After abusive relationship

[gestroopd]

Hi there. Sorry, not sure if this is exactly the right place for this, but I'm not quite sure where it should be!

I have gotten out of an abusive relationship. It is amazing - totally AMAZING - not having him in the house. His abuse was, well, I'm not sure how to describe it. There was gaslighting to the point that I lost my sense of reality. I have completely lost my sense of identity too. That's why I'm writing. I'm feeling REALLY bad. I'd like to know what's happening. It's long, so give up now if that's not your thing!

Lots of the things he did were small. Think things like I come down for dinner that he's made and there's no table setting for me. Or there's not food for me. He'd say, "Oh, I didn't know what you wanted." and then he'd fuss to 'help' me get something. It wasn't every time we ate, it was sometimes every weekend. Sometimes not. It was NEVER if we had a visitor. Funny how his behaviour could change when someone else was there.

He completely ignored me, walked away when I was speaking - literally, mid-sentence he'd turn around and walk away. When I said, "Why are you walking away?" he'd come back and say that he wasn't walking away.

When I tried to divorce him, it took 6+ years to get him out (I'm abroad and couldn't leave). He'd hampered my opportunity to work, to study, everything, because he wanted me for childcare (he later admitted this).

I've recently realised that he also prevented me from getting my fitness back after several illnesses. I wanted to, I just needed set times to attend classes or the gym (or set days), but he wouldn't help. Meanwhile, he kept up his own fitness, often going at times I could have gone. It sounds so stupid, like, "Well, why didn't you just get up before him then?", but I was up late getting lunches etc done and was tired. I slept in 30 mins more than him (he went to bed before me), so I'd wake up and he'd gone for a run. I was crying and pleading for him to just block off sometime that I could take. He rolled his eyes, walked away, sighed etc. I've realised that he actually was happy seeing me a) lose my fitness and b) cry about it (eventually). It didn't bother him. I literally wasted away in front of his eyes and he didn't care.

When I say he didn't care, that extends in all directions. I was suicidal because of his behaviour at a few points. Twice I told him I really couldn't cope any more and I was actively suicidal. He just rolled his eyes.

Anyway, he's gone now, and like I say, it's wonderful that I'm not living with him anymore. I am not a ball of stress when I wake up in the morning, waiting to hear him argue with the kids or bang things around. It's really good and the kids are more relaxed. BUT something's wrong with me. I feel like my character has changed SO much due to living with him, that life's not really worth living anymore. I'm not going to end it, because of the children, but I just feel horrendous. I used to be outgoing, a go-getter, extremely fit, and now i'm like a carcass. I have got a personal trainer who is amazing (is rebuilding me from inside out) and I will get really fit again, but it will never be like before.

I KNOW I sound like a Debbie Downer. I don't want to. I want to be free and feel free and look forward to the future. I just see no future, because the person I used to be has been erased. It's not that I don't know who I am now, it's that I feel that I'm nothing and nobody now. I do not, under any circumstances, ever want to be in a relationship again, so it's not like I have hope in that direction.

Can anybody tell me what's happening? Have you felt like this?

After so many years of his abuse of course it's going to feel strange.

Have you tried counselling? Or joining a group to meet some new friends. Try volunteering.

Start small and work your way up. You'll get there.

I feel as if I’m still in the middle of this, and still wondering if I can get back to who I used to be, or if not, a version of myself who I can live with.

I was in a very long marriage to someone who always put himself first and blamed me (and made me feel guilty) if I ever told him I was not ok with it.

Over the years my resentment grew and he became verbally abusive. I hunkered down and kept quiet so as not to rock the boat. I kept to myself and let friendships lapse, I ended up isolating my self and became a shell of the person I used to be.

Ive been living away from him for nearly a year (divorce in progress) and it’s only been three months since he stopped being so angry, but he is still in my head a lot. We are still in contact (sorting out furniture and possessions) but anytime he shows anger towards me I find myself retreating inside myself again. The walls go up and I shut down.

How long has your ex been out of your day to day life? I find it takes a while to just get to ‘normal’, ie to lose that constant fear and anxiety that takes away all your energy and joy.

You actually sound quite positive in your post, not a downer Debbie at all. I guess recovery is like learning to walk before you can run. You can’t get to the next stage until you got through the last one. Maybe it’s a bit like escaping from a prison, you have to acclimatise to not being in a prison, before you can start living at full speed again.

I have found reading books about recovery from abuse very helpful. I learned to not expect much and to be very patient while married. I think those are the qualities that will stand me in good stead now.

Good luck and find joy in the small things. At the moment I still wake up thankful that I’m not in the same house as him anymore. I think when I stop doing that, I will be ready for the next stage.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the person I was. Too much time has gone by and too many things have happened. But that applies to most people, age and experiences changes you anyway. I guess the bad stuff needs to become just a distant memory before the new and better experiences can take centre stage.

Sorry, that’s rather a rambling post. It’s just I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.

I've felt like you feel.

The whole reason you put up with the abuse was because you believed there was something wrong with you. The reason you feel bad now is because you feel there's something wrong with you. You are vulnerable because of your own beliefs about yourself.

Where do those beliefs come from? What was your childhood like? Were your parents respectful of your feelings?

Also in the same boat after a 5 yr awful relationship. I feel like a different person. I can’t relate to how your feeling bad
though as I feel the complete opposite, I feel like a weights been lifted and I feel like I. Can live no whereas before I couldn’t. I wonder if maybe you need more time, I went through down stages and crying thinking I should take him back and that kind of going. How far on are you? I’m nearly a year now

Thanks for replying. To answer a few questions .

He's been out of my day to day life since 1 October. I still hear him almost daily because he calls to speak to the kids. But he's not here when I wake up and I don't have to worry about the tone of voice I use or time of day I speak to him or to have to think up reasons to justify not having done something. I just do whatever I'm doing. That's nice but it's not making me as excited day to day as I thought it would.

He replicated many of the things my mother did, although slightly differently than she did. She was also a master gaslighter, but I didn't know what it really was until about 3 years ago.

I have times where I just burst out crying. It's strange because I gave up crying about 10 years ago - I stopped feeling the "release", it just gave me a headache and puffy eyes. If changed nothing.

I have started to have panic attacks when memories pop into my head. I listen to my headphones a lot, loud, to prevent me thinking in order to keep them at bay. It works!

I have a therapist but that's just one hour out of many in the week. I also volunteer but can only do that once, max twice a month because of childcare. I enjoy it though. It keeps me going sometimes.

I think I can't cope with the idea that he took everything I had from me, down to my health (I even had surgery that was a result of physical problems caused by severe stress). I thought it would be like Jonjo and I'd feel great and fired up when it was over. I feel deflated. I feel like I'm left with a body that is disgusting (he treated me like I was physically disgusting and I wasn't that confident before) and is broken, a brain that's totally broken and a personality that's neutralised. I feel my existence is humiliating myself.

In comparison, he's carrying on running marathons, going on ski trips and doing his Big Important Job.

I think you need to speak to someone about this, you need to turn all these negatives into positives, and start looking forward instead of backwards. I’m no therapist but have been through most things. In a year you will look back and realise how far you have come. Sometimes it’s best taking a day at a time. Be careful he still hasn’t a hold on you. It’s easily done and hard to detect. These men are extremely clever

Also you don’t need to care about what he’s doing, there’s a lot of feeling still swimming about here. And the sooner you can move on in good spirit the better your life will become I promise you

It might help to speak to someone to work things through.

But mostly you just need time and to keep putting one foot infront of the other.

Could you treat yourself to a makeover to boost your self esteem? Get your hair done, spa day, facial, some new clothes? The personal trainer js is great idea too as it serves the double purpose of helping you recreate yourself and, exercise releasing endorphins to keep you happy.

A holiday in the sun might help too if possible!

Abusers...take US away from us. It takes time to find ourselves again. To rebuild.

Theu also, pour themselves in. Which us why you're having trouble shaking his voice. But the more you find your own voice again. The quieter his will become.

I’m sorry you feel that way, and I’m sorry I do t have an answer for you either. But I do understand

i was vibrant and care free, never worried about things and a slim size 8. I’m now overweight, unfit, and the description of my personality being neutralised resonates with me. I can feel happiness but it’s like on the surface and doesn’t penetrate down to inside me very often. On the outside I act right but it is an act rather than being care free and happy.

I would also like to know how to get the old me back and if this is possible??

Who validates you?

You get yourself back. But it takes time. It also takes work. I agree with others that therapy helps. I've found it hugely helpful just doing my own reading, research and keeping a journal. Reading up on things like codependency, attachment styles, building self confidence and healing your inner child have helped. There's loads on You Tube that's helpful as well. There is a root to this and subconsciously you have probably stayed in this relationship because it replicates something that was familiar and comfortable to you in your upbringing. For me, my relationship with my mum was dysfunctional and I was effectively taught that people who love you are arseholes towards you.

My marriage ended in the summer and its been a gradual process of getting myself back since then. I am financially better off without ex and am finally able to spend money of myself. I got some clothes I liked and that actually fit me. And that gave me confidence. Then I started putting make up on again. In dribs and drabs I've changed little things around the house. I've started doing things that push my out of my comfort zone and that builds confidence. I've also been working on saying 'no' more often and enforcing my boundaries. Including with ex. That is amazing for the confidence. To the outside, I don't think I look much different, but inside I don't recognise the person I was when I was in a relationship with him.

What I will say is that focusing less on him and more on yourself will help you. You can lose yourself in bitterness towards him and everything you blame him for. Or you can take control, realise that you are the master of your own destiny and that everything you want and deserve is within your control.

I don't think I understand. I don't think anybody does outside some feedback sometimes at the volunteering. Who should validate me?

You should validate yourself.

You can lose yourself in bitterness towards him and everything you blame him for. Or you can take control, realise that you are the master of your own destiny and that everything you want and deserve is within your control.

I don't even feel that bitter or resentful. I think I should, but I am in shock. When I say I'm physically destroyed and he's running marathons, I'm not bitter. I can't believe this has happened. I can't believe any of it.

However sadly everything I want isn't in my control as I'm living in a country where English isn't the first or second language and my language skills are ok but not fluent. Things I enjoy and want to do are not available to me here. And I can't leave without his permission, because of the children. So that doesn't help because I look to the future and there's nothing bright, just a lot of "getting by".

You should validate yourself.

That's what I thought the answer should be, but I didn't understand the question.

I also recognise we're social animals and when you're totally isolated, as I have been, it's also nice to get some outside validation. Besides, if we didn't need outside validation, then emotional abuse would barely exist, because how other people treat us and what they say about us to us would barely matter. But when you're treated like shit everyday for years and years, it takes its toll, so I imagine external validation, be it a friend appreciating you or getting a promotion at work is actually more important than people think.

It takes years. October wasn't that long ago. When you start from a position of having no friends anymore to get quality connections you need longer than since October. Just watch yourself with future partners. I went from one abusive relationship to the next for a bit. Last partner wasn't abusive but really lazy and selfish. Took 6 years of the lazy git for me to realise just because he's not abusive I can still deserve better. I think it's only now I'm finally getting past the effects on my personality that being controlled and abused had. You don't know who you are for so long once you get free.

Yes but when you get to the point where you validate yourself, you are able to detach from the negativity of others. You dismiss their negative opinions because you know them to not be true and you remove those people from your life.

It's all about having a strong sense of self so you don't need external validation. You are enough on your own. You know you've done a good job because you've told yourself you've done a good job.

I think the point here is although you are seperated your still allowing him to have control over your thoughts and aspects of your life. You are still holding feelings for him and this is shown in how you write. You really need to speak to a professional or if u can like I did get the strength and realise you are worthy of more and so are your children, you do not need to live like this and you shouldn’t be feeling like this. you need a lot more time to get over this, it’s taken me a year to basically not care any longer. But in the early days I felt like you, I was bothered where he was, even though I knew deep down it was over, I was wondering if he was with someone else. Etc, however now I couldn’t give a shit. I’m totally in a different headspace, and until you can get to a different thought pattern you are just torturing yourself xx

If someone was held hostage for years, would you expect them to be bouncing about unscathed and unchanged, once they were freed?

Give yourself time - you've only been out of it a couple of months, you're still connecting the dots from all the abuse, I imagine.

It won't happen overnight, honestly I think it took me about 3 years to get back to how I was before him. My life was just work and dc for a long time and I needed that to heal. Be kind to yourself, it does get better but it will take time.

Yes I can relate, and my abusive relationship was much shorter than yours by the sound of things. It was about 3 years with abuse ramping up gradually. I'd say it took me a few years to recover really. When I had my own home, I was terrified of him knowing where it was. Occasionally I had to speak to him about our DC, and I'd be a nervous wreck afterwards. There wasn't much physical violence, it was the psychological impact of losing faith in myself, doubting myself, a result of all the gas lighting and how he had me on tenterhooks all the time. If you think about it, it really isn't surprising it takes time. The abuse is a form of psychological torment, your brain has to readjust to the new normal.
Well done for getting out. You will be fine, be patient!
I'm sure counselling would help if you have time / money.

It didn’t impact you overnight and you won’t recover quickly either. I’m almost 2 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage (just passed the anniversary of booking my initial consultation with a divorce lawyer!). You have to learn who you are again. So many of my choices in life were dictated by him, often what he didn’t want! I’m getting to know what I want from life and move forward but I need some therapy to process it all.

You. Google self validation and learn about it. You need it. We all do. It's amazing when you learn how to do it. It was what stopped me feeling like you feel now. I hope it helps you; it can't not, really.

I understand and have been through a lot of what you feel OP. It's a long road to recovery when a person who is supposed to love and care for you attempts to destroy you instead. He will not improve in a different relationship and without doubt torture others in the future. It's a monumental thing you have done getting away from him. Be kind to yourself, don't rush and it will get better.
I spent a lot of time after blaming myself but woke up one day thinking I was conned into the relationship by a highly manipulative, lying, thieving gaslighter ( I discovered a lot through documents I found and an old mobile phone whilst we battled legally over the house ) . He was the destruction of the relationship and almost destroyed me but I'm a loyal, trusting, honest and decent woman who has much better boundaries these days

Re self-validation, that's how I was before I met him. I was extremely independent, I didn't live an entirely conventional life. But to self-validate you have to have a self. I feel like I don't have one anymore. I'm all used up. I've kind of gone the other way now where I don't care what people think. I don't really care about anything other than my children. There is a liberation in that too but it feels different than how I used to feel when I felt proud of achievements, for example. Now if I have an achievement, I don't feel anything.