Unexpected Connection

[JasmineBa]

I'm really hoping to get some honest advice and perspective on a situation that's causing me some confusion. I’ve name changed but regular poster.

I am currently engaged to a partner, whom I loved deeply, and we were planning our dream wedding. However things have been difficult recently and they have been in a bad place. I’ve been struggling to see if this is the right relationship and really only stayed as we have child together age 2.

In my workplace, I have a colleague who is about ten years younger than me (let's call her Jess). Over the past few months, Jess and I have had some interactions that have been undeniably special. We share a natural chemistry, mutual interests, and a remarkably similar value system. It almost feels like we're two peas in a pod. She is bisexual and I’ve always had unexplored tendencies. I’m not even sure she is interested in me but there has been so many hints; lots of wanting to spend more time with me than not - mirrored body language, dilated eyes, smirks etc.

Now, please believe me when I say that I take the sanctity of marriage incredibly seriously. I am fully committed to my partner and would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, it's getting harder and harder to ignore the intense attraction and pull I feel towards Jess.

I am torn between staying true to the love I share with my fiancé or exploring this undeniable connection with Jess. I understand that crushes can sometimes be transient, but this feels deeper than that.

Has anyone ever experienced a situation like this before? How did you navigate through it? Did you ignore the pull or try to explore the relationship further?
I am fully aware that there are no easy answers here, and only I can make the final decision. Still, I am genuinely interested in hearing about anyone's personal experiences or any advice you may have. How do you distinguish between fleeting infatuation and a genuine connection that could potentially change your life? I don’t want to ruin my child’s life for the sake of infatuation but it just feels like me and her are completely in sync.

I’m fully aware I’ll get a grilling and want to reiterate I will never cheat - just isn’t in my nature so it would be confessing to my partner that I don’t know whether I want to marry or what options I need to explore.

You’re fixating on the wrong thing.

“I’ve been struggling to see if this is the right relationship and really only stayed as we have child together age 2”

Concentrate on this ^

Perhaps this other person has come into your life to shine a light on the fact that you’re questioning your current relationship and realising it isn’t right for you.

Put this crush to one side for a moment and acknowledge your relationship problems. Your choices are talk things through with your partner and resolve any differences in opinion you have or acknowledge that this might not be the right marriage partner for you.

Facts you have said pointed out:
She is 10 years younger.
You got a child.
You got a stable good relationship.
She is bisexual.
You are kind of curious but not sure yet because you have never been with a woman.

Now the statement:
The likelihood of that relationship working and giving you and your child the same stability (financial, support, love etc) is negligible, unless you had your child with 40 and she is 30, she is far to young to commit to a child that is not her in the long run and her salary is expected to be not to help you or your son in any way. That is a big no no.

The above is just purely for you and the kid, I am not pointing out any situation post splitting, relationship grieving etc. just a factual as I can.

You are dreaming of something that is a enormous nonsensical risk with the facts you have pointed out.

Don't feed the infatuation.

You say things have been ‘difficult’ and that your fiance is ‘in a bad place’: why? If, for example, he has behaved badly towards you and / or been a crap parent, understandable you’re thinking of ending the relationship.

the ‘dream wedding’ shouldn’t be a factor in your decision. If things are bad between you as a couple best cancel it.

your decision should be between being with your fiance or being single for a time. Leaping to immediately pursue another relationship would be a shit way to treat your fiance and not healthy for you or the new relationship.

Would minimise your time with Jess and be professional. You don’t really know her, or her values, whether you are actually alike etc. you’re making a lot of assumptions about her.

Thank you. I do agree the infatuation is a distraction and you’ve all helped me see it probably isn’t part of the problem. It is what it is and that will pass etc.
its more about the relationship I’m in

While you are distracted by this chemistry you are taking time from your family.

I have many connections over my life, I expect most people do. I have had many offers while married. However if they proposition me knowing I’m married I see them as low value people. Out of respect for them and their spouse I would NEVER proposition anyone engaged/married when I was single. I think it’s a sign of someone’s lack of values and not someone I would consider wasting my time with. I don’t want a serious relationship with someone who has poor boundaries and crap values.

Connections will always be there. Your integrity and self respect is worth far more to you.

As someone who ended things with my fiancé for a woman don’t do it! I am openly bisexual though, and we didn’t have a child.

It didn’t end happily for anyone. Obviously this is just my experience, but I did regret it a lot. This was over a decade ago now and I wish I could go back in time and not be an idiot.

I’m also a single parent, and Dd never sees her father because her step mum was violent towards her. It was utterly horrific, so it’s not just you and your potential partner you have to think of, it’s also who her dad meets. Which you have absolutely zero control over. I would think very, very long and hard about what you’re doing and whether any of this will benefit your child, or if you’re making decisions based on attraction. Which is never a good idea.

Parenting is putting yourself last a lot of the time, but that’s how it’s got to be. At least until your child is much older.

Concentrate on your relationship and decide where you want that to go, without including Jess in your decision-making. Make the right decision for your child.

If you decide to stay, then forget about Jess. The attraction to her is just a symptom of the state of your current relationship. Move jobs (or ask for redeployment if that is an option) so you don’t see her around.

If you decide to leave, only then should you respond to Jess's advances. Be prepared that, without having to chase you and knowing that you are no longer unobtainable, you are suddenly not as interesting to her. What then?

You’re incorrectly conflating two issues. You need to compartmentalise Jess and, for the sake of your child and your fiance who you’d presumably be devastating, sort out that relationship first – whether that means staying or ending it. Jess is and should not be a factor – if your current relationship is not right for you then if it wasn’t Jess, it would be someone else.

You’re not going to get an epiphany of clarity here as no one has a crystal ball. For that reason, focus on your current relationship and finding out how you feel about it – what went wrong, how you envision the future, what makes you happiest – including a very frank discussion with him. Stop bringing Jess into the equation and stop spending time with her as it will only further cloud your thoughts.

Your priority is your child. You should tell yourself that every day.

I think what @WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive is saying is that it’s ill advised to end your relationship solely because you have a crush on someone else and to chase it to the detriment of your partner and child. As I said in my comment, those two things shouldn’t be conflated. Jess isn’t your magical soulmate who fate has cruelly made you meet later in life – your feelings are a symptom of your current failing relationship and you would be doing your child a huge disservice not to prioritise it, even if it does ultimately end. At least it would have ended for the right reasons.

She didn't say kind of curious but never been with a woman. She said, unexplored tendencies. Your sexuality doesn't magically manifest and fix as soon as you're sexual with another human. You don't get a hetrosexual/bisexual/pansexual/homosexual etc etc tattoo the moment you touch your first set of someone's genitals.

Sounds like OP would indeed benefit from some counselling around all.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you're 100% in the relationship, if you're 'only staying' for your child. I have been in a similar scenario, except no kids. I developed an intense crush on a friend and knew he felt the same. So I ended my relationship. Never went anywhere with the friend, was just the push I needed.

I've learnt that I only ever really get a wandering eye when my relationship isn't working - I've never felt this way before. I honestly think that's probably the case for a lot of people - they're unhappy with something whether it be sex, division of labour, communication, affection, excitement. Whatever.

Because you've got a child I'd say you need to identify what that thing is and whether it can be worked on, before leaving and creating a broken home. Work on your relationship independent of Jess. Put some distance between the two of you so you can have mental clarity. You can't just abandon your family unit on the basis of a crush, because crushes are well known for being rooted in a whole lot of nothing. Once you get to know Jess fully, you may not even like her - she is just a person with flaws like everyone else.

I will say though that I come from a broken home and I am successful and happy. All my friends are the same - don't have a single friend whose parents are together. I think it's far more common these days that people's parents are divorced by the time they're in their 20's so if the relationship can't work, don't be too hard on yourself. Family still together is obviously the ideal but it's not some sort of death sentence for your child if you separate.

Completely echo this!

I have a Dd from previous marriage. Had been married 10 years then he cheated when I was pregnant, he shagged around for a year then left.

My Dd was 1 at the time he left and everyone said that as she was so young it would be the 'norm' for her and it was so common these days bla bla bla....

BUT
She's struggled immensely with it and 8 years later is still really unsettled with splitting her time between 2 houses. She accepts the OW as a stepmum but hates that I have a new partner (she doesn't dislike him and he doesn't live with us, but she struggles with it not just being the 2 of us and suffers from separation anxiety.

I'm not saying the alternative of growing up in a household of shouting/abuse is healthy either so wouldn't encourage others in extreme circumstances to stay.

However, what really upsets me as people acting like it's nothing at all just because "it's so common these days" and "kids adjust"

I will never cheat - just isn’t in my nature

Youalready are, you are putting your energy* into someone else, who isn't your partner, you are in EA territory *

Redirect your energy back to your relationship and see if it ignites the spark again, if not leave, then and only then should you pursue this other person.

Thanks all for the advice. Hugely interesting to read the various takes and responses. Given me lots of think about

Don't marry if you are having doubts about the relationship, don't marry (yet) if you think that in the future you will want some kind of open or poly relationship to allow you explore both facets of your sexuality... Speak to your partner... If you can't have this kind of open, uncomfortable conversation with him, don't marry!!

Don't just try to shut down your bisexuality and hide it from yourself and your partner and continue with a wedding while you feel confused. If/ when it comes to the fore again, maybe years down the line, you may come to resent him and he'll feel lied to.

Thank you I hugely appreciate all the advice. I’ve tried so hard today to reconnect

So he's a bad guy if he doesn't want to consider an open, poly relationship?
I absolutely wouldn't marry if this was posed to me!

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I didn't say that at all. I did say that if OP has doubts about the relationship (or about her ability/ wish to be monogamous or about her sexuality) she shouldn't marry, at least not without first having some serious conversations with her potential husband.

Plenty of bisexual people are perfectly happy in a monogamous relationship but the fact OP felt a strong connection with this woman and feels a desire to explore that is probably something that is worth discussing before a wedding happens!

If she knows this about herself now she's doing both her and her potential husband a disservice by trying to pretend to be straight and ready to make a lifelong monogamous commitment, don't you think?

No you haven't, if you have one eye off the ball already.

You need to put 100% effort into your relationship, make sure household chores are 50/50, you are going on date nights, tell him he looks handsome, cuddles, kisses, etc

To my mind you have already checked out, because you have moved your focus elsewhere.

Amazing how you know what I did yesterday.

If you're attracted to someone else and you haven't even gotten married yet, you are NOT ready. Let your fiance go.