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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I messed up

33 replies

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 18:37

Hi brief background. My ex and I split in 2022, were friends for years prior to a 2 year relationship he ended as he couldn’t say ILY. Anyway, we had a fall out earlier this year and got back in touch after 4 months. We chatted on texts about Christmas etc and I mentioned a present he bought me a couple of years earlier were the worst thing (foot warmers you shake to activate). Anyway, he went mad at me for “assassinating his character” and said he doesn’t want to speak to me again.

Ive apologised as it was meant in jest as I spoke about a present I got years ago too.

OP posts:

User1775 · 16/12/2023 18:38

You haven't messed up - he sounds awful - miserable, avoidant and can't take a joke. Raise your standards!

StopStartStop · 16/12/2023 18:39

Excellent. Block him, everywhere, and never speak to him again.

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 18:42

I feel bad for being ungrateful. I’m not materialistic at all and would rather give than receive. He is paid well and admits he is “tight with money”.

i suffer from bad anxiety and it’s made it worse again. I can’t cope with the off/on in so called friendships.

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 16/12/2023 18:47

Oh come on, you can't be grateful for shaking foot warmers ffs! He didn't give a thought to that present and was hoping you'd forgotten all about it. Now it's clear you remember, he's blaming you for it.

Why are you having anything to do with him anyway?

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:06

@MILTOBE i just feel bad for being ungrateful about it. I didn’t think he would react so badly.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/12/2023 19:10

Sounds like he was looking for something to get angry about. Was he drunk or something?

Overall, you're probably better off not having him in your life if he's going to be ridiculous.

TurnerP · 16/12/2023 19:14

category12 · 16/12/2023 19:10

Sounds like he was looking for something to get angry about. Was he drunk or something?

Overall, you're probably better off not having him in your life if he's going to be ridiculous.

I agree
He was testing the waters seeing if you'd still be open, but another fish could have come along, or another ex so he needed an excuse to drop you, or he sounds very toxic at best

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:21

@category12 @TurnerP no he doesn’t really drink. I presume he’s not in a good place atm as he said recently he had a “meltdown” at a fast food place as the touch screen was not working properly. He then got a refund and sat outside with his head in his hands but doesn’t know why he reacted this way. He is impatient as we have been for meals and he has got up and walked out before now rather than wait to be served.

OP posts:

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:21

We are late 40s and early 50s btw.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/12/2023 19:23

Also, he doesn't sound like he would have been very good for your mental health when you were in a relationship?

If he was emotionally unavailable, I'm thinking your anxiety would have been exacerbated by that.

Maybe you need to keep people who aren't good for you out of your life, rather than letting them back in to cause you upset all over again?

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:24

I apologised more than once via message as he won’t answer his phone. The last message said “he doesn’t want me to speak to him anymore” and “leave him alone and move on with my life”

I feel so bad.

OP posts:

TurnerP · 16/12/2023 19:24

I see if it's more impulsive outbursts then after having some time to calm down he might reach out to you again

category12 · 16/12/2023 19:30

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:24

I apologised more than once via message as he won’t answer his phone. The last message said “he doesn’t want me to speak to him anymore” and “leave him alone and move on with my life”

I feel so bad.

Why?! He's just a bloody drama llama.

You poked a bit of fun at the shit present he once bought you and he threw an absolute wobbler of a tantrum over it. It's not normal. It's not you, it's him

Bournetilly · 16/12/2023 19:32

He sounds ridiculous. Just be glad you aren’t together anymore and don’t need to contact him!

Winnipeggy · 16/12/2023 19:32

He has done you the biggest favour you could ever ask for. You would spend your life walking on eggshells with this kind of man and it would be miserable. Cut and run.

AgnesX · 16/12/2023 19:34

I really wouldn't worry....if he's got a bee in his bonnet about a present from years ago and can't laugh about it, he takes himself too seriously and you're best off without him.

There was clearly a reason you parted company.

Thelnebriati · 16/12/2023 19:38

Would you consider going for counselling to work out why you feel you messed up and need to apologise in this situation? Its starting to sound like you have a case of FOG - fear, anxiety and guilt.
Google 'out of the FOG' for more info.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/12/2023 19:40

The fact he brought you a shit and thoughtless present and you commented on it is character assassination? From someone who admits he is tight with money? You are so much better off without this arse.

DinoDays · 16/12/2023 19:46

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 19:24

I apologised more than once via message as he won’t answer his phone. The last message said “he doesn’t want me to speak to him anymore” and “leave him alone and move on with my life”

I feel so bad.

Good grief! What a Drama Llama!

Him not you!

Please delete and block this waste of your time. And never think of him again!

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 20:07

It escalated from last week where we were due to go for a drink before the Christmas markets and onto the cinema before a meal. As it was going to be a late one I asked if u could stay over. Nothing in it just to save me travelling late at night. He said “no” then cancelled less than 1 minute later saying something has come up.

OP posts:

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 20:19

@Thelnebriati I’ve had years of counselling & therapy and they all say the same “self esteem”. My friends really don’t like my ex as he said some horrible things to me over the last few years. The reason we had a fall out last year is that I felt a bit stronger and confronted him on the stuff he used to say and how he put me down throughout the relationship. Hence I was blocked for 3 months.

i have a big issue with losing people after many bereavements, I feel like I’ve gone insane at times.

He just messaged to say “I may message you next week”.

I honestly don’t know why I’m like this and letting him make me feel more anxious again. I know I have to cut him off once and for all.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/12/2023 20:26

Block him, OP.

He's no good.

Your friends are right about him.

Olika · 16/12/2023 20:26

This man is toxic and you should stay away from him.

Original poster

cottonwoolballs · 16/12/2023 22:02

@category12 yes, my MH declined in the relationship. You hit the nail on the head regarding him being emotionally unavailable.

OP posts:

category12 · 17/12/2023 08:58

I think you've got to get better at self-care and boundaries, op.

How will your self esteem improve if you spend your time & energy on people who treat you like crap? You've got to treat yourself as if you like yourself and as if you deserve more, even when you don't believe it. Fake it until you make it.

When someone treats you poorly, walk away from the relationship, especially a romantic partner, don't keep letting them back into your life. 4 months ago, you should have said no to renewing contact. (I bet your friends were against it?)

And when someone behaves unreasonably and picks a fight over nothing, don't let your first reaction be to go running after them apologising. Stop and sit with it. Think "hey maybe I'm not in the wrong here, maybe this person is behaving oddly."

This guy isn't a friend to you.
He was a harmful boyfriend to you.
Block him and keep him out of your life.

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