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Original poster

Husband Drinking Again

42 replies

TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 10:10

Long story short my husband is a drinker. His drinking has caused issues our entire relationship, and though he wouldn't admit it has caused him issues before meeting me. I regret having married him and having a family with him. It was a mixture of extreme naivety and my own severe lack of self-worth after an abusive childhood.

Just over a year ago out of the blue he decided to quit drinking. It was a massive surprise since he has always denied having an issue and would always find a way to blame me. I'm "boring" etc. He had counselling and we spent many hours discussing his emotions etc. He said he had been aware of a problem for a while but was not ready to address it. There were a couple of slips but for the majority of this year, he has been sober.

Cut to Christmas and now he has started drinking on nights out again. It started with a couple and him being slightly tipsy. I raised it with him as he had asked. i.e. I gently let him know and don't get angry and shout like I have previously. He was adamant that this was not the start of anything but continued to drink at each event. By the 4th event, it had gone from slightly tipsy to completely pissed. I was so hurt and angry I couldn't speak to him at all the next day. He accused me of using him as a "human punching bag". Because like most alcoholics he finds a way to make me the one in the wrong. It can never be that his behaviour has caused my anger, it always has to be something else.

Anyway, yesterday he had yet another work party. I asked him if he was going to drink again. He assured me that he would have " a couple" but that it would not end up like the last time he went out and that he had been "silly". You can see where this is going right? I didn't hear from him all evening, a sure sign he was drunk. When I texted him at midnight because I couldn't sleep due to the anxiety it was clear from his replies he was hammered. He claimed that the trains were down and so he was struggling to get home. I could see online that the trains were running perfectly ok. What likely happened was that in his drunkenness he got the wrong one.

I got up this morning to get the children ready for school. He comes down and starts shaking his head and making eyes at me as if to say I had done something wrong. Tries to say I'm out of order for having been mad at him as he had a "nightmare" getting home. Even if that were true it doesn't explain why he was drunk. I ended up losing my temper with him and asking him to leave me alone. I strongly suspect he was still drunk. He wouldn't stop telling me how stupid I was being, how I was "acting 12" etc. I ended up completely losing it and screaming at him like a wild animal. I'm ashamed to say that our children witnessed this and were very distressed. He still wouldn't go away and stop telling me why I was the one in the wrong. I let the kids stay off school since they were upset and I didn't want to send them off in tears. That was another thing he decided to come and rant at me about causing the kids to dissolve into tears again.

He will spend the day nursing his hangover on the sofa, while I am trying to work and trying to comfort our kids, all the while trying not to cry myself. I need to leave this time. I can't go back to living like this. Constant anxiety over whether he is going to be drunk. I had started to let myself believe that was all behind us.

I don't know why I'm posting this, and unless you have experience of living with an alcoholic you probably won't understand.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/12/2023 10:26

I get it OP.

Yes you really DO have to end this marriage for your children's sake.

Start to distance yourself emotionally. Get Xmas out of the way and then see a Solicitors and get the ball rolling.

In the meantime try and keep your cool whatever he does - if he gets aggressive then ring 999 immediately. If he's pissed at home can you take the children to family or friends for the night?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 15/12/2023 10:33

I was that child whose father was always drunk, ruining every occasion and us always walking on egg shells.

For your children’s sake, please leave him.

Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 10:36

I don't think I can stay and do Xmas with him. I distanced myself emotionally a long time ago. Even with him not having been drinking it's not something I've been able to stop resenting him over. I've realised it's caused me a lot of trauma over the years.

Like all drunks he thinks each event should be treated in isolation and that I shouldn't " harp on about the past" but that's not how it works.

I am planning to go and get a hotel later with the kids as they are nervous we are going to start shouting again. But I have to work today so can't leave until this evening. He's not rolling drunk just obviously not sobered up totally yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 10:43

MiddleagedBeachbum · 15/12/2023 10:33

I was that child whose father was always drunk, ruining every occasion and us always walking on egg shells.

For your children’s sake, please leave him.

Right now my children aren't really aware of his drinking just my reaction to it. So it's me who looks like the bad one. When he used to come home drunk and go into their rooms talking nonsense at them it was me who would get angry and be telling him to leave them to go to sleep etc. To them it was me being a killjoy because they were too young to realise he was completely pissed.

People think my husband is a lovely, warm affable guy and I am the cold, unfriendly wife. But they don't see the pain he has caused me over the years and what he is like to live with.

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/12/2023 10:46

If this incident means you have finally decided it's over - good. It's incredibly hard detaching from someone you love, but your DC deserve better. Your husband is still in denial. He thinks he can abstain from drinking for a while and then go back to it and be fine, despite much evidence to the contrary. In that situation, you're best off away from him. Staying means always worrying that he will drink again and spiral again.

Make the jump and end this. You'll be doing the very best thing for your DC and yourself. All the very best of luck.

And yes, I've been there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 10:46

I am sorry you had an abusive childhood, that certainly played a part in you being with this man now. The blame for your childhood entirely lies with the people who abused you, it was not your fault. However, you are now an adult with agency and you can make a choice re this man, your children cannot.

Do not further do your bit here to make his alcoholism the cornerstone of their childhoods along with stays in hotel rooms to avoid their drunken father.

Is there any way you do not have to go to work today?

Have you actually considered divorce?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 10:50

Your children likely know far more than you perhaps realise, if they are aware of your reactions to his drinking they are certainly picking up on all the other vibes between you and their dad too. What are going to be the primary memories of their childhoods?. Trying to protect them from all this whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Your boundaries, already weakened here, are being further eroded by your drunkard husband.

Again, you have a choice re this man, your children do not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 10:52

And you need to get off the merry go around named denial permanently. You’re almost as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. In addition you’ve played the usual roles associated with such spouses - codependent partner, enabler and provoker.

LividSleep · 15/12/2023 10:56

My first husband was an alcoholic (no kids, thankfully).

It’s so hard to see what you need to do when you’re in the thick of it. I went to Al Anon for years before I realised

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE

At best, you’ll have some periods of sobriety where you can pretend things are dandy, but then you’ll be doing this nonsense like today again, just years down the line.

Your children are already being impacted.

What is your housing and work situation? You need to leave, before Christmas, and it’s hard and scary and I really do understand that.

But let us help you do it. One step at a time.

Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 10:57

I've considered divorce many many times. I haven't had the strength to go through with it. I don't know how I'm going to manage it financially but I cannot go on. A few years back I considered suicide because I was so beaten down by it and couldn't see another way of escaping it. But I couldn't leave my children with only him.

OP posts:
toomuchtosay · 15/12/2023 11:00

I wouldn't have kept the children off school, even if they're upset it's probably the safest environment for them to be in.
I grew up around a family of drinkers and thought all parents had a bottle of wine with each meal, until my dad got liver cirrhosis and even until the last minute the drink came first.

Believe me your children WILL understand why you had to remove them from this environment and WILL be thankful for you for putting them first.
It's you and them, you've got each other but they need you to make the best decision for them and you know what that is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 11:00

Find the strength within you to leave your drunkard h, your children will also thank you for doing that. I would urge you to seek legal advice on the quiet and from that plan your exit from this with due care and attention.

I would also contact NAPAC re your childhood.

You can rebuild your lives without him in it.

Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:01

@LividSleep Al Anon has been suggested to me before but I always felt like I didn't see why I should be the one to go when it's his problem not mine. Maybe it would have helped but it felt like another burden.

I work FT and earn well but I don't know how I will make the figures work. He would never leave and I couldn't afford our mortgage let alone the bills. I'm looking at rentals online and I'd need £2k a month for a 3 bed. I earn just over 3k so with bills, food and train fares to work I can't afford it. How do people do it?
It's not as easy as just moving somewhere else or getting another job as some people on here make out on these kind of threads.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:03

toomuchtosay · 15/12/2023 11:00

I wouldn't have kept the children off school, even if they're upset it's probably the safest environment for them to be in.
I grew up around a family of drinkers and thought all parents had a bottle of wine with each meal, until my dad got liver cirrhosis and even until the last minute the drink came first.

Believe me your children WILL understand why you had to remove them from this environment and WILL be thankful for you for putting them first.
It's you and them, you've got each other but they need you to make the best decision for them and you know what that is.

Thank you. My husband always says it's him and the kids against me so it's hard to feel like I'm doing the right thing taking them away.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 11:06

These types of me never leave readily but he is not above the law here. This is why legal advice re divorce is necessary. Also knowledge here is power. You are not as powerless as you think you are.

SoundTheSirens · 15/12/2023 11:07

TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:01

@LividSleep Al Anon has been suggested to me before but I always felt like I didn't see why I should be the one to go when it's his problem not mine. Maybe it would have helped but it felt like another burden.

I work FT and earn well but I don't know how I will make the figures work. He would never leave and I couldn't afford our mortgage let alone the bills. I'm looking at rentals online and I'd need £2k a month for a 3 bed. I earn just over 3k so with bills, food and train fares to work I can't afford it. How do people do it?
It's not as easy as just moving somewhere else or getting another job as some people on here make out on these kind of threads.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your finances but unless you significantly out-earn him, he will be required to make a financial contribution towards his children's living expenses.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 11:09

Your h is talking shite re all this it’s him and the kids against you. It’s all being said by him in a desperate attempt to regain some power and control over you.

What are their primary memories of childhood going to be if you were to stay?. You have a choice here re this man, they do not. Make choices that benefit both you and your kids. Show them the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

LividSleep · 15/12/2023 11:22

Use a benefits calculator to see what you’d be entitled to. There’s a rent element. Any maintenance he pays won’t be counted as income.

You can do this. You cannot live like this. Let’s sort the practicalities.

And yep, it totally sucks and isn’t fair and you shouldn’t have to. I know.

Menomeno · 15/12/2023 11:29

TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:01

@LividSleep Al Anon has been suggested to me before but I always felt like I didn't see why I should be the one to go when it's his problem not mine. Maybe it would have helped but it felt like another burden.

I work FT and earn well but I don't know how I will make the figures work. He would never leave and I couldn't afford our mortgage let alone the bills. I'm looking at rentals online and I'd need £2k a month for a 3 bed. I earn just over 3k so with bills, food and train fares to work I can't afford it. How do people do it?
It's not as easy as just moving somewhere else or getting another job as some people on here make out on these kind of threads.

It’s not his problem, it’s YOUR problem. He’d be happy as Larry getting pissed every day. It’s YOU and your DCs who are severely affected by this.

I grew up with an alcoholic (single) mother, and it fucked me and my brothers up. I found Al-anon as a teenager, and it really really helped me. One thing I will say about Al-anon - and this might hurt - was that it would make me completely irate listening to people (usually wives) who were completely OBSESSED with their husbands and their husband’s drinking. They’d bang on about how awful it was to live with them (and of course that would have been true) but they’d all have this crazy notion that their kids were fine, because they were shielding them from the worst of it.

I’d feel like screaming at them “No they’re not fine! YOU are choosing to stay in this relationship. You are keeping them in it. Your kids have NO choice. You’re forcing them to live with this and you can’t see the damage it’s doing to them because you’re so enmeshed in this codependent shitshow!”

It is really tough to break the trauma bonds, but you really need to do it for the sake of your children. You will all be happier. He won’t change. And frankly even if he does, you also need to work on your own dysfunctional behaviour for your own sake before you can find peace and happiness. Please, please, please go to Al-anon. They will help you through this. Good luck x

Original poster
TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:41

I've checked a benefit calculator and I'd only be entitled to claim child benefit which frankly wouldn't plug the massive hole in my finances. He would have to pay me less than a grand a month in CSA despite his almost 100k a year salary. What a joke!

OP posts:
solice84 · 15/12/2023 11:44

TheEnd24 · 15/12/2023 11:41

I've checked a benefit calculator and I'd only be entitled to claim child benefit which frankly wouldn't plug the massive hole in my finances. He would have to pay me less than a grand a month in CSA despite his almost 100k a year salary. What a joke!

That's if he doesn't demand 50/50 like my ex did so that he didn't have to pay me a penny

Panama2 · 15/12/2023 11:49

Al non are very good there isn't an in person group near me and online is no good as he would hear me, If you can join a group you are talking to people who really understand.

Just remember when trying to discuss things with him you are talking to the bottle not him.

My husband has started sneaking drinks again but I am past caring it might solve all my problems

VanityDiesHard · 15/12/2023 12:23

I'm so sorry, OP. You and your children deserve so much better than this loser. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself. I don't have kids, but I regret some of the stuff I put my lovely husband through (no abuse or cheating, but I did come home late and confused, and it scared him and for that I am still so sorry) Deep down, your husband knows he is in the wrong, and that is why he is being an asshole. He is DARVOing because his addiction is stronger than he is and he is angry, and it is easier to say that he is friends with his addiction, and that you are the enemy. You. deserve. better. And so do your children.

HappyintheHills · 15/12/2023 12:32

I’ve been there.
The children do know much more than you think, I now know mine did.
Your children will be benefit from a more stable environment away from him.
Do you rent or own your home?

HappyintheHills · 15/12/2023 12:35

Sorry I’ve just noticed that you couldn’t afford mortgage on your own, so you own a home, is there equity?