Does no presents = doesn't care?

[LadyGeorginaSmythe]

I've been with DH for 18 years, married for 15.
I've just ordered another small Xmas present for him...just pants as his are worn and he won't replace himself. These will go with other small gifts like a book, lip balm, car ice scraper, you get the idea.
As a wider extended family the adults do secret Santa and spend £50 on someone. This year I've bought for one of my BILs. My DH never participates in secret Santa and says he doesn't want anything. I don't want him to receive nothing, and the kids would care hence I buy these stocking filler gifts so he has stuff to open. He generally doesn't buy me anything.
Every birthday (or xmas if I make a point) I get something I've told him to buy. He has no ideas. Doesn't know what I'd like or need. He just doesn't listen, though, because all of us comment on things on TV or adverts or whatever. He was watching a drone camera following cyclists a few months before his birthday and said he'd love a drone. So he got one. He was shocked but loves it, it'll be cool for family photos and playing down the park.
Anyway over the years I have practical presents and things I've asked for. He doesn't buy household stuff so once I asked for a sideboard (cheap, not antique or anything!) and family chipped in. I really want an air fryer but can't justify it so might ask for my next birthday. But these shouldn't even be gifts in my opinion. Once on holiday he forgot my birthday altogether so eventually I toasted myself with my then toddlers at lunchtime. All he said was he lost track of dates because we were away! No real apology.

So TL;DR...does the lack of thought mean he doesn't care?

He does have good points, oftentimes I feel the bad outweighs the good but I'm not quite at LTB yet. But I just feel I'm not thought of or worth thinking of.

I never understand the linking of gifts with caring (or not) - I generally say I don't want anything at Christmas/birthday times because I don't want anything! if I did I'd have just bought it.

If you are worried about if your DH cares about you or not, pay more attention to how he acts around you, how he chooses to spend his time, is it with you? does he ask about your day? does he actually listen to the response or just smile and nod? - these are things that show caring to me, not the ability to click "buy now" on amazon.

When you "zoom out", do you feel loved and valued by him, and like he cares about how you feel about things?

Personally, I think someone can not give a toss about birthdays or Christmas or anniversaries themselves, but if their partner does care about it, then it shouldn't be an issue to put some effort. Just cos you want to make the other person smile.

I have the opposite problem. I hate giving and receiving gifts. I’m completely fine with a token box of chocolates for the sake of custom but honestly I’d be just as happy with nothing. I appreciate the thought but frankly would rather people didn’t bother! I find gift buying so loaded and pressurising I do my Christmas shopping in November so it doesn’t spoil actual Christmas for me. My DH loves to give and receive gifts and I know I disappoint him every year because I’m so shit at it. We do know these things about each other so it’s not a big deal. But I don’t know if your DH is like me or if this is symptomatic of something deeper.

I like giving gifts. I listen to people when they talk about things they've seen that they like or when they are talking about hobbies or activities and things that would make their lives easier or more fun. A very good friend has been trying to get hold of some book plates for months - hasn't been able to find any and probably thinks I'm the most callous person in the world because I've been 'yes, mmm, terrible you can't, mmm, oh well,' every time she mentions it, because I've bought her some beautiful ones for Christmas. And that's just a friend.

Our nearest and dearest must hear us talk about things we see that we like, or things that we need or that would help in our hobbies all the time. It's when they just don't bother to act on what they hear that makes us feel rejected. ALL they have to do is LISTEN. And every indication that they don't, that they make all the right noises but haven't actually taken anything on board just makes us feel that little bit worse about the relationship.

Yes, in my world it means he doesn’t care. My exH didn’t buy me presents. Our last Xmas together I bought myself a jewellery box and wrapped it so he could hand it to me on Xmas day and I would feel less shit in front of family. One of many small things that chipped my heart into gravel. Hence the EX.

Have you made it clear to him that YOU care?

I know that DH loves me and that he is crap at buying gifts for Xmas/birthdays. I am explicit in discussions about what I want, how much we can afford to spend on each other etc. This year my DH flopped (I'd told him what I wanted and created space for him to go and get it with the kids). He hadn't checked that the shop would be open, it wasn't, and I ended up with some chocolate that he knows I don't like but my 2yr old picked (because my 2yr old wanted them). I told DH how upset I was, he was gutted and has tried hard to fix it and I'm pretty sure he'll get it right next time.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter whether he cares about presents. It's whether he cares enough about you to make the effort for things you feel are important. And does he know it's important to you?

If things are ropey anyway then you need to decide whether you think the relationship is worth working on and then have an honest and candid conversation with your DH about that. Of you want to work on it and he doesn't then you at least know that and can decide what you want to do going forward.

All this sounds so depressing.. an ice scraper 🙈

Ditch gifts and go for a weekend away with drinks and hot sex

Don't worry, the ice scraper hasn't been delivered 😅

I am right now trying to figure out presents for people that I really really love. I haven’t had the time, whenever I had forgot really that Christmas was so close and just am disorganised and crap really!! Some people are fab, my in laws spend all year coming up with presents and every year I promise I will but I don’t. I still love everyone, and I show it throughout the year, just not through really standout gifts, it just isn’t me

To me that’s terribly sad, recently I was given tickets for something just because he knew I would love it, every day he pulls his weight in general life, he makes me tea, goes to as many shops as it takes to find the specific thing I like, he tells me how lovely/beautiful/thoughtful/wonderul/funny I am, he listens, remembers then acts on it.
For my recent birthday I got overnight stay to do something I love (he doesn’t but he did it because it was my birthday, I love it and he loves me), the following day we did an activity I’ve wanted to do for a while, he bought me a thoughtful gift so I would have something to open.

Pleased to hear it @LadyGeorginaSmythe 😂

It depends on context- the way you describe @LadyGeorginaSmythe then yes, it sounds shite.

In our case we are saving cash so for the last few years we only buy each other a token gift for our DD to give to each of us. We don’t really need anything and don’t have enough cash to splurge (but we do get in some nice food and booze just for us and eat it watching something we love).

We do birthdays though although nothing extravagant.

Yours sounds uncaring but I don’t feel like that about our arrangement.

Well DH and I don't do presents and it's not because either of us don't care.

However, in your situation I think your DH doesn't care, sadly.

I know 100% if I said to myself DH, "I think I'd like a present this year cyually" that he'd go and buy one.

In your shoes I'd lose my temper with him and ask "are you taking the piss or what?"

I've literally had this for 33 years! Every Christmas I buy him gadgets and little things I think he'd find useful, (only for them to be shoved in a storage box in the loft and given back to me at some point if I mention I need something similar). Last year I bought him a jigsaw for his Ryobi One Plus system... The problem is, he buys me things all year round, I've been spoilt just lately, Soda Stream, new Kindle Fire, a coat... It used to upset me that I had nothing to open on Christmas morning, but I'm so over that now... I very rarely get cards, he isn't bothered so thinks no one else is either... It's a bit of a Catch 22! Anyway, this year I've asked him what he wants, as usual, he's said nothing... So that's exactly what he's getting!!! I'm done with it... I'll do us a nice dinner and that'll be it!