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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are they really just friends

71 replies

Inapickledonion · 14/12/2023 19:10

Today I was in the area of DH’s work so I was going to grab coffees & cakes and message him to see if I could drop in quickly as a little surprise (it’s his birthday). As I was approaching I saw him and his female colleague coming out of the Costa, they were walking side by side all squashed up against each other, heads together, laughing and speaking animatedly with each other, across the road and up to the office, he held the door for her, she went in all smiles. It looked very cosy.

They’ve worked together for years and years, I know they get on well and to be honest I have worried a couple of times, he talks about her quite a bit off and on over the years. She’s several years younger, attractive and curvy, married with young kids. He’s always been very reassuring that they’re just friends and I didn’t want to seem controlling about it.

But today…they didn’t look like just friends. I have met her several times but I’d never seen them together without them knowing before. I feel gutted and don’t know what to do :-( Am I overreacting? It’s not like they were kissing or anything but it seemed intimate?

OP posts:
Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 20:35

Didn't work closely with my husband did you .. lol I'm kidding just light humour obviously this isn't funny at all as I've been through it myself it's horrible

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 20:41

Good luck Hun I really hope it's a good outcome x

Fredablogs · 14/12/2023 20:51

Work dinner? On his birthday? Hmm

WitheringTights000 · 14/12/2023 20:59

I agree with @Fredablogs - work dinner on his birthday?!

V odd.

Sounds like he is having a birthday meal out with her, And using 'work' as his cover.

Flyingfoxgirl · 14/12/2023 21:25

This was how I behaved at work, with my AP. However, this is also how another couple of colleagues behave too and there is absolutely nothing going on there (yes I'm sure). Sorry not much help.
As far as the work dinner on his birthday goes, I would normally be sus BUT at this time of year it's fairly normal that there would be work dinners organised for Christmas. If his birthday were in May or something then yes, it would be odd.

Usernamechange1234 · 14/12/2023 21:25

This is awful. No that behaviour with a male work friend is not ok or normal. And how weird he’s out for a work meal on his birthday! Dodgy all round, sorry.

Chelsea543 · 14/12/2023 21:48

Fredablogs · 14/12/2023 20:51

Work dinner? On his birthday? Hmm

Yes this is what I thought. What a strange time to have a work dinner, or is it the Christmas party?
Does make me wonder if they’ve actually gone to dinner for his birthday.

How upsetting for you to see that, but tbh I think maybe you were meant to. I’d keep an eye on things, although hard when they work together every day and you don’t see them.

Justfinking · 14/12/2023 21:55

Mumsnet is the worst place to ask this. They're probably just great friends, I'm still friends with many men that I've worked with and similarly my husband is as well.

Sweetnessandbite · 14/12/2023 22:00

I would also ask what he did for lunch as you were thinking of popping in but didn't. If he tells the truth then ok but if he lies it would set alarm bells ringing.

How is he with his phone? Is it always face down etc.

Snugglemonkey · 14/12/2023 22:04

Raisinsandweetabix · 14/12/2023 19:16

Go with your gut on this... we are rarely wrong as women. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this but you must keep your eyes open

That is just not true though. Some people have insecurity that colours everything. Plenty of people ruin good relationships with paranoid thoughts. Others are spot on, granted. But you do not know op, or her husband and none if us are best placed to say this without a lot more info.

InSpainTheRain · 14/12/2023 22:07

I think appearances can be deceiving. I work in a very male dominated industry and have a few male friends. Sometimes you do have a laugh and can seem close but nothing has or will happen.

I am pretty friendly with a guy, we tend to have our morning coffee break 3 to 4 times a week together. We know about each others families, chat about lots of stuff, but he is the perfect gentleman, he's married 21 years, I'm married 29 years. Although we get on as friends we are very different people, we are not emotionally or romantically involved but I am aware that could look different to an observer.

Justfinking · 14/12/2023 22:11

Sweetnessandbite · 14/12/2023 22:00

I would also ask what he did for lunch as you were thinking of popping in but didn't. If he tells the truth then ok but if he lies it would set alarm bells ringing.

How is he with his phone? Is it always face down etc.

You could do something like this, but you really need something concrete to make you think there's something going on by his behaviour like bwing weird with his phone. It's more than likely they are just friends (which is actually good and normal for most people, remember on mumsnet people hate their colleagues and don't like to open the door)

Catoo · 14/12/2023 22:13

Sorry OP I would not like this at all either.

Here are the things I might do. (They might not be what other people would do but I like to have some evidence on my side before I would start up a conversation that could end a relationship).

  • ask what he did at lunch to see if he lies. If he lies ask why he’s lying and ask what he really did.
  • phone the venue for this work night out to check there is a booking. I’d say I was worried I’d missed it was it today or is it tomorrow. If he’s lied you have what you need. He’s out with someone else somewhere on his birthday.
  • If he isn’t at the venue ring him and tell him to come home as you need to discuss something v important.

I hope it’s innocent and it could well be. I’ve been close to male colleagues before but possibly not head to head walking along sober in the daytime.

💐

NightmareGirl · 14/12/2023 22:15

I can only remember one time I’ve had this type of interaction with a man, it was a friendship relationship.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 22:21

Op, if it’s any consolation, if they were having an affair they would likely go all out to hide it, and not show it in a public area where colleagues could see them.

the old saying goes you can tell who is having an affair in the office, they suddenly stay away from each other,.

so unless they are both idiots, and only you know that, then this is likely they are really good mates.

Passingthethyme · 14/12/2023 22:25

Catoo · 14/12/2023 22:13

Sorry OP I would not like this at all either.

Here are the things I might do. (They might not be what other people would do but I like to have some evidence on my side before I would start up a conversation that could end a relationship).

  • ask what he did at lunch to see if he lies. If he lies ask why he’s lying and ask what he really did.
  • phone the venue for this work night out to check there is a booking. I’d say I was worried I’d missed it was it today or is it tomorrow. If he’s lied you have what you need. He’s out with someone else somewhere on his birthday.
  • If he isn’t at the venue ring him and tell him to come home as you need to discuss something v important.

I hope it’s innocent and it could well be. I’ve been close to male colleagues before but possibly not head to head walking along sober in the daytime.

💐

I'd be careful about what you do or say. If he's innocent, how would that make him feel? Only you know him and his reaction. Reverse the situation if it were you. My friends husband did something quite extreme, put a tracker on her phone and followed her after her Christmas function last year. As you can imagine that did alot of damage to the relationship. It might not be innocent, although sounds very innovative, but just tread lightly is what I'm saying.

InOtherWords · 14/12/2023 22:33

OP, I used to have a work colleague where he and I had a similar relationship. We understood each other, worked brilliantly together, loved spending time together, but absolutely did not fancy each other. We were asked by colleagues if we were having an affair, and a client once even said they'd seen me with my "husband". It wasn't.
I guess my point is to not jump in feet first.

Namddf · 14/12/2023 22:49

the old saying goes you can tell who is having an affair in the office, they suddenly stay away from each other,.

IME this isn’t true. Two couples were having affairs in my old office and they behaved exactly like this: standing very close, heads together, chemistry between them. It was obvious.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 14/12/2023 23:09

If your gut is telling you it is not right, it is not right. You saw them so you know exactly how it looked.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 14/12/2023 23:17

Even if there’s not. He was behaving in a way he wouldn’t with you around , and as you say he was close to another women. He’s crossing lines.
I wouldn’t believe he’s out at a work even on his birthday .
Time to watch closer .

CKL987 · 14/12/2023 23:23

I have male colleague mates that if you caught us at certain times we might be walking along laughing with him having his arm round my shoulder, but there is definitely nothing going on. I can't say that means you shouldn't be suspicious though as there'll be people behaving exactly the same and it means something different.

Notsurehwhattdo · 14/12/2023 23:25

Personally I would not get that physically close to another woman. For me, it would be very disrespectful to my wife and completely inappropriate. Plus, I don't even want to be that close to another woman! A light touch of a shoulder with a very close friend/colleague would be the height of it.

HomburgandTrilby · 14/12/2023 23:29

I think you’re simply seeing your husband as you don’t normally see him, on work mode with a close colleague he likes and trusts. I know DH is different with his colleagues. I’m certainly different with mine. And two of my closest male friends are from former jobs. There’s zero sexual attraction.

HomburgandTrilby · 14/12/2023 23:30

Notsurehwhattdo · 14/12/2023 23:25

Personally I would not get that physically close to another woman. For me, it would be very disrespectful to my wife and completely inappropriate. Plus, I don't even want to be that close to another woman! A light touch of a shoulder with a very close friend/colleague would be the height of it.

How odd. Are you so highly-sexed you don’t trust yourself around women or something?

GarlicMaybeNot · 14/12/2023 23:34

I've been close like this with lots of male colleagues and some male clients. Also female ones! No affairs happening with any of them, except the one I married - we were both single, btw.

I'd never tell another woman to dismiss her instincts. I'm just countering the replies saying this isn't normal or is "awful". It can be totally normal and lovely.

Is he a relaxed, affectionate friend in general? If he guards his personal space like a fortress as a rule, then this friendship looks more problematic than if he's laid back about it.

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