Narcissistic mother and enabling father moved just behind our house...

[Eeyore1997]

...and I'm struggling.

Earlier this year my parents announced they were moving from 200 miles away to just behind our house. We told them in no uncertain terms we did not want them living that close but they disregarded our feelings.

This did lead to a whole load of conversation involving honesty on my part explaining how their self absorbed and unloving behaviour had made me and my family feel over the years. This was really difficult and upsetting as it led to a lot of gaslighting, emotional blackmail and further indication that they do not care for me and my family in the way that 'normal' families do. However, foolishly I thought we had made progress.

They moved a couple of months ago and it has become clear pretty quickly that they had not taken any of my feelings on board. So we're in this weird situation where I want to be low/no contact, but it's impossible because I can see their house out of my windows.

My kids are finding it difficult as they want their gps to be part of their lives now they are closer, but most of the time my parents aren't interested. I am constantly wondering if they are going to come round or invite me to something which I don't want to be part of and figure out how to maintain my boundaries. But then the screwy part of it is also that it hurts everytime they are disinterested, behave like they don't care and just want me to listen to them and what they've been doing.

I can't begin to explain all the little weekly/daily things that keep messing with my head, but it's a lot. It's also impossible to explain how my mum's narcissistic ways and my dad's enabling have affected me throughout my life but I have always felt unloved and second best to their self absorbtion and lack of interest in anyone but themselves.

I had some counselling recently and thought I'd got somewhere but I'm finding it tough to manage the daily way it's screwing my head up. We can't move as we're in an ideal house for our kids and the location is perfect for their school and jobs, also financially we can't move at the moment.

So I guess I'm asking what people would do in this situation and how would they manage the stress of it better? As you can imagine with Christmas coming expectations from family are always hard when relationships are toxic.

Make use of blinds and net curtains, and that will help a bit.

In your situation I think I would move. It doesn’t need to be far. But far enough that they are not on your doorstep. It sounds like having them so close is causing anxiety.

Start planning to move.

In the meantime net curtains, blinds, a massive fence, those firs that grow fast.

Plus only answering phone once a week and never let them have a door key.

Oh OP, I remember your post about this before it happened (and about how bloody awful your mum is). I can’t believe they still went through with it. I’m so sorry.

I don’t have much to suggest I’m afraid - Leylandii hedge?

Aside from that, if you can afford it, try and have semi regular counselling sessions so you can talk it out.

Re Xmas, can you book to go away and just stuff everyone else? Let them be toxic and disappointed alone.

I think you need to reassess what your boundaries are and stick to them

One moment you're upset they show no interest in you and your family and the kids want to see them, but in the next breath you want to remain low/no contact which is conflicting for all involved , including your parents

Is there absolutely no common ground you can build upon?

Moving won't solve the issues going on inside

Yes, I know you're right but I'm finding it hard with where they're living. Will I bump into them when we're walking dogs etc...

I want to reduce contact as they hurt me so often. But do you ever lose the need for a loving parent?

No - to be fair to the OP, she does explain this. She points out that her children (understandably) want their grandparents involved, and she herself is hurt when they're not interested - she is obviously sad about that. But she also says that her parents aren't actually keen to see her/the children in a normal way - her parents aren't usually interested in her children, and when they do get in touch, it's just because they want her to be an audience for them.

I think it's perfectly natural for the OP to be simultaneously sad she doesn't have parents who are interested in her and her children, and keen to be part of their lives, and cross that her parents - who don't play that role - have insisted on moving round the corner from her, on the expectation she will be nearby to provide them with the audience and support they feel they need.

I remember your original post earlier in the year. This happened to me. We went more or less NC (except for Xmas) and eventually moved. It was the only way. The day to day anxiety was just too much to live with and it nearly broke me. I haven't stepped into their new house. I refuse to.

Do not give them access to your house. And if they do call only on your terms and when you are feeling up to it. DC can see their GP if they want to. In practice they choose not to.

I still get moment 12 years on where it comes back to haunt me but being NC is the best thing I could have ever done.

Am so so sorry you are going through this. It is a complete violation of boundaries. In the meantime put up good fences and hedges (literally and figuratively).

I live 200m from my parents but we are completely NC. It was a process to get to there but it was a complicated and completely dysfunctional situation that led to contact breaking off. Psychologically they would have broken me with their gaslight. I subsequently went NC with many other family members and I have no regrets. The dynamics were toxic and each interaction was a complicated frustration that could never ever be way you would hope for from family relationships.

We are in the incredibly unfortunate situation that DHs family are no better so we have to hold them at arms length too. DH can compartmentalise really well thanks to his dysfunctional upbringing so he doesn’t need NC.

However it is extremely beneficial to us to have made these choices. It was a very painful process though.

You’ve been trained since childhood to put your needs here dead last with theirs first and foremost. This along with your fear, obligation and guilt re your parents (three buttons they installed in you) makes me suggest you seek therapy from the like of BACP asap. You need to choose a therapist with care and find someone who fits in with your approach.

Have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

You’re going to have to let go of all and any hope that they will change. This is who they are and their contact with your children will harm your children. If they are too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children as well. How old are they: are they teens or younger?. Children are quite indiscriminate in who they love but the fact remains your parents are not emotionally safe enough to be at all around. You are the parents here and your kids are relying on you to show them good judgment. It’s no longer your dream home either if you’ve got them overlooking your back garden.

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make your parents that way. That is all on their families, they did that lot of damage to them.

No, love, you don't. But you may never get that love from them - and they may not be able to understand that they're not giving it to you. A friend of mine recently shared this article with me, which I thought was really helpful in the way it explains certain behaviours. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

The reason I thought of it while reading your thread was that it seems to me your parents will likely find all sorts of explanations why it was absolutely fine - even loving and thoughtful - of them to move so close to you. And you probably can't argue them out of that. What you mustn't do is to fall into the trap of minimising their harm by changing your own behaviour. You're worrying about bumping into them while walking the dogs; you want to reduce contact. And at the same time, it's clear you would love it (who wouldn't?) if they suddenly had a road-to-Damascus moment and came to apologise profusely and tell you how much they love you. As long as you're holding those two positions in your head, you'll be on tenterhooks, and they are effectively calling the shots (whether they are consciously aware of this or not).

What can you do to take back some control? Ok, you might move house, long term. But to get you through Christmas, would your husband/partner be up to acting bad cop? I think it's sometimes easier to agree breezily that you'd love to do whatever your parents want (a party on Christmas Eve with their friends; them coming over at 5am on Christmas morning, whatever), and telling yourself privately you've no intention of going. Then, at the appropriate time, just cancel. You're all vomiting; your husband booked surprise tickets for the panto, whatever.

It’s weird that they moved 200 miles just to ignore you! It only shows that they are probably more aware of their shitty behaviour than you think and unless there is another reason for them to have moved, then they are doing it as some sort of manipulation.
It’s horrible to have to deal with anyone like this but when it’s your parents it makes it worse. Are you able to move away at all and not tell them where you’re going?
These people aren’t ever likely to be the parents you needed.

I remember your original post about them too and I think it takes a particularly cruel kind of person to deliberately move closer to their child just so they can reinforce how much they don't care for them. What your DM has done, with your compliant DF fuelling her, is really, really awful and you are right to go NC. It's like they're crying 'here we are!' and 'you're not important to us' in the same breath. I agree with PP - keep up the therapy, put up curtains/grow a big hedge and start making plans to move as soon as it's feasible.

Oh, and don't tell them when you move. Let them find out when the removal van rocks up.

I feel for you OP. I think you feel anxious because having physical distance gave you a degree of comfort, and now that's been taken away and you feel powerless. It's another boundary ignored - such parents are too ignorant to see, or too ruthless to care about the fact that children move away such distances in order to make their parents respect boundaries.

In your case, I'd move. I would feel suffocated by it.

Thingamebobwotsit thanks for this, you have summarised the situation completely. Thanks for your understanding. Can I ask how you went about going NC. Was it difficult? Or did you do it after you moved away. I'm sorry you had experience of this kind of anxiety too.

This. Although expect them to make a big deal about it, about how you're making a fuss over nothing and the drama of it all, and guilt tripping about the grandchildren's access. If they are controlling or narcissistic, this will be followed by threats to withdraw support or sulking to punish you.

@Eeyore1997 have you tried to encourage a relationship in the past with your children?? you must have if they know who your parents are! did you let them into your house when they moved here?? how old are your children?

Thanks I can see how this conflict in my head is what's causing my anxiety and upset. It was so much easier when they were further away as I had my own headspace. I want to try to establish boundaries not only physically but how much thinking and worrying it takes.

Yes we have not gone NC with them so far. But the fact they used to live far away meant the kids understood they only had a limited part in their lives. My parents gave the impression to them when they moved that they wanted to be more involved in their lives. However, they have already let my son down by not attending a play he was in which they said they were going to and my kids are all asking why they never get in touch with them or come and see them. My kids are all teens.

Can you rent your home out and move into a rental? Been nc with dps for 20 years. Df has no idea where I live or how many dc I have. I never get the wishing for loving parents.. Not sure how old your dc are but explain they aren't nice people and they won't be seeing them.

Similar here

i used to be on constant lookout and worried when on the local village centre etc or attending community events. Now I own it / I was brought up here 0-17 and then add 5 years on since we moved so at least 23 years to their 40. Neither of them were born and raised here. They have no friends. I work here, volunteer etc and go to church here - I know more people now. Hold your ground. I will not look after them if one gets ill - they don’t talk to me so I don’t talk to them. Explain to the kids how they have hurt you or not treated you right etc and keep a dialogue going with your kids

Control. You take back control and you revel in it! Ignore them if you bump into them. Talk to your children about how damaging they were and still are, how sorry you feel that they do not have grandparents ready to love them and how it is character building for the big, wide world. After all, there is a myriad of personality types, characters etc to encounter beyond our front doors.

They moved to totally disrupt your happy family and happy life. Sod them! Become immovable. They'll up the anti. You become happier. If they try the tactic of being nice to draw you all in, only to start the same misery again, go harder with ignoring.
You and your family's happiness is paramount.

You can readdress the balance of the harm they've done to you by taking control from them. Show them a different side to you. They are banking on you showing that they have affected you. Both are as bad as each other, neither unknowing of how their behaviour affects you. They've made you tough. With your family's backing, you'll be surprised at how you'll heal rapidly.

As PP said, as frequent as possible counselling is another strut of support, part of your arsenal. Another is cultivating a 'weird' sense of humour about the situation/them.
Best wishes OP

Let yourself grieve for what should have been and never was. Tell your children the whole truth about them. As teens they are old enough to understand. I wouldn't move, because they might follow you. Put up the highest fence you can and build a conifer screen. And go NC. Fully. You deserve the peace it will give you.

I went NC when they said they would move. It wasn't pretty but at the time I wasn't even aware there were things such as narcissists, let alone understanding that my very complicated relationship with my parents centred round this (plus lots of other dysfunction). It took a lot of work with a therapist to realise what the family dynamic was.

However at the time there was a lot of anger, misery and anxiety. A lot of shouting due to frustration as my parents weren't listening and not respecting my boundaries. And finally a letter setting out how I felt and what my boundaries were. It made no difference. They went ahead. And drew others into their toxic circle.

I had a lot of pushback from my extended family. They couldn't understand it and I was very much painted as the devil child by my parents. There was also a lot of pressure to apologise and pretend everything was normal. There was no recognition that my DM in particular was a twisted individual and it was a horrid time.

We have reached some sort of comfortable impasse now and it is fine. I miss the idea of a loving extended family - we were quite good at pretending when we had to. But the reality was I was miserable and could only cope when the DPs were hundreds of miles away. Next door was just too much.

I do get the anxiety of bumping into them too. This was a real situation for us too. And because DM couldn't let go she would frequently walk past the house even though there was no reason to. She watched us like a hawk. I looked into legal options at one point but it felt like too much hard work and I saved the money for moving instead. For what it is worth, we managed to avoid them for the main part and now we have enough emotional distance between us it makes the whole thing easier if we happen to be at the same event. But that little sinking feeling in your stomach never totally leaves you.

I wish I had an easy answer but time and therapy does help. And being very very strict about boundaries. I try very hard not to respond to any pushback in the moment and am very clear in reaffirming my position when I need to. I would love life to be different. But it isn't and all I can do is deal with it day by day.