Page 2 | And it was going so well...

bumbleee · 2023-12-19T19:53:27+00:00

6 months in so early on, both mid 30's, no kids either side. No red flags at all, no love bombing just an easy natural bond. No trust issues or him hiding his phone. I'm very vigilant to behaviours from men I date due to previous cheating and abuse so I've really had my eyes wide open. I was single a while before hand and very happy and confident. However.... last night I decided to have a nosy on who he follows on Instagram never looked before as I'm not the jealous type and never have been. I have the mindset that if someone is up to no good, it will come out eventually. I was just bored and had a nosy. I see two pages he follows which are clearly only fans models or something (nothing against this line of work) and he has liked 2 pictures from 2-3 weeks ago. I'm put off and contemplating sacking the whole thing off. Am I overreacting? How do I approach him about this?! Or do I say nothing? I feel a man in his mid 30's doing this is immature. The women aren't young maybe 28-35. It's just really put me off him. I have no problems if someone watches porn ect (unsure if he does) but just liking a page or following them for people to visibly see is embarrassing and I feel repulsed. Unsure if this is enough to let a potentially good thing go these woman don't follow him back either. Just feels so pathetic Thanks!

fallingapart2 · 19/12/2023 21:22

To be honest, I think you need to work on your insecurities. It's just a 'like' or 'follow'. So what? I follow Tom Hardy and have a big crush, but it means nothing. I'm totally committed to my partner and think he's gorgeous.
Get a grip woman. Either you can say to him 'this makes me feel uncomfortable because XYZ' or you just move on, because the relationship is doomed anyway.
No man is an island. Don't expect him to be either. If you believe he's faithful, so what?
Would you advise a man whose wife who went to see Magic Mike to dump her?

Actually, forget I said that. That's just tragic. But it doesn't mean INTENT.

givenupcaring92 · 19/12/2023 21:24

sounds to me like it was all going too well and you went looking to find something just for a reason to end it?

have you considered he may not even have noticed he 'liked' or 'followed' an account?

its social media, its not real life.. its all fake... i think you need to look more at your motives for looking in the first place.

givenupcaring92 · 19/12/2023 21:26

fallingapart2 · 19/12/2023 21:22

To be honest, I think you need to work on your insecurities. It's just a 'like' or 'follow'. So what? I follow Tom Hardy and have a big crush, but it means nothing. I'm totally committed to my partner and think he's gorgeous.
Get a grip woman. Either you can say to him 'this makes me feel uncomfortable because XYZ' or you just move on, because the relationship is doomed anyway.
No man is an island. Don't expect him to be either. If you believe he's faithful, so what?
Would you advise a man whose wife who went to see Magic Mike to dump her?

Actually, forget I said that. That's just tragic. But it doesn't mean INTENT.

my hubby knows jason statham is my 'pass'... if he knocks on the door, hubby knows to close it quietly on the way out .... lol

Just kidding before everyone attacks me.... no harm window shopping, its when you buy the goods that the problems start

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2023 21:30

bumbleee · 19/12/2023 20:14

This is the main thing for me. That it is public for people to see. How do I bring it up?

Show quote history

I would ask him outright about it, I would tell him how it makes me feel, and I would tell him this type of behaviour would be a deal breaker for me in a committed relationship. Don't pull any punches and don't tiptoe around the issue.

His reaction and response will probably tell you everything you need to know.

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:49

CrapBucket · 19/12/2023 20:52

God I had forgotten Nuts and Zoo!! And FHM… this is the modern day equivalent… gross.

Ooh you've reminded me early 20s moved in with bf. Found out he regularly bought these.
Seethed for a few months then during a massive row I threw them out of our 2nd floor window. Luckily they didn't land on anyone.

He was a wanker (literally)

OP I'd speak to him about how it makes you feel and walk if no change.

SunflowerTed · 19/12/2023 21:52

confused2b · 19/12/2023 20:17

You can't bring it up.

You can't bring it up without being told you're a crazy, stalker, over reacting, bunny boiler, "it's just a like", "it means nothing".

You'll be gaslit.

This kind of behaviour is deemed acceptable and normal for men.

This made me laugh out loud

SunflowerTed · 19/12/2023 21:55

fallingapart2 · 19/12/2023 21:22

To be honest, I think you need to work on your insecurities. It's just a 'like' or 'follow'. So what? I follow Tom Hardy and have a big crush, but it means nothing. I'm totally committed to my partner and think he's gorgeous.
Get a grip woman. Either you can say to him 'this makes me feel uncomfortable because XYZ' or you just move on, because the relationship is doomed anyway.
No man is an island. Don't expect him to be either. If you believe he's faithful, so what?
Would you advise a man whose wife who went to see Magic Mike to dump her?

Actually, forget I said that. That's just tragic. But it doesn't mean INTENT.

Totally agree

GreigeO · 19/12/2023 22:02

I think I would see it as behaviour that is indicative of a lack of intelligence.

It’s a kind of thing that I could imagine thicko ‘lads’ doing, not someone with a professional job who is conscious of how he’s seen by the outside world.

It’s not the crime of the century, so if I had a conversation with him about it and he said oh God, yeah actually you’re right I’m a bit embarrassed of myself, and not do it again, that might be OK… but I’d be unlikely to see him as marriage material now.

Catlord · 19/12/2023 22:05

I would ask him outright. If it's only or 2 he might even know them or something. Id be put off by a man publicly showing appreciation of other women's sexuality. The public bit is key. Same as gawping over my shoulder. I'm just not interested in a man who would show the whole world his interest elsewhere when he's supposed to be courting me.

Pablothepalm · 19/12/2023 23:44

This post sums it up, sadly.

I would be honest and tell him you were bored and had a look and you found this kind of behaviour surprising given how lovely and mature he is. Tell him it’s the public liking you struggle with. Do not say much and don’t put words in his mouth. Let him talk.

agree it means nothing but observe carefully how he reacts to you voiding your feelings. If he gaslights you or gets annoyed then bin him.

Onehouratatime · 20/12/2023 00:32

Big no for me.
I'd discuss with him explain how it made you feel and your perspective. See how he reacts etc then make a decision...but for me it's a firm no. Sleazy and shit.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/12/2023 00:36

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2023 20:26

Absolutely agree about the gaslighting.

Men should be embarrassed by this. But they're not. Instead They turn it round on their now non-cool partner. And women fall for it.

I’m a man, and I find it embarrassing.

But I do also find it a bit embarrassing when women group us all together as being the type to do this when in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. 🙂

NewsOverload · 20/12/2023 00:46

I don't think all men do this and I certainly would not like my partner doing it. It's disrespectful. If he doesn't realise this he's emotionally thick. Point it out, weigh up his response. If it's a mature understanding response then I'd give him another chance, any sign of gaslighting or the "you are insecure" rubbish and I'd not be wasting my time on someone who didn't have the same values.

Disturbia81 · 20/12/2023 00:56

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 19/12/2023 20:43

I had exactly the same and it made me view him completely differently. Suddenly it was like he was grotty teenager not a mature man. Same as if he had bought “Nuts” or “Zoo” magazine (remember them!) or ogled page 3 in public.
Yuck, not the person for me thanks.

Yep gives me the instant ick, that can't be reversed.. any of their good points are cancelled out by sleaziness.

Chelsea543 · 20/12/2023 00:56

Personally I think it’s disrespectful when in a relationship to publicly still like photos of slutty women.
My biggest concern is if he is actually paying for the sites these women work on. I could never date a guy who is with me and paying to view photos and videos of a woman.

I’d have a chat with him about only fans and ask him if he’d ever pay for a site like that. If he says no then say that you saw he follows some people off there and it makes you uneasy. If he’s a decent guy he’ll unfollow them. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t look at them or porn but at least there’s a level of respect for you especially publicly.

anotherdisaster · 20/12/2023 12:02

I'm not sure I would even mention it to him because this is who he is. You might tell him you don't like it and he may stop doing it but it doesn't stop him wanting to do it. I wouldn't be impressed as it comes across as pretty juvenile.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/12/2023 13:06

It would be a deal breaker for me personally. Because I act the same way on social media as I do in real life. And for me, I'd never find it acceptable for my partner to announce publicly (and infront of the person in question) that he essentially fancies them. Neither of us talk about which celebrities we find attractive either, I think it's normal to be attracted to other people but I don't want to talk to my partner about it, it feels a bit disrespectful to me.

However saying that, it's absolutely fine for a lot of people and I don't think it means he is any more likely to use prostitutes. But it does reflect the image he presents to the world and that image is that he is happy with everyone knowing who he oggles online.

Would it be worth talking to him about it

OkImListening · 20/12/2023 13:07

fallingapart2 · 19/12/2023 21:22

To be honest, I think you need to work on your insecurities. It's just a 'like' or 'follow'. So what? I follow Tom Hardy and have a big crush, but it means nothing. I'm totally committed to my partner and think he's gorgeous.
Get a grip woman. Either you can say to him 'this makes me feel uncomfortable because XYZ' or you just move on, because the relationship is doomed anyway.
No man is an island. Don't expect him to be either. If you believe he's faithful, so what?
Would you advise a man whose wife who went to see Magic Mike to dump her?

Actually, forget I said that. That's just tragic. But it doesn't mean INTENT.

⬆️ this, you are definitely being unreasonable!

Christmassss · 20/12/2023 13:11

I ‘like’ photos of Harry Styles, this is no way being disrespectful to my DH.

Britpop123 · 20/12/2023 13:12

Christmassss · 20/12/2023 13:11

I ‘like’ photos of Harry Styles, this is no way being disrespectful to my DH.

Dumpable offence for a bloke, fine for a woman

Howbizzare22 · 20/12/2023 13:15

Christmassss · 20/12/2023 13:11

I ‘like’ photos of Harry Styles, this is no way being disrespectful to my DH.

Is Harry Styles talking about you sitting on his face in the posts you like while wearing next to nothing? I think not.

TedMullins · 20/12/2023 13:21

You can end a relationship for any reason you want, if you’re not comfortable then you’re not comfortable. It wouldn’t bother me though as I follow celebrities, models and musicians I think are hot and like their scantily clad photos (I’m a woman)

Burntouted · 20/12/2023 13:34

The are trust issues within you, and there will always be. Everything isn't absolutely lovely if you're feeling the need to spy on him.

He will never be only attracted to you, nor vice versa.

He will look and admire other women..and vice versa with you.

If it's just looking and being appropriate and respectful, I don't see it being a problem...that's my opinion though.

Is it just your self esteem, and you not feeling good enough for him??

You don't mind him watching porn, but you mind him looking at and following women on social media???

If you feel like this is a deal-breaker for you, then end things.

Also, you don't need to nit pick and try to find reasons to convict him, further cement in your head this notion that every guy will hurt you, and to end things. (If that's what you're doing). You can end any relationship, anytime you want to. You don't have to remain.

It may be best to end things if you're not feeling secure in the relationship. You lack trust. (You probably won't ever trust) .and you're feeling that he's just like the rest of the guys you've dealt with..

If you feel that all men are the same, it's probably best if you remain single.