Infuriating husband

[MushroomMum52]

My husband is winding me up. He moans constantly. Imagine a low level Victor Meldrew crossed between Kevin and Perry. I find it infuriating he can't do anything happy or without irritation. He does everything in his own time and never without being asked repeatedly. for example the filter for the vacuum cleaner needs putting away. I've been asking him for 3 months to put it away because I can't due to a back problem. It's still sitting there. It took him 2 months to put a pile of shoe boxes away.

He rolles his eyes when I talk to him about anything. If I raise anything he tells me what I've done wrong and raises his issues. He tells me I don't know how to be happy. I like to find a problem. I'm always wrong, mistaken, looking for drama. I feel like he ruins every Milestone.

He tells me he works hard. He loves his kids. He supports his family. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't gallivant. I think its a low bar, really.

Anyway, we are all good if I keep smiling and pretend. If I raise things everything escalates very quickly. I get a two approaches either silence or shouting. It's never just a conversation. I'm starting to really dislike him. Honestly, I'm starting to dislike who I am with him.

I don't like that the kids are witnessing these interactions and think it's normal.

He’s obstructing you because it wouldn’t suit him if you had financial independence from him, an occupation that gives you more self-worth, the company of other people, and mental stimulation. You’d be in a better position to get out of this miserable marriage; he prefers having you trapped.
None of the obstacles he’s throwing in your path are insurmountable.

You are saying this in the full knowledge that OP has 2 young children? So she splits and suddenly she will have lots of free time to pursue financial independence, lots of time with friends and a fulfilling career? And she won't have an obtrusive ex to boot?

OP, I have reread all your earlier messages so I am replying with this in mind. And I am not posting to excuse your husband's behaviour. However this is much I learned from almost 5 decades of living on this planet... we have no control over other people's behaviour. We can only change ours. You used to be equal. Now you find you have to bend to your husband's ideas all the time otherwise you have an argument. It does seem to me like a low level emotional abuse (I say low level as I see a lot worse in my line of work). I would say you need to find a counsellor and start working on your boundaries. Local domestic abuse charities are a good start - they have expertise and often offer counselling at low cost. Otherwise try Women's Aid. Or both. They sometimes offer help over the phone. You don't need to tell your husband you are going to have counselling because he is abusive. You can say you feel burnt out. Your husband might not recognise the effect of his behavior. You need boundaries and strategies ti keep those boundaries in place. A word of caution- I have seen women going from one abusive relationship straight into another. Boundaries are there to keep us safe. I hope it helps.

So so glad my bar is not set this low. How completely depressing.

The way he speaks to you and behaves towards you sounds vile, op.

I would work on splitting.

He’s very disrespectful to you and he has contempt - it’s not good enough for you and how your children see this is not healthy. He wants you to put up and shut up. He’s ebbing away any self esteem you have. He doesn’t want counselling - funny that - these type never do. Does he treat anyone else the way he treats you? How is he with others. Do you have friends - do you get out with them or have any free time. Yes you are probably tired but he’s not pulling his share and he makes life more difficult.
Marriage should be working as a couple - supporting each other - being kind - does he expect his dinner when he’s home - how does he handle intimacy- is he loving (you don’t need to answer) is he ever sorry -
My marriage got hard work - he was physically abusive too - everything was a problem - special days were ruined - he went but only by me reporting him to the police.
Youve done the right thing posting - you could go to counselling by yourself - you could call womens aid - you could download a free copy of Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that. Your husband isn’t working with you - your marriage will continue to be hard work - we can’t change other people we can only change our responses. 🌺

Splitting up is always the advice on Mumsnet. OP will file for divorce and everything will be fine for ever after.

OP never said her husband wouldn't accept counselling.

OP just be mindful most of the advice you will get on Mumsnet will tell you to split up. In my mind it's like going for surgery for knee problem before trying ibuprofen and physio. I suggest get some counselling on setting healthy boundaries. My advice on getting your child sleep sorted still stands (unless you use your child's sleep as a way of avoiding sleeping in marital bed). Also, please reconsider all the activities you do around the house. As women we often want a spotless house and a nice dinner on the table because it had been drilled into us by other women. Men most of the time don't care about cleanliness and would happily have pizza from the frozen section for dinner. As long as they don't have to participate in the house work. A lot of the staff women as essential seem pointless to men hence the arguments. Don't tie yourself in a knot trying to do things which will add nothing to family harmony. I hope it helps

...women see as essential..

It's literally the entire contents of her second post in this thread.

Apologies I missed it

It sad that some pp's bar is actually under the floor, but having the best boundaries in the world isn't going to magically stop your husband from being an abusive, contemptuous arsehole.

Of course splitting up doesn't make you life instantly perfect, life never is, but being divorced from this man would be infinitely better than spending the rest of your years in a miserable marriage.

The best reason to leave this man, however, is to prevent your kids being raised in a toxic, loveless home. The relationship you and your husband are modelling for them will taint the rest of their lives.

Make a plan, get back to work, and get out of there.

No, but it will be different and there will be opportunities for something better.

Stick around for the same old shit and it's all you'll ever get. Living with someone who speaks to you with contempt and treats you like crap will drive your self-esteem through the floor and teach your kids that it's OK to speak to partners like that, and even that it's OK to speak to you like that. And the contempt will likely grow into worse abuse or infidelity or leaving himself.

At least if you make the break yourself, you take control of your own future and regain your own sense of self. Sure, it can be hard financially and practically and emotionally, but I've never regretted for one second splitting up with my ex-husband.

You get one life, spending it miserable at the mercy of some contemptuous dipstick, is a fucking waste.

Could I ask everyone who has a current or ex partner like this – truthfully, were they like this before you got married or at the start of the relationship? Or is it something that gets triggered over time? I would like to meet someone and settle down but my friends all seem to accept that men usually have a similar or maybe slightly lower level of manchild-ness to OP's partner. I'm just not sure men are worth it if there's a chance they'll suddenly turn from great to lazy Victor Meldrew