Older couple—boyfriend hides our dating

[Crankyaboutfood]

My boyfriend and I are an older couple and our relationship is long-distance. We are able to see each other for about 5 days every 4-6 weeks and talk every day in between.
we dated when we were much younger and broke up because of distance and timing. We both married other people and had families.
we reconnected after we were both divorced. He was married longer than I was (25 years). He moved out almost 3 years ago and his divorce has been final almost two. I did not have anything to do with the failure of his marriage.

his children and ex-wife don’t know he dates. He is afraid it will hurt/upset them. I was his last serious relationship before his wife and he said she always suspected he still had feelings for me. He has said he wants more time to pass. I get this mostly and am not eager to meet anyone and definitely don’t want to cause pain. But also, I am starting to have an issue with being a secret. I have met some of his friends, but nothing more.
Any thoughts?

There are lots of issues for you to consider beyond being a secret. One would be what your long term objectives for the relationship are? Given the distance, I assume you have thought about moving nearer to him (or he moves nearer you). When someone is a secret, it is totally justified to feel suspicious and a lack of priority in their life. It could be that he hides you in the hope that another offer comes his way as you cannot keep tabs on him 24/7. He may not wish to upset his family, but if you have been dating for a while then he should identify that the relationship is important enough to him to disclose to others. He needs to grow a spine if that is the case. He may find you a convenient girlfriend for his days off, but someone he can keep at a distance emotionally and physically. In your situation, I would confront him and explain your concerns. His reaction to you requesting that he goes public will tell you everything you need to know about the long tern future, or lack of. You could mention that you wanted to add information to, for example, social media. If he is really huffy about that, I would have a good think about the longevity of this arrangement. It is unfair to expect you to hide away forever.

You've already split up once due to distance and timing, looks like history is repeating. Suppose his wife was right, the current situation suggests that she was, given he's back with you. It's a bit like Charles and Camilla really - I don't think Di was too impressed either. That means it's understandable he'd be worried, but also, the distance means he can play it how he likes and you'd find it hard to to verify if it's all BS or not. LDR's, why bother from the start? It's just impossible to know if you are one of many.

How long have you been seeing each other this time around, op? If less than six months I would say that how he feels is understandable and he is just being cautious. However, it can't go on like that indefinitely so set a time limit and see how it goes.

Good luck.

We have been seeing each other quite a while—more than a year, but long distance.
I really don’t think he is seeing other people, but then again I didn’t think my husband was either!

if I knew what I wanted from this or any relationship this would be easier. I am in my 50: and he is 60s. Honestly, I would like a serious partner, but is it possible at this age? He has his family and I have mine. I have my job and it’s not easy to start over. He will retire soon, but I doubt he will move.

but we have such a nice time together. We travel well, are attracted to each other, we have great conversations, we talk everyday. I love it.
but since I feel like I was a total idiot in my marriage I don’t trust myself and find myself getting upset about this secret stuff. It makes me feel like shit and I don’t know if It is because this is some huge red flag I am ignoring or if I should just enjoy what I have and deal.

Tell him that being a secret is making you feel shit. What he does will tell you all you need to know.

To be honest @Crankyaboutfood your relationship sounds perfect to me!

You have someone you travel well with, you’re attracted to and who is enjoyable, BUT you don’t have to deal with all the annoying things that come with living together. You still have your own space and time for your family.

I’d enjoy this relationship as is, unless you’re someone who wants to live with a man again?

(I’ve been married for a long time to a good man, but won’t be replacing my DH if anything happens to him!)

what age are the children?

This is exactly what my friends say. He and I have a past (knew each other’s parents for example), and a comfort and ease that is hard to come by.
but I don’t think he ever wants to marry, live together, or move. But he does want to spend time together traveling, to talk every day, etc. it seems like everything but not enough and being a secret just makes me feel like shit. His kids Rand from mid 20a to late teens ( college), but mostly it’s his ex-wife he doesn’t want to hurt. Part of me admires the respect he has for the mother of his children. But part of me feels profoundly insignificant and maybe stupid. There is no tangible impact to the way things are, but I can’t figure out why I feel so shitty or whether or not I am reasonable for these feelings. And I feel too old for all this.

Are you certain he’s truly split from his wife?

@Crankyaboutfood you’re absolutely entitled to your feelings. While it’s maybe nice that he’s considering his ex wife, she is (hopefully!) his ex and you are his present. If being a secret makes you feel bad, then that needs to change. Your feelings count and 3 years is long enough for him to be able to move onto a new relationship. I hope it works out how you would like it to.

Thanks all. Just voicing this feels good and I appreciate any and all feedback.
yes. I know he is split. I have been to his apartment, I have met a few friends, etc.
I guess I just have to figure out if what he has to offer is enough. Ugh.

If he hurts his wife he also hurts his children so it is complex.
Are you certain he is still not with his wife?
Do you ever go to his place or his town?
Are you sure you want to be public? Secret sounds great until you want to be announcing a serious relationship.

I think this is good advice. He will need to grow a backbone at some stage. It’s great that he respects his ex and doesn’t want to hurt his kids by association. However, if you’re serious about one another, you can’t keep this secret forever.

Can he give you a timeline? When does he plan to tell everyone?

If he never wants to move closer (and neither do you?), are you happy to be long distance indefinitely?

I don’t know what is ok with me long term. I love him and our relationship feels special. A second go round with him has been such an in expected gift, but I do want more. There is something grim and depressing about feeling like you get older and there is impossibility of building a life together because all the family building was done with someone else. I get it and it’s pragmatic, but it feels lousy. Also, pushing things feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face. My relationship is good and I am not in my 20s. He has said after the holidays might be okay, but since we have no plans for anything serious in the future I guess he feels like he can just keep things separate. I guess the bottom line is that it hurts. I just did not know if I had lost my mind and everyone else with some dignity would run.

I think there are two separate issues here - him telling his family, and your sentence "we have no plans for anything serious in the future".

I think you need to explore the latter first. Why? Just because you've both had families with someone else first doesn't mean you can't have a serious relationship. My grandma met the love of her life when she was in her 50s! Is this coming from him, or from both of you? I'm not saying you need to rush into anything, but after a year together it's reasonable to start asking questions about how you both see the future together.

Then when you've given some thought about what you both want, you can address the issue of telling people. Perhaps it's not worth it if this is a casual thing (and you're happy with that) and it would cause a lot of upset with his kids and ex-wife. But if this may turn into something more serious, then the first step towards that is to bring things out in the open at some point in the next few months.

Do you know why he and his ex-wife separated? Who initiated it ? Isn't possible he is hoping for them to get back together ? Interesting that you say his wife had expressed feeling that he still has feelings for you during their marriage . Could he be hoping to keep his options open ?

Has his ex wife moved on with someone else?

Does his ex wife date or have a new partner ?

Perhaps you should date some other people at the same time locally ?

Do you wish to live together in the future or continue living separately ?

This is spot on and I guess I am a coward here.

their divorce was mutual and easy. He never speaks I’ll of her, but I think they were deeply incompatible. They lived pretty separate lives and a lot of their conflict was around parenting. When they separated his only at home child came to live with him full time and all the children have strained relationships with their mother.

my children just started college, he has one still at home. There is a lot of transition and he was married a long time—well over twenty years. I know he doesn’t want to keep that option open, but he absolutely doesn’t want to hurt his ex-wife. My ex-husband cheated, got someone pregnant while we were married, doesn’t see our children, and fights me at every turn. So all this plays into my feelings of worthlessness in a way I feel like I need to deal with. It is good he respects his family, part of me feels.

another issue is that he is very comfortable financially. I am ok, but I am almost a decade younger and absolutely must work for myself and because I am my childrens only family/support. Itnis hard to imagine a future because people at our stage don’t really merge, they protect. Itnis all so depressing and weird. The relationship is so lovely when we are together and yet all these things weigh on me and I don’t want to make a mistake because of my insecurities.

I suppose you need to think about the very real possibility that these aspects which hurt you may never change and he is - unlike you - perfectly content with how things are right now. Could you tolerate the relationship exactly as it is for the rest of your life?

If not you need to talk to him and be real about how you feel. Without ultimatums but with honesty. Your feelings matter.

You are making do and settling. You have said it yourself, just not in so many words. He is not giving you the relationship that you actually want. But you fear that given your age, you will never actually get what you want.

If you stay with him, it looks unlikely he will change to give you the relationship you want. By staying with him, you are also preventing yourself from finding what you do ideally want with someone else. Self fulfilling prophecy and all that.

You need to decide for yourself if you are willing to make do for a relationship that isn't exactly what you want forever. Is subpar better than alone?

"people at our stage don’t really merge, they protect" - this may be true financially. But it needn't be true emotionally. You can be a "proper" couple in terms of your love and support and commitment to each other, even if your finances stay separate.

When finances are very different I think that is harder, but in the main I agree.

eveeyine has listened really well and really helped me. I have a lot of thinking to do. We have a week together planned after Christmas and I will try to talk some of this through. Ultimately I think it may be an issue of settling—is what he has to offer enough? I want to say yes, but the fact that I feel so horrible means that maybe it really isn’t ok. It makes me so so sad.