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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are they really just friends

71 replies

Inapickledonion · 14/12/2023 19:10

Today I was in the area of DH’s work so I was going to grab coffees & cakes and message him to see if I could drop in quickly as a little surprise (it’s his birthday). As I was approaching I saw him and his female colleague coming out of the Costa, they were walking side by side all squashed up against each other, heads together, laughing and speaking animatedly with each other, across the road and up to the office, he held the door for her, she went in all smiles. It looked very cosy.

They’ve worked together for years and years, I know they get on well and to be honest I have worried a couple of times, he talks about her quite a bit off and on over the years. She’s several years younger, attractive and curvy, married with young kids. He’s always been very reassuring that they’re just friends and I didn’t want to seem controlling about it.

But today…they didn’t look like just friends. I have met her several times but I’d never seen them together without them knowing before. I feel gutted and don’t know what to do :-( Am I overreacting? It’s not like they were kissing or anything but it seemed intimate?

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 14/12/2023 23:38

HomburgandTrilby · 14/12/2023 23:30

How odd. Are you so highly-sexed you don’t trust yourself around women or something?

Show quote history

Wtf are you on about?

Notsurehwhattdo · 14/12/2023 23:50

HomburgandTrilby · 14/12/2023 23:30

How odd. Are you so highly-sexed you don’t trust yourself around women or something?

Show quote history

"walking side by side all squashed up against each other, heads together" - I think that behaviour is disrespectful and inappropriate. I wouldn't like to see my wife like that with a work colleague. It's too intimate. It's not about not being able to trust myself (or her) it's just understanding what behaviour is and is not appropriate (in MY opinion) and being happy that being body to body is shared just between the two of us.

'odd' could be understood as a grown adult still not understanding that other people have different opinions to their own!

lemonsherbertt · 14/12/2023 23:56

I wouldn't want my partner walking like that with another woman I would ask him what the hells going on with the pair of them

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2023 00:58

I 100% agree with asking what he did for lunch "as I was hoping to see you but time ran away with me!".

You have one simple fact, that he was with her, very up close and cosy.

So start with that and see what he says. If he out and out lies that he (for example) ate at his desk and someone bought in a cake for him, then you know that there is a lot more to this.

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 06:49

lemonsherbertt · 14/12/2023 23:56

I wouldn't want my partner walking like that with another woman I would ask him what the hells going on with the pair of them

What, you wouldn’t like him walking next to a woman, coming out of a Costa, talking? Filth!

gost · 15/12/2023 06:52

It's not the act of getting a coffee that's a terrible act for op, it's how emotionally close and comfortable they are with each other. This would make any wife feel jealous.

Usernamechange1234 · 15/12/2023 07:02

Seriously, I work with men and have had close male friends all my adult life. I love some of them dearly but we wouldn’t walk like this or touch our heads because it crosses a very specific boundary. It would be disrespectful to their partners and my husband! I have good boundaries, so do they. I have also seen people in affairs openly behaving like this so the idea that they suddenly stay away is not the case.

Original poster
Inapickledonion · 15/12/2023 07:03

Thanks so much for all your replies. The work event was legit, it’s normal for him to be out on his birthday for work stuff this time of year, we celebrate on the weekend. There was a photo on the company social media, she wasn’t there.

However I asked him what he did during the day and he didn’t mention going out with her at all. I haven’t said I saw them, I think I need to process a bit more first before I decide whether to say more.

He’s not secretive with his phone in an obvious way, but I don’t have access to it so I have never seen their messages. They do text quite a bit outside of work hours.

OP posts:
bananamangoes · 15/12/2023 07:04

If he's having an affair, when do they meet?

Does he stay out late often? Nights away? Weekends awY?

Original poster
Inapickledonion · 15/12/2023 07:08

He’s not usually out later than 9.30/10 but does go out a couple of times a week in the evening with friends or colleagues. He travels for work but they work on different things so she’d never be on his work trips.

OP posts:
HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 07:09

Inapickledonion · 15/12/2023 07:03

Thanks so much for all your replies. The work event was legit, it’s normal for him to be out on his birthday for work stuff this time of year, we celebrate on the weekend. There was a photo on the company social media, she wasn’t there.

However I asked him what he did during the day and he didn’t mention going out with her at all. I haven’t said I saw them, I think I need to process a bit more first before I decide whether to say more.

He’s not secretive with his phone in an obvious way, but I don’t have access to it so I have never seen their messages. They do text quite a bit outside of work hours.

I can honestly say it would never occur to me that ‘going to Costa with a friend-colleague’ was a noteworthy feature of my working day if DH asked what I’d done. It would be like saying ‘I sent emails’ or detailing my routine 11 o’clock meeting.

similarminimer · 15/12/2023 07:10

They're good friends who have known each other for a ling time. You saw easy intimacy between them - that definitely doesnt have to be sexual

MsDogLady · 15/12/2023 07:14

But today…they didn’t look like just friends.

You’re not overreacting, @Inapickledonion. I too would feel gutted. You witnessed their affection, intimacy, playfulness and adoration. They looked like a couple. There’s a good chance they were also together during the evening.

In your shoes, I would investigate his phone and statements if you have access, as well as his drawers, pockets and car. You may not find anything incriminating, as they are clearly investing in each other during work hours/lunch and may not leave a trail. The bottom line, though, is that he has crossed your boundaries and hurt you deeply, and that breach of your trust is unacceptable. You must confront him with what you witnessed.

Keep posting for support, @Inapickledonion.

TravelInHope · 15/12/2023 07:22

Raisinsandweetabix · 14/12/2023 19:16

Go with your gut on this... we are rarely wrong as women. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this but you must keep your eyes open

Yes, MN proves that we are never wrong. We are unanimous in our views about everything thanks to our spidey senses.

wildwestpioneer · 15/12/2023 07:22

Ask him. Just say 'I popped over to see you yesterday but saw you coming out of Costa with x, is there anything you want to tell me' then stay silent. His answer and reaction should tell you all he needs to know.

MsDogLady · 15/12/2023 07:23

I saw your updates after I posted, and see that the work event was legitimate.

You know your H and his body language. You know that they looked ‘together,’ and you had a visceral reaction to that.

I hope you can get to the bottom of it, @Inapickledonion.

gannett · 15/12/2023 07:34

It’s just how close they were, literally sides pressed up against each other, heads nearly touching, grinning and laughing

I frequently walk like this with friends and colleagues. When you're on a busy street it's often the only way you can hear each other.

Popping out to Costa with a colleague also wouldn't rise to the level of an event I'd tell DP about, or even think about 10 minutes later.

Bear in mind MN is full of people who've been cheated on, and project their situation on to every other situation in the world.

gannett · 15/12/2023 07:35

MsDogLady · 15/12/2023 07:14

But today…they didn’t look like just friends.

You’re not overreacting, @Inapickledonion. I too would feel gutted. You witnessed their affection, intimacy, playfulness and adoration. They looked like a couple. There’s a good chance they were also together during the evening.

In your shoes, I would investigate his phone and statements if you have access, as well as his drawers, pockets and car. You may not find anything incriminating, as they are clearly investing in each other during work hours/lunch and may not leave a trail. The bottom line, though, is that he has crossed your boundaries and hurt you deeply, and that breach of your trust is unacceptable. You must confront him with what you witnessed.

Keep posting for support, @Inapickledonion.

Oh it's this poster advising extremely toxic behaviour on zero evidence again, what a surprise.

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 15/12/2023 08:31

He does seem to be out with work-related socials rather regularly. Most lies have elements of truth in them, so he can confidently give the broader truth of being out with colleagues or work and therefore you have had no reason to question it. Until now.

You now have a possible truth on which to view his future work-related activities, so if you feel the need to pursue the truth of it, it's OK to do that. You have started to experience what he isn't telling you. It's all amateur detective work but I would totally start keeping track - this is your relationship and you have every right to find out what's going on. Good luck 💐

DarkDuvet · 15/12/2023 08:38

I’m thinking it’s head touching like smoochy romantic film type, rather than “speak up, dear!” type?

And that’s not a good sign

QuietBear · 15/12/2023 09:26

If this was me, I would just ask him and tell him how it made me feel. Even of they aren't sleeping together, it's absolutely fine to not be okay with your DH being that cosy with another woman.

On here people will tell you to investigate etc. So strange! He's your husband, ask him! His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he not crawling across hot coals to make it up to you and distancing himself from his 'work wife' immediately, that would be the end for me.

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