I know I'm being abused

[AlltheJays23]

I'm a stay at home mum to my ,18 month old boy. My partner works full time. I'm a qualified HCA and have always worked. Then after my mat leave I went back to work part time and my partner had our son on the week ends while I worked. Eventually I gave my job up because partner didn't want to work all week and then have the whole weekend with our son. In other words he wanted some free time. We aren't entitled to any free childcare and even if I did go back to work we couldnt afford to pay childcare fees at the moment.
The problem is my partner is constantly using it against me that he pays th bills, and "I live here rent free". He controls all the money, I have to ask if I want anything. He will always moan at me and try to blackmail me with things like "sexual favours or else he won't make the car payment" or if I don't do this he won't pay the car insurance. Its my car and I've had the finance before we met, but I don't go no where in it, he drags me out of bed at ,4am every morning to take.him to work (he doesn't drive). Of I'm so miserable. We aren't entitled to any benefits as he earns too much. Sometimes I have to beg for food shopping or nappies or anything really. I've had to beg for him to give me money to buy our son Christmas gifts. He gambles too and when I say anything about him gambling he just says it's his money and it none of my business. I have no friends I can go to. I've got no family I can go to. I've got no money, no friends, no family and I'm just stuck here being miserable and belittled and controlled. I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore but I've no where to live, no money to survive. Plus I have severe anxiety and OCD. He says I'll never survive on my own and sometimes I quite believe it. He's not actually abusive to m in the sense of physically. Its more the blackmailing and the making me feel like shit and just degrading me. Always bullying me for my weight or not having a job or eating too much, using too much gas and electric etc it's not fair and I can't see what to do. I do love him but I can't live like this. He has this sense of self importance and he likes the fact that and DS and totally reliant on him financially so he blackmails me and I just go along with it because I don't want my son to suffer.

Also - of course you’re anxious, ANYONE would feel anxious in this situation. Your anxiety is not a failing here - it’s completely rational and it’s telling you that things aren’t ok as they are, and that starting again will be hard. Both those things are true. Moving forward there will be new things to be anxious about. But being anxious about paying a bill, or getting a job is nothing, nothing like the constant, gut wrenching, nerve inducing tension of living with a man like this.

I went to stay with my DF after I left. He was so upset and at first didn’t believe how bad things were and begged me to go back to my partner. I think it was shock as well as his traditional views about marriage being for life. But when he did realise he was so supportive and did his absolute best to help. Please do go to your DF.

And about not being able to cope on your own - I have learned I am competent, independent, able to make good financial decisions, get help if I need it. I love being able to make my own choices and not have to put up with an abusive, irresponsible idiot. My ex mockingly told me I’d not cope as I didn’t live in the real world and never paid a bill in my life (well he didn’t let me). Turns out I'm incredibly organised, on top of household admin and can do all the ‘real world’ tasks as well if not better than most. And a hell of a lot better than he ever did.

it will be tough till while you rebuild your life and your eroded confidence and self esteem. But honestly you can . You have people on here who have been through similar and come out the other side . I couldn’t even see the tunnel, never mind a light of the end of it. But I got there and so will you. The relief is amazing.

I had all the worries you have. All the abuse you have. All the self-esteem damage you have…. But I’m sitting here right now with a partner who treats me like a partner not a piece of shit - it’s perfectly possible. Your dad will be upset because it’s upsetting - just get in the car now and go to him!

Omgggg get out!!! You don't rely on him for anything, you have to beg him for money and do sexual things to get your bills paid. My exh wasn't has bad as that controlling wise but he was a gambler and terrible with money and lied alot, I was so scared to be happy for what fuck up would happen next. He is like this because he is falling deeper into gambling trouble. Apply for benefits and get help with your rent, you don't need him. I loved my husband and am in my 30s with kids and I have sobbed and sobbed at it ending but I am not stressed now about money. Don't let him twist your mind go and be free

I agree with everyone.
Talk to Ur dad. Pack up Ur car and go.
Let Ur dad protect you and the little one.
What a heartbreaking story. Sending you love. There's a whole new and positive future ahead of you. Just be brave and take the next step.

Thank you so much everyone. He's not working this weekend so I'm going to wait until Monday and just silently make plans. To be honest, he's already said many times that his life would be easier if we left because he could move somewhere cheaper and wouldn't have to pay all these bills. He is not violent and never has been. I can't see him trying to stop me or come looking for me anyway. But just in case I will make silent plans and get through the weekend.

You’re being very brave OP. Hang in there. Come back here and tell us how you’re feeling if you need a safe space to talk over the weekend. Try and focus on your little one and on making it til Monday.

i don’t know if you’re in a city, but near me there are some houses with really full on Christmas lights and my LO used to love just going in the buggy to see those at around the same age (free fun - and thank you to the people who take the time to do all that decorating!). Also a great excuse to get out of the house and have a breather.

Oh yes yes of course his life will be easier so he can fully control all his gambling habits, selfish and manipulative! As I said I have been there. Dh was shit with money but also wanted me to go back to work full time, what to cover for his downfalls. I am glad you have seen sense and will leave. Also you have a young child just so you know as he gets older you will be restricted on days out because of your selfish husband but once you have control of your money then you will be able to give him a great childhood. You could try and go on the housing list as you have left due to abuse and be classed as overcrowded or homeless at your mums if the house is small, yes the wait is long but hopefully you will go on the priority list. Don't worry too much about money you might be better off, I mean you haven't got any now anyway so! Check entitled too calculator

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and if you have time tomorrow make a list of what you need to pack on Monday. Take it an hour at a time and try not to think about the next week, month etc. You’re in survival mode right now, so just think about your exit plans. And if you have time and need to get stuff off your chest, this is a safe place. I’m rooting for you OP. I left 17 years ago but can vividly remember being where you are right now. Sending strength and support

You are being horribly abused in every way by this vile piece of shit. You are in a terrible prison and you must escape.

Go to your dads- you will qualify for free childcare, and maintenance. You will never have to beg for money, or be told to prostitute yourself for the car payments, or worry about the toxic and poisoning effect of this man on you or your little boy ever again. Your dad may be disappointed, but I bet he’d be devastated if you stayed.

i wish you joy in your freedom.

You sound like a wonderful mum to your little boy 💖. I know you can do this. You'll be so relieved when you have left and you can build a new life for you both. Do take care x

Would you be able to live with your parents for a while whilst you get yourself sorted and on your feet? Have you looked into what you would be entitled to benefits wise so you can start doing some sums and having a look at what's affordable for you with housing etc??

Your p is horribly abusive - financially and emotionally. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse!

Please please tell your dad. Ask for his help.

You and your dc deserve so much more, you really do.

You are very capable, and once you are away from this horror your old self will come back. 💐

Please just pack a bag, take your baby, and go. You'll be so much better off without him, even financially. All he is doing is making you drown.

Oh what a horrible situation you’re in with a horrible man. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know you question if you can cope without him but just know that you can. You coped before he came along after all, and it sounds like you’re managing everything at home anyway so if you end it you’d actually have less to manage as you wouldn’t have to take care of an adult baby. The doubts you have will also be coming from him having crippled your self esteem, which is a common abuser tactic to make you more reliant on them and less likely to leave. Please confide in your dad and tell him EVERYTHING. I know that sounds scary because it means no going back to this relationship but you will be far safer physically and emotionally out of this situation.

You know what is best, but do you have to wait this long? If he catches wind that you're leaving, things could change pretty quickly. Grab what you need and leave ASAP.

PS all this is considered abuse so your partner is without a doubt abusive. He’s also committing a criminal offence in controlling and coercing you.

It truly sounds like your life will be so much better with him not in it OP! Make your plans and channel your fear into organising a new life for you and your little one. You have been brain washed by him into thinking you wont cope without him but you will 100% be okay. All that matters is you and your little one.

@AlltheJays23

Can you sneak away and call your dad this weekend and tell him to expect you on Monday? I know you said once you tell him there's no going back, but honestly, 'no going back' is exactly what you need.

Spend the weekend silently 'scoping the house' to see what you'll need to pack in the car to take with you. Don't worry about packing nicely. Throw things in bin bags and pillow cases and get the hell out of Dodge. Oh, and the first thing you do when you get to Dad's (or before you leave Monday) is to file a CMS claim and for child benefit if you don't already get that. Anything else can wait til you catch your breath.

You mention that this waste of space isn't 'violent'. Maybe he isn't, but he's abusing you all the same. You are being financially and emotionally abused. Get home to the people who have your back and get into counseling. You'll be glad you did.

Oh, and do NOT tell him you're leaving. You want to fold your tent and steal quietly away while he's at work.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

I felt the same, then I left. I've flourished on my own, I feel like it was the best gift I ever gave myself.

I'd definitely give women's aid a call, and start planning your exit strategy. If you don't feel able to be on your own initially, a refuge may be a good starting place.

You should be really proud of yourself x

I'm so pleased you've realised this is so wrong, and made your decision to leave.

He is abusive, in so many ways. He is a poor excuse of a husband and he won't get any better. Abuse is more likely to get worse. And over time, it will make your world smaller and smaller, and you will feel less and less of yourself, and it will be harder to leave. And he will have stolen even more of your precious life.

So please carry through with your plan to leave him. You won't regret it.

And don't worry about upsetting your parents. If my child was in your situation I hope they would come to me and let me help them. I'd be distraught at the idea that they'd been suffering but not told me for fear of upsetting me. When I left my Ex DH, confiding in my Dad was the turning point. His response - that I had their support, that it was understandable that I wanted to leave - made me realise I could do this.

You deserve better. Your DH is abusive in so many disugusting ways. Please take care of yourself, confide in your Dad, and get away from this awful life he's imprisoning you in. A better life awaits!

Op contact woman’s aid and explain to them what’s happening and see if they can help and advise you to sign onto a housing list there’s a priority for ladies that are suffering domestic abuse, there is a way out of this

Im sending you well wishes and strength

@AlltheJays23 any update?

You can, and will, manage on your own—- you won’t have him complaining, chipping away at you, coercing you into sex, withholding money—- the list of his failings is long. Without him you have a future in which you have choices.
If he is not going to search for you then go as far as you can away. I did this, started again, best thing I ever did and my life became 100x better.
You’re doing this exactly right —- plan quietly, speak to Women’s Aid, your GP and/or health visitor. You’ll be entitled to benefits.
Gather anything together you can sell, anything of value that he won’t notice.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

Stay strong, you can do this.