel that you/your partner are in any danger?
Involving wider family is ringing alarm bells with me.

Thought I'd get a few responses in during my lunchtime break
Yeah you know precisely what I'm talking about. Gosh not only that but superstition and other nonsense. Forget the 1950s more like 1350s! Yes the patriarchal thing. Especially around festivals sitting on the sofas chatting away as women were doing all the cooking, serving and washing up.
I will try to resist their pressures. But last thing I want is being married to someone from the pind who I've nothing in common with. Also my puha-ji telling I've become a "westernised woman". I just let her ramble on.

Hello, no they've not made threats like such that pose a risk to us physically. Just my brother's and dad got a bit loud with him and threw in some really gross stereotypes and racism. I've never felt this ashamed of them. Bf he just stayed silent and ignored them.

I know a couple like you but opposite gender and cultural/religious heritage, with the man's family not being accepting of the woman he was with. She's the loveliest person and yet really awful things were said by the man's family about her, purely because her background was not the same as his.
They did what it going to write next, and eventually she was accepted by his family without adopting their way of life.

They created some distance and waited a little while for everyone to calm down a bit, then invite his family over so they can meet him. Maybe teach him some polite phrases to help break the tension a bit, and try to remain friendly towards your relatives if you really want them to stick with you, but stay politely firm about what you choose to do with your relationship with your boyfriend.

Real love is hard to find ❤️ I hope things go well for you.

Thanks 🙏 yes as I've mentioned a few times to others it's not like we are running away and tieing the knot somewhere in secret.

No we've discussed marriage and if we go ahead it'll still be when we are more stable in our lives. Hopefully 2-3 years from now or possibly even more way the economy is going! So marriage isn't the rush. Issue is the attitudes of the family. Because before getting married you should at least meet and know the person before committing 40 years of your life with them. That's how it's done in the west.
It might be me worth explaining the world my parents come. Boys and girls don't mix before marriage. My parents for instance only met each other on their wedding night. My mom said she only saw a photo of dad before the wedding. But that was it and it wasn't like she had a choice either.
Yeah that's what I'm up against.

There is a big difference between loving your children and trying to manipulate them by abuse and threats.
If you wanted an arranged marriage that’s your choice. But to use threats and emotional violence because they think as a woman you are theirs to control is horrible.
Your boyfriend sounds lovely unlike your family.
take care

Sorry I read this a moment after I posted. Yes maybe for the time being just create some distance between yourself and your relatives until things calm down. Really sorry this must be so stressful for you

I agree and I feel part of it is a clash of cultures for sure. My parents and even some other immigrants who've been here for 50 years plus like my aunt's, uncles etc still think they are living in their Asian village. They even have elders who they consult for advice on life matters. Without sounding too much like Suella Braverman they've not immersed themselves in this countries culture like I did or the opportunities that I had. A chance to attend university and meeting people on my own accord. Or learn and accept British culture and it's value systems.

Yes arranged marriages are done all across Asia and large parts of Africa and the middle east. I think people have for tens and thousands of years just accepted it.
But living in this country it comes across as something horrific although it was widely done among the royalty.

I just hope this madness between my family doesn't drive him away. Imagine if we have a wedding at some stage in the future and none of my family members attend.
It would be a complete disaster.
He's absolutely lovely, really takes care of me and has helped out loads since I've been here . He's willing to do practically anything to appease them. But I've said to him not to as it's not fair on him.
Gosh this is complicated 😔

Unfortunately it's everything. I'll be brutally honest. It's worth me explaining the world where they come from.
You grow up, learn a trade and the elders pick your partner (who you only see in person at your wedding). They must be from your caste, language and religion. Anyone deviating from this is like you've committed the crime of the century. So me seeking a guy on my own, moving in with him who's completely different from them is absolutely alien .
That's why they are so upset. Also "what the community thinks" is also very important to them..yes must be mindful of that too according to their beliefs.
Just hope this shit doesn't drive him away from me as he's been absolutely wonderful to me and wouldn't be able to bear it.

OP, you sound lovely. You come across as a progressive modern woman who is kind, affectionate, caring and thoughtful about everyone. I understand where you're coming from and how hard it must be for you. I have extremely orthodox in-laws as well, and I feel by marrying into the wrong family, I've gone backwards in life.

I want you to take small steps, and lots of long breaths in between. We need to help you find a solution to your problem, let's face it, it's very difficult trying to change such rooted mindsets. I'm wondering if there's anyone at all, an elder cousin perhaps, someone who's well respected in the family and who you could confide in about your family. That person should be trustworthy and be able to slowly change your parent's thinking so that they learn to become more accepting of your boyfriend.

I'd also suggest your bf learn some Punjabi (a few words), a bit about the culture, anything that may help break the ice. At the same time request your parents to hear you out once, have an in-depth conversation about what you'd like to do in life, why you've chosen to marry your partner, cite some examples of successful interfaith marriages that have taken place, basically try to build their confidence so that they slowly become accepting and open to the idea of you two being together.

Are there any movies they could watch that depict similar love stories that end well? Bend it like Beckham perhaps? Open their mindset, this will take time, but promise you will never do anything that will bring shame to the family and marrying your bf is not shameful, many people get married outside their community and it's perfectly ok. Win them with kindness and love, if you can, I really do hope it works out.

I'm rooting for you OP, I pray things work out well for you and there's a happily ever after🙏

Thanks 😊 for your support. Bend it like Beckham lol I was very young when it came out. Might have to get it and watch it my parents.
But tbh their views are really ingrained. Yeah good idea about the Punjabi. I'm sure my bf knows all the swear words by now. Not sure if you're Asian but he says "salaa, kootaa, kameenay" lol it's hot when he pronounces it lol. Because this is what the guys in my family called him. 😢
But on a serious note small steps is a good idea.

It won't drive him away if you don't let it. At some stage, you may have to choose about living your life or living your family of origin, story.

Believe me, I know that one. I'm not from your background, though I get it. I was bought up in a professional middle-class family, which I've learnt in years of on/off therapy was "affluent abuse,"

I have lived the "Trueman Story" /Prince Harry's goldfish bowl only mine was in the private arena, and it is only when I turned 40, fled the ex, and started getting the help I needed I realised.

You can't live your parents' story for them. Please contact the link I gave earlier in the link for Asian women experiencing the problems you are, and get support

I wish you well