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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does my mum need help?

28 replies

oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 12:08

I'm finding my mum really hard work to be around. She's always been a bit hyper and highly strung but in the last year it's become worse.

She's incredibly critical of me, how I parent and dismissive of my opinions - but always asking me for help with things. Eg I'll find her some tradesmen and if they don't do the work to her standard she'll lash out and say "well you told me to use them!!" Hmm

She will come round and start moaning pretty much the minute she comes through the door. If my DC don't immediately rush to give her a hug (they see her often) she'll accuse them of not loving her, not wanting her there.

My DB has autism and MH issues. A lot exacerbated by her treatment of him (she literally treats him like a baby) and if I try to suggest they do anything differently with him that might benefit him, she'll lash out and accuse me of hating my DB. I'll protest and she'll shut me down.

She ruined DC birthday because she threw a massive strop about something she'd got the wrong end of the stick about and her and my DF refused to come to the gathering. DH family were like: are your parents not coming? I was so embarrassed by them. Then she messaged my DH and said she felt I was shunning them and "hadn't stopped crying" Wth!!!

She has an autoimmune disorder and struggles to sleep due to my DF, so not sure if that has something to do with it, but whenever I suggest she sleeps in a separate room, she changes the subject, or closes it down irritably.

I'm just exhausted by it all. Any advice?

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 18/12/2023 12:10

OMG! I feel like I was MEANT to read this today! I dont know where to start.....

lovenotwar149 · 18/12/2023 12:28

I had a momentus day yday. I will explain...

So basically, that sounds really tough for you. REALLY tough. Right now, the place I have got to with both my parents is no contact just about. Years of constant criticism have taken its toll on me. Years of undermining, years of sending me the message that I am not good enough, I dont look good enough, my hubby doesn't do his DIY jobs in a good enough way, the employment choices my kids (THEIR grandchildren) have made has not been good enough etc etc the list got son. IM OUT now!! and as sad at is it.....sooo sad, I have cried as many tears as I can now/will now. Its over. I am now unapologetic about moving on with MY life.Putting ME and my family first. Its happening. Its goddamn happening! I want to shout it from the roof top!
Day, my momentus day, was I had the courage to face my dad on the phone. This no contact thing has been going on for over a year. The last few wks I have been hounded my both my mum & dad via calls. They were blocked for many months. I unblocked them as I felt ready to stand up to them even more. Ii called my dad back day and I stood my ground with grace and composure when his criticisms came my way. I DIDNT criticise back and I DIDNT feel anger. THAT was the miracle for me. I wasn't scared. I saw his behaviour (cruel words) as just that. Behind it I saw a man behaving in a very weak way. and I DIDNT/DONT feel guilty today for his emotional state! I can't quite believe I have got to this place!
I suggest NOT tolerating poor behaviour from your mum , or anyone else for that matter. Decide how YOU want to be treated and teach others how to treat you! GOOD LUCK X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2023 12:42

I would withdraw completely from your parents and have nothing more to do with them. You would not tolerate this from a friend, why at all from your own mother who treats you like her personal emotional punchbag. This is who she is and neither are going to change. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them; this role is your dad's role.

She is not worthy of you as her now adult child. Do not let her ruin any more of your child's birthdays.

Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 12:59

I am trying to avoid going NC as without me (and my DH and DC) they literally have nothing apart from DB, who isn't in a good way and gets agitated whenever my parents are angry at me, not speaking to me etc for something I allegedly have/haven't done.

I have even been accused of turning my DH and DC against them when I clearly haven't.

But yes, nothing I do is good enough. It honestly feels as though they despise me sometimes but no idea why! I have been through a lot in my life including an abusive relationship and now with my lovely DH and they seem hellbent on creating problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 13:01

@lovenotwar149 I can relate to all that! I'm sorry you had to go NC but I can absolutely understand why. It's incredibly tough and I admire you.

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 18/12/2023 14:05

It honestly feels as though they despise me

What a thing to feel by ones own parents. I feel like that too. But I NOW know, that they are projecting and it isn't about ME. I honestly think they (my parents) are very broken people and dont know how to do any sort of introspection about their own behaviour. So when they 'feel' wounded ie. may say something like ...please can you stop commenting on my grey hair, I like it and I am fine that you dont like it but I find it hurtful when you keep saying you dont like it esp after I have asked you to stop saying it as I find it hurtful. This , just one example, is met with ...can'y say anything to you, you take everything the wrong way, you're so sensitive and on and on and on they go.
Instead of actually listening, they go straight to their learnt defensive behaviours. They can't see me as a separate autonomous being. Its very sad. And the abuse they give teach other is quite disgusting. No one wins in these situations sadly. U have chosen towels away but there is so much hurt inside me too. I will allow it and I will look after me now.

lovenotwar149 · 18/12/2023 14:06

U have chosen towels away but there is so much hurt inside me too. I will allow it and I will look after me now.

oops typos.I meant I have chosen to walk away

Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 14:20

I think that's it - the defensiveness. The lack of accountability, of accepting they have ever done anything wrong.

She isn't talking to me at the moment. Avoiding my calls. If I dare to miss even one of her calls though she'll call me continuously until i pick up or she'll come round "I thought something happened to you". Why would you assume that? She is so negative aagh.

OP posts:
Shortbread49 · 18/12/2023 15:23

Interesting I feel like my mum has me too have been aware of it since I was a child she often glares at me with hatred

goMe46 · 18/12/2023 15:35

Controlling you
Emotionally

furtivetussling · 18/12/2023 15:50

For the sake of your own wellbeing, you need to go NC with your parents. You mention that you are avoiding it as without you they have nobody other than your DB. It's not your fault they have no-one else. And you definitely shouldn't feel any kind of obligation towards them. They are vile. You owe them nothing.

dodobookends · 18/12/2023 15:56

You are a grown-up.

They have no right to expect you to do as you are told, and no right to get annoyed with you when you don't comply.

You are not a little girl who needs to be punished for being naughty. In fact, they don't have any control over you whatsoever. Not unless you let them. So I suggest you stop letting them.

Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 16:09

I think I'm just a punching bag to her. Because my DF health is going downhill and they have had such a lot of things to deal with re: my DB, I'm the only one she can vent to, so I get it in the neck. But it is draining and she will always blame me and lash out on me. I'm cruel, I'm selfish, etc.. Confused

I do think she has some kind of issue: anxiety perhaps, but she insists there's nothing wrong with her.

What is baffling is that she wasn't like this when I was younger. A bit neurotic but ultimately kind and a good mum. Even 6 years ago when DH and I got together he remembers her being different.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 18/12/2023 16:24

Well something is going on with her OP. It must be very difficult and exhausting looking after your DB. I know you think she should do things differently for him but when you are a FT carer it takes over your life. She's probably worried about what will happen to him when she's no longer around. You say your Dad has ill health too which isn't helping is it. She has got a lot on her plate and isn't getting any younger.

My DM behaved similarly towards me (although different circumstances) so I sat her down one day and calmly told her that I understood her anxiety and the pressures on her and that I loved her but if she continued to speak to me in such an unpleasant way she would no longer be welcome in my home.

It took a lot of courage to do that because I was afraid of her and I expected her to fly into a frenzy but surprisingly she didn't. From then on things improved vastly. Maybe you should try it too.

Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 16:38

@ginasevern I'm glad that improved things for you. I know that wouldn't work with my DM though. She'd turn it around and say it's me being nasty to her. Just the other day my older two DC didn't greet her with huge enthusiasm (they were getting ready for school) and her first reaction was to turn round to me when they'd left and say "what have you said to turn them against me?"

She does have a lot on her plate and I try to help as much as I can doing a lot of their personal admin. I guess in a nutshell what I'm asking for is how do you deal with a parent who clearly has issues of some sort, refuses to get any help for those issues - and uses you as an outlet to vent their frustrations.

OP posts:
Shortbread49 · 18/12/2023 16:41

You bite your tongue and ignor all rude comments but if she is saying things to you children you stay please don’t say that it is not an appropriate thing to say to an x year old

ginasevern · 18/12/2023 16:56

I guess in a nutshell what I'm asking for is how do you deal with a parent who clearly has issues of some sort, refuses to get any help for those issues - and uses you as an outlet to vent their frustrations.

Other than my previous advice which is to sit her down and tell her straight, there really isn't anything you can do. How does you DF feel about it all. Is their marriage reasonably stable, does he ever roll his eyes about her or is he just as bad?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2023 16:57

"I am trying to avoid going NC as without me (and my DH and DC) they literally have nothing apart from DB, who isn't in a good way and gets agitated whenever my parents are angry at me, not speaking to me etc for something I allegedly have/haven't done."

Ultimately your parents are not your problem and your mother is selfish in the extreme. As a further example of this she has not planned ahead to work out exactly what your brother is going to need in terms of support when she is not capable physically.

They in having no-one else apart from your DB is not a basis or reason to remain in contact with them. None of these people are going to change. Drop the rope entirely here that is being held out to deal and deal with any feelings of fear, obligation and guilt through therapy. It will also do your children no favours whatsoever for them to see you as their mother be continuously disrespected by their nan.

Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 17:03

Shortbread49 · 18/12/2023 16:41

You bite your tongue and ignor all rude comments but if she is saying things to you children you stay please don’t say that it is not an appropriate thing to say to an x year old

I have ... and honestly the list of what she shouldn't say to them is getting so long! One DC said to me the other day DGM said some people eat children(!) I asked her to clarify and she said "oh I told them some people beat children". Just get annoyed that she even talks about such negative stuff with them, so unnecessary and not her role. If I say that to her she'll say "well you won't tell them about things like this!"

OP posts:
Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 17:11

@ginasevern DF just ignores her mainly, although he is getting quite old and forgetful now. Also, she behaves differently with him. She and DF have very traditional old fashioned roles. If I haven't tidied up after DC, she'll tell me DH will leave me if I carry on like that, tells me not to nag him (haha). If DH is at home and jokily mentions a cuppa, she will rush and make him one. Literally will drop everything to make him a tea. In my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 17:20

@AttilaTheMeerkat

she has not planned ahead to work out exactly what your brother is going to need in terms of support when she is not capable physically

This is something that comes up a lot. They don't think about the future with him at all and when I raise this she'll just say it's none of my business (which it patently will be when her and DF pass away) and she'll say "don't worry, it won't be your problem. I'll tell the necessary authorities he doesn't have any next of kin when we are gone".

It will also do your children no favours whatsoever for them to see you as their mother be continuously disrespected by their nan

This is my biggest worry. She undermines me constantly, in front of them too. I know i need to take a step back from her and I try to but sometimes she'll text me something that she's about to do and I know it's the wrong thing and she'll fall victim to something (ie con artists or scammers) so I haven't got a choice but to step in.

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 18/12/2023 17:52

so I haven't got a choice

Yes you do have a choice!! You're choosing to stay stuck!! Those words/mindset keep you in VICTIM mindset!!
Listening to her BS is most prob your comfort zone now , as horrible as it it. Ranting on here, eases the resentment ...a bit. It doesn't sort the issue though.

Shortbread49 · 18/12/2023 18:02

Keep your children at more of a distance too they will notice my daughter was 8 when she told me that grandma was mean and granddad was miserable she was totally correct

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2023 18:07

oneproudmumma · 18/12/2023 12:59

I am trying to avoid going NC as without me (and my DH and DC) they literally have nothing apart from DB, who isn't in a good way and gets agitated whenever my parents are angry at me, not speaking to me etc for something I allegedly have/haven't done.

I have even been accused of turning my DH and DC against them when I clearly haven't.

But yes, nothing I do is good enough. It honestly feels as though they despise me sometimes but no idea why! I have been through a lot in my life including an abusive relationship and now with my lovely DH and they seem hellbent on creating problems.

None of that is your fault or your problem. You can’t fix them either. As you’ve identified, nothing you do will be right or enough. If you go NC or VLC they will be angry and miserable, but they already are, but you won’t have to go through this crap and will be able to have a more normal, happier life.

goMe46 · 18/12/2023 18:57

You aren't responsible for her and her decisions

You can put yourself first!

I am teaching myself this too because my mum drains me.
If they don't like it they shouldn't have been such hard work in the first place!