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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serial cheating husband

34 replies

Brontelass · 18/12/2023 09:34

Hi,
New to this but need some words of support. 28 years married, love the man, but I have finally told him to go after years of infidelity. I know it’s right but I am wavering. Kids are young adults and fine, I will struggle financially but have gone full time and will work extra shifts to survive. I am terrified. He’s pulling the mental health card and making me feel sorry for him as he feels he is losing everything. If I dont do this I will lose myself completely. The trauma I have suffered from betrayal is overwhelming. Our relationship in every other way has been amazing, he just can’t stop looking out for other women. Please someone tell me they have done this and been OK.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 18/12/2023 09:40

If you are new to this board then look out for something called "the script" its what all men say and do in this situation when they have been caught cheating. he is following the script by claiming that its damaging his mental health and will lose everything. well, tough shit. why didnt he think of that when he was shagging other women.

this is not your fault. its his. all of this is his decision. and guess what? now he has to live with the consequences.

when you come out of the other side of this, and you will, and it will be so much better, you will realise that what you feel at the moment isnt actually love. its the shared experiences that you have had and the person that he was not the person that he is that you love.

Half your life is still in front of you. live it differently and put yourself first.

BalletBob · 18/12/2023 09:48

Our relationship in every other way has been amazing, he just can’t stop looking out for other women

If you are a person who values monogamy, this is a bit like saying "my house is amazing, except for the fact it's on fire".

You are traumatised because you do not feel emotionally safe in your marriage. You also are not physically safe if your husband is risking his sexual health and leaving you vulnerable to catching STDs. Being single will be a massive adjustment and I think it would be naive to expect it to be completely plain sailing from day 1, without any discomfort or fear or moments of panic. But what you are leaving behind is a very toxic and unhealthy situation, so I have no doubt that over time - and it may take a long time - you can find yourself again, find some peace and live a contended and fulfilled life on your own terms. You would be giving yourself a chance to find happiness which is not available to you in your marriage.

The only other two options available to you are:

  1. Stay with him and spend your life feeling betrayed and traumatised by his chronic infidelity.
  1. Accept that he is not willing to be a faithful husband, redefine your relationship to include him (and you?) being free to seek sex outside the relationship, and live together on those terms.

There isn't likely to be a magic fourth scenario where he keeps it in his pants and becomes a loyal spouse.

Rania78 · 18/12/2023 09:51

Hi, yes you will be ok.

The begging and mental health card is typical of people who have cheated. He doesn’t care about you. He only cares about losing his comfort.

Leave otherwise you risk your own health. People who stay in these situations end up ill with a serious illness (cancer, MS etc). Grow, focus on yourself, make new friendships, enjoy your freedom. He is only looking for someone to take care of him and lean on.

MMadness · 18/12/2023 10:03

You'll be fine.

Tell him to get fucked. His mental health excuse is bullshit.

Grey Rock his arse.

Rania78 · 18/12/2023 10:07

Oh by the way you mentioned that you “love him”. What is it that you love? We love people because they treat us nice, they have a good character etc.

What is there to love from this serial cheater and liar?

Original poster
Brontelass · 18/12/2023 10:16

He works hard, he provides, he’s a good dad, he is calm and kind. He treats me nice but I think that is probably out of guilt. I have spent over half my life with him, we have been through everything together. But yes he cheats and lies and then is sorry. I have held my family together for years. I know it is time. I am strong, independent, I have a professional career. Yet I am also weak at this moment. I feel ridiculous.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 18/12/2023 10:27

@Brontelass I would tell him that you love and care about him, you can be friends - good friends(if you want that) but you don't want to be in a relationship- you don't trust him and would rather know him from a distance as it's less hurtful . Sadly he has ruined it.

Rania78 · 18/12/2023 10:27

Sorry If you have already answered. Does he also have a sex life with you?

Of course he is nice to you. You are the homemaker/cleaner/nanny/chef/psychotherapist/ financial contributor etc while he is enjoying his double life. Do you have any idea how much money he saves plus you provide him with emotional security? And no. He is not kind. Kind is someone who really cares.

mummymeister · 18/12/2023 12:20

@Brontelass NO. he is NOT a good dad. He is a liar and a cheat. and when your children get older they will know this about him. they will know he lies and cheats. they will then wonder how much of their childhood was a lie. it will eat them up with guilt, anger and frustration. is that really the definition of a good dad!!

You are enabling him to behave the way he does. because you do EVERYTHING else whilst he spends his free physical and mental time, thinking about and shagging other women.

He isnt sorry. he just knows how to keep you dangling on that bit of string.

And what happens when

  1. he catches a sexually transmissable disease and gives it to you
  2. he gets someone pregnant
  3. he falls in love with someone else who is equally willing to be his slave and he just buggers off
  4. your kids find out

Stop behaving like a doormat. stop enabling him to behave like this. He is just the lowest of the low he really really is.

and please stop lying to yourself about him being a good dad because he really couldnt be any further from it.

sarahc336 · 18/12/2023 12:29

You will not regret this op, keep looking forward and soon you will be so glad you stuck to your guns 😁

rockingbird · 18/12/2023 12:42

I could have written your post a year ago.. I left and by god my mental state is in fucking tatters. I trust no one, he's continued to be a c*nt and a liar and I don't even know who this man is I married. Please save yourself, they don't change, your mental health is priceless.

Didimum · 18/12/2023 13:43

Brontelass · 18/12/2023 10:16

He works hard, he provides, he’s a good dad, he is calm and kind. He treats me nice but I think that is probably out of guilt. I have spent over half my life with him, we have been through everything together. But yes he cheats and lies and then is sorry. I have held my family together for years. I know it is time. I am strong, independent, I have a professional career. Yet I am also weak at this moment. I feel ridiculous.

Men who cheat are not good dads.

Susieb2023 · 18/12/2023 14:05

It’s clear you’ve known about his cheating and rug swept, not your fault, I can completely understand the need to hold your previous family together.

But he has WATCHED as you have broken in front of him time and time again. And he has not cared. Not cared enough to put your feelings and your safety in front of his need for ego kibbles and validation.

This is NOT a man who is mentally unwell and struggling this is just a man who loves having his cake and is throwing his toys out the pram because you are giving him consequences.

Do not falter here. Do not listen to his pleas. I am pro-reconciliation, but I absolutely draw the line with reconciliation with someone who watches a betrayed go through the trauma of infidelity and does it again.

He’s a nasty NASTY piece of work with a massive void! He deserves to be left in your wake!

Please please do not take this creep back, your safety, your right to informed sexual consent, your personal agency matters. Time to get rid of the dead weight! You deserve better!!!

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 14:39

Good dads don't destroy the mental health of their children's mother by repeatedly lying to them, cheating on them and stripping them of their self confidence and self worth in the process.

He is not a good dad.

Hatty65 · 18/12/2023 14:48

There is nothing kind about a man who has spent years dipping his cock into as many women as possible because it's exciting for him, despite the fact that he knows exactly how much anguish it causes the woman who loves him, and who he made a commitment to. It's faintly revolting, to be honest.

He could not give a SHIT about how much he's hurt you. Even now, it's all about him and how much he's losing. He should have thought about that.

What an utter wanker. Pathetic, small man. Why on earth would you feel sorry for HIM? He's reaping what he sowed. Finally.

BMW6 · 18/12/2023 15:40

Honestly OP, he's not sorry he hurt you by shagging around. He's just sorry he got caught.

My Dad was the same. Could NOT stay faithful. Some people just cannot - will not - resist temptation.

How would he feel if you'd been unfaithful to him repeatedly?

Original poster
Brontelass · 18/12/2023 15:55

Thanks everyone. Yes I am a doormat, an enabler and actually pathetic. I have suspected his infidelity for years but only seen texts, observed his inappropriate behaviour until this year when I actually spoke to a woman who confirmed a 6 month sexual affair. Looking back I probably always knew but never had solid proof. And the pits is when you are doing std tests when you have only slept with same man since being a teenager. Rock fucking bottom.

OP posts:
Annette007 · 18/12/2023 15:59

Hi

You are not pathetic you are a kind caring person trying to hold a family together , people who have never been thru this will never understand.

Xxxxx

mummymeister · 18/12/2023 16:17

Brontelass · 18/12/2023 15:55

Thanks everyone. Yes I am a doormat, an enabler and actually pathetic. I have suspected his infidelity for years but only seen texts, observed his inappropriate behaviour until this year when I actually spoke to a woman who confirmed a 6 month sexual affair. Looking back I probably always knew but never had solid proof. And the pits is when you are doing std tests when you have only slept with same man since being a teenager. Rock fucking bottom.

right so you have hit rock bottom. that now means the only way is up. to climb out of the situation you are in and move away from this total knob.

You have 100% unequivocal proof of what he has been up to and this is a red line for you so now start making plans to get away and start the life both you and your children deserve.

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 16:25

Ah op I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. You deserve so much more than what he's given you.

He's using his mental health as an excuse but what about your mental health? Him having affairs is bound to be having a really significant impact on your mental health and self esteem. His wellbeing doesn't get to come at the expense of yours and you've done the right thing.

Right now it's incredibly painful and you're grieving the future you imagined for yourself, the man you thought him to be and the relationship you thought you had. And even though he's undermined it all with lies and infidelity, those feelings and what you believed were all very real which is why leaving and starting afresh is so painful.

But you will finish grieving, you will be stronger for this experience and you owe him nothing. For him this is rock bottom he's been caught out and now he's clutching at straws. For you this is a chance at a fresh start, a life that centers your happiness and your goals (even if your aren't sure what they are just yet) and maybe even someone new who respects and loves and is loyal to you in the future when you're ready.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 16:39

He is not kind.

Infidelity is not, in any way, kind.

Would you be kind if you were unfaithful to him? Not even once but repeatedly.

That's torturing someone. At best it's mistreating them badly.

He just thought you'd put up with it and he'd have his cake and eat it, ongoing.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 16:45

he’s a good dad

Cheating repeatedly on the other parent of your kids is not being a good parent.

They are inevitably affected, no matter hard they try not to be, by it.

And it's usually Mums who are the main carer, so it has even more impact.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 16:46

Also I find the bar for being a good father to be decidedly low in this country.

Aquariass · 18/12/2023 16:52

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.

I just came to say that it’s important to separate your ‘idea’ of him versus who he really is.

He’s a good dad - or is he a Disney dad that puts on a performance? Good Dads don’t risk the mental health of the mother, or the security of a complete family over empty affairs. I understand your children are older now but this sounds like a pattern that’s occurred over years.

He treats you well - no he doesn’t. When he’s in your company he might be polite and amenable, but when your back is turned he immediately betrays everything you have built together. That’s not a nice man. That’s a horrid one in my eyes.

Your idea of him is purely an illusion I am sorry to say. You sound strong and you are doing the right thing.

Hatty65 · 18/12/2023 16:56

You are not pathetic, OP. He is the pathetic one. You sound like a decent human being.

But get rid of him now, and don't waste any sympathy. Your life will be much better without him.