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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My jealousy will kill my relationship

27 replies

551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 12:58

Why do I get so jealous about the time my partner spends with other people? It will destroy us.
This last weekend I could feel that my need for attention was stifling my partner and I know I need to give her space.
She went out Friday night until the early hours and Saturday night until 3am with friends for Christmas while I looked after the kids. I'm not one for going out partying although I wasn't invited on these occasions. I was happy to look after the kids. Friday was fine but I got so jealous on Saturday night when I started getting selfies of her touching tongues with another woman. I am so ashamed but I started drinking when I was looking after the kids and wouldn't have been in much of a good state had they woken up. By the time my partner got back at 3 am I was not happy she arrived back with 6 friends and I was drunk enough to chat to her in the kitchen and tell her our relationship was over despite not meaning a word of it.
We spoke about it in the morning because she announced to her friends what I had said.
I can see my partner loves her time out with her friends and I love our time together alone far more than I'd love time out with friends. It's limited though because of 5 kids between us. I'm so deflated and regret getting drunk while the kids were in my care asleep - I let down myself, my partner and the kids - all the people I love because I was jealous and it was completely unacceptable.
I need to stop this jealousy and stop the need for so much attention. It's going to kill what we've got which most of the time is amazing - as a couple on limited occasions and as a family and blended family. I need to act differently before I lose everything I love 😞😪

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 18/12/2023 13:03

In my world, "touching tongues" is just kissing. So that's cheating. So perfectly reasonable for you to be upset.

Quartz2208 · 18/12/2023 13:10

Who tells you that. Going out and leaving you with both your and her children two nights in a row, touching tongues and bringing back friends is something we would ask react to. How much attention do you need

Almondmum · 18/12/2023 13:12

I wouldn't be happy if my husband was out getting pissed both nights of the weekend and sending me pictures of him kissing someone else.

She's taking the absolute piss. And has apparently managed to convince you that you're the problem.

Original poster
551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 13:32

The biggest issue for me is that I got drunk when I was looking after the kids. That WAS unacceptable in my book. Quite rightly my partner thought it was unacceptable too. I was upset she told me so in front of her friends though.
I didn't like the "touching tongues" photos- my partner insists it wasn't kissing and only because she got so drunk. I hated them and felt jealous straight away - to be totally honest though I was just as jealous that she would rather two nights out in a row with friends when we get limited time together. Somebody above asked how much attention I want - I do hug and touch a lot if I'm honest but that's me feeling close to my partner. I do hold hands walking and I do expect time together each month (an evening out each month).
Two things - I can't get what I did getting drunk out of my head as I've never done it before and haven't been drunk since I was 18! I'm not a big drinker. I can't get the pictures of my partner and the other woman out of my head.

OP posts:
FPCculture · 18/12/2023 13:46

find a hobby and more friends mate, your behaviour will only push her away. I thought you were the woman in this initially. Do not be so needy, it's could to feel wanted but when it becomes like this, do not be shocked when she packs up.

FPCculture · 18/12/2023 13:48

"she arrived back with 6 friends" "when I started getting selfies of her touching tongues with another woman"

What kind of lifestyle do you lot have and you say you have 5 kids? i expect this from teenagers, what example does she show your kids? and you getting drunk in the house whilst watching the kids|?

you two need to mature very very quick

LouMorris · 18/12/2023 13:48

OP, are you female too? I think if your partner is gay and touching tongues with another woman that would feel very different to someone heterosexual doing it (although obviously that’s not always the case)

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 13:49

FGS, for the sake of your kids, end this toxic relationship and focus on yourself and your children.

Vuurhoutjies · 18/12/2023 13:53

So you're jealous if she goes out at all.

And she cheats on you while she's out - I honestly can't see how tongue touching isn't cheating. Or, if it's about being silly then it's just insanely immature behaviour and frankly, a bit disgusting.

Then you respond by getting blind drunk?

Yeah, this isn't healthy.

Tistheseason23 · 18/12/2023 13:54

I assumed you were all female. It probably doesn’t matter. But agree with pps, very childish, all of you, especially with five kids in the house.

Original poster
551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 14:01

Thanks to the replies. I agree it's not healthy. I said last night I need to find more to my life than my partner and the kids.

In response
I'm male
I agree it's a bad example too for the kids

I've never got drunk in front of the kids before but Saturday I saw red. I shouldn't have done, I regret it and feel ashamed. In 12 years I've rarely drunk at all in front of the kids.

My partner likes to go out with her friends because her ex husband stopped her going out with friends at all not just nights out and kept her in the house all the time. I knew when we got together that she liked going out with friends drinking so I can't say I didn't. I thought the weekend went too far though in terms of the photos that I found vulgar and not funny at all and then my drinking.

I'm not one to say to my partner they shouldn't go out but they do know my preference is that if there is an opportunity to go out then I'd rather we went out as a couple for a meal or some live music or something. Obviously there should be room for both. It's a difficult situation for me to be critical of her enjoying going out so much when for the last 25 years she hasn't been allowed too go out.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 14:09

She sounds pretty rank tbh, and sending you pictures of her kissing another person is designed to wind you up. Surely you can see that? I'd kick her into touch and concentrate on being the best parent you can be moving forwards.

And in the great scheme of things, cheating on your partner and father of your children is way worse than getting upset and a bit pissed at home while they are safely in bed.

WaltonSteven1 · 18/12/2023 14:12

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MsMarch · 18/12/2023 14:16

You are clearly jealous and, while you're trying not to be, a little controlling - the fact you don't really like her going out with others, want to be out together etc.

BUT... her behaviour is very poor. Kissing women, taunting you with pictures etc. It sounds very toxic and immature.

I don't know how long you have been together but perhaps neither of you is really in the right place for a healthy relationship.

Opentooffers · 18/12/2023 14:18

If you are all female then she's basically posting on SM for all to see that she's cheating on you when out. If you are male and she's just being stupid, then it's pretty immature, as you were, to get so pissed that you ended things but didn't mean it. Can't say I've always been sober over the years while being a sole parent to DC -no need to be saintly in life - however, there are different levels of inebriation and you claim you would of been 'useless' if anything happened, which is not good. It's was a one off under stress - don't use alcohol as a crutch, mainly as it doesnt work and makes things worse usually - hopefully you've learnt from that.
You are seething after the fact. Why did you not just tell her prior that 2 nights running was unreasonable? How often does she go out leaving you with the DC's? Do you ever get the feeling she's using you as a person to enable her social life, or is there generally mutual give and take in this relationship?

feathermucker · 18/12/2023 14:18

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Reported

HappyHamsters · 18/12/2023 14:30

Getting drunk in charge of 5 kids was wrong
Her humiliating you with photos was wrong
Her telling her pissed up friends was wrong
You don't feel secure, she likes the social life

Is this the life you both really want

Original poster
551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 14:34

Opentooffers · 18/12/2023 14:18

If you are all female then she's basically posting on SM for all to see that she's cheating on you when out. If you are male and she's just being stupid, then it's pretty immature, as you were, to get so pissed that you ended things but didn't mean it. Can't say I've always been sober over the years while being a sole parent to DC -no need to be saintly in life - however, there are different levels of inebriation and you claim you would of been 'useless' if anything happened, which is not good. It's was a one off under stress - don't use alcohol as a crutch, mainly as it doesnt work and makes things worse usually - hopefully you've learnt from that.
You are seething after the fact. Why did you not just tell her prior that 2 nights running was unreasonable? How often does she go out leaving you with the DC's? Do you ever get the feeling she's using you as a person to enable her social life, or is there generally mutual give and take in this relationship?

I admit I was immature to get so drunk in the space of probably an hour or so. I can't get passed the fact I did that.
On reflection yes my partner may have been immature but I thought it was disgusting. I class that as an intimate thing.

I could have told her that 2 nights would have been too much but it was never an option not to go out both nights for her. The option I was given was not to look after the kids and her mother would. Why would I say no I won't look after the kids and your mother can? I loved looking after the kids- they are all great and we had a lovely time.
I should just never have reacted the way I did but I already have the answer why she did it "I never had the chance when I was younger like you did. I wasn't allowed out" but to be honest I never did that much and certainly didn't share tongues with somebody else when I was in a relationship.
Maybe there's two things here - my jealousy over the photos I can't get past and the fact I got drunk when I had the kids that neither of us can get past

OP posts:
Original poster
551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 14:39

HappyHamsters · 18/12/2023 14:30

Getting drunk in charge of 5 kids was wrong
Her humiliating you with photos was wrong
Her telling her pissed up friends was wrong
You don't feel secure, she likes the social life

Is this the life you both really want

I don't feel secure. But that's my issue because I'd rather more 121 time and I have to be realistic that it isn't going to happen.
I love my partner so yes I want to work this out. I love all the kids they are wonderful and we have built strong relationships with each others kids. I love them all too bits.
In it's present form I need to find a way of accepting and being happy with what I've got because I'd rather a part of my partner than nothing at all.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 14:53

Get it through your head now - this relationship is not going to work. Please stop putting your kids through this mess and end it already.

HappyHamsters · 18/12/2023 15:09

You have answered yourself, you either accept it as it is or leave, what happens when all the kids are grown up and don't need babysitting.

Original poster
551Salgrada · 18/12/2023 15:28

I think we could have reached an impossible place anyway. It may be too late to accept what I have. My partner can't forgive me getting drunk while I had the kids. I understand that totally.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 18/12/2023 15:37

You are being really hard on yourself, yes it was wrong to get drunk and you need to deal with your jealousy. She could have gone out without getting drunk and licking tongues but that's her choice and the blame game, tit for tat argument would be pointless. How old are the kids. Maybe she is making up for lost time but that's not your responsibility.

Jf20 · 18/12/2023 15:40

I think a lot of folks have misunderstood.

so you’re a man, in a straight relationship with a woman. She is straight, she was on a night out, and a photo went up of her literally touching the ends of their tongues with a friend.

you got jealous and then got drunk when caring for the children due to this image and then you dumped her when she got home.

i hope she ends her relationship with you, then runs, not looking back.

Jf20 · 18/12/2023 15:42

HappyHamsters · 18/12/2023 15:37

You are being really hard on yourself, yes it was wrong to get drunk and you need to deal with your jealousy. She could have gone out without getting drunk and licking tongues but that's her choice and the blame game, tit for tat argument would be pointless. How old are the kids. Maybe she is making up for lost time but that's not your responsibility.

Give over, they weren’t licking tongues, he said touching, it’s quite common, and although sickening, it’s Just the end of the tongue.

licking friggen tongues, on what planet is that a thing.

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