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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuser ex thinks I am his social secretary!

27 replies

AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:32

Currently going through Court proceedings with the man.
He has very limited contact with DD currently that is in a contact centre. I despise the man but so far to date have taken her to every single session and adhered fully to the court order. That's all I need to do in my eyes.

DD is now in reception. Ex demanded the name of the school, I was forced to disclose by the Court. The court ordered that I put his name down as a contact at school.
Gave school the details I was provided.

Ex has missed parents evening despite school going out of their way to offer him a separate session to me.

Ex has missed the nativity despite being notified of the date almost 3 months in advance.

School have NEVER heard from ex. Ever.

I have now received a sh*tty letter from his Solicitors to mine to advise me that I must inform him of all of school events at least 3 weeks in advance so he can get time off and to advise him of when parents evening is.

He also wants updates from me regarding her development/education.

I MUST?

The man is demented

This is someone who does no actual parenting and cannot even be bothered to pick up the phone to school. He takes no interest whatsoever in DD's life, in her education, he doesn't know what extra curriculars she does, does not know the name of any of her friends, I am fairly even sure he doesn't even know the school she goes to is a faith school!

I cannot force the man to be a parent, all I can do is stick to the court order.

I am SO aggrieved by this letter I have received this morning, but will take the time to calm down and ask my Solicitor to send a calm and measured response to advise that it is not my responsibility to inform the father of DD's school information and it his responsibility to contact the school directly

For context, ex and I only communicate via Solicitors, he is blocked on everything - I had a restraining order on him as he stalked and harass me..

I had to move 100 miles away to get away from him and no distance will ever be far enough.

Just a rant really.

Is anyone's ex like this?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2023 09:34

These men who use their children as weapons are the worst

I hate that the family courts enable abusers

rorret · 15/12/2023 09:35

If he wants the info, he can contact the school.

Stay strong.

Unex · 15/12/2023 09:36

I'm sorry you are going through this
I think it's wrong that solicitors write these kind of letters
I know they can, and do but it really shouldn't be allowed especially when so many can't add their own solicitors to check whether the letters are correct

Well done for standing up to him

You got this

Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:38

Honestly - the way he behaves, you'd think I was the abuser.
Funny - I am not the one having supervised contact though?
The sad thing is, I know how little he cares about DD, it's so apparent. He doesn't care at all.

OP posts:
TheFlis · 15/12/2023 09:40

You have no obligation to tell him so I wouldn’t even bother paying your solicitor to reply, just ignore it.

crackfoxy · 15/12/2023 09:44

Speaking from personal experience. Your ex needs to contact the school directly and ask them to communicate with him as well as you. It is not your responsibility to do this. Schools are used to dealing with separated parents and will happily do this. Ignore the letter. Don't let it get to you. Grey rock. Hugs

MsInsomniac · 15/12/2023 09:47

Don’t pay a solicitor to reply to this. Just ignore it. He can ring the school himself if he can be bothered, this is just another abusive move.

Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:47

But from what I believe, school have been trying to contact him, and he has just ignored them!
They said they emailed him regarding parents evening and he also would have been advised in advance of when the school nativity was.

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 15/12/2023 09:47

I wouldn't even reply tbh

TheCrystalPalace · 15/12/2023 09:48

Exactly. Don't waste your money replying to this letter.
Ignore it and carry on.

DidiAskYouThough · 15/12/2023 09:51

I think it's unethical of solicitors to choose to indulge scum like this. Raking in money for spamming victims of crime is gross, surely they could do without the few hundred quid they charged the abuser to type out drivel?

Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:51

What I have realised is Solicitors will write anything at all that you want them to!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:52

I will ignore, just filed it away in his special folder! the BIN!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 15/12/2023 09:52

Totally ignore that. My ex-husband tried this and insisted I should keep him informed of literally everything. Judge said he had to do that himself. The end. Honestly it's all control and "winning".

SD1978 · 15/12/2023 09:56

I wouldn't even respond. School has his contact details. If you do have the inclination to respond, request that he confirms his email adress with the school, as he has equal communication with them via that route and it's not your responsibility. What an arse

Justcallmebebes · 15/12/2023 09:58

AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 09:51

What I have realised is Solicitors will write anything at all that you want them to!

This is true. We take your instructions and act on them. I've had some batshit instructions over the years.

My advice us to ignore the letter. He has the tools to be involved in school, it's his responsibility to organise himself, not yours

Getamoveon36 · 15/12/2023 10:10

Wow - glad he is your ex. 100% bounce him back to asking the school for details - he is after all listed as a contact.

comfyoldcardi · 15/12/2023 10:13

He has paid his solicitor to write whatever he instructs. You don't have to respond.
Ignore.
You have provided him with exactly the same access to information that every other parent has.

neeep · 15/12/2023 10:13

I'd write back on the reverse of the letter saying " please contact the school for any details regarding said events. "

Send it back to his solcitor and he will have to pay for them to send to him as well

Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 10:14

You know what really gets to me. I was forced to disclose the name of the school to him! by the Court. Now literally nothing. Just zero fucks given!

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 15/12/2023 10:15

My ex had his solicitor write I must remove my new blinds as exh could no longer see into my home. Funnily enough no judge ordered I did.. So I rightly ignored the demand. If ex has school details he can use a phone.. Ignore op.

Original poster
AlisonMoyetz2 · 15/12/2023 10:25

LOL @Santaiswashinghissleigh You have to laugh at the audacity and ridiculousness of it all!

OP posts:
LeggyLegsEleven · 15/12/2023 10:29

Ignore. Schools are used to parents who don’t speak. There are lists of separated correspondents that need to be sent out.
He’s clearly not bothered but wants to blame you.

WeeOrcadian · 15/12/2023 10:35

Demented doesn't even begin to explain this batshit behaviour

He's trying to control you, fuck thàt for a game of soldiers

I wouldn't bin the paperwork though, just a small aside

Didydani · 15/12/2023 10:43

I agree with l@crackfoxy op. If he wants to find out how dd is doing in school, he can pick up the phone and ask them himself. Same goes for if he wants to know about her school friends and activities etc, he can ask her about that himself when he sees her. There's no need for him to come to you for this info.

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