Would you stay for good sex?

[chocolataupain]

I've named changed for this.

Brief back story: 8 years together, young child together, things have been strained and difficult between us over this past year for many reasons including partner working away for a lot of the time meaning I'm left carrying the weight of home life / childcare and my own job. Lots of arguments over the past year, littered with one or two good times. Communication is generally not good due to partner working away but also he's not good at communicating and prefers to ignore problems and hope they'll go away instead of talking about them like I try to do... so essentially it all builds up and it's not helpful, just piles and piles of unresolved issues and resentment.

This past week we've been having discussions about a trail separation in the new year as neither of us can think how to make it work anymore and we're both exhausted trying.

However - and here's the really big however - the sex when we get around to it is literally mindblowing. It's like going back to the days we first met - the sexual chemistry, how I feel during intimacy, all of it is just amazing. And this counts for a lot, to me anyway. Last night after weeks of these serious "let's maybe go our separate ways" discussions, we had the most amazing sex and all I can think when I look at him today is, I want more of that! And they very thought of him doing any of that with someone else when / if we separated is just, well, I can't stomach that thought basically.

I suppose what I'm asking is... Is it ever worth staying together for an amazing sexual connection despite other problems?

OP - you mention resenting your H because he is working away. Talk about resentments accumulating because you have a lot on your plate.
But then mention bad communication about problems.
What do you really mean about sacrificing communication???
Are there other issues beyond you finding it hard on your own?

Is it possible that having jointly decided that H should take an away job for more money - you are now regretting it? And that is the main issue?

Do you remember that couple who decided to have sex every day for a year? They said how much their relationship improved.

Yes.

Take a good look around at who/what is out there on the dating scene. I'd work on the marriage if I were you.

The vagaries of raising small kids will ease.

Why not do a LAT? Living apart together.

My neighbour and his wife both have their own place, are married and have been together since before I moved here. Over 30 years.

I'm a single mum to an adult son. No way would I ever want to live with a man again. Most are like grown children, they don't pull their weight domestically.
(You only have to read the Relationships board).

I do have a LAT relationship myself, keeps the sex mind-blowing.

I wouldn't live with a man again either but they have a young child together, how would that work?

You need to use the money from his better job to outsource more of the housework etc.

Get a cleaner/ more hours of childcare/gardener/other help.

This sounds quite fixable.

Say a bit more about the counselling? How many sessions did you have? Did any of the communication tools turn out to be useful?

Do you think you are struggling personally? Have you seen your GP?

He is someone who prefers to avoid conflict and discussion about problems, whereas I'm someone who wants to get it all out on the table and talk / resolve. His working away has made it easier for him to avoid talking to me to resolve issues that arise. And when he comes home he's only home for a week at a time (pattern of a week away, a week home), so neither of us really wants to spend that week discussions problems - we'd rather spend the limited time together as a family or spending quality time as a couple. So these things have built up and up because nothing is properly talked about. Then the next disagreement happens, and we add that to the pile of things unresolved, and so on.

I also feel quite unseen and unheard. I feel he doesn't appreciate how difficult it is to juggle my own career, home life, and parenting on my own for a week at a time (no family support around us), but when I ask him for support and point out how much I do when he's away and how much I'm struggling and why, it typically descends into an argument about "who has it worse" (he says staying away in hotels and travelling every week isn't great either, etc). So we reach a stale mate. Until we have physical intimacy of course, and that clears the air all over again! This is the usual pattern.

Sorry just to answer the last point. Yes, I am regretting the decision a little and the impact it's had on me being left home with the stress. But - the money has undoubtedly given us a degree of financial freedom and such a better quality of life when he's home, eg not having to think twice about booking weekends away as a family on his weekends home etc. so it's difficult to imagine giving that up too.

We already have 4 days of nursery a week (my working days) and a cleaner. I have one day a week at home with my little one, which I'm reluctant to give up as I wanted to keep that until she started school. I could put her in an extra day but I'd feel guilty if I did that.

@chocolataupain honestly, don’t give up. I think you are just under pressure with family life. Maybe hire a nanny to help a few days per week but honestly don’t split. And I can’t imagine a relationship where communication has broken so much but have mind blowing sex. Sth is really strong there.

Sigh…I ‘m jealous…wish I were in your place.

I thought this straight away when reading the OP's posts

I definitely agree with the hysterical bonding comment. Sex has become your reset button after the same cycle you're repeating. It's not healthy sex. Sex has become a plaster to the relationship.

I suggest putting in boundaries that sex only happens if you feel safe loved on the same page able to communicate ect how is other forms of intimacy? Hand holding ect

I'd definitely recommend counselling together and individually.

@chocolataupain

OP - you are not going to like what I am about to say. But I have been on both sides of this.
I used to travel for work. Most of my work required travel, staying in hotels, etc. I did not have a predictable pattern of a week off. It went on for years.
And then, when I had kids, I was at home with them, while my partner travelled.
So - I really do have experience on both sides of it.

I think your main issue comes from some idealised idea of what having kids is like. Mot people are unprepared for the effort it takes. And also for the fact that while kids are small we have to prioritise kids' needs over ours. We get less sleep, we are not as free to do things; we need to live on their schedules.
It does change when they get a bit bigger - but the initial shock is hard.

So here comes the bit you won't like. You only have one kid who is in a nursery for 4 days. You have a cleaner. You have a day off work you can spend with your child, by choice. And every other week your H is at home for a week - presumably able to lighten the load significantly.

By any objective measure your life is not that hard. It really is not.
I know it SEEMS hard to you. But I do think the issue is more your perception and expectations. You are having real trouble with accepting reality of having kids - and making the sacrifices it requires. You see the extra effort you put in, but totally discount your H's.

You keep talking about your H not wanting to listen you discuss problems. But it seems that all you want to do is to complain to him about how hard it is for you. And I don't blame him for not wanting to listen to it while he is away. After all - if he kept complaining to you how hard it was to be working away - you'd probably also got tired of that.

I do think you have no idea how draining it is to be on the road. I think you are imagining your weekend trips and thinking that it's what it's like when one travels for work. It is not.
Having done it myself - I'd not change my time at home with two kids on my own for a life of travelling.

I don't know where this leaves you two. Unless you work on becoming less self-focused - I don't think you'll get any happier.

Maybe he is not appreciating it's hard for you. But you are as bad as him in that you are not appreciating his efforts just as well.

And - btw separation won't change much (or anything) - your life won't get any easier in a practical sense and a whole host of other issues related to co-parenting would pile up.

So - the best thing really is maybe to try to work on a relationship - and start with yourself? See why you can't see beyond your own perspective? And why you don't appreciate what you do have?

“Would you stay for good sex?”

TBH, no I wouldn’t. There’s so much more to a good, loving, kind, compatible relationship than mindblowing sex. You’re not in bed shagging 24/7 and it doesn’t solve any other relationship issues going on, it just distracts you from them for a while.

Breakup sex is always mindblowing imho.

This:

“I think your main issue comes from some idealised idea of what having kids is like. Mot people are unprepared for the effort it takes. And also for the fact that while kids are small we have to prioritise kids' needs over ours. We get less sleep, we are not as free to do things; we need to live on their schedules.
It does change when they get a bit bigger - but the initial shock is hard.

So here comes the bit you won't like. You only have one kid who is in a nursery for 4 days. You have a cleaner. You have a day off work you can spend with your child, by choice. And every other week your H is at home for a week - presumably able to lighten the load significantly.
By any objective measure your life is not that hard. It really is not.
I know it SEEMS hard to you. But I do think the issue is more your perception and expectations. You are having real trouble with accepting reality of having kids - and making the sacrifices it requires. You see the extra effort you put in, but totally discount your H's.

You keep talking about your H not wanting to listen you discuss problems. But it seems that all you want to do is to complain to him about how hard it is for you. And I don't blame him for not wanting to listen to it while he is away. After all - if he kept complaining to you how hard it was to be working away - you'd probably also got tired of that.”

This.

You say that you and your partner descend into competition over who is most exhausted and strung out. What a waste of time and energy!

You and your partner made a conscious decision to create a family. Parents shouldn’t stay together at all costs but, unless there is abuse, you owe it to your child to try to make the relationship work. That means removing blame and competition from the discussion and expressing this as something for you to work on together.

To answer your question.. from someone whose husband was literally fucking fantastic but now impotent due to illness ..

Yes. Hell yes .

If the sex is truly mindblowing I think there's more of a foundation to truly work through your other issues, so I'd probably advise working harder and exploring more avenues than if there was sexual incompatibility to go along with the other incompatibilities. None of your other problems sound completely insurmountable.

At the same time if the other things don't change, don't be fooled into thinking a sexual connection is more important or meaningful than it actually is. If it's not enough to smooth over the rest of your relationship it's not worth holding on to.

Some of the best sex I ever had was with someone I barely knew at the time, and the more I got to know him the more I disliked him. The sexual chemistry never stopped but eventually I had to admit that in every other respect I couldn't stand him.

You sound like you have all the makings of a good situation. I’d be surprised if there were a perfect relationship out there.

Consider settling. Consider accepting that it’s tough, you deal with issues differently, but that’s ok. He isn’t wrong, you aren’t wrong, you’re just different.

Why does everything need chewing over and resolving? To me that sounds more like one person finding fault and making the other person change.

Reframe it as ‘x isn’t working very well for me, can you help me work it out better?’

His answer may be ‘well stop doing x’ when you’d prefer it to be ‘I’ll come home an hour earlier’. You can’t make him change.

What you can do is accept things as they are and make the changes that are in your control- like letting the housework slip or dropping a club.

If you’ve got a good dad, a good provider and great sex then fuck me, lucky you.

He is someone who prefers to avoid conflict and discussion about problems, whereas I'm someone who wants to get it all out on the table and talk / resolve. His working away has made it easier for him to avoid talking to me to resolve issues that arise. And when he comes home he's only home for a week at a time (pattern of a week away, a week home), so neither of us really wants to spend that week discussions problems - we'd rather spend the limited time together as a family or spending quality time as a couple. So these things have built up and up because nothing is properly talked about. Then the next disagreement happens, and we add that to the pile of things unresolved, and so on.

Can you give some examples of what the conflict and problems are that you want to talk about and resolve?

If you’ve got a good dad, a good provider and great sex then fuck me, lucky you.

Yes, I can confidently say I have all of these, so tbh this thread has helped me realise I'm actually quite fortunate to have him. My plan is to try and make it work. Thanks all for helping me see this!

Happy to hear that @chocolataupain ! Hope you guys enjoy the festive season 😘