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Original poster

Would you stay for good sex?

47 replies

chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 17:38

I've named changed for this.

Brief back story: 8 years together, young child together, things have been strained and difficult between us over this past year for many reasons including partner working away for a lot of the time meaning I'm left carrying the weight of home life / childcare and my own job. Lots of arguments over the past year, littered with one or two good times. Communication is generally not good due to partner working away but also he's not good at communicating and prefers to ignore problems and hope they'll go away instead of talking about them like I try to do... so essentially it all builds up and it's not helpful, just piles and piles of unresolved issues and resentment.

This past week we've been having discussions about a trail separation in the new year as neither of us can think how to make it work anymore and we're both exhausted trying.

However - and here's the really big however - the sex when we get around to it is literally mindblowing. It's like going back to the days we first met - the sexual chemistry, how I feel during intimacy, all of it is just amazing. And this counts for a lot, to me anyway. Last night after weeks of these serious "let's maybe go our separate ways" discussions, we had the most amazing sex and all I can think when I look at him today is, I want more of that! And they very thought of him doing any of that with someone else when / if we separated is just, well, I can't stomach that thought basically.

I suppose what I'm asking is... Is it ever worth staying together for an amazing sexual connection despite other problems?

OP posts:
DGConsultant · 17/12/2023 17:47

Because you have a kid together, always good to see if you can sort out the comms issue between you. The good sex is of course beneficial, but It won't hold the relationship together long-term. Surprising that you have such good sex, and yet you don't communicate well, that's what good sex is predicated on, usually.

DustyLee123 · 17/12/2023 17:50

Would you try couples counselling? I think you should try everything if he’s not abusive and there’s a child in the mix.

Original poster
chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 17:52

Thanks for your reply. We have had counselling in the past around a year or so ago but it didn't really result in lasting changes unfortunately.

See there the thing - sexually we communicate perfectly! It's like we just fall into almost entirely different people when we are intimate, and I'm not sure why that is. But communication about everyday life and problems etc, not so much.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 17/12/2023 17:53

If you still fancy each other enough to have amazing sex then I think that must mean there’s a solid foundation to work from. Normally by the time people are considering separation, so much has happened that they aren’t attracted to each other any more.

DustyLee123 · 17/12/2023 17:54

Then if the rest of the relationship is toxic I’d end it, as you don’t want your child growing up in that.

annaT2122 · 17/12/2023 18:06

@chocolataupain No it's not sustainable. It's a cherry on top but you need the cake first!
Sorry for the desert pun. Related to your username 😂

Rania78 · 17/12/2023 18:20

I must say I would probably stay and just compromise on things. Sorry to say that you don’t find mindblowing sex easily and I would be reluctant to let this go. I know that many people on MN will shoot me but this is how I feel.

Go to counselling, compromise, find a solution but don’t let him go.

PossumintheHouse · 17/12/2023 18:22

Does he feel the same about the sex?

eandz13 · 17/12/2023 18:24

HermioneWeasley · 17/12/2023 17:53

If you still fancy each other enough to have amazing sex then I think that must mean there’s a solid foundation to work from. Normally by the time people are considering separation, so much has happened that they aren’t attracted to each other any more.

I agree with this. I think there's always a leg to stand on in this particular instance.

Ibex22 · 17/12/2023 18:30

We also have very good sex. But, there are a few other fairly major issues in our relationship.

Honestly, I don't think you can stay just for the sex. I think it's been holding us together for a while but now things have reached a bit of a crisis point.

So, it only works for so long.

Outliers · 17/12/2023 18:46

Every relationship has its issues, and kids intensify them.

Doesn't sound like your problems would go away if you broke up tbh.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 19:44

For me I found that having that kind of connection sexually made the other problems more painful.
The sex was amazing during, but then afterwards I'd feel shit.

Ethylred · 17/12/2023 19:51

The obvious answer is to have more sex. And update us, we need details.

Original poster
chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 19:55

PossumintheHouse · 17/12/2023 18:22

Does he feel the same about the sex?

He says so, yes

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 19:55

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, lots to think about!

OP posts:
category12 · 17/12/2023 19:58

Sorry, has the sex been consistently amazing throughout the relationship, or has it recently gone back to amazing after you've been talking about splitting? Cos the latter could be hysterical bonding which won't last.

MMmomDD · 17/12/2023 20:05

@chocolataupain
I think you are asking the wrong question.
And i also think your problems are not because you don’t love each other - but rather because you are in a difficult phase - small kid, him working away.

I’d also add that if you struggling on your own while he is away - I don’t see how your life would be any better if you separate.
You’ll end up doing as much or more on your own as he’ll continue to be away for his work. And he is bot going to be doing 50% - and there is no way to force it.

Is he doing the job with lots of travel because he likes it? Or because it pays well and he wants to provide well for his family?
I think the two of you are in a place where you are not listening to each other and not appreciating what you each bring to the table.

Instead of thinking of throwing in the towel - or forcing the other to admit being wrong (as we all do way too often) - can you not try to pause and think of practical ways of making your life easier while he is away?

One partner working away does not have to lead to this massive resentment. Not of it benefits the family lifestyle. And there mist be ways to lighten your load.

I’d say counselling may help too - to get you talking/listening instead of blaming. May be harder with him traveling - but there are online options.

So - i don’t think you should stay because of sex. But i do think that you have a strong connection still and are struggling as many young familes do

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/12/2023 20:05

The sex would probably not be so great if your relationship stopped being precarious.

Original poster
chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 20:06

@category12
It's been consistently good, with the usual peaks and troughs, but last night was particularly mind blowingly good - sort of reminded me of our very early days of dating. And I'm now wondering if some of that was because we'd spoken about splitting, now you've said that. Somehow that could have made it more intense?

OP posts:
category12 · 17/12/2023 20:10

chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 20:06

@category12
It's been consistently good, with the usual peaks and troughs, but last night was particularly mind blowingly good - sort of reminded me of our very early days of dating. And I'm now wondering if some of that was because we'd spoken about splitting, now you've said that. Somehow that could have made it more intense?

Yeah, hysterical bonding sex is a Thing.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 20:10

So you fear him having great sex with someone else. How do you know OW this is not already the case, given that he works away a lot. Did he already work away a lot before your DC or has he had a change of job?
Looks like his work life is not conducive to having a DC, probably should not have become a father at this point in his life.
But with or without a DC, it's a miserable life being in a relationship with someone who is frequently long distance.
If his job is the issue, either he will change it for the relationship, or he won't, just ask, tell him it's untenable as things stand, then you will have your answer.

Seaoftroubles · 17/12/2023 20:10

Could both of you agree to give the relationship your all so as to to try and save it? If he works away a lot and this is unavoidable you will have to make adjustments so that you can cope better, as l imagine most decisions will fall to you. Also have more counselling, both seperately and together. Its worth it surely if you both love each other and have such a good connection sexually. And then at least you could say you'd tried.

calishire · 17/12/2023 20:21

I think a rough patch of only a year is not reason to separate especially if you have a young child. Agree with all PP about trying to repair the other parts of the relationship. Try counseling again and also counseling on your own might also help. These relationship problems sounds very solvable to me.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 20:28

calishire · 17/12/2023 20:21

I think a rough patch of only a year is not reason to separate especially if you have a young child. Agree with all PP about trying to repair the other parts of the relationship. Try counseling again and also counseling on your own might also help. These relationship problems sounds very solvable to me.

OP said Communication is generally not good due to partner working away but also he's not good at communicating and prefers to ignore problems and hope they'll go away instead of talking about them like I try to do... so essentially it all builds up and it's not helpful, just piles and piles of unresolved issues and resentment.

Communication problems can be notoriously difficult to solve. I suppose there's a chance but I know with my ex even though he's still pining over me and begs for me to get back with him all the time (years later) he still hasn't/can't work on his communication issues.

Same with my parents, major communication issues, never any will or ability to try to learn how to communicate, not sure if they're missing me 😂but they've lost out on being around their grandchildren because of it.

I also know quite a few other women who had no choice but to end relationships due to their partners communication issues, and the vast majority of the time he didn't want the break up but given the choice of working on his issues or letting the woman he loved leave they let her leave.

Original poster
chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 20:34

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 20:10

So you fear him having great sex with someone else. How do you know OW this is not already the case, given that he works away a lot. Did he already work away a lot before your DC or has he had a change of job?
Looks like his work life is not conducive to having a DC, probably should not have become a father at this point in his life.
But with or without a DC, it's a miserable life being in a relationship with someone who is frequently long distance.
If his job is the issue, either he will change it for the relationship, or he won't, just ask, tell him it's untenable as things stand, then you will have your answer.

His job situation changed after we had a child, and it was a joint decision we made as an opportunity came up that would mean significantly more money. He can take a position closer to home at any time if he wants to, but it will come with a large pay cut. I guess what's happened is we have sacrificed communication and a good relationship/ balanced family life for a better financial position, and now we are paying the price unfortunately.

OP posts:
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