Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband up to no good

43 replies

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:03

I have discovered husband has been swapping dirty vids/pics with some woman, no idea who she is.
Pictures of him using a vibrator with some cage thing over his penis, a video of her using a vibrator, and random pictures like pants, shower pics etc.
I'm really hurt - she also has a similar body type to me post baby, so I can't even say well it's a young, hot thing who doesn't have the post 2 babies sag to her tummy and breasts.
He slept with someone else a few months ago. He's also chatted people up before online but not acted on it previously.

What's wrong with me? I'm a nice person, ok I've been a bit too tired for much in the way of sex with 2 small kids but does that warrant unfaithfulness?
I'd be the bad guy for breaking the family up. Our poor children will have their lives ripped apart. I can't do that to them. They wouldn't even slightly understand.
How on earth do I get the self esteem to tell him to leave in comparison to the damage this will do to the children 😫

OP posts:
EVHead · 18/12/2023 23:07

Why would you be the bad guy? He’s the one who’s done wrong. You would be doing the right thing to separate.

You deserve better than this. And your children deserve a happy mum.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Time to get legal advice, I’m afraid.

Original poster
NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:09

Because I'm the one making that decision to tear the family apart.

My children are my soul - how do I not have them with me every single day...

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 18/12/2023 23:17

No no. You have this all wrong.
He broke the family apart with cheating. You cannot possibly stay.

He did this. Not you

BitOutOfPractice · 18/12/2023 23:21

I’m prepared to bet you will have them with you every day if you split.

MasterBeth · 18/12/2023 23:24

“Up to no good” is minimising his behaviour. He’s broken your marriage with his shitty cheating.

Original poster
NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:27

But I don't know how I'd make it in their best interests to do so. I feel like I'd be completely selfish to break the family up.

I'm so conflicted and can't sleep.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 18/12/2023 23:30

You wouldn’t be breaking the family up. He has broken the family up with his vile behaviour.

Dotcheck · 18/12/2023 23:35

OP!!

You are allowed to be in a relationship where you are respected.
As a matter of fact, you would be doing your kids a favour. Have you considered how much it would mess them up to have parents who are together, but with this level of contempt occurring?
How would it affect their respect for women? Or more to the point- for you?

And who says divorce messes up kids? It really doesn’t have to

Rachaelrachael · 18/12/2023 23:37

You wouldn't be breaking the family up, he did that when he cheated/sent dick pics.
Honestly what's the alternative, a lifetime of putting up with this behaviour? He won't ever change and if you stay with him, you're telling him that you're willing to put up with his cheating. Do you want to be worrying about whether you've caught an STI everytime he sticks his dick somewhere new?
Get angry and kick him out, you deserve better.

Southpoint · 18/12/2023 23:40

What a pig he is. Leave him as he is not worth it.

Whatayearforme · 18/12/2023 23:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

frozendaisy · 18/12/2023 23:59

OP unless you are the one videoing your vagina in a cage this really isn't your fault.

He sounds odd. Like uurrggg oh my lord what the fuck are you doing odd.

MsDogLady · 19/12/2023 00:03

@NearlyHeadlessNick, the family is already broken and he is responsible for that via his adultery. He’s a serial cheat and his sleazy, unethical actions are all on him. He clearly feels entitled to chase cheap thrills and illicit sex, and is happy to steal your agency and potentially expose you to STIs.

Sticking with him would be a form of self-harm, as you will never have peace of mind. Are you actually willing to contort yourself to turn a blind eye to his disloyalty and non-monogamy?

Of great concern are the damaging lessons and dysfunctional relationship model your children will be learning. You all deserve better, don’t you?

Catoo · 19/12/2023 00:08

I’m sorry OP. He sounds foul.

LTB. Build a nice stable happy home for you and DC. They can still see him if he CBA.

You don’t want to run the risk of them seeing any of his proclivities by accident on home devices or walking in on things.

Also get STD checks and don’t sleep with him again. I think caged cock would have put me off for good anyway.

Don’t be embarrassed to ask friends and family for support. You can tell them about the cage and vibrator business and cheating. They will rally round, and if they are like my friends, will make me roar laughing about it one day.

💐

savethatkitty · 19/12/2023 00:09

Let me clear some things up for you.
1/ There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! At all.
2/ You are not the bad guy for chucking this loser.
3/ The bad guy in this scenario is the man who REPEATEDLY cheats & disrespect his wife & family. Not just once, but he willingly makes these choices over & over.
4/ There is no excuse for his behavior. Tired. Lack of sex drive. Poor body confidence after kids... None of those things excuse what he has done.
5/ If you stay, it will be mental torture forever, as you will constantly be wondering & he will do this to you again & again & again.
6/ You & your children deserve so much better than this.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/12/2023 00:28

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:09

Because I'm the one making that decision to tear the family apart.

My children are my soul - how do I not have them with me every single day...

Oh no ! He made that decision whene HE decide to put it elsewhere !
Kick him out and show your kids . Paneers can love then but not be together . Also teach them about respect .
You will meet someone else and next time don’t settle .

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/12/2023 00:30

It's in the children's best interests to live with a happy mum who is strong and independent and doesn't take any shit from faithless cheating bastards.

Weatherwax13 · 19/12/2023 00:40

OP you'll end up so depressed and anxious if you stay with this pig. That will be far worse for your DC.
Keeping an utterly miserable marriage together isn't in their best interests at all. He is an absolute bastard and HE is the one breaking up the family.

hoobanoobie · 19/12/2023 00:57

Two small kids, the absolute benefit of breaking this up is that they will be too young to remember the worst of it. He's already cheated, he's doing all of this. You need to step up and be the mother your children need. You can hold your head up and keep their lives stable. Regardless of what fuckery he's going to carry on with. Please don’t let this continue. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They need a stable happy environment and you're the only one who can provide that - on your own. He can sort visitation via family court.

cheeseandbranston · 19/12/2023 00:59

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:27

But I don't know how I'd make it in their best interests to do so. I feel like I'd be completely selfish to break the family up.

I'm so conflicted and can't sleep.

Is the bar on the actual floor?

There is zero question here. His behaviour disqualifies him from being your husband. Your children deserve a happy mum, who role models a decent standard of what it means to be in a loving relationship.

You won't be able to give them either of these things while you are with him.

Get him out as rapidly as you can with as minimal drama as you can, then go to therapy to work out how to make choices that give you the life you deserve.

Good luck x

hoobanoobie · 19/12/2023 01:00

How likely do you think he'll be to fight for access? Often these fucking losers won't go to extra mile to pay the fee for family court. Even if he does, you'll get a child arrangement order specifying that the children live with you. It will outline his contact specifically. Do you think he'd be likely to keep to a schedule for them?

JFDIYOLO · 19/12/2023 01:49

Is it him telling you you'll be the one splitting up the family, or is this your own voice?

Copy everything you've been advised here, op.

You won't be the bad guy - he is the one who committed adultery and creepy behaviour.

You won't be the one who breaks up the family - he already did this when he slept with someone else recently and is now sniffing around for more.

He has basically already left you.

So start considering your children, and protect them from this warped image of marriage, fatherhood and how a husband and father behaves.

And protect yourself too.

Create a decent future for you and your children.

Get some legal advice - see a solicitor.

coolkatt · 19/12/2023 03:38

MsDogLady · 19/12/2023 00:03

@NearlyHeadlessNick, the family is already broken and he is responsible for that via his adultery. He’s a serial cheat and his sleazy, unethical actions are all on him. He clearly feels entitled to chase cheap thrills and illicit sex, and is happy to steal your agency and potentially expose you to STIs.

Sticking with him would be a form of self-harm, as you will never have peace of mind. Are you actually willing to contort yourself to turn a blind eye to his disloyalty and non-monogamy?

Of great concern are the damaging lessons and dysfunctional relationship model your children will be learning. You all deserve better, don’t you?

this says it all really.
you must GET AWAY for the sake of your children's future.
this asshole does not give a fk about you or your kids.
run for the hills. your kids will thank you when they are old enough, i promise.
this man does not love respect or even like you.don't kid yourself. you know it's not you, it's him.
you have a broken home staying.

merrymelodies · 19/12/2023 04:22

You and your DC deserve so much better! Get rid of him. Don't torment yourself by feeling guilty or not good enough - this is his fault, not yours.

Nicole1111 · 19/12/2023 05:21

You deserve so much better than this. He has behaved appallingly.
Also, even with the best will in the world to protect them, children have a better understanding of situations than we ever give them credit for. Your children will sense unhappiness, tension etc between you and your husband and likely see him acting disrespectfully (I’m assuming this because I find it hard to believe he’s respectful in every other way when he has done this to you). Your children will also be setting a template for their adult relationships based on the one you have with your husband. It’s therefore important to consider if your desire to keep the family together in the interest of the children might therefore be harming them in the long run.

Swipe left for the next trending thread