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Original poster

Walking red flag?

68 replies

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 09:51

I think I may already know the answer to this question but hear me out as I'm new to the dating game after a long term relationship so just trying to make sense of this guy I met on bumble.
We have been texting a lot for about a month (I now realise this isn't healthy and will not make this mistake again), v intense chemistry, lots of sharing of pics etc etc he has been working away so not been available to meet up until this week, date was all pinned down but then he said he can't make it because he has to see his son, he was v apologetic and suggested a new day to meet up, I appreciate his circumstances are hard and I don't think he's been completely honest with me but I get that shared co-parenting arrangements can sometimes throw a spanner in the works.
I was pissed off as I'd actually made my own childcare arrangements for the date so it was a disappointment to say the least.
He's now promised me that we can meet next week, although because of this flakiness I am kind of going off the idea.
Anwyay the red flags I've spotted from him are, intermittent contact, his phone battery is always dead, but he has persistently messaged me several times a day, full of compliments, charming af (texted me a poem), incredibly hot, we have spoken on the phone a few times and conversation flowed fine.
Now I am left on the fence thinking, am i over thinking this and he's just one of these guys who has a messy personal life (in which case I don't want to get involved) although I am not looking for a relationship so I don't mind a fling but he has really got in my head, or does he actually genuinely like me and he is just shit at communicating and I should still pursue the date?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:10

I've played it all wrong, the whole thing has been push pull, like a constant test of who's more in control and who is less bothered. Idk it's just too intense, I'm never making these mistakes again, thanks for all your advice

OP posts:
Dogsitterwoes · 15/12/2023 14:11

I'm giving up on Bumble. Soooo many not-single men on there. Congratulations - you found another one.

Rockschooldropout · 15/12/2023 14:13

He’s no intention of meeting you
he’s either : married- in a relationship - a fuckboy

but regardless .. you should always be wary if someone who intense straight out if the date before you’ve met .. it creates a false familiar and I can guarantee .. he’s just been getting his kicks and most likely chatting to others .. chuck him back in the sea

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 14:18

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:10

I've played it all wrong, the whole thing has been push pull, like a constant test of who's more in control and who is less bothered. Idk it's just too intense, I'm never making these mistakes again, thanks for all your advice

We’ve all made mistakes and it’s a learning curve. Making us been out of dating scene for decades and this is a totally new experience.

My personal advice would be keep the chat pretty light, arrange a meet up after few days - anything more than a week without at least trying to arrange a date is a red flag for me - and very quick sex talk us a no go. Wait to you’ve met them before starting the sexual chat if that’s your thing.

I don’t do video calls but do like to have at least one phone call pre date just to see if there’s a flow to the conversation.

Good luck

Silverbirch7 · 15/12/2023 14:20

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 13:12

I know, well no message now for a day or so since he called me insisting we are definitely meeting next week, vibe just feels off, as I said I've never initiated contact and I haven't sent him any messages since so hopefully my silence will tell him all he needs to know

Blocking him will tell him what he needs to know. Run , don't walk.

Flyhigher · 15/12/2023 14:26

He is married. He wants hot sex.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2023 14:27

He wants interactive wanking.

spiderleggings · 15/12/2023 14:30

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 11:56

he's made me realise I do have boundaries

We all have boundaries. It's listening to them and respecting them that people have trouble with. Looking for 'red flags' is a sign that you rely on external validation, which is a recipe for getting hurt. It doesn't matter if something is a recognised 'red flag' or not; what's important is whether you like it, personally. As an example, a friend of mine started seeing a guy who liked to gently stroke her arm whilst they watched TV of an evening. She didn't like it, because the person who had abused her as a child used to do the same thing as a pre cursor to the abuse. She asked the guy to stop (she didn't tell him why), and he carried on, because he 'wasn't doing anything wrong'. Is arm-stroking a red flag? No. Was she right to dump him? Yes. Why? Because she didn't like something that he did, and when she told him, he thought that it was more important to do what he wanted, than to respect her wishes.

Her question, in your shoes, would have been 'He strokes my arm; is this a red flag?' and it's not. You won't find it on any externally produced list of 'red flag behaviours'. But she didn't like it.

100% THIS

Every woman and man should read this, re-read it, digest it and learn from it.

Respect to you

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 14:50

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:10

I've played it all wrong, the whole thing has been push pull, like a constant test of who's more in control and who is less bothered. Idk it's just too intense, I'm never making these mistakes again, thanks for all your advice

How will you play it right, next time?

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:50

Yes to be fair you're 100% spot on, your own gut is your own red flag, even when I was googling dating red flags, I thought to myself it doesn't matter, because whatever he's doing even if it's not on the list it's made me feel uncomfortable.
I'm now worrying about the fact I've portrayed myself as completely not who I am as a person, like with loose morals etc, I'm completely the opposite of that and now he probably thinks I'm another easy lay. I'm not saying I care at all about what his opinion is of me. It's more the fact that it shows how swept away I've got because I portrayed this false sense of who I am or what I want.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 14:57

I'm now worrying about the fact I've portrayed myself as completely not who I am as a person

People you are compatible with will see you and understand you as you are, and the impression of yourself that you give will be one you're happy with. If you remove self criticism, you can ask yourself 'Do I come across as I want to, to this person?' and if the answer is no, then that's your cue to put some distance between you and them. Not their fault, not your fault, nobody has to be wrong or right, but, just, no. That person is not for you.

Always work from the basis that there's nothing wrong with you, rather from a basis of seeing yourself as faulty. It doesn't matter how you 'come across'. Really, if someone sees you as a squirrel with a tail made of pesto, you'd think they were mad. But if someone sees you as loose moralled and an easy lay... why don't you think they're mad? It's equally codswallop, isn't it?

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:59

Minimal chat over text, Date needs to be arranged within a couple of weeks, NO sexting, NO dick picks, no sharing of personal trauma or emotion.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:02

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 14:59

Minimal chat over text, Date needs to be arranged within a couple of weeks, NO sexting, NO dick picks, no sharing of personal trauma or emotion.

What if they do something that's not on this list that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable?

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 15:27

Ok so just to contrast this, I matched with a guy off hinge this morning, been chatting all day, v sweet and kind, and he's just asked me on a date at the weekend, happy to travel to me etc. this has definitely restored my faith

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:29

Faith in what?

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 15:30

Online dating? That I got sucked in by a douche and it feels better to be using my energy on guys that actually do want to meet me with minimal effort required by me?

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2023 15:35

The chatting all day thing would still be one of my red flags but we're all different. Please come back with a date update!

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 15:37

I mean I say all day but a few messages this morning, how are you etc, liked his vibe, a few messages this afternoon and that's it. I will update!!

OP posts:
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