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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I process this....I feel so hurt

37 replies

Onehouratatime · 19/12/2023 16:08

I'll try and keep it short.

End of July me and my ex split. I cried and cried and cried...begged him to come back..the whole lot.... he blocked me on everything.. didn't return my stuff and was gone. We broke up because he broke my boundaries with trust and other women....After 2/3 months my friends found him on 2 dating sites and a week ish layer he popped back up said he would like to talk and see if we can fix stuff....we spoke he refused to admit his boundary breaks and didn't understand why I was upset about the dating apps, he claimed he never spoke to anyone on them never met anyone never slept with anyone nothing he claimed he had been a mess and was so sad we ended .....he then u turned and blocked me again.

2 weeks ago after a night out (he must of seen my pics on fb somehow) he messaged me and told me I looked stunning...we talked and he said he wanted to fix us but was scared...we talked we met we bonded and we discussed our issues and what needed to change and we agreed and I thought we would possibly give it a good go... then this Saturday I get an Instagram phone call from his ex before me....

Turns out...he hasn't been sad these past 4 months since we split...he's been begging her to take him back and sleeping with her the whole time. He even send her a dick pic one evening while messaging me about how we will move forward and build trust AT THE SAME TIME!! When we met I asked him outright to his face have you slept or kissed or anything with anyone else? He said absolutely not..he had been a mess and had no interest in anyone else but me he said he loved me and I believed him like an idiot.

He promised his ex the world and used her for sex...saw me moving on realised he made a mistake and dropped the ex and chased me...all the while lying to my face...

I don't know how to process this

He blamed it on me said it was my fault.
He was literally going to reenter our relationship and bring his ds and my ds and dd back into it (after a few months) based on a massive lie !!

I'm so sad and angry...please tell me how I process this and move on now...

Sorry if my typing is terrible

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 19/12/2023 16:13

How to process? Stay angry - you have dodged a massive bullet with this loser although right now you probably can't see this. Be thankful you have now seen him for the sad loser he really is before you got your children tangled up in his lies.

Block him on everything - do not get sucked back in. It will take a while but put yourself first, forget about dating for a while and concentrate on yourself and your children.

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 19/12/2023 16:19

RatherBeRiding · 19/12/2023 16:13

Block him on everything - do not get sucked back in. It will take a while but put yourself first, forget about dating for a while and concentrate on yourself and your children.

Thank you @RatherBeRiding I'm so hurt and angry and sad and aaaaaahhhhh.... he look right at me and lied to my face

He said "if you never answered that phone call you'd of never have known and we would of been happy" and "if you didn't end it in the first place I wouldn't of slept with her"

Wow.

OP posts:

Restinggoddess · 19/12/2023 16:22

He is a chancer - playing you and the ex off in the hope he scores.

As PP says - stay angry and channel it into putting yourself first.
Do not fall for what any rubbish he now tries - ‘it’s Christmas’, ‘ I have never known a woman as beautiful/ caring/ understanding as you’, ‘my balls will fall off if you don’t…!

You dodged a massive bullet
Stay strong - you deserve much, much better
Block him on everything and live your life

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2023 16:26

What's to process? He's a lying shit bag who you have very unwisely allowed back into your life on multiple occasions.

If you don't want better for yourself, no one else will.

rockingbird · 19/12/2023 16:38

Be thankful you've discovered he's a lying sh*t. Block and move on with your life, sounds like you were doing great until he reared his ugly head back up. Also thank the ex who helped to rumble his sorry arse..

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 17:08

Luckily you found out so now you can bin him off. You'd never be able to trust him. He sounds vile. I'm sure you can do better.

Dery · 19/12/2023 17:21

“What's to process? He's a lying shit bag who you have very unwisely allowed back into your life on multiple occasions.

If you don't want better for yourself, no one else will.”

This.

ValerieVomit · 19/12/2023 17:27

He said "if you never answered that phone call you'd of never have known and we would of been happy" and "if you didn't end it in the first place I wouldn't of slept with her"

He said that? Apart from being a filthy cheating animal his command of the English language is stupid as well.

You wouldn't have been happy because he would still be doing this stuff behind your back, only a matter of time. He's disgusting. Stay furious and be glad he's gone.

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 19:30

What do you mean by 'process'?

TurkeyMalarkey · 19/12/2023 19:33

He sounds like a lying, cheating, weak, pathetic loser. Thank GOD you have escaped him.

CacenCaws · 19/12/2023 19:38

By telling him to fuck off and block him on everything. He is a horrible person

ChanelNo19EDT · 19/12/2023 19:42

Wow, in the past, when something really really painful happens it's a blessing because it pierces the delusion. He is a shabby blaming entitled dickhead. YOu see that clearly now. If it had been a bit more drip, drip, drip, maybe half suspecting and so on, you wouldn't have seen his true colours so clearly. That's why it hurts so much right now. But do process it. This is what it is and you should accept the pain. If you ever think of him fleetingly in the future remember the pain. And then avoid not just him, but men like him. xx

Notimeforidiots69 · 19/12/2023 19:42

The man clearly has psychopathic tendencies... I honestly don't think you can ever trust him again. Put it this way, what do you forsee in 5 years time? I'd say you'd be in the same position, but would have wasted 5 years listening to his lies and excuses. Move on while you can, you really have dodged a bullet as someone else rightly said ❤❤❤

Weatherwax13 · 19/12/2023 19:47

You process by reminding yourself that you're worth 1000x more than this wanker. And knowing you'll never be in this position again because you'll block him on everything.

Soerdu · 19/12/2023 19:52

Absolutely, and without exception, go NO CONTACT! None. Block him on everything. Make it impossible for him to get through. I promise after a while it won't hurt and you'll wonder why you shed a tear over him.

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 19/12/2023 23:52

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 19:30

What do you mean by 'process'?

@Watchkeys Make sense of it all.. I don't know...get through it...understand how someone does this to someone while telling them they love them and want a future with them...move forward...heal? X

OP posts:

Whattheheckcarer · 19/12/2023 23:56

How did she call you on Instagram?

Chocolatehamper · 20/12/2023 00:06

Stay angry, but for your kids. You are an adult and can carry the emotions of a break up, don't drag small children into it and mess them up even more.

He's scum and will never change. Show your children that you won't allow anyone to walk all over you by using emotional blackmail. Be their leading example.

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 20/12/2023 00:24

Thank you all so much for your advice.

He unfortunately got in there first and blocked me on socials and whatsapp - the audacity! However I did block him on texts and calls. I'll go no contact now and remain that way!

@Whattheheckcarer like you do on fb messenger? It has a call button.

@Chocolatehamper I am so glad I was guarded and didn't get the kids reinvolved... he would of totally got all the kids back together and ran with it all if he didn't get found out. How can someone do that... rebuild a relationship based on a bigger lie than last time when kids hearts are involved too. Blows my mind.

He's clearly a narc with narc traits... I'm glad ultimately I know the truth but my god does it sting!!!!

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 20/12/2023 00:39

He sounds like one of those weak men who need a pseudo-harem in order to feel good about himself. & pitifully craves validation via messing women around, having more than one on the go at the same time. I wouldnt shag him with someone else's tbh, you'll never know where he's been. Process...? You should thank your lucky stars you're away from this fool that no woman who values herself would give the time of day. Life's honestly too short to waste time with stupid drama-addicted men. Block him take time out until you meet a decent man. If you fell for him hard of course it will sting but you won't die for lack of him and you can make a new life for yourself.

Hols24 · 20/12/2023 00:42

ValerieVomit · 19/12/2023 17:27

He said "if you never answered that phone call you'd of never have known and we would of been happy" and "if you didn't end it in the first place I wouldn't of slept with her"

He said that? Apart from being a filthy cheating animal his command of the English language is stupid as well.

You wouldn't have been happy because he would still be doing this stuff behind your back, only a matter of time. He's disgusting. Stay furious and be glad he's gone.

🙄

Chelsea543 · 20/12/2023 00:51

Oh girl I’m in a similar place and it’s horrible. I’m a step behind you in that I dumped him because of him messaging girls and 3 weeks later he’s on a dating site! Which he denied until I showed him proof. I’m just waiting for a girl to message me now saying he’s been with her the whole time. When we split he acted sad for a week and then seemed fine.

Luckily for you, it seems you don’t have kids together whereas I do 😣 so at least you can cut all ties and run for the hills.

What the problem is now is that you need to separate the man you thought he was with the man he really is. It probably helps if he’s blocked you because that shows what a pathetic coward he is. But I do believe soon he will unblock and start the whole “I miss you” “I’m so depressed/want to end my life” b.s to try and make you go back to him.

Read as many books, articles, podcasts and MN threads on No Contact. It is hard but once you shift the focus each day from him to yourself and your kids then it becomes easier.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you have pangs of missing him and wanting him back. It’s totally fine to feel that way but the reality is, he has been with another woman the whole time he left you - and you just can’t go back to that.

Hugs xx

betterangels · 20/12/2023 01:28

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2023 16:26

What's to process? He's a lying shit bag who you have very unwisely allowed back into your life on multiple occasions.

If you don't want better for yourself, no one else will.

In a nutshell. Stop letting him back in.

randomusername2020 · 20/12/2023 01:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MintJulia · 20/12/2023 02:08

'What's to process? He's a lying shit bag who you have very unwisely allowed back into your life on multiple occasions.

If you don't want better for yourself, no one else will.'

This. You met a low life. He messed you around, lied and cheated, came back hoping for a convenient follow-up bonk. That's what low-lifes do.

You block him on all channels, don't communicate with him again. He isn't worth the air he breathes. Look forward to the new year. Find a new interest and get out there having fun. Chalk it up to experience and take more time assessing before you choose a new boyfriend.

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