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Original poster

Does no presents = doesn't care?

39 replies

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 10:10

I've been with DH for 18 years, married for 15.
I've just ordered another small Xmas present for him...just pants as his are worn and he won't replace himself. These will go with other small gifts like a book, lip balm, car ice scraper, you get the idea.
As a wider extended family the adults do secret Santa and spend £50 on someone. This year I've bought for one of my BILs. My DH never participates in secret Santa and says he doesn't want anything. I don't want him to receive nothing, and the kids would care hence I buy these stocking filler gifts so he has stuff to open. He generally doesn't buy me anything.
Every birthday (or xmas if I make a point) I get something I've told him to buy. He has no ideas. Doesn't know what I'd like or need. He just doesn't listen, though, because all of us comment on things on TV or adverts or whatever. He was watching a drone camera following cyclists a few months before his birthday and said he'd love a drone. So he got one. He was shocked but loves it, it'll be cool for family photos and playing down the park.
Anyway over the years I have practical presents and things I've asked for. He doesn't buy household stuff so once I asked for a sideboard (cheap, not antique or anything!) and family chipped in. I really want an air fryer but can't justify it so might ask for my next birthday. But these shouldn't even be gifts in my opinion. Once on holiday he forgot my birthday altogether so eventually I toasted myself with my then toddlers at lunchtime. All he said was he lost track of dates because we were away! No real apology.

So TL;DR...does the lack of thought mean he doesn't care?

He does have good points, oftentimes I feel the bad outweighs the good but I'm not quite at LTB yet. But I just feel I'm not thought of or worth thinking of.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 15/12/2023 10:18

I would be hurt to be honest so to answer your question, I would think my DH doesn’t care if he acted like yours.

The problem is you’ve allowed this to go on for 18 years, so I think it’s weird to bring it up now (why now?) and he’s not likely to change.

Also things like air fryers are household appliances, not gifts! We bought one as a joint decision for the house to make our lives easier.

I said it on another thread but I think it’s laziness and/or the fact that your DH doesn’t care enough to make the effort.

WenttheDayWell · 15/12/2023 10:23

DH was a bit rubbish at gifts when we got together, he gave me gifts but they were generic crap with little thought. I told him that the cost was irrelevant it’s the thought that counts. I remember I returned stuff. See many of my women friends were horrified and why could I not just be grateful. Many women just suck stuff up because of societal conditioning to ‘be nice and ‘’be kind’ ‘be a good girl’. He does ask me if there is anything I want, so I will may say yes I could do with X but the surprise however small occurs on both sides.

If you have not said anything about it then who knows, if you have said you are upset and he hasn’t bothered then he is an arse. Plus just don’t give him anything I mean fuck him quite frankly if he can’t be bothered why should you. See you are being too nice about it.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 15/12/2023 10:23

I think it can depend on the whole picture. My DH is beyond shit at gift buying, but he cares and does show it in other ways…we’re away just now and he gets up and puts towels on the loungers, has just brought me a cup of coffee I haven’t asked for, and a million other things like that. He’s just shit at gifts, but his care shows in other ways

Original poster
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 10:54

Heyhoherewegoagain · 15/12/2023 10:23

I think it can depend on the whole picture. My DH is beyond shit at gift buying, but he cares and does show it in other ways…we’re away just now and he gets up and puts towels on the loungers, has just brought me a cup of coffee I haven’t asked for, and a million other things like that. He’s just shit at gifts, but his care shows in other ways

He brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning without fail. And does all the cooking.
But then I think, oh God, does that excuse him never thinking about the other little things that might make me happy?
A friend brought me some earrings a couple of years ago. Just a tenner. Said they saw them and knew they were my style and I cried because I was so touched. They were kind of shocked at my disproportionate response! I suppose I'd like DH to have those moments. He'll bring something back from a work trip because he feels he has to. But I don't want an obligation gift.
I have mentioned it many times over the years. I kind of steel myself before each birthday/xmas and tell myself not to be upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 10:56

PussInBin20 · 15/12/2023 10:18

I would be hurt to be honest so to answer your question, I would think my DH doesn’t care if he acted like yours.

The problem is you’ve allowed this to go on for 18 years, so I think it’s weird to bring it up now (why now?) and he’s not likely to change.

Also things like air fryers are household appliances, not gifts! We bought one as a joint decision for the house to make our lives easier.

I said it on another thread but I think it’s laziness and/or the fact that your DH doesn’t care enough to make the effort.

It is laziness. 100%
But I guess we have other stuff going on, and his mood almost ruined a family night out last night, and I feel like xmas morning could be the straw the broke the camels back. I'm almost getting ready for it which is sad.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 11:07

I would definitely stop buying him gifts. Not to be nasty or play games, but because it makes no sense.

He either doesn't think gifts are important, so you don't need to get him one. OR he doesn't think you are worth the effort, in which case you shouldn't get him one. He shouldn't get to opt out of all the thought, effort and cost of gift buying, and then receive gifts himself.

He sounds thoughtless and lazy, unfortunately. Some years me and DH agree 'no gifts' and that's fine. Some years one or both is struggling for ideas, so we talk and get something the other one has clearly signposted. Some years one or both has a lovely surprise idea. We both listen out for 'hints' and write them down.

You shouldn't have basic furniture or an air fryer as a gift for YOU. They are household items.

Context is all. If your DH is a loving, caring, thooughtful person who pulls his weight at home, and shows you he cares every day, then I could forgive him if he was a bit rubbish at present buying (and either agree not to get each other anything, or tell him exactly what I want, and it would be something lovely, not an essential household item).

But if he's generally lazy and doesn't think you're worth an effort, then I'd be rethinking the relationship. And in the meantime, I'd knock on the head the idea of giving him anything this Christmas.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 15/12/2023 11:12

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 10:54

He brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning without fail. And does all the cooking.
But then I think, oh God, does that excuse him never thinking about the other little things that might make me happy?
A friend brought me some earrings a couple of years ago. Just a tenner. Said they saw them and knew they were my style and I cried because I was so touched. They were kind of shocked at my disproportionate response! I suppose I'd like DH to have those moments. He'll bring something back from a work trip because he feels he has to. But I don't want an obligation gift.
I have mentioned it many times over the years. I kind of steel myself before each birthday/xmas and tell myself not to be upset.

Show quote history

I do hear you…I mentioned yesterday that having borrowed my sister’s ghd hair straighteners they were way better than the babyliss ones I’ve been happy with for years, I genuinely wasn’t dropping a hint because I know there’s no point and I won’t be wakening up to them as a surprise on Xmas morning. I’ve kind of made my peace with it after 25+ years, because of the other stuff. It doesn’t mean I like it though
Have some 💐from me (yes I have to buy myself flowers too!)

Original poster
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 11:18

Heyhoherewegoagain · 15/12/2023 11:12

I do hear you…I mentioned yesterday that having borrowed my sister’s ghd hair straighteners they were way better than the babyliss ones I’ve been happy with for years, I genuinely wasn’t dropping a hint because I know there’s no point and I won’t be wakening up to them as a surprise on Xmas morning. I’ve kind of made my peace with it after 25+ years, because of the other stuff. It doesn’t mean I like it though
Have some 💐from me (yes I have to buy myself flowers too!)

Show quote history

But if your DH made that kind of comment, you'd store it away, right? And be excited about surprising them!
I suppose I don't understand someone also not feeling that pleasure in gifting something and seeing the reaction!
DH loves eggs. He loves spice. I saw a spice mix in Facebook ads yesterday "just for eggs" so I've bought it for his stocking. It'll amuse him and he'll use it. I'm looking forward to the amusement as he opens it. Isn't that how most people are about giving?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 11:21

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 11:07

I would definitely stop buying him gifts. Not to be nasty or play games, but because it makes no sense.

He either doesn't think gifts are important, so you don't need to get him one. OR he doesn't think you are worth the effort, in which case you shouldn't get him one. He shouldn't get to opt out of all the thought, effort and cost of gift buying, and then receive gifts himself.

He sounds thoughtless and lazy, unfortunately. Some years me and DH agree 'no gifts' and that's fine. Some years one or both is struggling for ideas, so we talk and get something the other one has clearly signposted. Some years one or both has a lovely surprise idea. We both listen out for 'hints' and write them down.

You shouldn't have basic furniture or an air fryer as a gift for YOU. They are household items.

Context is all. If your DH is a loving, caring, thooughtful person who pulls his weight at home, and shows you he cares every day, then I could forgive him if he was a bit rubbish at present buying (and either agree not to get each other anything, or tell him exactly what I want, and it would be something lovely, not an essential household item).

But if he's generally lazy and doesn't think you're worth an effort, then I'd be rethinking the relationship. And in the meantime, I'd knock on the head the idea of giving him anything this Christmas.

It's definitely a "bigger picture" type issue.

Maybe I need to zoom out a bit.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 11:21

Stop psychoanalysing him and psychoanalyse yourself.

I'm not quite at LTB yet. But I just feel I'm not thought of or worth thinking of

Why aren't you at LTB if you feel this way?

toomuchtosay · 15/12/2023 11:32

To put a different spin on it I hate shopping for presents, I have no inspiration and find the whole process stressful.
Dh knows this and admits he feels exactly the same so we go shopping together and I pick out what I want and he picks out what he wants we do it in one trip, go home wrap it up and get no surprises, Christmas done.

That works for both of us and it doesn't mean we don't care about each other we very much do but we just don't need the stress of thinking what to buy each other.
We've also been together a long time but I think we're just comfortable enough to say it how it is without offending now and are both relieved.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/12/2023 11:35

Relax. Completely normal for men.

OldandTired66 · 15/12/2023 11:46

My DH is rubbish at presents (last years aldi pink slippers a particular low point). I've given up even asking because lists and suggestions are forgotten or ignored so I buy myself something I want after Christmas or Birthday as a special gift to myself.

Newestname002 · 15/12/2023 12:14

OldandTired66 · 15/12/2023 11:46

My DH is rubbish at presents (last years aldi pink slippers a particular low point). I've given up even asking because lists and suggestions are forgotten or ignored so I buy myself something I want after Christmas or Birthday as a special gift to myself.

But do you buy for him? 🌹

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 12:23

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/12/2023 11:35

Relax. Completely normal for men.

Not my experience at all. I don't think having a penis means you can't like treating people, or have trouble walking around shops or using paypal. If it is a 'men' issue, it's only because people (men and women) have perpetuated that idea, to help (some) men get away with being a bit thoughtless.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:41

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/12/2023 11:35

Relax. Completely normal for men.

So, basically, your feelings are irrelevant, because his behaviour is fine.

What shit advice.

lesdeluges · 15/12/2023 12:49

We don't do gifts for anything at all. Men are generally not thoughtless but can't be bothered with all the gift buying crap that goes on. And as an adult there is nothing I need, and after all if we did buy for each other it would come out of joint funds anyway, so I'll buy it for myself if there is something I want and we can afford it!

Yes to some that might sound miserable and grinchy, but it's fine by me. We have lovely breaks away when others cannot so that works for me. I'm not into material things anyway and find gifts from me to him and vice versa a bit juvenile at this stage.

We do gift to others though, just not to each other.

shepherdsangeldelight · 15/12/2023 12:50

I am like your DH - I don't want gifts and I find it stressful to buy them for other people (which links back to a childhood where my parents insisted I bought them presents and then always complained about them).

However, DH likes gifts, so I try to make sure I get him something he will like, he gives me ideas to assist with my gift buying to make it less stressful, and he gets me nothing.

It suits us because we are both doing what the other will appreciate and we appreciate that what the other wants is not what we want ourselves.

In your case, neither of you are getting what you want - you want a nice thoughtful spontaneous gift which DH is possibly not capable of managing because he thinks too practically. And he doesn't want a gift, but you buy him one anyway.

So this is only linked to "not caring" in asmuch as it sounds like neither of you have cared enough to actually openly and honestly discuss what you expect from gift giving, and how you can help each other meet your needs.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:56

Men are generally not thoughtless but can't be bothered with all the gift buying crap that goes on

What are women, generally, @lesdeluges ?

lesdeluges · 15/12/2023 12:58

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:56

Men are generally not thoughtless but can't be bothered with all the gift buying crap that goes on

What are women, generally, @lesdeluges ?

Soppy and sentimental maybe? But not thoughtless either.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/12/2023 14:01

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:56

Men are generally not thoughtless but can't be bothered with all the gift buying crap that goes on

What are women, generally, @lesdeluges ?

I think women are more interested in presents and present buying than men, yes. In fact shopping in general. The fact we have a thread on Mumsnet about this suggests so. I doubt there are similar threads to this on Pistonheads. (I'd love someone to prove me wrong!)

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:04

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour

Love the generalising. It's prejudice, you know. Fascinating how people think prejudice is ok in some circumstances. What do you think black people are like, generally? And disabled people? Or isn't generalising ok in those instance?

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:06

The fact we have a thread on Mumsnet about this suggests so

No, it doesn't. It suggests that people who post on MN talk about it more. It's not a scientific cross section of society, it's a bunch of people who chat on one forum. What's everybody else doing?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/12/2023 15:26

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:04

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour

Love the generalising. It's prejudice, you know. Fascinating how people think prejudice is ok in some circumstances. What do you think black people are like, generally? And disabled people? Or isn't generalising ok in those instance?

Love that you're generalising about generalising!

Original poster
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 16:04

@shepherdsangeldelight

"In your case, neither of you are getting what you want - you want a nice thoughtful spontaneous gift which DH is possibly not capable of managing because he thinks too practically. And he doesn't want a gift, but you buy him one anyway."

You're probably on to something except I think he does like his gifts and appreciate them! BUT, he wouldn't be upset not to have any.
I need to stop buying them!

OP posts: