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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

And it was going so well...

48 replies

bumbleee · 19/12/2023 19:53

6 months in so early on, both mid 30's, no kids either side. No red flags at all, no love bombing just an easy natural bond. No trust issues or him hiding his phone. I'm very vigilant to behaviours from men I date due to previous cheating and abuse so I've really had my eyes wide open. I was single a while before hand and very happy and confident.

However.... last night I decided to have a nosy on who he follows on Instagram  never looked before as I'm not the jealous type and never have been. I have the mindset that if someone is up to no good, it will come out eventually. I was just bored and had a nosy. I see two pages he follows which are clearly only fans models or something (nothing against this line of work) and he has liked 2 pictures from 2-3 weeks ago. I'm put off and contemplating sacking the whole thing off. Am I overreacting? How do I approach him about this?! Or do I say nothing? I feel a man in his mid 30's doing this is immature. The women aren't young maybe 28-35. It's just really put me off him. I have no problems if someone watches porn ect (unsure if he does) but just liking a page or following them for people to visibly see is embarrassing and I feel repulsed. Unsure if this is enough to let a potentially good thing go  these woman don't follow him back either. Just feels so pathetic

Thanks!

OP posts:
crumpet · 19/12/2023 19:57

It would put me off wanting an intimate relationship with him

Greenishpurpleblue · 19/12/2023 19:59

Seems extreme to me. I scroll through things and like all the time barely giving a second thought to them. I wouldnt see it as an issue personally.

RaininSummer · 19/12/2023 20:03

I would find it sleazy and it would put me off a man.

Original poster
bumbleee · 19/12/2023 20:03

I think I just worry it's the sign of something bad. Maybe I'm turning it into something much worse but I've seen all the stories on here about husbands and parents going down the escort route and I'm wondering is this where it starts. One of the posts was video of a woman saying something a long the lines of 'I need a man for Christmas that will let me sit on his face)' dressed in lingerie Blush

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 19/12/2023 20:06

It means absolutely nothing, but if it's really a deal breaker for you then...

Falalalalaa · 19/12/2023 20:08

He’s basically telling other women he likes what he sees, publicly.

It’s not for me.

Appleass · 19/12/2023 20:08

This would also put me off a man, its creepy and sleazy.

robin43 · 19/12/2023 20:10

No, this wouldn't be for me!

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2023 20:13

Does it really matter if he treats you well and you're otherwise happy?!

Original poster
bumbleee · 19/12/2023 20:14

Falalalalaa · 19/12/2023 20:08

He’s basically telling other women he likes what he sees, publicly.

It’s not for me.

This is the main thing for me. That it is public for people to see. How do I bring it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
bumbleee · 19/12/2023 20:16

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2023 20:13

Does it really matter if he treats you well and you're otherwise happy?!

This is where I am torn. Other than this incident he is absolutely lovely

OP posts:
confused2b · 19/12/2023 20:17

You can't bring it up.

You can't bring it up without being told you're a crazy, stalker, over reacting, bunny boiler, "it's just a like", "it means nothing".

You'll be gaslit.

This kind of behaviour is deemed acceptable and normal for men.

Falalalalaa · 19/12/2023 20:18

Do not ignore your boundaries! It doesn’t matter if other people think it’s ok - you don’t.

Don’t dismiss them because everything else he does is lovely - it’s worth a conversation to see if he will stop doing it, but if this is a line for you and he’s crossed it, it doesn’t matter how “nice” he is the rest of the time.

So many women would be happier if they had firm boundaries and walked away at the first red flag.

Christingle123 · 19/12/2023 20:21

Yeah I know what you're getting at, just gives you a bad feeling cause really, would a good, respectable man do this? I, like you, suspect not.

mummybear2104 · 19/12/2023 20:21

Can see your point of view but I do think men just scroll and like without giving it much thought, I often see friends husband's liking or following similar pages in my newsfeed which knowing them pretty well I wouldn't think was a reflection of their character.

Coolstorysis · 19/12/2023 20:22

It's just the norm for men as far as I see. It would certainly put me off. It's like at the moment all blokes aspire to these gorgeous models and just settle for every day women, they don't care who knows it. I'm single and will obviously stay so forever, oh well.

Coolstorysis · 19/12/2023 20:25

*not all men before anyone nitpicks. The ones not like this are either highly sought after or already partnered.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2023 20:26

Absolutely agree about the gaslighting.

Men should be embarrassed by this. But they're not. Instead They turn it round on their now non-cool partner. And women fall for it.

Original poster
bumbleee · 19/12/2023 20:37

Yes, many people see this as normal in this day and age with how social media is but it just doesn't sit right and I feel disrespected. It may seem petty to some people but I've dismissed red flags in the past with ex partners and it's always burnt me in the end.

OP posts:
PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 19/12/2023 20:43

I had exactly the same and it made me view him completely differently. Suddenly it was like he was grotty teenager not a mature man. Same as if he had bought “Nuts” or “Zoo” magazine (remember them!) or ogled page 3 in public.
Yuck, not the person for me thanks.

Weekenders · 19/12/2023 20:49

If you can't have a conversation with him about it then there's no future in this, though jumping to the conclusion that there's no future without a conversation is unwise.

Talk about it, and see where that goes.

CrapBucket · 19/12/2023 20:52

God I had forgotten Nuts and Zoo!! And FHM… this is the modern day equivalent… gross.

OhpoorMe · 19/12/2023 20:58

But it's not public in the sense that his friends can't see. The only way you saw this is if you were on his Instagram on his phone looking at his activity history. You can't see what your friends have liked unless you happen to see the same picture.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 19/12/2023 20:58

Ask him about it and tell him how it makes you feel, you’ll probably get your answer in his replies… then decide

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:12

I wouldn't want to date a man like that. It's immature and sleazy. Something I'd fully expect him to have grown out of by the time he's looking for a serious relationship.

It's just a bit Jay from Inbetweeners, and in my thirties I'd be wanting a man who was more sophisticated and more of a thinker, more emotionally intelligent. Liking photos of glamour models inviting him to imagine having her sit on his face doesn't exactly give that vibe.

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