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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love being a mum and a single one now, but…

28 replies

OpheliaM · 18/12/2023 16:37

Husband left family last Christmas - having an affair - loved the OW and hated me to summarise. Nearly destroyed me in the process blaming his affair on my shortcomings so much so I literally couldn’t see what he was doing. Through therapy I have realised this was abuse and I’m moving forward without him. We have two beautiful children, five and two and this is where the issue lies. Since the separation, he only wants to see them in the daytime although will frequently keep them out until after 7pm but then leave them home tired and over stimulated for bedtime. Overnights have been tried but three times now he has brought them home at 10pm in their pyjamas saying they wouldn’t settle! I am absolutely happy to have my children in their own beds: that is not the issue. The issue being is that is just sees himself as someone who takes them out for while and I do the parenting.
I feel so sad for us all as I just didn’t see this being my children’s life. Husband frequently asks to keep them later and later but won’t do overnights, early mornings. It’s just irks me that some people think it acceptable to just throw in the towel when it comes their responsibilities.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 18/12/2023 16:43

Ahh op
they are so tiny now and this will change

but yeah it must totally feel like the shitty end of the stick
when do you get nights out and time for yourself ?

they won’t settle is BS
how do we make them settle ? We lie there and talk to them till they fall asleep x

AuntMarch · 18/12/2023 16:44

Mine does go to his dad over nights, but only 2 in 14 and only weekends, so still just the "fun bits" and it is irritating! He doesn't have to think about washing school uniform, making sure there's food for packed lunches, checking book bag, remembering donations, covering sick days... he doesn't even take the full amount extra I offer him in the holidays! I work term time so it's not a childcare issue, but he gets to take holiday when he wants, I should get some to myself too! I've told him he's having 4 nights in February. I've got friends who would bite their ex wives hands off for more contact so it just annoys me. He doesn't live close enough to do school runs unfortunately, and I don't want to have no weekend time, so not much I can do about it!

I just tell myself it is better than copareting with someone who has a different style and trying to 50/50!

Epidote · 18/12/2023 16:49

He is probably now doing as little as he did before when you were together. Don't worry, any extra minutes they are with you is creating a bigger bond.

They will grow and see him by his true colours, it is very likely that the relationship between them and your ex will fade or disappear once they are teens.
I got work colleagues that haven't spoke with their dad since they were 15 or so years and they are late 30s.

Do your best for them as you are doing and enjoy all the beautiful moments you can create together. Childhood doesn't last forever.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 16:55

Is he paying full CM then, since he does no over nights?

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 16:59

I'd ask to use a parenting app for Comms. Or an email.

I'd state the kids bedtimes and note every time he brings them back not in time for them.

All kept very factual.

Exloserseadbeatdadcheater; X and ys bedtimes are x o'clock, could you please bring them back by X time?

When he fails to do so ..... The kids were returned at X time last night, just to reiterate could you bring bring them back by X time in future?

Again and again. He's bound to notice you're creating a record.

He'll start to twig this might be being noted for a future purpose and might stop taking the piss to such an extent.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 17:02

Overnights have been tried but three times now he has brought them home at 10pm in their pyjamas saying they wouldn’t settle

Refer to those incidents too.

Or at the very least log them.

Original poster
OpheliaM · 18/12/2023 17:07

Thanks everyone. It is most definitely not the work I am doing as mum which I resent, I love being their mum and it is the most important thing I do but I work full time, we have three family pets and life is just so busy and it feels like ex husband is just swanning around like a single man, which of course he is now and that funnily enough doesn’t bother me at all, it’s the lack of responsibilities for his children. He blames the lack of overnights on me implying somehow they are too attached to me. Although I waved them goodbye for numerous overnights and encouraged only for them to arrive back home in their pjs. Everything is always my fault.

OP posts:
Globules · 18/12/2023 17:08

I'm sorry to hear that your ex is being a shit.

My ex was, and still is, a shit over his children. Happy to go periods of months not seeing his daughter, as she doesn't want to. He fails to see that she doesn't want to because he didn't pursue her when he and I split.

It doesn't get better. You can't force him to take them more. You can evidence what is happening though, as they're so young.

It's a horrid situation to be in. Us mum's grieve for what our children should be having with a father who cares for them.

Original poster
OpheliaM · 18/12/2023 17:08

No - no CM - he’s self employed so is very difficult in that regard. So I’m juggling home, children on one wage and he’s just bought himself a new car. 😞

OP posts:
thatwassociopathic · 18/12/2023 17:13

You need a separation agreement and you need to take yourself out the equation when he has them. He is trying to make sure you can't have a life and he's succeeding. Mark my words as someone who is in year 2 of this hell, put your foot down and stick to your guns or hell continue to control this situation and hence you forever. Also do it now while your kids are young, mine are much older and it's MESSY

thatwassociopathic · 18/12/2023 17:13

Ie don't be available for him to bring them back

Original poster
OpheliaM · 18/12/2023 17:17

I wish it were as easy as that. He would have no qualms with driving our children home and knocking on the door and proclaiming loudly oh mummy isn’t here, what will we do now whilst my children get more upset. Each time he has dropped them back, he hasn’t once called beforehand to check I’m there: he doesn’t care about their feelings hence why I feel I have to stay in as them arriving home to a locked house would be distressing.

OP posts:
melmos · 18/12/2023 17:22

On the plus said op thank god you aren't married to this awful man anymore. He sounds absolutely horrific.

You sound amazing and it sounds incredibly tough situation xxx

Mel363 · 18/12/2023 17:26

Couldn’t you inform both children and ex that you will be staying away for the evening so they know beforehand you won’t be home? Why won’t the children stay with him?

Original poster
OpheliaM · 18/12/2023 17:51

My children are so young and informing them that I will not be in when their father decides to drop them back at 10pm would be equally traumatising. I have an inkling he doesn’t want me to have a life, at all which is ironic considering he was the one having an affair. Deep breaths until they’re sixteen.

OP posts:
Thatswhy11 · 18/12/2023 18:09

How old is the youngest child? He doesn't sound great. He needs to be paying too persue CMS, ask for a mandatory review and get the courts involved if that's what it takes! The judge will ask your ex to provide proof of earnings!

RoséProsecco · 18/12/2023 18:15

I'd just be out, seriously.

I'd write to him/email saying that going forwards that it's not an option to return the children for failing to settle.

Don't be his option - he is absolutely taking the piss.

RoséProsecco · 18/12/2023 18:16

And he's been a manipulative controlling prick too.

thatwassociopathic · 19/12/2023 06:45

If he knows you're away he's not going to bring them back, you're making a rod for your own back here. Even if he does bring them back, that'll soon wear thin when you're not there and he has to just take them home. Your kids are young and resilient, they're not going to be traumatised for life by having to sleep over at their dads. He'll need to step up and settle them. It sounds like he may have a point tbf as you're feeding into their attachment to you. They need to learn he's 50% responsible for them and to take comfort from him too. You need to let go a bit and make him step up. I know it's hard, I've been in your shoes but you're being a martyr.

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 07:53

Deep breaths until they’re sixteen

no ! I’d say a 2024 project is to develop better boundaries with this ex

I know it’s hard but you need a break and to have your own respite and life too

and he needs to pay CMS

things can and do change

Moviem · 19/12/2023 08:17

Your kids won’t be ‘traumatized’ that you aren’t home when you’ve already explained to them you won’t be.

you need a life of your own

Original poster
OpheliaM · 19/12/2023 10:38

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately you don’t know my ex. He won’t just drive the children back to him, reassuring them - he would ensure they were worried about where I was. Why drive them home at 10pm in their pjs without even asking if I’m home? Because he could and will do it regardless of how they feel. I feel guilted in to wanting to protect my children who are already suffering at the emotional manipulation of their father.

OP posts:
RoséProsecco · 19/12/2023 12:34

Oh I have been there with the emotion manipulation! These swines know exactly what they are doing & exploiting your weaknesses. He is doing this through the children - at their ages they should not be involved in arrangements.

Only communicate in writing, and set out that it's not acceptable & you won't be in/available.

You need really strong boundaries for Fuckwitt's like that.

Do you have a written/court agreement?

If not you need one & both of you to stick with it.

bjjgirl · 19/12/2023 12:45

What you don't challenge you reinforce- don't be in.

Or prepare yourself for a 16 years of this crap.

thatwassociopathic · 19/12/2023 19:26

Believe me I do know your ex, I'm taking my 15 year old for counseling tomorrow because of one the same. Separation agreement or court order if he doesn't stick to that. Stand up to him now and slam down boundaries, calling in whatever help you need from authorities. You need to stand up to him or he will rule your life for the next 16 years. Take heed or don't, wish I had!

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