After abusive relationship

[gestroopd]

Hi there. Sorry, not sure if this is exactly the right place for this, but I'm not quite sure where it should be!

I have gotten out of an abusive relationship. It is amazing - totally AMAZING - not having him in the house. His abuse was, well, I'm not sure how to describe it. There was gaslighting to the point that I lost my sense of reality. I have completely lost my sense of identity too. That's why I'm writing. I'm feeling REALLY bad. I'd like to know what's happening. It's long, so give up now if that's not your thing!

Lots of the things he did were small. Think things like I come down for dinner that he's made and there's no table setting for me. Or there's not food for me. He'd say, "Oh, I didn't know what you wanted." and then he'd fuss to 'help' me get something. It wasn't every time we ate, it was sometimes every weekend. Sometimes not. It was NEVER if we had a visitor. Funny how his behaviour could change when someone else was there.

He completely ignored me, walked away when I was speaking - literally, mid-sentence he'd turn around and walk away. When I said, "Why are you walking away?" he'd come back and say that he wasn't walking away.

When I tried to divorce him, it took 6+ years to get him out (I'm abroad and couldn't leave). He'd hampered my opportunity to work, to study, everything, because he wanted me for childcare (he later admitted this).

I've recently realised that he also prevented me from getting my fitness back after several illnesses. I wanted to, I just needed set times to attend classes or the gym (or set days), but he wouldn't help. Meanwhile, he kept up his own fitness, often going at times I could have gone. It sounds so stupid, like, "Well, why didn't you just get up before him then?", but I was up late getting lunches etc done and was tired. I slept in 30 mins more than him (he went to bed before me), so I'd wake up and he'd gone for a run. I was crying and pleading for him to just block off sometime that I could take. He rolled his eyes, walked away, sighed etc. I've realised that he actually was happy seeing me a) lose my fitness and b) cry about it (eventually). It didn't bother him. I literally wasted away in front of his eyes and he didn't care.

When I say he didn't care, that extends in all directions. I was suicidal because of his behaviour at a few points. Twice I told him I really couldn't cope any more and I was actively suicidal. He just rolled his eyes.

Anyway, he's gone now, and like I say, it's wonderful that I'm not living with him anymore. I am not a ball of stress when I wake up in the morning, waiting to hear him argue with the kids or bang things around. It's really good and the kids are more relaxed. BUT something's wrong with me. I feel like my character has changed SO much due to living with him, that life's not really worth living anymore. I'm not going to end it, because of the children, but I just feel horrendous. I used to be outgoing, a go-getter, extremely fit, and now i'm like a carcass. I have got a personal trainer who is amazing (is rebuilding me from inside out) and I will get really fit again, but it will never be like before.

I KNOW I sound like a Debbie Downer. I don't want to. I want to be free and feel free and look forward to the future. I just see no future, because the person I used to be has been erased. It's not that I don't know who I am now, it's that I feel that I'm nothing and nobody now. I do not, under any circumstances, ever want to be in a relationship again, so it's not like I have hope in that direction.

Can anybody tell me what's happening? Have you felt like this?

There have been a couple of comments referring to bring a hostage/prison. They really struck a chord.

I do that a therapist. She supported me in getting out of the relationship.

I can see that I shouldn't expect too much after 16 years of this. At the same time, I'm exhausted after 16 years and I fought hard for over 5 years to actually get a divorce, so I guess I was hoping that I'd feel significantly better than I do.

As for another relationship: never ever. I'd rather be lonely than go through this, or anything like this. No relationship or person is worth 5+ years to get out of, plus what now seems like will be years of recovery. I don't have enough life left for that.

Hi @gestroopd

I was married to someone who sounds a lot like your ex - walking out of the room while I was talking really resonated! I ended the marriage in November 2022. Tomorrow I will buy him out of the family home. I thought my separation process was hellish but it sounds like a walk in the park compared to yours. I’m outside the UK and due to our ridiculous divorce laws we can’t legally divorce for another year.

I feel happier and more like “me” than I have for a long time (we were together 21 years - since I was 20) but I still have to see him (we have 2 primary age DC) and so he still gets lots of opportunities to take jabs at me. Then he has the cheek to say “look who is the angry one” - as if anger is not an entirely rational response to abuse. So I feel like he still takes up a disproportionate amount of mental real estate.

I’ve had a lot of therapy, really worked on learning how to set boundaries, try (often unsuccessfully) to grey rock or at least not react immediately to his provocation.

I’ve also started a new relationship with someone AMAZING. I am happy to be alone (and in fact I am most of the time as it’s an LDR) but what I would say is don’t let your arsehole ex influence the shape and course of your emotional life. He has no right to do that. You may have an amazing life alone, you may have one (or several!) great loves in your future. Anything is possible.

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive so believe me I get it. Escaping was utter hell. This time last year I genuinely lived in fear that he might take my kids and I might never see them again.