Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Interfaith Marriages/Christian & Muslim

37 replies

stickytoffee95 · 18/12/2023 23:01

Hi all. Getting married to my fiancé next year (he is Muslim and I am Christian). We have spoken about most ‘obvious’ cultural differences and seem at peace with our decisions/discussions. But what do you find are the biggest challenges in interfaith relationships/marriages and any advice?

OP posts:

Namechangedworriedmama · 19/12/2023 13:56

Olinguita · 19/12/2023 13:28

Christian married to a Hindu here.
I would say you need to front-load conversations about the role of his parents in your family unit. For example, does he expect them to move in with you one day? Will you be able to make decisions about your finances and raising of your children without excessive input from his parents?
I know Islam does have some guardrails around this, as I think a wife can demand separate living quarters from her in-laws, right?
I don't think my husband and I fully hashed this out before marriage and I really regret it. There is a clear religious conflict of interest in our case. Christianity states that a man leaves his family of origin and "cleaves" to his wife and they create a new unit, while Hinduism as I have experienced it emphasises a man's responsibility to his parents over a responsibility to his wife. As a Christian it's still very important to support, love and respect your parents and in-laws, but there is a clear biblical boundary here - you shouldn't be letting them call the shots in your marriage. In my husband's culture and religion, the primary loyalty is to his folks and not to the new family unit that we have created.
We had a Christian ceremony and had planned to have a Hindu one too but COVID put paid to that. Right now, I don't feel like he fully understood the Christian vows he was signing up for, as I'm now in a marriage where I'm the third person along with him and my MIL. Her influence on everything on everything in our marriage is outside and suffocating. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I hope I have not offended any Hindus on here but being inaccurate or disrespectful, I'm just saying what has happened to me.
I'm not sure if any of this is relevant in your case, and all intercultural marriages are as unique as the couple involved.

Correct about the living with in laws part.
That is not religious, it's cultural. Very common in East Asian cultures especially.

Many imams recommend that you live separately from your in laws for many reasons.
Islam also says that if you wanted to live with your in laws, your husband had to make sure you had your own space, including your own kitchen, which is extremely rare.

mindutopia · 19/12/2023 14:07

See a counsellor who specialises in interfaith couples for premarital counselling.

I’m Jewish and Dh is atheist. It’s absolutely essential that you are on the same page in terms of big cultural issues that will affect how you raise children and manage holidays/cultural traditions in your family.

There can be no being sad about a circumcision for example and just letting it happen and looking the other way. You both have to 100% be on board and enthusiastic about the religious and cultural choices you make for your relationship and your family, or you aren’t compatible and you shouldn’t marry.

We got married by a humanist minister and she was absolutely fab in getting us to think through how we’d make these decisions and how we’d feel about them. It was wonderful and one of the best things we did in terms of planning a life together.

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 14:10

Circumcision would be a hard no for me.

Sofita90 · 20/12/2023 00:07

@Puzzledandpissedoff Well my religion which is Christian orthodox doesn't allow to marry anyone outside the religion. The reason allows only men is because as per tradition the kids take the religion of the father. In any case I don't follow any religion but islam and Christianity have more similarities than differences

MaxTalk · 20/12/2023 01:10

I would be surprised if this works.

Coyoacan · 20/12/2023 02:25

BentLikeBeckham · 19/12/2023 13:13

My observation is Muslim guys when they are younger can be very laid back, not religious, might even drink, most likely commits Zena (sex out of wedlock), has a European girlfriend.. but once older they tend to become more strict and the more 'loose' he was in his youth, the stricter and more oppressive he ends up being on his wife and daughters.

Lots of Europeans are Muslims; it's a religion nor a race. My brother is an Irish Muslim.

vetintraining · 10/06/2024 13:44

Namechangedworriedmama · 19/12/2023 01:54

My mum is Muslim, my dad Christian.

Take these things into account, especially if you have kisa:

If you have a son, would you agree on whether or not to circumcise to circumcise him?

Wouls you agree on whether or not to baptize them?

Is the dad adamant about halal food? If you can accommodate that, will the grandparents too, or will that be a source of arguments between you and your fiance?

If you and your fiance are of different origins, are you fully aware of the differences? Do you know about the expectations he has (in regards to your in laws, finances, living situation) and does he know about yours?

Are you happy to celebrate eid? Is he happy to celebrate Christmas?

What religious expectations are there for your children?

Wish you the best in your marriage.

How were things like for you growing up? Do you find yourself with any religious conflict? Did you end up choosing your parents' faith? This is from a Muslim thinking about raising children in an interfaith household x

K8ate · 10/06/2024 14:51

stickytoffee95 · 18/12/2023 23:24

This is how I do feel slightly now. We have discussed it and I have reluctantly agreed to circumcise if we do have a boy, but very sadly so and I am not sure if I can be present for the procedure? How did you navigate the situation PermanentTemporary?

I understand that anaesthetic is not used in this procedure?

CurlewKate · 10/06/2024 17:23

Circumvision would be a big issue for me.

CurlewKate · 10/06/2024 17:25

Damn-zombie thread...

Pinkmagic1 · 10/06/2024 17:32

I was married to a Muslim man for 25 years. I married very young and compromised on many things. Our children have Muslim names, our son was circumcised and they we brung them up not eating pork.
I am divorced now, the main reason being his narcissistic and womanising tendancies which obviously have nothing to do with religion. However a huge clashing point was when out daughter reached her teens and he became over controlling towards her to the point of being abusive. It was one rule for her and another for her son. He basically tried to rule her life with an iron rod and she was not able to be a normal teenager. Part of this may have been his narcissistic character, but he blamed it on his religion and culture.

Copernicus321 · 10/06/2024 21:06

I think that culture is probably more key here than religion although that is also important. More than anything, Pakistan and Bangladesh society is culturally more conservative and patriarchal, then on top of this you layer on the religious aspect.

Flip

1 2