Husband Drinking Again

[TheEnd24]

Long story short my husband is a drinker. His drinking has caused issues our entire relationship, and though he wouldn't admit it has caused him issues before meeting me. I regret having married him and having a family with him. It was a mixture of extreme naivety and my own severe lack of self-worth after an abusive childhood.

Just over a year ago out of the blue he decided to quit drinking. It was a massive surprise since he has always denied having an issue and would always find a way to blame me. I'm "boring" etc. He had counselling and we spent many hours discussing his emotions etc. He said he had been aware of a problem for a while but was not ready to address it. There were a couple of slips but for the majority of this year, he has been sober.

Cut to Christmas and now he has started drinking on nights out again. It started with a couple and him being slightly tipsy. I raised it with him as he had asked. i.e. I gently let him know and don't get angry and shout like I have previously. He was adamant that this was not the start of anything but continued to drink at each event. By the 4th event, it had gone from slightly tipsy to completely pissed. I was so hurt and angry I couldn't speak to him at all the next day. He accused me of using him as a "human punching bag". Because like most alcoholics he finds a way to make me the one in the wrong. It can never be that his behaviour has caused my anger, it always has to be something else.

Anyway, yesterday he had yet another work party. I asked him if he was going to drink again. He assured me that he would have " a couple" but that it would not end up like the last time he went out and that he had been "silly". You can see where this is going right? I didn't hear from him all evening, a sure sign he was drunk. When I texted him at midnight because I couldn't sleep due to the anxiety it was clear from his replies he was hammered. He claimed that the trains were down and so he was struggling to get home. I could see online that the trains were running perfectly ok. What likely happened was that in his drunkenness he got the wrong one.

I got up this morning to get the children ready for school. He comes down and starts shaking his head and making eyes at me as if to say I had done something wrong. Tries to say I'm out of order for having been mad at him as he had a "nightmare" getting home. Even if that were true it doesn't explain why he was drunk. I ended up losing my temper with him and asking him to leave me alone. I strongly suspect he was still drunk. He wouldn't stop telling me how stupid I was being, how I was "acting 12" etc. I ended up completely losing it and screaming at him like a wild animal. I'm ashamed to say that our children witnessed this and were very distressed. He still wouldn't go away and stop telling me why I was the one in the wrong. I let the kids stay off school since they were upset and I didn't want to send them off in tears. That was another thing he decided to come and rant at me about causing the kids to dissolve into tears again.

He will spend the day nursing his hangover on the sofa, while I am trying to work and trying to comfort our kids, all the while trying not to cry myself. I need to leave this time. I can't go back to living like this. Constant anxiety over whether he is going to be drunk. I had started to let myself believe that was all behind us.

I don't know why I'm posting this, and unless you have experience of living with an alcoholic you probably won't understand.

Like all drunks he thinks each event should be treated in isolation and that I shouldn't " harp on about the past" but that's not how it works.

Well the trouble is, they don’t really remember what they did because they’re pissed. So if they can’t remember and there’s no repercussions then they won’t learn and on and on it goes. You have to be able to remember how awful everything felt if you want to grow away from it don’t you, but they can’t.

I have lived with an alcoholic so I get you. The thing I am drawn to the most is that you kept your kids off school because of the distress his drinking caused. No judgment, I did the same. However this particular choice needs to be a huge wake up call. Your husband’s drinking has now brought chaos to the entire family, the family routine and function is now revolving around his addiction. Once this starts you’re on the slippery slope to complete family destruction. I am not being dramatic. I kept my child off after a similar incident - the police were called by a neighbour. When he went back, my child I immediately told a teacher what had happened and we were referred to social services. I am not trying to frighten you, I’m telling you what happened to us in the exact situation you are describing. I threw my husband out and was able to tell the SW this when she came. No further action was taken, though we were told in no uncertain terms that would change if we were referred again. It was a real wake up call. I’d been covering up, absorbing the stress and drama around his drinking for years but now I wasn’t able to cover it up anymore and outside agencies were becoming involved.

Please think about just how much his addiction could cost you and your children if he is allowed to remain in the family home. I’m sorry this is happening. Living with an alcoholic is like living in a world of insanity.

@BethDuttonsTwin Your last line really resonates with me. It's so true and unless you've lived it you cannot understand it.

The worst part for me is that he manages to turn every situation into one where I am the one at fault. This morning started with him coming down and shaking his head at me because I texted him to F-off last night when his texts confirmed to me that he was drunk. I admit I get really angry and sometimes struggle to control my emotions. I just feel so powerless and frustrated that yet again he is disregarding my feelings. I had told him before he went out that I am back to feeling anxiety whenever he goes out.

If he had stayed out of my way, or not continued coming at me trying to justify why I am "classless" or "acting like I'm 12" it wouldn't have escalated like it did. In all honesty, he would tell you that the kids were upset because I ended up repeatedly screaming at him at the top of my lungs to F-off and leave me alone and he is right in a way. I'm ashamed of how I lost it and that my children witnessed it. His refusal to walk away when I was clearly angry pushed me way beyond my ability to cope with the stress of it all.

I understand. I was you, many years ago. Your story resonates.

You need to leave him, to get away from him, for your sake and especially for your children.

It might not be easy, but life on the other side will be. It will be calmer, easier, you will feel more like 'you' again. You won't have to live on tenderhooks, wondering what mood he'll be in tonight, what lies he'll tell you, how much he's drunk, if he'll say something that will upset the children, what empty bottles you'll find stashed in weird places. Life will be better.

I never regretted it for one second. I know it was the right thing to do, for me and the DCs.

Small steps will help, if it seems overwhelming or unachievable. Two things I did once I'd realised I had to leave him - I started a diary, writing down all the awful things he'd done and said, how he made me feel, how I thought it could have affected DCs. I did this a) to help with divorce evidence (no fault wasn't a thing then), b) to look back on if I ever wavered, or if in the future I ever wondered if I'd done the right thing, perhaps when DCs were adults for example if they asked about it, and c) I wanted a record of his poor behavioir in case he tried to go for custody.

He threatened to go for custody. I then told him about the diary (which I kept at my workplace, so he couldn't access it) and that if he tried, I would share it with whatever court I needed to. That, along with some video I took of him while almost comotose, stopped him from ever trying.

The second thing I did was to talk to a solicitor, to see where I would stand financially and legally. It helped me feel more in control and to start gathering info and making plans.

You don't need to tell him until you're ready.

The worst part for me is that he manages to turn every situation into one where I am the one at fault.

Mine did that too. For years I believed him. In some ways I am angrier about that now than anything else - how he made his addiction and lack of self control my fault. It’s standard. It’s just one more way of them not taking responsibility for themselves. It was never anything to do with me but I couldn’t see it for years though. Ten years divorced and he still blames me and so does his family. It’s completely laughable really.

It is not you, it has never been you. It is impossible to drive someone else to addiction. Your behaviour is a reaction to insanity. He is just a standard selfish, weak alcoholic who will never take responsibility for himself and his choices.

@perfectcolourfound I didn't keep a diary but earlier this year I actually collated all my mn posts about him as the cheeky bastard was threatening to take me to court in order to get dc to go to a school near him which is an hour from me (I'm still in the marital home home ) due to the fact he had lost his driving licence. Shortly after he also lost his job and was still trying to call the shots . I stood my ground and at the first mediation session where he had shook like a leaf from withdrawal I think he realised how bad it would look in court .

It's hard to prove these things and technically getting drunk around your children isn't against the law in your own home .

He told me he'd tell everyone I was crazy and making it all up . He had a good job at the time as a head of faculty teacher and said I'd be laughed out of court and the judge would 'put me back in my box'

I wish I'd done things differently in the early days of the breakup .

Hey op, im reading your post and can absolutely relate with your current situation. I think the line above- “Living with an alcoholic is like living in a world of insanity” - is so true!

im currently in a similar situation with a DH and kids and DH is an alcoholic but daily drinking. Absolutely in denial. Im also keeping a log of situations that happen not only if i might need them in the future but also as a reminder to me of how shitty the situation is at times. Im going to file for divorce this month, just waiting for payday. I also dont know how ill afford to live but one things for sure, id rather be skint than dealing with the drunkenness. If you want to keep in contact, feel free to DM me

You know that you are not to blame.
You need to leave and only try living together again once your husband has been to AA for a year and is successfully sustaining sobriety. I would give him one year and one chance.

To expose your children to a drunk man who upsets them enough to keep them from school is neglect.

You and your children deserve better. It's OK to leave him and ok to say that you are done.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I dated an alcoholic (ended it when I found out) and my ex's brother died from it. I see the lies, denial and manipulation that goes along with it.
Are you sure the CMS payment is correct. My ex earns less than £40k and pays me nearly £450 so this doesn't seem right. Remember it also depends on how often he has them overnight and I'm not sure he should be trusted.

I think any records, whether a diary or a series of mn notes, help on several fronts. They help you see you aren't going mad; to track worsening behaviour; to refer to in future years if you ever questionned yourself (I haven't!); I even thought, of future adult DCs blame me in some way, I'll have that record. They never have and I wouldn't want to share it with them anyway. I was already keeping notes when, at the first meeting, the solicitor advised me to. They may not be 'proof' but they help build a picture.

I still have my old notes, and when i (very rarely) come upon them and read through they make me cry.

One Christmas, our youngest DD was ill on Christmas Eve. She wanted to sleep with me for comfort, and I asked DH (who was steaming drunk) to sleep in the spare room. He refused and tried to force his way into our bed, with my poor ill DD trying to get to sleep. When he eventually stropped off, he shouted (so the DCs could hear) 'You'll find me dead in the morning with your presents, none of you care enough'. I'd already seen the solicitor at that point (he didn't know) but if I'd had any doubts they would have ended there and then. What sort of parent, on Christmas Eve, tells their children they'll be dead in the morning and it will be their fault? It was our last Christmas together.

Sorry that last bit was totally irrelevant to your question Op, it just came out! It isn't a story I've told anyone before now.

@perfectcolourfound disgusting behaviour but not so shocking to anyone who has lived with this.
I had to stop exh from pissing on our newborn in his crib amongst a million other stories
But of course he didn't have a problem , I had a problem because I had a problem with it .
This is the attitude you deal with when it comes to addicts

@solice84 Utterly shocking. And as you say, sadly not shocking at the same time.

There is no reasoning with an alcoholic, and you will drive yourself insane trying.

You might have your own issues to deal with that meant you unwittingly paired up with an alcoholic, but you will have time and head space to address those when you have detached from your alcoholic husband. Don't blame yourself.

I think you may be able to claim some benefits for first six months whilst you get a property sold... Check entitledto.co.uk . Do you have equity in the property? Start to get paperwork together - bank statements etc. and start saving. If you have a short time plan where you can detach emotionally, and start to prepare to leave, with some rules of engagement (e.g. separate rooms) it might be better than ending it now and picking up the pieces later.

I'm sorry you and your children had to go through that @perfectcolourfound

F

I have also been you. The utter audacity they have to turn everything into your fault or your problem is enough to drive you to your wits end. It is the illness talking - you just can’t reason with someone so mentally unwell, so to save yourself the heartbreak my honest advice would be to stop trying to. Make this the day you take back control of your life. The constant worry and your happiness being so tied to how he chooses to behave one minute to the next is no way to live. I am still having therapy over the trauma my marriage caused me but I am sooooooo much better and happier now years on. My kids are too.

If you choose to leave you will be ok. You earn well, you will be entitled to half the marital assets and some child maintenance assuming not 50/50. He earns well too and therefore child maintenance will be reasonable. If he buys you out of the house you can use the capital to pay down on the mortgage and make it much smaller, or you sell, split proceeds and you buy somewhere affordable for you and kids. If I were you I would aim to not have to depend on CM in the longer term. My ex doesn’t pay anything just now (case ongoing with CsA) because being an active alcoholic and drug addict means he couldn’t hold down a job.

Doh I realise my point about buying out of house was confused and backwards OP. Ignore that!