Infuriating husband

[MushroomMum52]

My husband is winding me up. He moans constantly. Imagine a low level Victor Meldrew crossed between Kevin and Perry. I find it infuriating he can't do anything happy or without irritation. He does everything in his own time and never without being asked repeatedly. for example the filter for the vacuum cleaner needs putting away. I've been asking him for 3 months to put it away because I can't due to a back problem. It's still sitting there. It took him 2 months to put a pile of shoe boxes away.

He rolles his eyes when I talk to him about anything. If I raise anything he tells me what I've done wrong and raises his issues. He tells me I don't know how to be happy. I like to find a problem. I'm always wrong, mistaken, looking for drama. I feel like he ruins every Milestone.

He tells me he works hard. He loves his kids. He supports his family. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't gallivant. I think its a low bar, really.

Anyway, we are all good if I keep smiling and pretend. If I raise things everything escalates very quickly. I get a two approaches either silence or shouting. It's never just a conversation. I'm starting to really dislike him. Honestly, I'm starting to dislike who I am with him.

I don't like that the kids are witnessing these interactions and think it's normal.

If you dislike him and dislike who you are with him....
You can see where this is going.
Is counselling a possibility?

I can totally relate to this. My ex was just an utter misery in the end. I ended up literally hating the sight of him. He made mine and the kids lives a misery. Best thing I ever did was ending it. I hope you can find that strength.

Another controlling, miserable, monologuing, bitter, resentful, miserable and selfish fun sponge. He's not a good dad nor does he put his family first, in actual fact, based on your description. if his main interjection is constant grinding misery and negativity to those he's supposed to hold dearest, he's neither of those things. Does he control it or hide it with other people ..? If so, then you know factually that he's making a constant and conscious choice to be this way for you. Deeply unattractive.

You have to earn being a good dad and family man, you have to work on it all of your life. You don't have to ride roughshod over your poor downtrodden wife and force her to put an artificial happy glaze over all the bullshit. The kids see straight through it as well, whether they see it for what it directly is, or whether they"merely" grow up in an anxious and tangibly unhappy environment and maybe blame themselves, or think it's normal. It isn't.

You're on earth for such a short little life. Your time with your kids is even shorter still, before they fly the nest. It doesn't have to be this way, and you are almost 100% certainly worth more than this.

He isn't interested on counselling. I've suggested it several times.

Also, his silence and shouting is abusive. His use of denial and trying to reflect it back on you (Google "DARVO") is also abusive). Ask yourself genuinely, what does he bring to the table? Sounds like a bully, who values himself above you guys and also sees you as his verbal punchbag. Be thankful that you see it, you know it now, you can research it, you can hopefully put yourself first going on from this thread. Your first step back to you. We are here, legion Mumsnet people to advise and give strength.

I got rid of mine, who had many many similarities. I'm disabled, degeneratively so, with kids, and a lone life is STILL easier than seeing his actions never ever match up to his grand words, amongst all the other crap! Life really is too short for these shit men.

They never are interested in counselling, because any counsellor worth their salt would see straight through their bullshit! My ex couldnt do it either, even though the alternative was to lose everything/family life. He chose to lose it all. It's never a good idea to have joint counselling with an abusive man. Solo counselling is bloody great though, to build you back up

It's hard to walk away after 14 years. If i thought i could do it without all the arguing and drama i would instantly. I honestly fell i don't have the energy for the fight.

My eldest is 5 youngest is 3. The kids idolise him. They think he's the greatest. My parents think he's great because he does more than most men. They think him doing day trips with us or putting the kids to bed is above and beyond. Anytime, I say anything my mum says oh that's just men.

I miss being with someone that finds me funny, witty, interesting. Don't get me wrong I have no interest in another man. I honestly would never live with another man.

Oh god you have to leave. Life doesn't have to be like this.

I domt like my husband much at the moment either. All he does is call me lazy and I am far from it. I call him Victor meldrew too. All he does is have a go at me but fails to hear how he talks to me ever. I have a 4 yo 2 yo and one on the way. I feel like I have a 3rd child in him already. I do all the parenting, all the household stuff and get it in the ear as I "only" work part time. Shoot me. I feel your pain

Honestly, I should have ended the relationship when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I've been trying to make it work for the kids and because of our joint history. I see that he's made some changes before I did 95% of everything now he'll do the school run or bedtime routine. It's more 80/20. I recognise the effort. I hate the disrespectful and the contempt. Nothing ends a conversation quicker than eye rolling or making out that the other person's being dramatic. Honestly, im not dramatic i have been described as stoic only he would categorise me as dramatic.

I've been looking for jobs and all I get is all the reasons why me working won't work. I can't work nights because the youngest doesn't sleep he couldn't possibly do all the wake ups and his job. I can't get an evening job because he never knows what time he get home. I can't work in the day because I have one in nursery 15 hours. It's obstructive.

I know in advance I will be blasted on Mumsnet for my views... To me your husband sounds like an above average married man with two young children. He is certainly no low bar. And I am sure if he was to post here he would cite off a long list of complaints on his own. I am pretty certain his complaint number 1 would be that no matter how much he does for the family it's never enough. I suspect that the fact your youngest doesn't sleep through the night contributes to your low mood and irritability. I suggest you look into sleep training ASAP

Are you serious?

So him not cheating and loving his kids and doing 20% of the workload at home, shile criticising his wife constantly is 'average man' and the Op should expect it??

That's not my experience. A marriage should be a 50/50 partnership - 50/50 in terms of workload, downtime, supporting the other person, putting effort into the relationship. Marriage should make (both) your life better, easier. You should feel loved and supported all the time.

The Op's husband sounds critical, miserable and controlling (deliberately putting up barriers to her getting another job for example).

Op, he is far from average. You don't have to accept his poor standards of being a husband and father. Single would be much better than this.

I could have written this. It took until we needed a bit more money for DH to agree to me getting a part time job. I now study part-time too, so in a year or two, I should be able to have full financial independence, even if I will be skint by doing so.

I've been looking for jobs and all I get is all the reasons why me working won't work.

This is him keen to keep you dependent so he can keep the life he wants. It doesn't get better. I'm very sorry but planning how to leave really is your best way forward.

It might be enough to shock him out of his selfishness but at least you will be gone.

The younger the children the more he will need to support you. It won't be easy but you will get away by the time your D.C. are grown up.

He isn't enhancing your life in any meaningful way.

Imagine if he got ill and could no longer work. You might be stuck there for ever.

The man in question works full time and contributes to childcare and running the house. OP has stated that she can't get a night job is because her 3 year old doesn't sleep through the night. No husband (or wife for that matter) is perfect. But most women on mumsnet seem to suggest divorce is the answer. I say being grateful for what you get might get a woman better results than constantly moaning about what she isn't getting. A woman should treat her husband with the same courtesy and respect and consideration she would treat her girlfriend. Ask do not demand. And say thank you. And don't take anything for granted. If OP hasn't had a decent night sleep in years this could be the problem, not her husband

The issue is the way he talks to me. The eye rolling. The level of contempt. The tone of voice. His general attitude towards me.

I am good for cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, waking nights but if I dare to have an opinion he talks to me like I'm rubbish.

I'm not looking for anyone else. I don't think the grass is greener with someone else. I think it might be better not doing everything for a grown arse man that doesn't even like me or pretend to like me.

I am sorry to hear you feel unappreciated and constantly put down. Surely things were good when you first got together. What changed?

You deserve to be blasted.

You couldn't be more wrong.

We used to be equals.

Honestly, I was going to say we had kids, but that's wrong. We have been together a long time. Time can bind you because your lives are so tangled but in that time water goes under the bridge and resentment builds.

I'm the one who does everything because I'm good with XYZ but my opinion isn't wanted. It's basically all the grunt work with none of the decision-making.

No-one deserves to be made to feel like that.

I think you should be making plans to get out because it's not going to get any better. You need to find a job no matter what his objections. He has you right where he wants you - dependent on him. You need to restore your independence.

This 'person' must be a man!! "I say being grateful for what you get might get a woman better results than constantly moaning about what she isn't getting." What utter tripe!

So just have the row OP

Keep pointing out oh yes that's grunt work me you can even put a fucking vacuum filter away.

And tell him to fuck off if he wants sex until this is sorted.

Well that's what I would do.

I can't see how this is going to lead to marital harmony. OP stated she is infuriated by her husband. She hasn't stated she wants a divorce

If you can go back in time and ask yourself ... what did you like about your husband? What has changed? What do you think he liked about you? What has changed? I do appreciate you have 2 young children at home, one isn't sleeping though the night. This alone would put a huge pressure on the marriage. I have been married for 24 years, 2 teenagers still living at home. In my experience, things that matter to me don't matter to my husband. A clean and tidy house is one example. If you want to feel less furious you need to have a long and hard look at the activities that add value to family life and the activities that only lead to arguments. Do more of the former, less of the latter. And you need to speak to the Health Visitor and sort out your 3 year old sleep ASAP. Otherwise you are heading in for a miserable Christmas and possibly divorce in the New Year. You are very clearly at the end of your tether

Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I actually can't remember what I liked about him. We were friends for a year before dating and then together 4 before marriage so there must have been something.

My issue really is that he talks to me like shit and with disrespect. He rolls his eyes. He mimics me. He doesnt acknowledge my feelings. I'm always wrong, misunderstanding or dramatic. If the communication was nicer or even what you would afford a random I could easily rub along. If he's under any pressure he's very abrasive. It doesn’t matter if its his pressure or mine honestly every life event is the same. We argued on the way to both D&C, csection, first day of daughters school, kids birthday's, funeral ect. I'm always making allowances oh maybe he was grieving because he lost the babies to. Oh maybe he was worried about the safety of the baby and that made him stressed. Ect. Ect. I'm tired of it.