Page 2 | Older couple—boyfriend hides our dating

Crankyaboutfood · 2023-12-19T21:22:22+00:00

My boyfriend and I are an older couple and our relationship is long-distance. We are able to see each other for about 5 days every 4-6 weeks and talk every day in between. we dated when we were much younger and broke up because of distance and timing. We both married other people and had families. we reconnected after we were both divorced. He was married longer than I was (25 years). He moved out almost 3 years ago and his divorce has been final almost two. I did not have anything to do with the failure of his marriage. his children and ex-wife don’t know he dates. He is afraid it will hurt/upset them. I was his last serious relationship before his wife and he said she always suspected he still had feelings for me. He has said he wants more time to pass. I get this mostly and am not eager to meet anyone and definitely don’t want to cause pain. But also, I am starting to have an issue with being a secret. I have met some of his friends, but nothing more. Any thoughts?

Kirstyshine · 20/12/2023 14:01

It may be worth seeing a therapist first, to unpick what exactly it is that is making you feel worthless, and how much of that belongs to this situation/how much is reinvigorated pain that really belongs elsewhere/in the past.

LadyLapsang · 20/12/2023 14:21

Maybe have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

HamBone · 20/12/2023 14:28

If it’s upsetting you, I would definitely tell him how you feel.

I also understand that some families don’t react well when they discover that their parent/ex is dating again. I was delighted when my Dad got together with my SM a few years after my Mum passed away-I was happy to see him happy, IYSWIM.

But, a friend of mine is having the opposite reaction from her adult son. His Dad suffered a stroke and died three years ago. She’s just started seeing an old friend and her son is livid-he doesn’t seem to appreciate that his Mum might crave companionship, she’s only 60 and why should she be alone forever?

Anyway, you need to discuss this. Yes, his family and his ex might be shocked ( and in her case, hurt) at first, but their marriage is over. He’s entitled to move on.

WitcheryDivine · 20/12/2023 15:07

I'm sure this would suit some people but I am totally averse to anything shady feeling and quite honestly being someone's "secret" feels inherently shady. I wonder if you're the same OP? In your position I'd be saying that it had gone on long enough and that you feel uncomfortable being a secret and want to continue the relationship but only if things are out in the open. Like you say you've known each other decades, you knew each others parents etc - you are equals. This dynamic to me feels like he is superior to you and you are more like a mistress than a girlfriend/partner.

HerMammy · 20/12/2023 15:37

Tbh my first thought was that he still is in a relationship with the wife. Every 5/6 weeks is a very limited relationship, how far apart are you?

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 20/12/2023 20:10

I think that when you have your chat - that your partner needs to really analyse his feelings around his ex-wife. You say they were incompatible, and argued over parenting - yet they were together for 20 years and he is still expressing his feeling that she will be hurt to hear he has moved on. It sounds like things are more complex than it first appears .

80s · 20/12/2023 20:24

his children and ex-wife don’t know he dates. He is afraid it will hurt/upset them
Could you gently point out that he needs to think about what might hurt and upset you, too?

category12 · 20/12/2023 20:40

If his ex-wife suspected he still had feelings for you throughout their marriage (poor woman), there isn't any length of time between you apparently getting together that will be enough for her not to conclude it was true and potentially that you were instrumental in the failure of the marriage.

It could be 10 years from now, and she'd still think it. Because for 25 years she's had you hanging over her. (It's not your fault if you weren't seeing him in that time, it's his).

So I think his reasoning is bullshit and maybe he's triangulating you. Maybe he liked having her insecure because of his lost love for you, and now maybe he likes having you insecure because you're a secret.

Original poster

Crankyaboutfood · 21/12/2023 14:26

I am reading Mr. Unavailable and have been thinking a lot based on the feedback here. Thank you to everyone. To be fair, he calls every day, texts throughout the day, makes sure our time together is scheduled so we see each other every month, etc. the biggest insight from the book so far is how available am I? I don’t feel like I can move, change jobs, etc etc. I also make assumptions that might be correct about his state of mind. If I were married for 20 years I would need some time to settle before a serious relation. I was married for 16 years, but was divorced and single for a while before this relationship. My family had time to heal. He doesn’t have to be game-playing for the net effect to be the same though. I feel like I have a lot to think about and I have not expressed my wants because I am afraid that if I do and he says no then our relationship ends, and honestly being with a smart, attractive man who like to travel, is fun to be with, likes to kiss, etc etc is just such a treat. I love him and want more not less. Ugh.

OP posts:

RockingBeebo · 21/12/2023 16:41

I am reading with interest because my situation has some similarities. Started a relationship out of the blue two years ago, we were both 1-2 years out of very long relationships, both around 50 years old. I have a child at home.

Long distance and no plans to change - we spend maybe 3 nights every 3 weeks together, sometimes a bit less. I'm not a secret - when we got together he told the world - but we have had some issues and periods of separation and I think we both keep our relationship on the down-low to others now, waiting to see if it will go the distance first.

We absolutely love our time together. We are both having the best sex of our lives (and I've had a lot of good sex in my life). I do not want to live with anyone again, until my son leaves home at least and he's only 11. I want to keep our lives mainly separate. My partner is so busy with social things and other commitments that he wouldn't want to merge lives either - not now anyway. I know he's faithful. It works for now, and I have some hope for the future - but I live very much in the present. Sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but realistically it's all I am able to do at the moment - and internet dating is horrific at this age, I did try during our times of separation.

I have read that after a long and difficult relationship breakdown people often choose others who are emotionally less available. I wonder if both my partner and I have done this. I will read Mr Unavailable - I see it mentioned by pp.

Fr33d0m4ever · 21/12/2023 20:02

I wonder what he would say if you said to him

I am not willing to meet with you again, unless you tell your family about me. So that everything is out in the open.

Would he walk away ?

It seems that he currently has too much control over the relationship & nothing spur of the moment

Catiopea · 21/12/2023 20:31

I disagree with Milk’s post that pits him telling his family Vs we have no plans for anything serious in the future and places more importance on the latter.

imo you feel bad bc he is keeping you like a dirty little secret - and it may be leaving you unconsciously wondering what else he might be keeping secret - much like your xH

So I would go with Kirsty’s suggestion

Tell him that being a secret is making you feel shit. What he does will tell you all you need to know

You sound like you both enjoy the relationship content and the problem lies with the relationship status.

Therefore I’d say what Kirsty suggested, because the relationship out in the open with no dirty secrets to pollute it might work for you both, even without any long term plans.

At the minute though it’s really only working for him and that’s not fair at all, you aren’t his service human irrespective of all your shared history.

Original poster

Crankyaboutfood · 22/12/2023 13:53

RockingBeebo · 21/12/2023 16:41

I am reading with interest because my situation has some similarities. Started a relationship out of the blue two years ago, we were both 1-2 years out of very long relationships, both around 50 years old. I have a child at home.

Long distance and no plans to change - we spend maybe 3 nights every 3 weeks together, sometimes a bit less. I'm not a secret - when we got together he told the world - but we have had some issues and periods of separation and I think we both keep our relationship on the down-low to others now, waiting to see if it will go the distance first.

We absolutely love our time together. We are both having the best sex of our lives (and I've had a lot of good sex in my life). I do not want to live with anyone again, until my son leaves home at least and he's only 11. I want to keep our lives mainly separate. My partner is so busy with social things and other commitments that he wouldn't want to merge lives either - not now anyway. I know he's faithful. It works for now, and I have some hope for the future - but I live very much in the present. Sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but realistically it's all I am able to do at the moment - and internet dating is horrific at this age, I did try during our times of separation.

I have read that after a long and difficult relationship breakdown people often choose others who are emotionally less available. I wonder if both my partner and I have done this. I will read Mr Unavailable - I see it mentioned by pp.

Yes….everything is different at this age. Both of us have absolutely prioritized our children. Strangely, he and I both got 100% custody in our divorces. His children have a hard relationship with their mother and I think the whole disintegration of his family has been hard. Still, I have seen him change a lot and become more the man he was when we dated many many years ago.
everything feels so bittersweet and there is a terrible mix of not trusting my judgement, being afraid of being hurt, etc etc

I don’t need to meet his kids, I don’t need him to say he is dating me. I just don’t want to be a secret. It makes me feel like absolute shit and I am going to talk to him about that when I see him after Christmas. We are not doing anything wrong and it is affecting me a lot.

I really appreciate everyone who commented. It is great to have a place to think out loud.

OP posts:

cheeseandbranston · 23/12/2023 21:05

I used to put up with this. There were always Nobel reasons and I couldn't find it in me to mind too much.
But in truth it sets the whole tone of the relationship.
Now, I would just say 'I am totally into this as soon as you are ready to have a real relationship, but please don't call again if this is all you have to offer.'
He needs to be reminded that you matter.
Else you will be the one that's not allowed to matter for the entire relationship.

He'll have a long gap and then he'll either decide your feelings are worth prioritising. Or they are not.

You don't want to be with him unless he does. I promise.

Kirstyshine · 23/12/2023 21:10

cheeseandbranston · 23/12/2023 21:05

I used to put up with this. There were always Nobel reasons and I couldn't find it in me to mind too much.
But in truth it sets the whole tone of the relationship.
Now, I would just say 'I am totally into this as soon as you are ready to have a real relationship, but please don't call again if this is all you have to offer.'
He needs to be reminded that you matter.
Else you will be the one that's not allowed to matter for the entire relationship.

He'll have a long gap and then he'll either decide your feelings are worth prioritising. Or they are not.

You don't want to be with him unless he does. I promise.

This is so wise.