Dating a man going through a divorce

[Flash15x]

Hi. I've been with my new boyfriend for 9 months. When I met he was in the process of starting his divorce. As people do when they met they share things that have happened etc and I soon found myself knowing every detail of what was happening etc. giving him advice or listening etc, however over the last couple of months I probably got too involved and it has put a strain on our relationship. He has one child who is 13 who I've met and have an ok relationship with, 2 step children who are late teens who I haven't met and him and his ex are not amicable, pretty toxic in fact. I've received numerous messages from fake accounts on social media regarding him (think it's his ex) which I was told from him wasnt his fault and I can't take it out on him.
It blew up between us both and me and my boyfriend decided we need to keep certain things private I.e his divorce or can't with ex and mine with my ex (we are ammicable and friendly and still have a house together we are selling) and work on stuff to fix our relationship and move forward. However I feel his pulling away, I feel in the way and I'm worried it'll feel as if we can't communicate or have a life together and a separate one also that neither of us are involved in. I do a lot for him I.e help sort his daughters Christmas presents etc. He's always said he was over his wife and didn't love her etc but my biggest worry and gut feelings was always that I was a distraction or rebound. Which he always says isn't true. When we met he was so different to how he is now. Maybe the honeymoon periods over or maybe he's starting to show his true colours. should I trust my gut on this?

Thank you x

So you started as an affair..are you even sure he is actually divorcing right now? Because they all say this.
This guy found a therapist, personal assistant, sex worker on tap and a nanny in you. I can't imagine introducing my 13 years old child to a girlfriend of 9 months (or less at the time of meeting). Did he introduce you as girlfriend or friend?
He wants you to keep things private because he pprobably wants to make it work with her and isn't actually divorcing. You sound like you don't have good self esteem and that he is using you to pass the time. When you cornered him, he became evasive and didn't like you confronting him because he is deceptive.
He can't even be bothered to get his own kid a gift or to put her feelings first instead of introducing you to her and spending his free time on a new relationship instead of supporting his kid through divorce. This guy is a selfish loser and you're being a mug.

Sorry OP but I think he is using you as his de facto wife with getting presents for his daughter, leaning on you for advice etc. I don't think he is in the right place for a new relationship.

No he'd been separated for 7 months when we met. His ex wife also has a new partner.
I met his daughter after 5 months. I only see her once a week and I'm definitely not a babysitter. I do help out buying gifts etc but that's just my nature and also men aren't great at doing it. I'm sure he'd give me the money if I asked.
My self esteem isn't great I agree but I do feel as if I have been there for him massively and now his starting to back away when it's getting deep x

Thank you x

Gawd any relationship that you have to 'work on' and 'fix' after 9 months isn't worth it.

My heart breaks for that 13 year old, I'd consider staying with him just to give her a tiny fragment of stability but that's really not your job or responsibility.

Dp wasn't actually completely divorced when I met him, he had the first decree but not the final one. But their marriage was completely over and they were friends and coparents to adult children and living separately for some time.

I'd say why not completely finish your own legal and housing processes? I think you're more likely to meet someone stable when you're settled yourself.

OP, I need you to open your eyes and realise this is probably exactly why he's getting divorced in the first place.

Why is this grown man not able to get a present for his own daughter?
Why are you, a stranger to this girl, more capable of figuring out what she'd like as a present?
Why does he need someone to be involved with his divorce? Why can't he just deal with his own issues himself?
Why is he not making sure that you - as his new partner - are not being harrassed by his ex on social media? Why is he not taking responsibility?

THis is not a man. This is a needy child who knows he can't function on his own. And he has replaced his ex with the first woman who came along who was silly enough to mother him like you have been.

Please, please, set the bar higher OP

That's my issue, I don't think it should be this way at this point however I do think he overshared too much and the lines got blurred.

His divorce is waiting to be stamped but his solicitor has advised on getting the financial order first, they can't be amicable more from her side then his.

I do worry about his daughter, luckily she's 13 and lives in her own world but I'm sure later down the line it could affect her.

I'm not married, waiting on a house sale but we get on well still and have no issues.

I went out with a bloke that had only been split up from his ex for 8 months , it got way too messy with the crazy vex and this one sounds crazy too making up fake accounts . Relationships are not supposed to be hard work they are supposed to be fun I would walk away now .

So you're not just helping him pick gifts you're actually paying for them? He's taking you for a mug.

As @PermanentTemporary said, having to work on a relationship after only 9 months is never a great sign.

When I got with DH he'd been separated 5 months, they weren't married but have kids. His ex is a nutter and has tried to make things difficult. He has his kids 50%. I've never felt like we've had to "work" on our relationship. Dealing with th ex has been challenging at times but has never put a wedge between us or threatened our relationship.

I had the exact same.
I drove myself nuts "trying to make it work"

He was coming out of a marriage his head was all over the place and he was not ready for a new relationship.

I also agree with @ImCamembertTheBigCheese

'Men aren't great at doing it'

Dp is, because he's a good dad. That poor bloody girl. And even if he's not good at it, you want evidence that your dad gives some kind of shit about you, not that he's someone who will shuffle off jobs he thinks aren't his responsibility to someone you barely know.

Whether there's a legal process or not, what matters is what's going on with the person, their character and the quality of the relationship.

Thank you everyone.
It's always been my choice to help buy presents etc as men aren't too clued up on 13year olds and also I suppose I'm trying to prove myself in a way which I know isn't right.
I suppose I feel I just haven't been a priority in this, or that I'm not being defended.
I see so much potential in us but I worry I'm just setting myself up for more heartache in the future. I need to be strong but I don't know how right now x

I agree 100%, @Hbosh.

Do you need to live vicariously through someone else’s divorce?

why isn’t he buying his daughter Christmas presents himself? 🙄

Seriously. There are loads of men out there without all this baggage.

I've felt like if I'm honest I have yeah but think that's more down too me not being sure what's going on or wanting to know because I'm scared of being hurt x

Why put yourself through this? It sounds utterly shit and you are only 9m in.

Could you afford some therapy? That 'need to prove myself' is something I recognise but it's a red flag for your future happiness. I went into therapy to stop myself walking into another relationship just like my previous ones because I recognised that a lot of the problems were in me.

If I'd offered to buy a present on behalf of dp for his daughter, especially after 9 months, he'd have looked at me as if I were mad.

@Flash15x

"It's always been my choice to help buy presents etc as men aren't too clued up on 13year olds"

I'm sorry that you haven't met any men who've met this minimum requirement for parenthood.
OP, your ideas on what is acceptable are just completely ridiculous.
I know plenty of good, involved fathers, who have bothered to get to know their children and know exactly what kind of gifts they want. And who would feel insulted if a woman who barely knows his children would presume to know better what his kids want or need.

It's not that men are no good at buying gifts for teenage girls. It's that some of them don't care enough to try.
Do you honestly want to waste your time on a man who can't be bothered with his own child?
If he doesn't want to put in an effort for her, can you imagine where that leaves you?

@Flash15x

I do help out buying gifts etc but that's just my nature and also men aren't great at doing it. I'm sure he'd give me the money if I asked.

OP I'd really suggest you pull back from this situation you're in - it's all a bit too far too soon don't you think?

Also, I think it's unwise to assume that, because he's a man, he's "not great" at buying gifts. There's so much information online these days or, actually, he could just speak to his child and ask her for suggestions of what she'd like - not just rely on the nearest willing female. Having said that, why isn't he offering you back the money you've spent on his child? Or perhaps you could ask to be reimbursed, surely? You are setting yourself up a bit here. 🌹

She did give him a list however he would be no good (which he admits) at shopping around trying to find things which are sold out or best price etc. im sure if I asked him for the money he would buy im aware how expensive divorces are and want to help if I can.

I believe you are right in therapy.
I was previously in a coercive relationship and probably don't realise my worth. X

Yes please spend the money on therapy to work on some really dysfunctional thinking.

In the meantime, stop seeing this guy and don't date for a bit. Maybe a year? Two years? Start with that anyway. I said to my therapist I was visiting her to stop myself finding another relationship too fast, I was so terrified of wandering into a bad situation again.

Of course men can do this. My DH is much better at doing it than I am, because it’s much more the norm for his family to seek out a bargain than it is for mine. I have got better at doing it, because I have started doing it and so have learnt how to do it, as I went along.

And it’s not for you to subsidise his life for him. Just ask for the money! And if you feel you can’t, why not?

It seems to me he is putting on a bit of a helpless act, because he’s found someone who has fallen for it.

Of course he’s capable of finding items on a shopping list and actually paying for them but he’s not going to while you facilitate him and act like it’s a honourable thing that you’re doing.

Shes his daughter caught up in her parents divorce and not only has he already dragged you into her world, he’s offloaded his own parental gift buying responsibilities to you.

You shouldn’t need to ask him for the money to buy HIS daughter gifts - he’s taking the piss.

He's capable of getting you to the bits of parenting he can't be arsed doing then he's capable of googling gift prices and using the internet.
Pick your self esteem up of the floor op

I was briefly in a relationship with someone going through divorce , having been separated for 18 months. I had to end it as I hated hearing the way he sometimes when really upset spoke about his ex. Maybe all justifiable but still jarred with me .