Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with only child!!!

32 replies

Thefirstime · 17/12/2023 23:52

Wants and needs constant attention, play, interaction with me and partner at home it gets exhausting.. we set boundaries but then he sulks and says he feels lonely, as no one to play with..

he goes school but isn’t the most socially confident so only has a few friends..

Someone mentioned we get a dog as he needs a new focus..

he also doesn’t play too well with kids - lets them take toys out of hand, never goes into conflict.. very frustrating to see how he’s aged 5!

any advice?? Thanks

OP posts:
Outliers · 17/12/2023 23:58

A sibling or a pet wouldn't hurt.

But he 5, he's gonna through various motions.

PerpetuallyIndecisive · 17/12/2023 23:59

You don’t sound like you like him very much. Perhaps focus on spending family time together and finding out of school clubs etc that build his confidence. Some children are naturally more timid and non combative. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it’s not used against him by other kids.

tomatoontoast · 18/12/2023 00:12

PerpetuallyIndecisive · 17/12/2023 23:59

You don’t sound like you like him very much. Perhaps focus on spending family time together and finding out of school clubs etc that build his confidence. Some children are naturally more timid and non combative. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it’s not used against him by other kids.

Oh go away with that, 'You don't sound like you like him very much' rubbish.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 18/12/2023 01:33

I wonder if this is an only child issue or if people are just seeing it that way? My 5 year old doesn’t play much with her younger brother, has some friends but not made many strong friendship bonds (as I understand from her teacher, this is not abnormal at their age). Can you encourage independent play in the usual ways, set up engaging play areas, start playing with him then leave him to it? Have regular quiet/ reading times at weekends so it is an easy routine & gets you some space? Would a regular play date help if you can fit it in your schedule - for example going to football with x on Sundays, going to the playground with y afterschool Weds, or invite classmates round and you can help him model being a bit more assertive too? Think of ways you enjoy interacting with him - for example I like puzzles/ board games with my DD but not dress up/ make believe play, so we focus on what I enjoy too to make it more manageable. Good luck!

Original poster
Thefirstime · 18/12/2023 07:31

Thanks, some great ideas there.. it’s the constant nature of it all!

OP posts:
Shiningout · 18/12/2023 07:48

I think this is just how it is with an only child. I am a single parent to a six year old and it can be relentless but I make time to play with him and do activities, doesn't have to be constant role play or cars but board games,walks, colouring together,playdoh etc there's lots of things to do. Sometimes it helps getting on with some tidying but having him play in the room with me so I'm still chatting to him without actually playing.

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2023 07:57

I think there are stages like this with most children, perhaps a bit more often with onlies. I certainly had long periods of feeling like I had to be the mum and the sibling as well.

I'd work on having short playdates with the friends he does have (max an hour maybe), and be with them pretty much all the time at the moment to help the interaction go well, play a game with them for example. That investment will pay off x a million when he is older. Also find some kind of sport or physical activity club - is there anything sporty he likes? If not maybe Beavers?

Epidote · 18/12/2023 08:06

My daughter is 5 and sometimes a few months ago she said I'm lonely a few times because she wanted me to spend more time with her. We spend a lot of time together doing things but sometimes she said it. I told her if she wants to help me to do chores and she gladly beat an egg, fold some socks etc because she is doing things with me.
Now that little bits are in our routine and I ask her will you help me to make dinner and she is all for it.

It gives her a boost because is doing big girls stuff when do chores with me and after I always thanks her and do some playtime even if is just ten minutes.

They like the company and the interaction more than the activity itself. It is not the first time she clean the toilet sink with an old sponge and some soap. I have to clean it after anyway but she seems to love it and she said look I've done a really good job!

I also knit and she does crafts in the meantime with a movie on the background. Seems to work for us.
We compare our progress with our activity and we look forward to see what we have done.

I found that way the best one for us, as full time working single mum I don't have much time unfortunately.

thelonemommabear · 18/12/2023 08:31

Unfortunately sounds symptomatic of being an only child - having a sibling would be pointless due to the age gap and getting a dog assuming they will bond is a risk. Arrange more play dates as others have said, find a hobby he will like and stick at - sign him up to loads and whittle them down. Your tone of post isn't very nice about him and I wonder if his lack of confidence with friends stems from the "boundaries" you set when you play with him and the clear lack of patience/interest you have in playing with him so he avoids conflict with his friends so that the few people that do play with him will continue to do so

twistyizzy · 18/12/2023 08:38

As an only child myself and now mum to an only child this is how it goes yo some extent. Of course your DS demands more interactions with you. Best thing is to arrange play dates, get involved in hobbies etc but also agree that there is a small part of the day when he has to entertain himself, it is good for kids to learn how to be bored as long as you are interacting with him regularly.
He may well find social interactions more challenging especially around sharing toys and confrontations so it is up to you to guide him.
Just having another child to give him someone to play with is madness, as it getting a dog unless you all want one. Only children aren't deprived or disadvantaged as long as you create lots of opportunities for social interactions with kids his own age.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2023 08:42

There needs to be balance op.
Yes, you could play with him a bit. But he also needs to hear no and that you can't play with him now because of x. I used to do 'play, chore, me' with my dc (although they were much younger than 5 and by 5 I wasn't involved) so, I'd say start helping them set up their peppa pigs, then announce I was off to do a chore and then I'd have my me time. I had no problem if they wandered to find me and I had a book in my hand saying no, I still have ten more minutes.

bookworm14 · 18/12/2023 08:43

As the parent of an only (which I am too) you do need to be prepared to spend more time playing with them. Luckily I enjoy imaginary play but it must be very tough if you don’t. I make sure my DD also has plenty of play dates and time with her cousins as well as out of school clubs/activities. Does he do a sports club or something like Beavers/Cubs?

DeadbeatYoda · 18/12/2023 08:45

Thefirstime · 18/12/2023 07:31

Thanks, some great ideas there.. it’s the constant nature of it all!

That's parenting for you! Instead of feeling hard done by you may as well embrace it, this stage will go by far easier. I don't mean to sound like I lack sympathy ( I had 3 under 4 years old at one point) but you need to realise that this is just what it's like now. Her creative with it, devise low involvement games to play together ( treasure hunts - find five things that start with F, for instance). You need four or five of those ideas in your armoury and it'll give you space to crack on with other stuff, or get a cuppa of tea in peace.
I guess some people find it harder than others to adapt but adapt you must. That or be miserable, that is.

AlltheFs · 18/12/2023 08:48

Thefirstime · 18/12/2023 07:31

Thanks, some great ideas there.. it’s the constant nature of it all!

What on earth did you think parenting an only child would be like?!
He’s still tiny, you sound absolutely bloody awful.

We have a 4 year old only, of course she requires 100% attention- that’s absolutely bloody normal.

Your poor child.

Charlingspont · 18/12/2023 08:50

Being 'out' is easier than being in with a child who needs lots of attention. Do you take him out for walks? Bike rides? Just a trip round the local garden centre - ours has fish and hamsters etc.

itsmyp4rty · 18/12/2023 08:58

Don't get a dog! Dogs generally need/want a lot of attention too and there's no guarantee that your child will want to spend their time with a dog or any other pet. You'll just end up with something else that wants walking/feeding/to always be on your lap and you'll be in a worse position.
Consider having set times or a routine where you do things with your child, they thrive on routine and will soon learn it. If your child knows that in half an hour you will do x, y or z with him then he is more likely to be able to amuse himself in the meantime. If he has the whole day stretching ahead then he will be constantly asking if you will play.

twistyizzy · 18/12/2023 09:04

Thefirstime · 18/12/2023 07:31

Thanks, some great ideas there.. it’s the constant nature of it all!

Well yes obviously it is constant. I do get where you are coming from but equally I'm a bit confused about what you expected it to be. The best thing is getting out for fresh air + exercise. A 1 hour walk should tire him enough so that he will be happy to just sit and play on his own for a while.

hjytrjulykuyh · 18/12/2023 09:06

This is nothing to do with being an 'only child' OP, I know plenty of kids who are siblings like this! Sometimes even moreso, desperate for the attention of their parents and feeling left out if they perceive their siblings to be getting more time and attention.

All you can do is set boundaries and enforce them. Yes, lots of lovely time together, some play time, bringing him around other kids, but also enforcing the reality that as his parent your job isn't to endlessly play, it's also to do a hundred other important things he might not appreciate at this age but that are all very necessary such as working, cleaning, cooking, and having some time to yourself. It will get easier.

ReadyForPumpkins · 18/12/2023 09:11

Children needs attention, and it's you'll have to play with him. If he's not an only, and if you are lucky the siblings get along, then they keep each other company. If they don't, you'll have to play referee when they fight.

DC1 is 12 and she sometimes hide in her room, but still plays with DC2. They play along very well. I assume without the other, DH and I will have to be their playmate. DC1 is packing for a sleepover and her sister is currently helping her pack her bags.

ReadyForPumpkins · 18/12/2023 09:13

I agree with another PP about signing him up with activities and playdates. For example, if he's at football, then you can chat to the other football parents. Clubs give him a focus on his energy and you some adult company.

miniegg3 · 18/12/2023 09:20

My ds is 5 also and as an only child needs a lot of attention. It's normal, luckily he will happily go between playing computer games with his dad to colouring/playing games with me so we each get a bit of time to relax.
I wouldn't get a dog for this reason, my ds "hates" our dog apparently because he "stares" at him or tries to lick him. It's more hassle trying to separate them and stop them annoying each other 😅

graciasinmorzine · 18/12/2023 09:22

He’s FIVE. Five year olds are exhausting and relentless full stop.

A sibling wouldn’t make anything different at this stage. And that might bring its own stresses too.

You should play for the first 10 minutes, demonstrate an activity, some connection- then move onto something else that you need to do.

Set up activities for him to access as if you were a nursery teacher sorting out provision. Lots of ideas online.

Sign him up to clubs and activities before any dogs!!

Enforce quiet time on weekends with books and twinkly lights so you have a break and to create a nice habit of resting.

5 is still so young and they need a lot of help to be independent. Being bored is a skill.

Does he watch lots of YouTube videos or play stimulating games on the iPad regularly? I’m not anti screen at all- but an abundance of stimulating, short content where there is constant choice isn’t good for attention span and focus.

Passingthethyme · 18/12/2023 09:25

hjytrjulykuyh · 18/12/2023 09:06

This is nothing to do with being an 'only child' OP, I know plenty of kids who are siblings like this! Sometimes even moreso, desperate for the attention of their parents and feeling left out if they perceive their siblings to be getting more time and attention.

All you can do is set boundaries and enforce them. Yes, lots of lovely time together, some play time, bringing him around other kids, but also enforcing the reality that as his parent your job isn't to endlessly play, it's also to do a hundred other important things he might not appreciate at this age but that are all very necessary such as working, cleaning, cooking, and having some time to yourself. It will get easier.

I agree with this. I've found it's usually the ones with siblings who act out more. Do you actively play your DC at all? They are bound to pick up on the vibe you are disinterested and frustrated and perhaps that's why they are acting out. It sounds as though they may lack confidence so maybe that's something to focus on.

MrsJellybee · 18/12/2023 09:26

We have an only child here. We tag team. On weekends, we spend some time as a three (DD, DH and me) doing something family-focused. Then one of us will continue to play with her whilst the other has a break. Then we swap. Then we say, right, now you do something on your own whilst Mommy and Daddy have time to themselves (about an hour). We then repeat. She is nine so it is easier. I’m trying to remember how we handled this at five….Well, we were in lockdown. I had her 24/7 for months as husband was working pretty hard during the pandemic. You just have to get on with it. Build in some breaks for yourself, but you will have to be a substitute sibling sometimes.

Mariposista · 18/12/2023 09:30

Get him into clubs. Beavers, football, rugby, arts and crafts, kid's choir - anything that gets him out, among other children and active.
No screens. Family board game night once a week. Get him cooking with you, give him responsibilities and jobs around the house.

Swipe left for the next trending thread