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Original poster

Co-worker touchy feely sitch

38 replies

Dumbedumdedum · 18/12/2023 13:05

Hello people in my phone!

I have a situation with a co-worker I'd like some advice on and I don't have anyone I can discuss it with!

I get on with all my co-workers but she is the one I get on with best.

I am a lesbian and everyone I work with is aware of that. My co-worker is straight, married and has a couple of teen kids. She is approx 10 years older than me.

In the last few months my co-worker has started becoming quite touchy feely with me. We only see each other once a week in the office and as far as I can tell she does touch other colleagues on the arm.
However, if we are in close proximity she will touch and leave her hand on my thigh and sometimes squeeze it (high up with her fingers sliding between my legs. she will touch my arm and gently punch me if we're having a joke. She rubs my back and will touch my lower back when walking.

As a team we socialise a few times a year out of work (Xmas, birthdays, weddings etc) and once she has had a drink she will hug me all the time (in the office she says she doesn't like hugs) and she'll kiss my cheeks (face 😉) relentlessly (some kisses literally on the edge of my lips)
I've seen her husband watching us very closely when she's kissing me.
She also teases me a lot.

At a recent retirement party she sat next to me and had her leg pressed up against mine for most of the evening (there would have been space for her not to have her leg resting against mine). At the start of the evening I noticed someone tapping my knee so asked 'whose tapping my knee' thinking someone didn't realise they were doing it and she just turned and smirked at me.

She messages me at work most days and will usually txt me in the evenings several times a week.

I never touch her back, other than a hug goodbye at work social events, which I do with all co-workers.
I don't have an issue with her touching me as I feel very comfortable in her presence. I do realise a lot of people would be uncomfortable with it though!

As a lesbian I am hyper aware of not making females feel uncomfortable and I'd never want anyone to think I was making a move on them!
So I'm not really sure why she acts the way she does, is it a friendship thing? Does she crave attention and think because I'm gay I'll give it to her? Does she find me attractive? Is it a 'motherly'/ caring type thing as she's older?

As far as I'm aware she is happily married and my feelings for her are purely platonic.

I guess I just don't really know how to act in this situation...if it's a friendship /caring thing then that's fine but if it's anything else I'll have to try and add a little distance between us - I don't want to end up in a tricky / awkward situation in the work place!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 18/12/2023 13:08

Do what you'd do if she was a man touching you.

Tell her to stop.

Don't do that. It's not appropriate.

Please stop. I don't like it.

You need to stop touching me.

Get your hands off me.

Report to HR.

WitcheryDivine · 18/12/2023 13:25

I think she either is hoping to explore another side of her sexuality with you or wants attention, as you say.

Either way it sounds bloody weird and uncomfortable, I would HATE to have colleagues kissing me on the face or most of the other stuff you mentioned, especially with their partner glowering at me as well! And like you I'm pretty relaxed usually with physical contact where there is no weird "vibe".

In your situation I would get up and move away, she needs to get the message that while you are colleagues and possibly friends, you are not interested in her using you as a handy lesbian/bi flirtation prop. If she questions this, just tell her you're not really into people touching you.

Epidote · 18/12/2023 13:28

Tell her to stop she is exceeding all the limits there.

Watchkeys · 18/12/2023 13:44

'Caroline, I'm not really comfortable with all this physical contact. Could you stop, please?'

It's not complicated. It's your body, so you're responsible for making sure it's treated right. Tell her, and if she doesn't respect your wishes, stay away from her or report her. Nobody has to put up with their physical boundaries being crossed, and especially not in professional settings/with colleagues.

I don't have an issue with her touching me

If this was the case, you wouldn't be posting. Stop minimising your feelings. She's making you uncomfortable.

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 13:49

If you didn't have an issue, you wouldn't be thinking so much about it, let alone typing out a thread.

Either tell her to stop, or just move away every.single.time.

She doesn't have a right to do this to anyone.

GimpMasksAndWagonWheels · 18/12/2023 13:54

Completely inappropriate and yes, you need to be vocal.

If it was just when her husband was nearby, I'd guess they'd both had a few fantasy conversations about inviting another female into their bed and because you're a lesbian you're obviously up for anything like this 🙄

Still inappropriate, still not something you have to put up with.

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 13:54

Why are you allowing this.

You don't need to make a massive drama and recoil in horror, simply move away and say, "Don't do that, I don't like it."

WallaceinAnderland · 18/12/2023 13:56

Tell her to stop. Why wouldn't you?

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 14:01

Well she's a disgusting old letch isn't she? If you were posting this about a man not a single person would tell you it's OK. Just because she's female doesn't excuse how massively inappropriate and creepy she's being. It wouldn't suprise me if her and her husband are after a threesome. Yuck.

Tempnamechng · 18/12/2023 14:15

My dd could be you, and I would hate it if she was put in this position. I don't like the sound of your colleague and agree with pp that she is using you as a sort of prop, and thinks she can get away with it because she is a woman. You aren't some sort of experiment, and she needs to start treating you more respectfully. You just need to say "don't do that". Be blunt, direct and unapologetic.

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 16:28

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 14:01

Well she's a disgusting old letch isn't she? If you were posting this about a man not a single person would tell you it's OK. Just because she's female doesn't excuse how massively inappropriate and creepy she's being. It wouldn't suprise me if her and her husband are after a threesome. Yuck.

So much conjecture here. So much shaming. This woman is tactile, and OP says she is possibly like this with everyone. It's a big jump from there to 'disgusting old letch'.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/12/2023 17:21

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 16:28

So much conjecture here. So much shaming. This woman is tactile, and OP says she is possibly like this with everyone. It's a big jump from there to 'disgusting old letch'.

Show quote history

And if you think it's OK for a man or woman to slide their hand between a woman's thighs at work and unasked, you have serious issues with how you perceive healthy boundaries.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/12/2023 17:25

What did you do/say when she slid her hand in between your thighs?!

You need to tell her to stop or make a point of moving away or not sitting near her if you don't want to report her to HR,I know what I'd do!

IncompleteSenten · 19/12/2023 17:29

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 16:28

So much conjecture here. So much shaming. This woman is tactile, and OP says she is possibly like this with everyone. It's a big jump from there to 'disgusting old letch'.

Show quote history

Is it?

This person touches other colleagues on the arm. However, with the OP the physical contact is far more intimate. This person has begun to touch the OPs thigh. They slide their fingers between the OPs thighs and squeeze the OPs thigh. They rest their hand on the OPs thigh and leave it ther e.

They rub the OPs back and touch the OPs lower back as they walk together.

If this colleague has had a few drinks, they begin to hug and kiss the OP on the cheeks and at the edge of the lips and 'teases' the OP.

The OP says the colleague's spouse watches very closely as this happens (implication being the spouse is getting off on it)

At a recent party the colleague sat next to OP and kept their leg pressed against OPs most of the time despite there being plenty of room so it wasn't a space issue.

That all sounds pretty lecherous to me.

Baconking · 19/12/2023 17:31

I wouldn't assume the co-worker's DH is getting off on it. I think he might be suspicious of an affair. I wonder of she talks about OP alot at home

olympicsrock · 19/12/2023 17:51

Sounds awful to me. You need to say something.

MrsJPinkman · 19/12/2023 17:53

Do you fancy her?

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2023 17:55

As far as I'm aware she is happily married and my feelings for her are purely platonic.

“Kate, I’m really not comfortable with the way you’ve been touching and kissing me recently. You’re married and my feelings towards you are purely platonic as a colleague I get on with. I’d like it to stay that way, and I really don’t want our other colleagues to get any different ideas, so I’d prefer it didn’t happen any more.”

It’s not okay for her to put you in the sort of position she has.

Dery · 19/12/2023 18:01

Wow - this kind of touching is well beyond the bounds of acceptable. As PP have said - if she were a man, no-one would think it’s okay for him to be doing this kind of thing. Her husband may suspect an affair or she and he may be looking for a threesome with you but whatever the explanation she is taking massive liberties. Even if you were in a relationship, she shouldn’t be touching you like that in the office (and I speak as someone who met her husband at work - we kept the touchy-feely stuff for when we were in private!).

EarthSight · 19/12/2023 18:03

WallaceinAnderland · 18/12/2023 13:56

Tell her to stop. Why wouldn't you?

Why doesn't everyone tell the other person to stop?

Because it's often not that simple, and the recipient / victim of such behaviour often fears some kind of retaliation if they do so.

EarthSight · 19/12/2023 18:04

MrsJPinkman · 19/12/2023 17:53

Do you fancy her?

Are you looking for a thigh rubbing story there? 🙄

Ladyj84 · 19/12/2023 18:09

Erm be normal and say stop if you don't like it. If it's making you uncomfy why let it go on for so long

Wishimaywishimight · 19/12/2023 18:13

She is behaving outrageously but I can't fathom how you are passively allowing someone to kiss you and touch you repeatedly without telling them to stop. Putting her hand on your thigh and between your legs?? "Can you take your hands off me please" would do the trick.

MILTOBE · 19/12/2023 18:21

Tell her to get her hands off you! Was her husband watching in a getting-off-on-it kind of way or as though he was worried she and you were up to something?

Watchkeys · 19/12/2023 18:27

@IncompleteSenten

That all sounds pretty lecherous to me

So we disagree.

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