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Original poster

Are all men like this? Or am I right to be mad?

33 replies

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 21:46

I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we have a 6 month old little boy. Husband has recently started a new business and has been getting on with that alongside his main job. I do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, raising our son, laundry etc. I have also started helping him pack orders that come through and take them out to post whilst he's at work. He moans if I muddle up his breakfast, he groans if i haven't done the laundry or if I've missed something. He never ever has a nice thing to say to me or about me! I wear something new he says nothing I cut my hair he says nothing. No matter what I do it's never good enough! We had an argument the other night where he so effortlessly listed my faults and I wondered you are so quick to say i'm miserable and whatnot yet you have never thought to say anything nice to me or show appreciation or compassion towards me. His excuse is oh this is what I am like I don't vocalise things like that- yet he vocalises negativity quite easily!

I feel like he just expects me to always be there and that i'll just help him no matter what and do my 'wife duties' regardless. I even help him with his packing till whatever time at night, and he had the audacity once to tell me oh you are going too slowly hurry up when I was stood up packing for 2 hours!

Today I had enough and snapped at him, am I overreacting? Or is it normal that a husband never has anything nice to say to or about his wife?

Sorry if I am rambling...🙃

OP posts:
HRR107 · 17/12/2023 21:49

You are absolutely within your rights to snap. Who wouldn't? You're feeling unappreciated and that would make anybody upset. It sounds like he isn't really listening to how you feel. Maybe stop helping him out with his business errands if he ain't appreciating the fact you're taking your time to help him. Maybe then he will see the effort you're putting in.

Northsideoftheriver · 17/12/2023 21:50

No I don't think that's normal. He is treating you like a slave. Listing faults, what a dick he is.

LunaLovegoodsLeftEyebrow · 17/12/2023 21:50

No, not all men are like that.

SpringleDingle · 17/12/2023 22:09

No, not all men are like that. He sounds dreadful.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2023 22:14

You aren't doing wife duties, this isn't 1930. You're doing HIS SHARE.

From now on - he cooks, he cleans, he raises his son, he treats you with the kindness and compassion a partner should or he gets a one way ticket to divorce.

'It's your turn to cook tomorrow'
If he doesn't, you go out by yourself to eat.

'It's your turn to do laundry tomorrow'
If he doesn't, you do your own and leave his.

Hire a cleaner to do his share of the housework if he won't. He pays.

'It's my Saturday to see friends tomorrow so you're on childcare'
If he dodges it, take the kid and go stay in a nice hotel for the night. Order room service, charge it to him.

Stop ironing his pants, stop doing his job for him, stop being a 1930s housewife.

If it still is a shit marriage - leave him.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 22:14

Or is it normal that a husband never has anything nice to say to or about his wife

What if it was? What should you do, if your partner does something that is normal, but that you don't like?

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 22:26

No, get your ducks in a row. Meantime learn to say NO! And ' not my job, do it yourself'. If he's doing nothing at home, you should not be doing anything for him.
I hope you are on mat leave, as it will help to keep working down the line when you split - at the moment, that's where you should be heading. You are massively under-reacting to him using and verbally abusing you.

Original poster
Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:11

Thank you!
I put my foot down this morning he made his own bloody breakfast. I just needed others to just say out loud my thoughts!
Yes I need to be more assertive I just put my head down and get things done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:14

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 22:14

Or is it normal that a husband never has anything nice to say to or about his wife

What if it was? What should you do, if your partner does something that is normal, but that you don't like?

I don't know I guess when he has been getting away with it. He says to me you are the sort of person that just always fishes for compliments, but it is not that, I just want him to care, and like notice stuff. I cut my hair whilst I was away for a weekend at my parents ans came back he did not even notice or say anything :/

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 23:16

oh this is what I am like I don't vocalise things like that

So he's allowed to not voice positivity, but you are obliged to voice it? And he can list your faults, but if you say anything negative, you're 'miserable'?

I wouldn't be staying with someone like that.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 23:18

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:14

I don't know I guess when he has been getting away with it. He says to me you are the sort of person that just always fishes for compliments, but it is not that, I just want him to care, and like notice stuff. I cut my hair whilst I was away for a weekend at my parents ans came back he did not even notice or say anything :/

Show quote history

So, if he does something you don't like, what do you think is the healthy thing for you to do?

katmarie · 17/12/2023 23:20

Dh (married 6 years) came into the kitchen this morning just to tell me how much he loved me. He also told me the breakfast I made was delicious and said thank you for it. So no, all men are not like yours.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 23:21

What do you want your life to be like? Now we're coming up to New Year, this is the time where we all think about what we want for our future. I certainly wouldn't want a man like that in my future.

If this is a temporary thing, then a threat about the marriage ending should do the trick. However, if he's been like that for longer than he hasn't been like that, then I think you should think about your options.

Original poster
Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:24

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 23:18

So, if he does something you don't like, what do you think is the healthy thing for you to do?

Show quote history

I don't really know I usually just stop talking to him and doing anything for him. I think it has just got to the point where I have become emotionally detached. Update - Apparently being on mat leave has made me go nuts and I am starting unneccessary drama, he does appreciate what I do but can't say that he does or show that he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:25

katmarie · 17/12/2023 23:20

Dh (married 6 years) came into the kitchen this morning just to tell me how much he loved me. He also told me the breakfast I made was delicious and said thank you for it. So no, all men are not like yours.

That is really lovely😊.... hope one day mine does ... fat chance of that happening!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:27

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 23:21

What do you want your life to be like? Now we're coming up to New Year, this is the time where we all think about what we want for our future. I certainly wouldn't want a man like that in my future.

If this is a temporary thing, then a threat about the marriage ending should do the trick. However, if he's been like that for longer than he hasn't been like that, then I think you should think about your options.

I keep thinking maybe it is this new business thing that's making him like this. First year of marriage he was much more kind and caring. But it has to stop otherwise like you say I must consider my options bearing in mind my little one.

OP posts:
RamblinRosie · 17/12/2023 23:50

No children here, but my husband has brought me coffee in bed most mornings for the last 40 years.

Yes, I’ve helped him with his work, usually on weekends, but he always treats me to something afterwards to show he appreciates me.

He also always notices when I’ve had my hair done, often suggests it - says he’ll pay, ‘cos he likes it red.

He’s not perfect, but he never takes me for granted.

coxesorangepippin · 17/12/2023 23:51

So stop doing it all

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 23:53

No it’s not normal.

Do you want it to work? If you do he needs to smarten up his act -

Lizzieregina · 18/12/2023 00:00

No all men are not like that!

Im glad you let him get his own damn breakfast!

Ive been with my DH for 40 years, and I do a lot for him! But he bought me a new iPad last week and wrote me a lovely card thanking me for everything I do to help him (he’s been ill).

I’m a fairly bad cook, but he always tells me dinner was lovely and thanks me very much. He doesn’t always notice haircuts and the like, but if he does, he’ll tell me it’s nice (mostly because I don’t actually care if he doesn’t like it ☺️).

He’s far from perfect, but he’s always respectful and appreciative.

NeonSoda · 18/12/2023 00:07

He is being abusive and it’s unacceptable.

furtivetussling · 18/12/2023 00:23

This work you are doing for his business... is he paying you a proper wage?

He's not, is he?

Jas5mum · 18/12/2023 00:28

Tell him to do his own packing and cook his own food and wash his own clothes useless twat!

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 18/12/2023 01:13

Stop helping with the packing; you are doing more than enough. You are feeling invisible because you have become invisible to him.

Freddyschase554 · 18/12/2023 01:18

If he is working at a ft job, and has started a business, and you have a six month old, that is a lot that he is doing. He could just he overstretched, tired and or angry and o. . And the stress will increase when you finish maternity leave op.

He does sound extremely negative though op, and even if the above is true, he should not be taking his stress out on you and criticising you.

In your shoes I would be getting a baby-sitter, going out to dinner, and having a civilised discussion about how much you both have on, why it is completely unacceptable for him to take his stress out on you, and where your boundary lies if it continues. So instead of saying to him “you have to change and stop criticising me” make “I” statements and say very calmly “I will not tolerate any more of this negativity from you, I know you are under pressure but I do not deserve this and I want to be clear, I will not be sticking around if it continues”.