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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I'm being abused

50 replies

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:04

I'm a stay at home mum to my ,18 month old boy. My partner works full time. I'm a qualified HCA and have always worked. Then after my mat leave I went back to work part time and my partner had our son on the week ends while I worked. Eventually I gave my job up because partner didn't want to work all week and then have the whole weekend with our son. In other words he wanted some free time. We aren't entitled to any free childcare and even if I did go back to work we couldnt afford to pay childcare fees at the moment.
The problem is my partner is constantly using it against me that he pays th bills, and "I live here rent free". He controls all the money, I have to ask if I want anything. He will always moan at me and try to blackmail me with things like "sexual favours or else he won't make the car payment" or if I don't do this he won't pay the car insurance. Its my car and I've had the finance before we met, but I don't go no where in it, he drags me out of bed at ,4am every morning to take.him to work (he doesn't drive). Of I'm so miserable. We aren't entitled to any benefits as he earns too much. Sometimes I have to beg for food shopping or nappies or anything really. I've had to beg for him to give me money to buy our son Christmas gifts. He gambles too and when I say anything about him gambling he just says it's his money and it none of my business. I have no friends I can go to. I've got no family I can go to. I've got no money, no friends, no family and I'm just stuck here being miserable and belittled and controlled. I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore but I've no where to live, no money to survive. Plus I have severe anxiety and OCD. He says I'll never survive on my own and sometimes I quite believe it. He's not actually abusive to m in the sense of physically. Its more the blackmailing and the making me feel like shit and just degrading me. Always bullying me for my weight or not having a job or eating too much, using too much gas and electric etc it's not fair and I can't see what to do. I do love him but I can't live like this. He has this sense of self importance and he likes the fact that and DS and totally reliant on him financially so he blackmails me and I just go along with it because I don't want my son to suffer.

OP posts:

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/12/2023 20:07

I do love

Baffling. How can you possibly love someone like him? He is an abusive pig
What do you love about him?

Legoroses · 15/12/2023 20:12

I think it's amazing that this you are able to articulate this so clearly while still right in the middle of it. That seems like a really good beginning to start to rebuild your life without this pathetic man. He can't drive. He can't survive without you. Fuck him.

You won't have anxiety once he's out of your life, sweetheart. Of course you're anxious. Everyone reading this is terrified for you.

Do you ever go out to see the health visitor? Any stay and plays? Sure start?

HappyHedgehog247 · 15/12/2023 20:12

I'm so glad you posted here. You've recognized it and you already know it's wrong and you want to leave and don't want to live like this. Women's aid and/or local domestic abuse charity can help you. Speak to your GP, get some counselling. You can survive without him, in fact you will thrive. You work, you already had the car, you look after your son. You are so capable.

Charlieradioalphapapa · 15/12/2023 20:13

I related to a lot of your post - especially the part about believing I wouldn’t manage on my own. Because id been infantilised and patronised, I truly believed it. I stayed in the marriage for 23 years and my only regret is the vast chunk of my life believing and putting up with such a toxic shit.

Is there a neighbour or someone you’ve worked in who you could confide in. I ended up going to a neighbour I hardly knew and asking if I could use her phone. She was so lovely. There’s Woman’s Aid and even your GP who can help.

even if there aren’t people who you are close to at the moment, you just need someone who might be compassionate and able to step in. Most of all. Please trust you can manage, you don’t have to stay and put up with this. I remember this stage as the hardest and most scary - when I’d made the decision but had no clue how to go about it. But it’s worth doing whatever you can and speaking to whoever you can think of who could help you. You can do this.

noooooooo · 15/12/2023 20:14

Take this to Women’s Aid and see what they have to advise; this is emotional, sexual and financial abuse.

‘He says I'll never survive on my own and sometimes I quite believe it.’

this form of words is so common, you’d think they hand out cards to abusers suggesting ’this is a good sentence to keep people where you want them.’

As is the isolation. I know we’re only boxes full of writing but you’re not friendless anymore. But seek real life support as soon as you can. This isn’t going to get better alone.

Legoroses · 15/12/2023 20:14

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

mamahg · 15/12/2023 20:18

As previous poster mentioned, for someone in the middle of this situation you articulated it so well.

Please go to women's aid/speak to the police and they will help you get away asap. I wouldn't trust someone like that alone with a child for a whole weekend.
Coming from experience, abuse can start off financially/emotionally and later on it turns into physical abuse. They get off on power and making you feel belittled.

Please, for the sake of you and your baby, pack your bags when he's at work and go to the police. I had to beg my friend for years to do this before he started physically assaulting her and she's still stuck in that relationship and it has completely destroyed her. She stayed because she felt like she had no one to go to.

Original poster

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:20

Thank you for your replies. Its just the anxiety of being all alone and I won't cope. I rely on him for everything. I've just tried to stick up for myself and I get he old "I'm.sick of you going on, I'm going to go upstairs Away from you,". Told him not to bother, I'll go upstairs and tomorrow I'm gonna packy things and I'll drive the 100 miles trip to my dads. But I know if I confide in my parents there will be no going back. I'm really having a panic attack right now.

OP posts:

Legoroses · 15/12/2023 20:26

Oh, your parents will be so pleased to have you back. And your child will have his life transformed. And you, capable, insightful, strong AlltheJays will turn back into your real self.

How will you not cope? What nonsense! You cope with far worse now.

Ragruggers · 15/12/2023 20:27

Do you get on well with your Dad will he support you? if so please go tomorrow,pack the essentials and paperwork that you have and go.You can do this.

Original poster

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:28

Ragruggers · 15/12/2023 20:27

Do you get on well with your Dad will he support you? if so please go tomorrow,pack the essentials and paperwork that you have and go.You can do this.

I do get on with my dad we just dont speak much anymore because he is so far away. I just know that if I go to my dad and tell him everything he ill be so upset.

OP posts:

CyberCritical · 15/12/2023 20:28

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:20

You don't rely on him for everything. You rely on him for money and you can get that somewhere else.

Go to one of the benefits calculators and see what help you'll get if you are a lone parent.

Try out some different scenarios with private rent and working some hours. UC may cover some of your childcare costs and rent.

dontbuyadell · 15/12/2023 20:28

With the exception of money what does he do for you?
Nothing! Your already doing the bill of looking after your son!

You can do this. You don't need him. If you leave him you will be entitled to benefits whilst you get on your feet.

Do you own the house or is it a private rental?

mamahg · 15/12/2023 20:30

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:20

Oh many of us who will read this will be able to understand this feeling you have. Believe me, you WILL be able to get through this. It's making the decision that's so hard. You know you've got to make the decision, it's doing it that's so bloody hard. Especially when you want to keep a family together for your little one. But it's best if you do leave and live a free life. If you can drive to your dad's while he's at work then please do it. At least for the safety of your own son. He won't be able to drive there anyway, he can't drive. After you get to your dad's, you can start making other plans like going to the police etc etc. it'll be long winded but it'll be so so worth it, living without the stress. And your son won't need to grow up in a toxic environment.

Sending you lots of hugs from here xxx

makeminealargeoneagain · 15/12/2023 20:31

Tomorrow take the essentials and leave with your baby and drive to your dad's. Leave this abusive man. New Year, new start. You are worth so much more. Your baby will be much happier away from abusive environment. Take care xx

dontbuyadell · 15/12/2023 20:31

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:20

Is he at work tomorrow?
I'd wait until you have dropped him at work and then leave with as much as you can get in the car.
If he's not at work this weekend then that gives you a couple of days to get things together. Find important paperwork and possessions.

Ragruggers · 15/12/2023 20:31

Your Dad will want to help you and you get on well with him.You cannot live like this any longer.Please go.You can claim benefits in your own name and start to build your life with your child.You can do this.

Barkybarkynutnut · 15/12/2023 20:35

Just as PP have said…. Of course you can do this! Do it for ur son if you can’t do it for you! You are both worth so much more. Get your stuff together and leave tomorrow. Take birth cert passport etc. Don’t get all sentimental. This abuser doesn’t deserve you.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/12/2023 20:35

OP.....do it!!!! I was a single parent at 21 with an abusive man. I left him and had a wonderful life. I did my nurses training and have my own home and a great life. No life can be worse than Ivinghoe with that maggot. I didn't think I'd manage either but I did and it felt so good to be free. I didn't have anyone at all but I did it.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 15/12/2023 20:35

OP take people's advice to drop him off to work then go home grab your stuff and drive to your dad's.
But please don't say another word to him about leaving. Don't let him think you might actually be about to go or he will do something to stop you. And you might not get another chance so easily.
Yes your dad may be upset but he would be even more upset if he knew what you were going through and thinking you couldn't leave. He'll be glad to help you.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/12/2023 20:38

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 20:20

Do it OP!! Go to your parents, tell them the entire truth. It sounds as though you really need someone to break the cycle as you are going to struggle to break it on your own, purely due to the way he has made you feel about yourself, which is so common! Go to your parents, confide in them, start your life again without him. Let them support you as I am sure they will want to.

Pack your bags now, for you and your child. Pack whatever you need and can fit in the car and then just drive in the morning x

ExTrex · 15/12/2023 20:38

I've been in your situation. It took me 10 years from the start of the abuse to leave. Its not easy. You will eventually have enough, it might take time but you will.
But start planning now at least. Take little steps to take back control of your own life. Think of ways you can earn your own money. Save up, talk to your dad, make new friends, build a life. And then go.
You will be fine on your own. I was like you, and im so happy now that I'm out. You'll get there!

Opentooffers · 15/12/2023 20:47

If you don't qualify for free childcare, then he was always probably earning enough for your DC to go to nursery during the week, so you could of done your work hours then and not just at the weekends.
Shows it was always about control. Talk to your Dad first, best not to just land on them. But then high-tail it out of there. HCA's are needed in all areas of the country, so I'm sure you could easily pick up a position while living with your family- if they can't help with childcare, perhaps they could take your DC to nursery at least.
You might find you have more independence living with family, and can dmsave for a better future. Plus you will get more out of him with CM payments than he currently gives - put that towards childcare.

samqueens · 15/12/2023 21:03

There’s already masses of support and understanding on this thread but I just wanted to add another voice saying you can do this. You have a qualification that will help provide a job, you can drive and you have a car, you have a dad you know loves you and who can provide a safe space for you and your son. You’ve already got experience of working and parenting side by side. You have everything you need to start fresh.

I know you’re fearful about what your dad might say, and that confiding in him will create a point of no return. But as a parent, wouldn’t you want to be there for your son? To support him and (even if he sometimes makes choices that are bad for him) be there for him? Would you want to think of him too scared to come home to you because he fears your judgment when all you want to do is help?

If you can’t get in the car and leave tomorrow (although that sounds like a great option) do call women’s aid and start making a plan… Don’t let your son learn that this is how he should treat his partner in years to come.

I really recommend the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft which (when you have access to your own money again) you can download on kindle app or Apple Books. If you can read it immediately then do! But don’t let your partner know. Don’t let him know that you’re thinking of upsetting the apple cart in any way.

If you do manage to reach your dad’s it is also a worthwhile read for someone supporting a person who has experienced abuse.

We are all rooting for you - you aren’t alone and you CAN do this.

Original poster

AlltheJays23 · 15/12/2023 21:08

dontbuyadell · 15/12/2023 20:28

With the exception of money what does he do for you?
Nothing! Your already doing the bill of looking after your son!

You can do this. You don't need him. If you leave him you will be entitled to benefits whilst you get on your feet.

Do you own the house or is it a private rental?

Its a private rental.

OP posts:

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