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Original poster

How to get to know the guy who rubs my choir?

37 replies

Fairylights246 · 17/12/2023 11:29

I go to a community choir which is run by attractive, funny, and seemingly kind man who is the same age as me (early 30s).

I've developed a crush/attraction towards him, however, I'm very aware as a member of his choir it may be inappropriate for me to try to get to know him. I also don't really know how I would even go about that as its not really a setting where he mixes with us, we just sing for a few hours and go home.

He also disclosed he is neurodivergent, so I know that could have an impact on how best to get to know him. Any advice?! Or do I just need to admire him from afar?

Edit the title should say runs not rubs!!!

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 17/12/2023 11:31

Ah! I wondered what the slang ‘rubs my choir’ meant. All sorts of thoughts passed through my mind.

Admire from afar. It doesnt sound like he is looking for anyone.

Thelnebriati · 17/12/2023 11:41

Are you able to just enjoy having a passing crush, knowing it isn't going to go anywhere and let it pass when its ready?

Whiskerson · 17/12/2023 11:42

Why can't it go anywhere, though? I don't see any barriers. Just find a reason to get talking to him and go from there!

BlueberryVelvet · 17/12/2023 11:44

Oh OP thank you, that has given me a proper laugh 😂

idontlikealdi · 17/12/2023 11:45

😂😂

Movinghouseatlast · 17/12/2023 11:45

I quite like 'rubs my choir'!

Anyhow, just talk to him. Set your mindset to 'he may not be interested' so you aren't disappointed and just chat to him.

Seeline · 17/12/2023 11:45

Just talk to him?

Get there early to help set up
Or stay later to put the chairs away.
Invite people to the pub/cafe etc afterwards and include him
Suggest a choir social/meet up on another day so you can all get to know each other

eandz13 · 17/12/2023 11:47

😂😂 I'm going to use this term in future!

crackofdoom · 17/12/2023 11:47

Ask him for a back rub. Sounds well within his remit.

Shiningout · 17/12/2023 11:47

If he's already at the stage where he's rubbing your choir I don't think u need advice on how to get to know him op 😂

PaulaPocket · 17/12/2023 11:48

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

I wondered what the slang ‘rubs my choir’ meant. All sorts of thoughts passed through my mind.

They passed through mine as well. Does he rub the altar boys as well? If so, steer clear!

Neriah · 17/12/2023 11:49

I also had some "mind games" with the title, which all things considered may actually not be so far off the mark!

It's a choir. You are both consenting adults, so assuming that you are both free, why not just casually invite him for a coffee or a drink. Don't make a big thing out of it. If he says no then you have an answer of sorts. If he says yes, play the "date" cool and don't try to go too fast in case it is just a coffee. You are both old enough to be able to just have a friendship and see where it goes, if anywhere.

Sera1989 · 17/12/2023 11:57

If you enjoy going to that particular choir I wouldn't pursue it. Something similar happened at my choir (matched on a dating app and went on a date) and it was all pretty awkward. If you could happily find a new choir then get to know him a bit better by suggesting everyone goes for a drink either before or after choir. For a start, are you sure he's single? And the right sexual orientation?

SgtJuneAckland · 17/12/2023 11:59

Why don't you suggest to the group going for a Christmas drink after the last session before Christmas, take the time to chat to him and get to know him outside of choir

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 12:41

Sera1989 · 17/12/2023 11:57

This would be my concern.
If you pursue it, chances are you’ll have to stop going to the choir.

I personally would just admire from afar and then chat to him and the other members afterwards.

In time, you can become better friends and then see if it develops into anything.

Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 12:55

Just keep going and build a friendship

whatever happens a friendship is a good foundation

he might like you
he might be attacked
he might not fancy you

time will tell ?

notprincehamlet · 17/12/2023 13:20

Come on, baby, rub my choir
Try to set the night on fire ...
Sorry op, I bring nothing constructive to this thread, but excellent typo

maras2 · 17/12/2023 13:23

I'm so gonna borrow that and use as my own, secret euphemism.

iklboo · 17/12/2023 13:26

Typo of the year for me!

Agree with others - talk to him, suggest a choir drink / meal out one time, ask if he needs help setting up or packing away sort of thing.

Barmecide · 17/12/2023 13:26

Choir-rubbing? You filthy animal!

I agree with a pp. Propose a general drink after practice and see what that brings? Do you even know he’s single?

Original poster

Fairylights246 · 17/12/2023 13:57

Hahaha thanks everyone, I could definitely do with some rubbing so that must have been my unconscious coming through there, haha.

Yeah, I did think he may be gay (stereotyping I know, but hey ho) but he has made quips about being single and someone in the choir said he had a girlfriend but they broke up in the summer.

Yeah, I think I need to find some ways to chat to him. With regards to arranging a group drink or social thing, the choir have done that a few times but he hasn't come along. I don't know if that is because for him it is work, and he doesn't want to blur the lines, or whether it is linked to his neurodivergence and maybe not wanting or feeling a bit hesitant around the social interaction with a big group?

I think as you have said, trying to chat a bit, build a friendship. It just feels hard to do that without seeming so obvious, and I'm not very confident so I'd really have to make it intentional, like going up to him and starting some sort of conversation. Sometimes I do get there early to help put the chairs out, but he's off doing his own thing and setting stuff up. Argh, I think maybe it feels too hard!! I don't even know him, but maybe because I had such a good time there, I've linked that to him!

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 17/12/2023 14:35

Sera1989 · 17/12/2023 11:57

It’s a choir, not a school.

So many things never happen because of hesitancy. Go for it! He can always say no if not interested. But with luck, you might get him rubbing something else that begins with the letter “C”.

Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 14:41

Heh John can I catch you after for a quick word ?
Or even better if you have his number text him a link and say
Hi John I saw there is a chamber choir concert on Bath next week but I wondering if you fancied going - ? Xx Emma from choir ? Then you can gauge it - you can see what he says

Singleandproud · 17/12/2023 14:43

@Fairylights246 Neurodivergence is a huge range I'm assuming autistic rather than dyslexic. Many people with autism struggle with food and avoid food related nights out and avoid noisy places like pubs. Do you have a board game cafe nearby? That might work well and stereotyping many other choir members are perhaps likely to be introverts and prefer the quieter setting too. Or perhaps you could organise a choir fundraiser game night working alongside him?

It shouldn't matter that you are a member of the choir and he is the leader, it's a voluntary recreational event, there isn't he same imbalance as happens with colleagues or service providers and users.

ValuableLimeLesson · 17/12/2023 15:40

Does the choir have a committee? In my experience, committees are crying out for members, and it'd be a chance to see a bit more of him and get to know him.

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