Interfaith Marriages/Christian & Muslim

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Hi all. Getting married to my fiancé next year (he is Muslim and I am Christian). We have spoken about most ‘obvious’ cultural differences and seem at peace with our decisions/discussions. But what do you find are the biggest challenges in interfaith relationships/marriages and any advice?

When you say you are a Christian, are you a practising Christian in terms of faith or a Christian by culture/tradition i.e. Church of England hatches, matches and dispatches?

Hi Copernicus321, to be honest I was christened when I was young but I do not go to church regularly nor read the bible etc so probably by ‘culture’ and ‘tradition’ . I am still confused about my religion/beliefs.

The biggest challenges imo are around children and inlaws, usually mixed together.

I'm not delighted to have to admit this but when I found out I was pregnant with a boy my first reaction was 'oh no' because I knew dh (dp at the time) would want him to be circumcised.

If you are not a practicing Christian then I'm not sure it'll have too much of an impact on your marriage. You might find you do return to your faith though over time as can and does happen with any of us. For example (not the same) I was non practicing Protestant when I married my Catholic husband. Over a great many years I learned more and more and made an informed decision to be confirmed Catholic. I will say that sharing our faith as a family has enriched our lives greatly in a way I couldn't have imagined all those years ago. I love that we share the same faith. But it can also work out when you are different faiths from each other. I would encourage you both to remain open minded, respectful of each other including beliefs, and truly learn about each others beliefs as you go along. You might both learn something you never knew and there can be good in that for you both.

This is how I do feel slightly now. We have discussed it and I have reluctantly agreed to circumcise if we do have a boy, but very sadly so and I am not sure if I can be present for the procedure? How did you navigate the situation PermanentTemporary?

I could never agree to circumcise a baby so hard to advise but if you're reluctantly agreeing then it would suggest there's more exploration to be made before you marry each other. You need to be on the same page as each other when it comes to parenting and that is a massive decision to not fully agree on. I hadn't considered it when I answered as forgot it's something that would come up for you sorry.

Maybe explore exactly what other expectations there may be. Many moons ago I worked for a family that circumcised the boys as babies. I respected that then and still do for Jews that believe. But threads in here would tell me that's wrong. But tbh the kids were oblivious then normal in their peer group.

Hi OP, I would say to you that Islam will probably end up being the dominant religion. I’ve found with my male Muslim friends that they become more religious when married and those in mixed marriages absolutely want their kids to be Muslim (I get that feeling from your fiance to around the circumsision). I have a female Muslim friend in a mixed marriage and her kids are also Muslim.

I suppose what I’m saying is you need to be happy with bringing your kids up as Muslim. It’s likely you’ll have to conform to certain things (especially around in-laws). Also around food.

Well, I guess it's a matter of his family and how conservative is his culture and upbringing? You have your modernists who seek to reconcile their Islamic faith with more liberal and progressive values and then you have those who are more orthodox. The former would like you to convert, the other would be a necessity.

Personally I've never had a problem with Islam, theologically speaking it makes more sense. I'm at ease with the thought of Jesus as a prophet (who was born of Maryam who was pure). The thing is, scripture in Arabic is all too unfamiliar, it's not my cultural tradition.

Honestly? It's the single biggest regret I have in my life that I allowed that to happen. I agreed before my son was born as after all dp was a man who was telling me he was happy to be circumcised, so I felt it wasn't allowed as a woman to say I didn't want it to be done. I thought I needed to prove that I was willing to make concessions to dp's culture to prove my love. I almost distracted myself by insisting it be done by a doctor and getting involved in finding one who would do it.

But handing over my baby for it to be done was -

I don't want to upset anyone for whom circumcision is important. But I am so angry and ashamed that I allowed it on my very small baby. And no, the mother is never in the room for it to be done, because if she were, it would never fucking happen. In my darkest moments I think of it as a pure misogynist power play.

If you are not sure, try pushing back against circumcision and see how your dp reacts. It should tell you a lot.

So I am married to a Muslim. It all depends, how conservative is his family and do they live nearby ? We do live in UK but his family not. Also I have been drinking alcohol Infront his brothers and sisters ( some of them drink but not all of them ) before getting married. We have Christian images in our home along with the Coran. We do fast in Ramadan and he comes to church with me on Easter and Christmas. I am like you more traditionally Christian than practicing but I like our traditions. Before we get married we agreed our kids will not get baptised but will be raised seen both the religions of their parents and they can choose to be whatever they want ( of course he expressed he would be happy if they were Muslim but he doesn't mind). They can get baptised later in life if they decide , I would personally be happier of if they don't follow any religion. Islam is a more spiritual religion with stronger traditions than the ones I have so could be eventually it is the dominant for our kids but I wouldn't mind as far as is their choice. The circumsion was a big no for me but for him is not just because of religion but because that is how he is too.. Also in USA boys get circumsized anyway regardless religion and my brother had to do it older for medical reasons. So at the end of the day is not the end of the world but is not something I am super happy about. I would prefer our kid to decide but then would be more hard.Also none of my circumsized friends ever told me they would prefer the opposite.

Good luck OP is nice to blend but please make clear your limits. For example I have said I will never stop eating pork or drinking alcohol but we don't cook pork at home and would raise our kids not to eat.

Also to add we agreed not to have a religious wedding so we just did a civil one in UK .

I've not been in this situation myself but some relatives and friends have. My honest belief is that it isn't worth the compromises. You may well feel you won't have to male any but I've not come across a woman in this situation that hasn't. I don't mean to be upsetting so apologies if I have upset you but I think it's easier to go into a situation with your eyes wide open.

In the first example I have a relative who would not consider himself a practicing Muslim, he doesn't keep halal, pray or anything else. He has only ever married white women and as he has never practiced they were raised atheist but celebrated Christmas (more culturally i guess). They are lovely but as kids they didn't understand why they couldn't eat ham sandwiches when visiting our house and that their behaviour such as drinking alcohol is not permissable to us so I'd prefer not to meet up in bars or a pub for a meal (some Muslims have no issue with this but I do). They lived in a very white area too so we were the only Muslims they really had contact with and I would say it's only now that they understand that being Muslim affects how we speak, how we live, the way we present ourselves, the clothes we wear, the food we eat, basically for me at least it is all encompassing.

The other kept halal, but was not someone who regularly prayed and followed more cultural practices than religious beliefs, for instance he would go to pray on Eid but not any other day. His girlfriend thought that would continue once they had kid. They had one, he decided he wanted the baby to be raised Muslim and that means more than just eating halal food. He wanted an Arabic name for his child, for him to be raised in accordance with Islamic principles and he got closer to God himself. Basically he changed the goalposts on her (and no i font think this was fair). She had never researched or discussed the differences between cultural practices or religious beliefs with him and thought they would carry on as they were. She rejected it all (as was her right) they split, the kid got passed from pillar to post. His white grandad was racist towards him whilst the asian grandad did not treat him in the same way as his other grandchildren. His other asian family were always loving and welcoming but it is confusng for kids. The kid is grown now and lives a 'white british' lifestyle and has very little to do with his asian family because he doesn't feel he fits in.

@PermanentTemporary Noone had the right to stop you from being present at least in a religious capacity. Culturally it might not be the done thing but it depends which country your partner is from. Had my dh turned around and said this to me I would have walked out with my boy and I am a Muslim mother.

I'm an atheist with a Muslim partner. He has become more observation as we have had children. The children attend Quran school on a Sunday. I pepper conversations with my understanding of the world without God in it.
circumcision is not required and is a cultural rather than religious practice. We have not circumcised our boys. They can opt to do it as adults.

I knew dh (dp at the time) would want him to be circumcised.

I'm lucky in that my Muslim ex did not want our son to be circumcised.

We are still in touch with the family (divorced for ever) and they have both Muslim and Christians in the family. West Africa.

My mum is Muslim, my dad Christian.

Take these things into account, especially if you have kisa:

If you have a son, would you agree on whether or not to circumcise to circumcise him?

Wouls you agree on whether or not to baptize them?

Is the dad adamant about halal food? If you can accommodate that, will the grandparents too, or will that be a source of arguments between you and your fiance?

If you and your fiance are of different origins, are you fully aware of the differences? Do you know about the expectations he has (in regards to your in laws, finances, living situation) and does he know about yours?

Are you happy to celebrate eid? Is he happy to celebrate Christmas?

What religious expectations are there for your children?

Wish you the best in your marriage.

For what it's worth (I'm not saying its right or wrong) my DP is circumcised and from a Christian tradition (his British parents spent a lot of time in the US where most men are). He says he doesn't think about it, it's never been a bother to him, he's fine with it. It was performed when he was just a few weeks old and has no recollection of the procedure.

The problem, OP, is that other people's experiences of mixed marriages tell you nothing about how your own might turn out.

I agree with a pp that the arrival of children often crystallises cultural/religious preferences/desires/requirements/norms that hadn't really seemed important before - and that may be true for you as well as for him.

You can't know if your fiancé will become more orthodox/radical on becoming a husband and father; it certainly has happened many times before.

You're knowingly taking a risk, not just for yourself but also on behalf of your unborn children - particularly daughters, I would say. Islam in general does not have the greatest track record of respect for women.

Personally, in your situation I wouldn't risk it.

The circumcision issue is simple to address - when the child is old enough to make a decision for themselves, then they can get it done. Same as ear piercing etc.

Interfaith marriages can work very well with compromise on all sides, but the fact you've "reluctantly" agreed to circumcision's a red flag to me, making me wonder what kind of pressure's been exerted, what else it might be used about and whether you're with someone who's going to become steadily more orthodox over family matters

As a PP suggested it could be a useful test case to say you've changed your mind, see what the reaction is and make your decisions based on that

I would strongly advise against it because ultimately, it's you and your beliefs that will have to be compromised to accomodate Islamic beliefs which will lead to tension and resentment particularly if you have a daughter with him you will be surprised how strict he will be. I'm against circumcision unless for a genuine medical condition.
How are you ok with a religion that allows men to marry non Muslims but Muslim women can only marry Muslims? Do your own research on Islam.

My observation is Muslim guys when they are younger can be very laid back, not religious, might even drink, most likely commits Zena (sex out of wedlock), has a European girlfriend.. but once older they tend to become more strict and the more 'loose' he was in his youth, the stricter and more oppressive he ends up being on his wife and daughters.

My late partner was Jewish, I'm Christian. Neither of us were religious but we both at times found it harder than we expected to not give our kids the same cultural upbringing we had. For example as a child I loved carol concerts, nativity etc and I was surprised how much I missed sharing those little things. I know my partner felt the same about aspects of Judaism.

We had some issues with some in laws treating our children a little differently to their fully Jewish family, nothing explicit but I sometimes felt like their relationship was more like what you'd expect a stepchild to have with them, somehow just not quite as close.

Fortunately we were clear about being pretty secular from the start so we never considered circumcision, although I did have to deal with my bil arguing heavily in favour of it.

It's really important to thrash out how you'll bring up your children now, I have a Christian friend who is married to a Muslim and it's caused them a lot of issues culminating in a compromise whereby they are bringing their son up Muslim and daughter up Christian which I'm a bit - huh- at.

Christian married to a Hindu here.
I would say you need to front-load conversations about the role of his parents in your family unit. For example, does he expect them to move in with you one day? Will you be able to make decisions about your finances and raising of your children without excessive input from his parents?
I know Islam does have some guardrails around this, as I think a wife can demand separate living quarters from her in-laws, right?
I don't think my husband and I fully hashed this out before marriage and I really regret it. There is a clear religious conflict of interest in our case. Christianity states that a man leaves his family of origin and "cleaves" to his wife and they create a new unit, while Hinduism as I have experienced it emphasises a man's responsibility to his parents over a responsibility to his wife. As a Christian it's still very important to support, love and respect your parents and in-laws, but there is a clear biblical boundary here - you shouldn't be letting them call the shots in your marriage. In my husband's culture and religion, the primary loyalty is to his folks and not to the new family unit that we have created.
We had a Christian ceremony and had planned to have a Hindu one too but COVID put paid to that. Right now, I don't feel like he fully understood the Christian vows he was signing up for, as I'm now in a marriage where I'm the third person along with him and my MIL. Her influence on everything on everything in our marriage is outside and suffocating. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I hope I have not offended any Hindus on here but being inaccurate or disrespectful, I'm just saying what has happened to me.
I'm not sure if any of this is relevant in your case, and all intercultural marriages are as unique as the couple involved.

@Inkypot

I could never agree to circumcise a baby

Me neither. It would be a deal breaker. OP, why should his 'culture' trump yours? Is he going to have you wearing a head scarf? And not going out unless he gives permission? It starts with one thing, and before you know it you're under his thumb.