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Original poster

Walking red flag?

68 replies

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 09:51

I think I may already know the answer to this question but hear me out as I'm new to the dating game after a long term relationship so just trying to make sense of this guy I met on bumble.
We have been texting a lot for about a month (I now realise this isn't healthy and will not make this mistake again), v intense chemistry, lots of sharing of pics etc etc he has been working away so not been available to meet up until this week, date was all pinned down but then he said he can't make it because he has to see his son, he was v apologetic and suggested a new day to meet up, I appreciate his circumstances are hard and I don't think he's been completely honest with me but I get that shared co-parenting arrangements can sometimes throw a spanner in the works.
I was pissed off as I'd actually made my own childcare arrangements for the date so it was a disappointment to say the least.
He's now promised me that we can meet next week, although because of this flakiness I am kind of going off the idea.
Anwyay the red flags I've spotted from him are, intermittent contact, his phone battery is always dead, but he has persistently messaged me several times a day, full of compliments, charming af (texted me a poem), incredibly hot, we have spoken on the phone a few times and conversation flowed fine.
Now I am left on the fence thinking, am i over thinking this and he's just one of these guys who has a messy personal life (in which case I don't want to get involved) although I am not looking for a relationship so I don't mind a fling but he has really got in my head, or does he actually genuinely like me and he is just shit at communicating and I should still pursue the date?

OP posts:
Findapath · 15/12/2023 11:56

Cat fish. If he won’t video chat it’s not who is in the pics 100%

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 11:56

he's made me realise I do have boundaries

We all have boundaries. It's listening to them and respecting them that people have trouble with. Looking for 'red flags' is a sign that you rely on external validation, which is a recipe for getting hurt. It doesn't matter if something is a recognised 'red flag' or not; what's important is whether you like it, personally. As an example, a friend of mine started seeing a guy who liked to gently stroke her arm whilst they watched TV of an evening. She didn't like it, because the person who had abused her as a child used to do the same thing as a pre cursor to the abuse. She asked the guy to stop (she didn't tell him why), and he carried on, because he 'wasn't doing anything wrong'. Is arm-stroking a red flag? No. Was she right to dump him? Yes. Why? Because she didn't like something that he did, and when she told him, he thought that it was more important to do what he wanted, than to respect her wishes.

Her question, in your shoes, would have been 'He strokes my arm; is this a red flag?' and it's not. You won't find it on any externally produced list of 'red flag behaviours'. But she didn't like it.

Lilithlogic · 15/12/2023 11:57

Clingy ex? Wow

BernadetteStBernard · 15/12/2023 11:58

Sorry but my first thought was, he is probably in a relationship already - all of what you describe says he's conducting the relationship in moments when he's alone or partner not aware and the avoidance of face to face

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:04

I know, I think my gut only kicked in last week when he said no to the video chat and then it's been strong since then, the cancelling of the date was the final straw BUT he then called me the next day saying 'next week 100% etc etc' again I just don't get what the point is???!!!

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 15/12/2023 12:06

itsgoodtobehome · 15/12/2023 10:50

Definitely married. The intermittent texting is just when his wife isn't around.

I don't agree with this. I'm an intermittent texter and it's generally because I have a full and busy life. Work, hobbies, social life etc. I text when I have the time to write something meaningful, not just mindless chitchat for the sake of it.

I think it's more likely that he's chatting to multiple women, as most people do with OD until they commit to someone.

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 12:09

Findapath · 15/12/2023 11:56

Cat fish. If he won’t video chat it’s not who is in the pics 100%

Although I agree with this bloke, I don’t do video chats and I am 💯 who I say I am and all my photos are within last 3 months. I just hate video chats but I would rather meet within a week or so not drag on for months

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:10

again I just don't get what the point is

For who? For him, or for you?

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 12:11

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:04

I know, I think my gut only kicked in last week when he said no to the video chat and then it's been strong since then, the cancelling of the date was the final straw BUT he then called me the next day saying 'next week 100% etc etc' again I just don't get what the point is???!!!

The point is just attention, boredom, validation, sexual thrill etc.

We don’t understand because we’re genuine but there’s a lot on OLD who have zero intention of meeting and are just wasting peoples time for their own amusement

VanityDiesHard · 15/12/2023 12:11

Married or in a serious relationship. I was in this situation once, many years ago when I was young and naive. He was very charming and full on, he worked for the BBC so he was away a lot. Like a fool, I was flattered when he messaged me constantly on his trips away, I thought it meant he was really into me. Maybe he was, but it was also when he was away from his wife!

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:12

Yes for me and for him??
Messaging me everyday for a month consistently
Being very empathetic with my personal situation when I had to move out of my home
Checking in on me very kindly to see if I'm ok
Telling me I'm beautiful
Sometimes actually respecting my boundaries and not pushing the sexual stuff
Telling me how much he wants to meet me and how much he likes me

It's just all so confusing and a massive head fuck

OP posts:
DinoDays · 15/12/2023 12:13

I just don't get what the point is??

He's getting his sexual kicks from you sexting him! Probably while his wife is sleeping soundly beside him!!

Never sext with someone you haven't met!! NEVER!!

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 12:14

Her question, in your shoes, would have been 'He strokes my arm; is this a red flag?' and it's not. You won't find it on any externally produced list of 'red flag behaviours'. But she didn't like it.

Obviously a list can't go on forever! Her question should have been: "My boyfriend keeps doing something I dislike. I tell him to stop and he won't." That would be on every list of red flag behaviours.

VanityDiesHard · 15/12/2023 12:15

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:12

Yes for me and for him??
Messaging me everyday for a month consistently
Being very empathetic with my personal situation when I had to move out of my home
Checking in on me very kindly to see if I'm ok
Telling me I'm beautiful
Sometimes actually respecting my boundaries and not pushing the sexual stuff
Telling me how much he wants to meet me and how much he likes me

It's just all so confusing and a massive head fuck

He 'sometimes' respects your boundaries!? Well, forget I said anything! What a prince!

sarahc336 · 15/12/2023 12:15

Defo not single sorry op

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 12:16

I had something similar first time I tried OLD. He lived up north but said he comes down here for work every 4-6 weeks. So he told me the week he was here, what hotel he was in etc and then made an excuse every evening why he couldn’t meet. Work ran over, van broke down etc. So me and my mate went to the hotel bar he said he was staying in and asked the staff if he was staying there - no one recognised his photo.

So the last evening I agreed to meet him in a pub near the hotel and told him to message me when he was on his way. I then went out with my mates for cocktails. He messaged saying he was in hotel room getting ready then that he was wandering over to the bar and for me to call when I was on my way.

I didn’t reply and woke up next morning to a torrent of abuse about making him look stupid - what’s good for goose eh!

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:19

It's hard to give all the context here without actually detailing all the messages but as I said, I've been equally guilty of enjoying sexting with him, I've been in a dead bedroom situation for years and it gave me a kick, a thrill, made me feel desired, I don't think that is abnormal, it's not like I'm crying myself to sleep over this guy, I'm just trying to work out whether to sack him off or if there is any glimmer of honesty there. I think I have my answers though 🙏

OP posts:
Santashelperisonstrike · 15/12/2023 12:20

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 11:56

he's made me realise I do have boundaries

We all have boundaries. It's listening to them and respecting them that people have trouble with. Looking for 'red flags' is a sign that you rely on external validation, which is a recipe for getting hurt. It doesn't matter if something is a recognised 'red flag' or not; what's important is whether you like it, personally. As an example, a friend of mine started seeing a guy who liked to gently stroke her arm whilst they watched TV of an evening. She didn't like it, because the person who had abused her as a child used to do the same thing as a pre cursor to the abuse. She asked the guy to stop (she didn't tell him why), and he carried on, because he 'wasn't doing anything wrong'. Is arm-stroking a red flag? No. Was she right to dump him? Yes. Why? Because she didn't like something that he did, and when she told him, he thought that it was more important to do what he wanted, than to respect her wishes.

Her question, in your shoes, would have been 'He strokes my arm; is this a red flag?' and it's not. You won't find it on any externally produced list of 'red flag behaviours'. But she didn't like it.

But surely the ‘red flag’ here is not listening to me and not respecting whether I want to be touched.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:38

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 12:14

Her question, in your shoes, would have been 'He strokes my arm; is this a red flag?' and it's not. You won't find it on any externally produced list of 'red flag behaviours'. But she didn't like it.

Obviously a list can't go on forever! Her question should have been: "My boyfriend keeps doing something I dislike. I tell him to stop and he won't." That would be on every list of red flag behaviours.

Yes, that's exactly my point. It's about asking the right question. It's not 'Is this right or wrong?', by some external metric, it's 'Do I like this?' which is internally judged.

AgnesX · 15/12/2023 12:40

OkayScooby · 15/12/2023 10:10

Working away.
Flat battery.
Cancelled date.
You've never actually met?
Sounds like a keeper.

Sounds very odd ..... (not that I'm an expert)

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2023 12:59

It doesn't really matter if he is married, has a clingy ex (?) or is just a general twat. You are going to waste so much time if you spend this long intensely chatting to guys from OLD. Btw, the intense chatting is a red flag in itself for me. Who has the time or desire to text a stranger constantly? It's weird. Probably an ego boost for you though, right? You need to do without that.

My recipe is: Exchange a few messages on the ap for a couple of days (like 2 or 3 per day max), arrange a date. See what happens in real life. Its a numbers game and you are probably going to meet a lot of guys before you find one that you even want to give your phone number to.

Good luck!

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 13:04

Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 12:12

Yes for me and for him??
Messaging me everyday for a month consistently
Being very empathetic with my personal situation when I had to move out of my home
Checking in on me very kindly to see if I'm ok
Telling me I'm beautiful
Sometimes actually respecting my boundaries and not pushing the sexual stuff
Telling me how much he wants to meet me and how much he likes me

It's just all so confusing and a massive head fuck

He tells you all this to keep you keen. And telling you he wants to meet you but can’t find any time in his busy life to even grab a quick coffee? Actions speak louder than words. He’s love bombing to create a false sense of intimacy.

By all means keep messaging if you enjoy the sexting but be aware this guy could be absolutely anyone.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 15/12/2023 13:12

I know, well no message now for a day or so since he called me insisting we are definitely meeting next week, vibe just feels off, as I said I've never initiated contact and I haven't sent him any messages since so hopefully my silence will tell him all he needs to know

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 13:17

You say that one the ways he wowed you was 'sometimes actually respecting my boundaries'. As though that's something to be grateful for. If a man doesn't genuinely respect your boundaries 100% of the time he isn't a keeper.

And the gushing messages and love poems... you know they aren't genuine, because he's never met you, he doesn't know you. So you can assume that he would send this stuff to any woman he's talking to online. They aren't evidence of him being charming or keen, they are actually evidence of the opposite - that he's a player, a love bomber, not genuine.

And I suspect he isn't the looker from the photos. Why the reticence for the video call? I could be wrong, but I suspect he'd always find a reason not to meet.

anotherdisaster · 15/12/2023 14:06

He could be married or in a relationship but one thing is clear, he has no intention of meeting you. He's just enjoying the chat and flirting. Some men just like the ego boost.