Unexpected Connection

[JasmineBa]

I'm really hoping to get some honest advice and perspective on a situation that's causing me some confusion. I’ve name changed but regular poster.

I am currently engaged to a partner, whom I loved deeply, and we were planning our dream wedding. However things have been difficult recently and they have been in a bad place. I’ve been struggling to see if this is the right relationship and really only stayed as we have child together age 2.

In my workplace, I have a colleague who is about ten years younger than me (let's call her Jess). Over the past few months, Jess and I have had some interactions that have been undeniably special. We share a natural chemistry, mutual interests, and a remarkably similar value system. It almost feels like we're two peas in a pod. She is bisexual and I’ve always had unexplored tendencies. I’m not even sure she is interested in me but there has been so many hints; lots of wanting to spend more time with me than not - mirrored body language, dilated eyes, smirks etc.

Now, please believe me when I say that I take the sanctity of marriage incredibly seriously. I am fully committed to my partner and would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, it's getting harder and harder to ignore the intense attraction and pull I feel towards Jess.

I am torn between staying true to the love I share with my fiancé or exploring this undeniable connection with Jess. I understand that crushes can sometimes be transient, but this feels deeper than that.

Has anyone ever experienced a situation like this before? How did you navigate through it? Did you ignore the pull or try to explore the relationship further?
I am fully aware that there are no easy answers here, and only I can make the final decision. Still, I am genuinely interested in hearing about anyone's personal experiences or any advice you may have. How do you distinguish between fleeting infatuation and a genuine connection that could potentially change your life? I don’t want to ruin my child’s life for the sake of infatuation but it just feels like me and her are completely in sync.

I’m fully aware I’ll get a grilling and want to reiterate I will never cheat - just isn’t in my nature so it would be confessing to my partner that I don’t know whether I want to marry or what options I need to explore.

How do you distinguish between fleeting infatuation and a genuine connection that could potentially change your life?

Tricky thing is, I don't think you can - not in advance. And you could have a Sliding Doors point where Jess exits your life and the memory eventually fades and you live happily ever after with your partner, whereas equally possibly if you had left to be with Jess, you might have the most beautiful, fulfilling love you never dreamt possible.

Or, of course, another possibility is that you leave to be with Jess and things then go pear-shaped with her. Or you stick with your partner but that goes pear-shaped for reasons you can't predict, and you end up meeting Tess or Jim instead!

What I'm saying is, the way you categorise the relationship will also depend on what direction you take it in and what happens. There isn't a litmus test you can take for this.

All you can do is take actions and have conversations, one step in front of another, holding onto your own sense of purpose and what feels right, treating people with respect and thinking as you go. Obviously, in your case, a big part of that will be about your child.

Something like that, anyway. As with most things Relationships, easier said than done.

You finish one relationship before you jump to the next.

You have a 2 year old and presumably good man you are about to marry and you're thinking of not only throwing it away, but hugely disadvantaging your child because of a pull you feel?!

Im sorry but this is hugely selfish to even consider. You're time for exploring relationships was before you had a child, a child that deserves the stability and nurturing from two parents.

So in answer to your question, no, I would not choose to put a romantic connection above my child's future development. I would however, try and discover what I needed to work on in my current relationship to help stop feelings like this that could potential seriously disadvantage 3-4 peoples lives.

You say you deeply love your partner but then say you only stay because you have a child together..It seems to me your feelings aren't as strong as you think if you're now so attracted to someone else and you're only there for the child. I would make an effort to reassess your life to see where you want it to go.

Thank you. Just to add one point I don’t believe it disadvantages a child for parents not to be together. Most families now aren’t forever people - I know that sounds cynical but I personally it’s worse watching your parents in an unhappy marriage full of arguing as mine were.

I’m just so confused about what to do that feels right.

@JasmineBa

With all due respect, it does disadvantage a child. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, it's fact.

Having two parents argue all the time also disadvantages a child but I was answering in regard to your personal post.

Blending families is not fun, it is hugely unsettling for a child and places a massive burden on the new relationship itself. At the moment you're dealing with a fantasy not reality.
The reality will look something completely different to the connection you are feeling right now.

i appreciate your view I just feel regardless of my situation that it is hard to know if it does disadvantage a child when parents aren’t together

Well our huge family and circle of friends all married years I think you don't know the advantages of 2 parents

Dh & I have a child each and then joint children.

I would do everything in my power to stay in my relationship and keep our children raised in our home with both of us. It's probably the number one reason we have made sure our relationship is a priority for both of us.

Having watched our respective older children shuffled back and forth their whole childhood, deal with several step parents, combinations of half siblings, step siblings. Having to navigate issues with things as simple as birthday parties, being able to attend extra circular activities.

You lose control and influence on the way they are raised, their childhood experiences, miss half at best maybe worse of their childhood.

Your co parenting will be 100% influenced by your ex s and your new relationships. Positively potentially but also negatively.

No I wouldn't be leaving and breaking up our family unit when there is still love because I wanted to explore a sexual connection with someone else. There is no butterfly feeling or dilating of pupils that would make me go through that or put our younger kids in that position.

Why are they difficult? Is it your partners behaviour towards you? Or your feelings towards this other person?

It's pretty common when someone in a relationship develops feelings for someone else to begin to vilify the existing relationship to validate allowing that situation to develop.

My ex left me for his work crush - it was just lust and he begged me back, I realised my worth and wasn’t going to be second best and put my feelings at risk of being dropped again and cause even more disruption to DC life.

5 years on and I still haven’t trusted anyone enough or been ready to have a relationship with.

I hope whatever you choose works out for you though.

Ended it then do what to want, but put your child first

Dilated eyes and smirking

Sorry I don't have personal experience in this which is what you're asking for. I just wanted to ask if you've talked to your partner about you being attracted to women, and the possibility of an open or poly marriage. I've heard many people in this situation who opted for it and have been happy and fulfilled. I can imagine how difficult this must be. I think you should talk about your thoughts and feelings openly with both your partner and the friend. I'm sure that's where the answers are.

Sounds like you're already gathering excuses for yourself?
Are you expecting your fiance to be ecstatic for you to head off into the sunset with Jess and that'll include him happily moving out of your joint home?.. Will you be happy only seeing your child 50% of time?

I had this, the intense feeling that I knew was way more than a crutch. I left my ex and started new relationship. Best thing I ever did

Did you have kids? (With your ex, I mean)

Don't marry someone you aren't 100% about. If you are having issues please go to counselling and try and work through them before throwing it all away.

I know someone who had flirty times with a person while they were married, but as soon as they split with their husband the flirty times stopped. Some people are just flirts, especially when they think it will go nowhere so there is no pressure to live up to that promise of fun times together.

I share the view of @Cornwallsummer and am in the throes of what may have a similar outcome. Years ago I developed an immediate connection with a colleague which neither of us acted on nor discussed for years - just enjoyed the fact our work afforded us time together which enabled us to really get to know each other and enjoy a deep sense of companionship. Out of the blue, this year, my almost 20 year relationship ended, triggered by a discovery about my husband I couldn't live with and my colleague (and by now close friend) supported me through a delicate situation. This intensified the friendship and eventually he told me he felt a sense of connection and 'love' for me he'd never experienced in his entire life which is exactly the same for me. Things became physical at this point- both of us having consciously not allowed this before. The situation is not easy as he's in his early 60s, long term married - he tells me he has tried several times to talk to his wife about his feelings having changed over the years but each time she threatens suicide if he were to leave her and he's clearly scared. He's hoping she'll slowly accept and be in a better place for him to leave. It's clear that he never anticipated the marriage ending because as he puts it he'd 'never experienced a feeling of such intense love before' as he has for me.

It's obviously tricky but something in my gut feels the best path for me is to just wait, not to exert pressure and hope that our mutually felt, intense care for each other can be expressed fully and openly one day. I had wondered whether it would all fizzle out after a while once things turned physical, but in fact it has all pointed to the fact that our mutually agreed feeling of 'deep companionship connection' is aligned to a physical chemistry, so if anything we are becoming even closer.

OP I too was the child of unhappily married parents and have 2 children of my own. The first is a confident and successful adult in her mid twenties and really enjoys the combinations of the several half siblings she has. Her dad and I committed to giving her a stable childhood, despite not remaining together, and clearly did no worse at our parenting than any other normal loving parents who remain together! Embracing living a full life doesn't always align with the traditional structures of society and marriage and sometimes tricky situations can evolve into something incredibly fulfilling. My thoughts are to talk to both of these adults in your life at this point - should be easier as nothing physical has yet happened with your crush. The tragedy would be to commit to a marriage whilst having a gut feeling that something deep inside you is still searching to express itself in relationship terms but feeling you can't change track in your life's journey. Good luck!

Dilated eyes?🤣

Don't get married, you're just kicking the can down the road and it will be so much harder in the future.

The first time I got married, I had huge doubts, was flirting all over the place, thought it was just what you were supposed to do etc etc. it was a huge mistake and I didn't have the life experience at 22 to realise that I could just change my mind.

You might have something going on with Jess. I agree with a lot of what @Cornwallsummer and @chimneypot69 say. I eventually left my marriage, have had an unconventional set up where I have been with a partner for 15 years because we decided not to blend families when the children were younger and we only just bought a house together. Be honest with everyone in your life, and see what happens. Yes, you have a child, but that doesn't mean you are now shackled to only live a conventional conservative life because 'wont somebody (usually the woman) think of the children!'

Respectfully, So things got bad and you looked elsewhere? Grow up.

I'm not saying you have to be with one person forever or you should stay together for the children but life is hard and relationships are harder. This reads like someone who isn't ready for it.

I would focus first on why you're having difficulties in your relationship with your fiance, can they be fixed? Can you get couples' therapy?

Definitely, don't get married if you have doubts.

If the differences between your fiance and you are irreparable, then leave but see it as a different issue, don't leave because of Jess.

I also agree and the facts are stark. Single parenthood and blended families massively impacts on children, their wellbeing and development. However, sometimes it is the only realistic option if a relationship has broken down.

My daughter has friends whose parents have divorced and bemoan to her the difficult,ties of pleasing both, living between houses, new partners, step siblings. She talks to me a lot and it is a real insight of what some of them have been through and it makes me totally thankful that DH and I have always managed to navigate the tough times, and listen to her say how glad she is that she has two parent's together

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I haven’t decided anything just gauging opinion and I do want to put my child first. I understand the blended thing as my partner has a child from a previous relationship so have some experience. I don’t want to get married and regret it which would be even more traumatic for my child but also don’t want to destroy the family dynamic on the basis of a whim.

I think the issue possibly lies in that you aren’t 100% happy in your relationship. I would say go and get some counselling to figure that out first. If you leave it needs to be for you. I think our heads turn when we are not happy. But if you leave the ideal would be to work on you. Not to jump into a relationship with someone else. However it sounds like your sexuality may also need exploring in therapy?