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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband up to no good

43 replies

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:03

I have discovered husband has been swapping dirty vids/pics with some woman, no idea who she is.
Pictures of him using a vibrator with some cage thing over his penis, a video of her using a vibrator, and random pictures like pants, shower pics etc.
I'm really hurt - she also has a similar body type to me post baby, so I can't even say well it's a young, hot thing who doesn't have the post 2 babies sag to her tummy and breasts.
He slept with someone else a few months ago. He's also chatted people up before online but not acted on it previously.

What's wrong with me? I'm a nice person, ok I've been a bit too tired for much in the way of sex with 2 small kids but does that warrant unfaithfulness?
I'd be the bad guy for breaking the family up. Our poor children will have their lives ripped apart. I can't do that to them. They wouldn't even slightly understand.
How on earth do I get the self esteem to tell him to leave in comparison to the damage this will do to the children 😫

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 19/12/2023 05:51

Surely you don’t want your children to model their dads behavior… lie cheat share explicit videos?

Zanatdy · 19/12/2023 08:04

You selfish? Please stop thinking like this. Seriously the kids will suffer more growing up in a family of constantly arguing (as he will do this to you again) - trust me. Don’t let this be your life, constantly looking over your shoulder, checking his phone, wondering where he is. I’m sure you deserve better than this. Of course now he’s making you feel like you’d be ripping your family apart when it’s him who has done that

MilkChocolateCookie · 19/12/2023 08:06

You're NOT the selfish one here and it won't be you choosing to break up the family. He surely doesn't expect you to stay with him after this?

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 08:14

I'd be the bad guy for breaking the family up. Our poor children will have their lives ripped apart

no
he’s the one that broke the family not you
hes the one that broke the contact
not you

how and why should you stay married to someone who does this ? It’s going to be living hell and impossible to forgive

and the kids will be ok x

glassyhag · 19/12/2023 08:17

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:27

But I don't know how I'd make it in their best interests to do so. I feel like I'd be completely selfish to break the family up.

I'm so conflicted and can't sleep.

You are being treated appallingly. Your DH, their dad prioritised his cock and his self satisfaction above his families stability and long term success.

It's 100% in your children's best interests to get rid of this poor excuse of a man. I can promise you, children know when there is an atmosphere and when things are wrong. They are incredibly observant. And small children look to their parents for examples in how relationships are meant to be, they get the foundation building blocks from their parents and this determines hope much shit they themselves will put up with in later life.

Please, model to your children that you, and by default THEM, they , are worth more than being treated like garbage as his cock is his priority.

Aikko · 19/12/2023 08:19

glassyhag · 19/12/2023 08:17

You are being treated appallingly. Your DH, their dad prioritised his cock and his self satisfaction above his families stability and long term success.

It's 100% in your children's best interests to get rid of this poor excuse of a man. I can promise you, children know when there is an atmosphere and when things are wrong. They are incredibly observant. And small children look to their parents for examples in how relationships are meant to be, they get the foundation building blocks from their parents and this determines hope much shit they themselves will put up with in later life.

Please, model to your children that you, and by default THEM, they , are worth more than being treated like garbage as his cock is his priority.

Show quote history

^100% this.

You and your children deserve so much better.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 19/12/2023 08:40

The issue does not lay with you. He broke the vows, he tore his family apart and he is responsible for what is to come. You need to love yourself again. Put yourself 1st and do what makes you happy and you will find the strength to leave

BelowZero · 19/12/2023 08:47

That’s not true though. The decision was made for you by him. He did the dirty on you.
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour to treat a partner as he has treated you?

FartSock5000 · 19/12/2023 09:37

@NearlyHeadlessNick you've got this all wrong.

His being a weak, cowardly, lying cheat has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him.

Think about it. Shakira, Kylie and even Tess Daly have all been cheated on. These are all smart, successful and gorgeous woman. It just happens they all had one thing in common - choosing weak men.

You have to get rid of the rotter. Every day you stay, you are tearing yourself down.

Your children need a good role model. They will learn from you and its up to you to show them an example of a good, positive relationship. Don't teach them to stay with a lying cheat.

I know the thought of sharing custody and being on your own is scary but realistically, you know deep down your DH won't pull his weight an chances are he will be a "every other weekend" type.

You were a whole, complete person before you were with him and you can be again.

Cheating isn't love. Lying isn't love.

Original poster
NearlyHeadlessNick · 19/12/2023 13:38

Thank you very for your responses.

The cold light of day has helped me to see the reality of the situation and your responses have helped put things into perspective.

You're all absolutely right, I haven't been treated with any respect and I certain don't deserve to be walked over. You wouldn't think it, but I'm an intelligent, professional person and I wouldn't stand for being treated this way ordinarily.

I think my judgement has been entirely clouded by wanting to protect my children and entirely closet them from any uncomfort.

Thank goodness I'm working from home today and it's allowed me to have a few tears at the situation.

I certainly know in the depths of my soul that they need to be protected from having a skewed view of relationship and the idea of my daughter accepting this kind of treatment fills me with dread. I need to be the role model that they need to help them into their adult relationships, and I suppose, peer relationships too.

He's had ample opportunity to change and hasn't.

I'm going to get my ducks in a row before taking action. I'm going to use the next few days to get prepared and make a few lists

I guess I need to start the untangling of our finances and we run everything from a joint account.

I'm not saying anything to other people until the immediate days of Christmas are over, although I'll likely be having the discussion with husband before then, but firstly I want to set all of my thoughts out in writing.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 19/12/2023 15:09

Good for you. You deserve better than the shocking dregs of a relationship this man is willing to give.

Your children will be fine. Divorce doesn't have to wreck things for them. I firmly believe my DCs are in a better place than they would be if I hadn't divorced my Ex.

Stay strong. You deserve better. Keep reminding yourself what advice you'd give to your adult daughter if she was in your shoes.

goody2shooz · 19/12/2023 15:20

@NearlyHeadlessNick well, if you write stuff down, make sure it’s kept somewhere he can’t access it. Do you HAVE to speak with him about things? Perhaps don’t tell him your plans, this man is not your friend. Make your lists, speak to a lawyer, make plans and don’t try to be ‘nice’ or necessarily even ‘fair’. HE did this, HE cheated and lied, so you accept no blame for HIS actions.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 19/12/2023 15:48

Don't discuss it with him.
All that will do is give him warning to siphon off / hide money if he can.
You work out where everything is and what you should have, take chips off everything before you alert him to your dissatisfaction.

It is ok to grieve for the family you wanted your kids to have. And if they could have parents who have them a shared home with a culture of mutual respect and love then it's ok to see that as ideal and regret they don't get that... But you have taken that away.

You can build a life modelling real love and support for them without him in the home however. You do get to do that.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Catoo · 19/12/2023 18:32

Well done OP

Agree with PP about not playing your hand too soon. My friend was too open with her now ex and it gave him too much time to hide business interests, assets and money and she was left with very little. A few months after the divorce he suddenly bought a 4 bedroom house and a fancy car. Oh and over a decade later he still owes thousands in CS.

Put yourself and DC first

Original poster
NearlyHeadlessNick · 19/12/2023 18:40

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm in a fortunate post in that I know more about our finances than him - he's typically left all of that stuff to me. We don't have much in the way of savings for him to syphon anywhere - but that's having a child in nursery for you!

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 19/12/2023 18:54

Do you really want your sons to grow up to cheat on their wives and your daughters to grow up thinking that it's normal and right to stay with a cheating man?
Do not use your children as an excuse., because staying for them is hurting them.

ProfTeeCee · 19/12/2023 22:59

NearlyHeadlessNick · 18/12/2023 23:09

Because I'm the one making that decision to tear the family apart.

My children are my soul - how do I not have them with me every single day...

Errrr, nope! HE made the decision to jeopardise the family when he started putting cages on his bits and sleeping with other women.
Get rid of him stat.

Tonight1 · 19/12/2023 23:13

Eeks, don't stay. Time to get organised.

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