Narcissistic mother and enabling father moved just behind our house...

[Eeyore1997]

...and I'm struggling.

Earlier this year my parents announced they were moving from 200 miles away to just behind our house. We told them in no uncertain terms we did not want them living that close but they disregarded our feelings.

This did lead to a whole load of conversation involving honesty on my part explaining how their self absorbed and unloving behaviour had made me and my family feel over the years. This was really difficult and upsetting as it led to a lot of gaslighting, emotional blackmail and further indication that they do not care for me and my family in the way that 'normal' families do. However, foolishly I thought we had made progress.

They moved a couple of months ago and it has become clear pretty quickly that they had not taken any of my feelings on board. So we're in this weird situation where I want to be low/no contact, but it's impossible because I can see their house out of my windows.

My kids are finding it difficult as they want their gps to be part of their lives now they are closer, but most of the time my parents aren't interested. I am constantly wondering if they are going to come round or invite me to something which I don't want to be part of and figure out how to maintain my boundaries. But then the screwy part of it is also that it hurts everytime they are disinterested, behave like they don't care and just want me to listen to them and what they've been doing.

I can't begin to explain all the little weekly/daily things that keep messing with my head, but it's a lot. It's also impossible to explain how my mum's narcissistic ways and my dad's enabling have affected me throughout my life but I have always felt unloved and second best to their self absorbtion and lack of interest in anyone but themselves.

I had some counselling recently and thought I'd got somewhere but I'm finding it tough to manage the daily way it's screwing my head up. We can't move as we're in an ideal house for our kids and the location is perfect for their school and jobs, also financially we can't move at the moment.

So I guess I'm asking what people would do in this situation and how would they manage the stress of it better? As you can imagine with Christmas coming expectations from family are always hard when relationships are toxic.

Oh I remember the post before they moved. I mean I know you can't tell anyone where to move to but ye on your doorstep is a bit much

@Eeyore1997 I should also say I was mid thirties when this all blew up. Sometimes I wonder how I was so naive. How I couldn't see it sooner. It didn't make it any easier. But there has been all sorts of expectations placed on me as the daughter to look after DPs as they got older and provide care to them. When in reality they barely gave me this growing up. NC has still been the best decision I ever made (after marrying my DH!).

I am slightly relieved to see how many people are telling me to be honest withy kids. I have been but then struggled with it being another thing I feel guilty about. Thanks for the advice.

I'm so sorry you have been through this. It sounds horrible. Thanks for sharing.

My mum gaslights everyone into believing the things she wants to make true. She said that they were moving close so they could support me and be there for her elderly parents.

In reality they have completely ignored my problems and have visited my mum's parents once but then complained that they haven't yet come round to see my parents' new house.

They moved because they used to live in the local town and when we moved into the village they saw how nice it was and decided they wanted to live here too.

You can be NC even if you live on the same street. My family lives in a different country, but I can’t tell you the peace I have now having nothing to do with my mum/them. We moved house and they don’t even know where we live.

In my case, I was very direct and sent an email that said I did not want a relationship and to never contact me again. I know you say you can’t move, and maybe it’s right that it’s better not to, but it really has given an entirely new ability to exhale knowing they couldn’t find us if they wanted to (I mean short of hiring a PI or something, I guess).

To answer your question, no I don’t think you ever stop wanting a loving parent. But if your parent isn’t loving, you do eventually in a way stop wanting the parent you got. I do wish I had the wonderful parent I thought mine was, but I really don’t miss her at all now because not having that pain and destruction in my life has been very freeing.

You don't ever really lose the desire for loving parents but that's where counselling comes in. You can lose the need for them. You can learn to get your love, and support, and encouragement from other people. You can learn to accept that you cannot change another person, just learn to accept that they are who they are and see them more clearly for who they are. And you learn to focus on people who bring love and joy and good things to you, and to cherish them, as much - or more than - thinking about those who do not.

It's rotten that they have moved so close, but don't let them have any more power over you. Bright and breezy. Grey rock. Let their negativity bounce off you, don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction - and get counselling. It's cheaper than moving house!